Title: Reason to Smile
Author: Enigma
Written: June 9, 2003
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: (5+3)-past [(1+2) (4+6)]-present
Category: Yaoi Angst. AC201-OOC. Giftfic.

Archive: GW Addiction, Sweet&Sweet, & Hugs 'n Kisses [penname: Enigma]
fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [penname: E-sama the Llama]

Warnings: yaoi, angst, first person POV, slightly crude language.
AC201-OOC. Giftfic for Spite the Wufei Worshipper.

Spoilers: This story contains spoilers for basically all of the anime
including the original series as well as "Endless Waltz" but ignores the
manga entirely.

Disclaimer: "Gundam Wing" belongs to Bandai, Sunrise, and the Sotsu
Agency. This unauthorized and unpaid work of fanfiction is intended for
entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.

Notes: It's been five years since Wufei has heard from or seen a former
lover, yet thoughts of Trowa are uppermost in his mind on his
twenty-first birthday.

*****

"Happy birthday, Captain Chang!" A voice I don't recognize calls
to me from the open doorway to my office.

Glancing up with an undoubtedly stony _expression on my face,
I discover it is yet another wet behind the ears recruit that Lucrezia
has brought on board here at Preventers HQ and I reply, "Thanks, kid.
Now get back to work."

To his credit, the guy just salutes me and keeps smiling before going off
to do as he was told. Unlike certain people around here, at least the newbies
know their places and do their duties without arguing with me. Too bad I
can't say the same for the people who've known me the longest.

With a sigh, I lean back in my chair and turn my attention to the window
overlooking the city park on the other side of the street. The view is nice
if you care about sunshine, green grass, and happy children with their
mothers playing the day away, but to me, it might as well not even be
there at all. The man that I wish I could see isn't there and he never will
be.

I sigh again and just close my eyes. It's easier to block out the world
that way.

My thoughts wander back to the last time I saw Trowa and I wonder
if the ache in my heart shows on my face or not. But then I remember
that I'm well known for only having two expressions these days--
bored or pissed off--and I assume it doesn't, based on that.

When *was* the last time I smiled? Rather, when was the last time I
even had a *reason* to smile?

As I recall the determined look in deep green eyes as lips I'd once
fervently kissed lied to me pointblank so that Trowa could gain access
to one of Dekim Barton's mobile suits and use it to help defeat Mariemaya's
forces, I realize that might have been it. Yes, there may have been a time
or two when things with Preventers were new and exciting that I might've
felt like it, but beyond that, I doubt I've truly smiled in five long years.

In retrospect, I shouldn't be surprised that Trowa found it so easy to
lie to me that day.

After all, I was the one who lost his mind on the battlefield and basically
vanished after that bastard Khushrenada forced me to kill him the way
that he did. Leaving one's first and only lover should never be something
done precipitously, yet in the madness of the moment, I didn't see things
that clearly. The year after that which I spent trying to find a way to
rationalize my own continued existence as well as that of a civilization
filled with injustice and cruelty was one in which no one could've
found me and my unexplained silence must have hurt him deeply.

Come to think of it, I would guess the last time that I smiled at him
and he smiled just for me was that last night together onboard the
"Peacemillion".

Making love so tenderly in a nearly weightless environment might've
made anyone smile, but it was the fact that we were young and foolish
enough to think we were building a peaceful future for humanity as
well as ourselves that made the difference.

Oh, if only I'd known what the future held back then and I could've
reached out to him *before* he turned away from me for good.

I can't help sighing deeply and wishing for a way to retrace my steps
so that he hadn't hardened his heart against me so fully that he would
refuse my messages. Even though I stopped sending them last year
since there was never a response, to this day I wish he'd at least
written back even once. Even if it had only been to tell me to leave
him alone and let him get on with his life, to at least know he would
deign to speak to me in any fashion might've helped me not to become
so damned bitter about everything.

"Chang?"

I force my eyes open and turn my head enough to see Sally's husband
standing at my door with an envelope in his hand. Trying to sound at
least semi-sociable, I reply, "Yes? What do you need, Lee?"

Stepping in far enough to hand me the envelope, he tells me, "Sally
asked me to give this to you. She'd rather have come herself, but with
the baby due soon, the obstetrician doesn't want her driving."

Accepting what I know will be a card urging me to at least try to enjoy
my official coming-of-age day, I answer, "I understand. Please tell her
'thank you' for me and good luck with the baby. This is your second,
right?"

Smiling that megawatt "I'm about to be a daddy again" smile that
makes my heart feel even colder, he tells me, "No, this is our third.
Well, I've got to run. My lunch break from the infirmary is almost over."

"Not a problem. Take care," I add distantly even as he nods and
disappears once more.

After considering closing my door just to be left to my thoughts and
deciding that's too much trouble since it won't keep people away, I sigh
again and consider what it might be like to have a child in my life. How
wonderful it would be to hear a small voice calling to me and relying
on me for love, food, and care. Having children was something Trowa
always talked about a lot. He wanted a big family, lots of kids, a dog
or a cat, and a nice big house for us all to live in.

Maybe that's what's changed. Maybe he found a wife that could give
him kids like the ones I can see playing in the park? That's certainly
something I could never have done for him and even though he wished
he could be the hero of some male-pregnancy fantasy, that's just
impossible even in this day and age.

When we were stupidly idealistic enough to believe in fairy tales,
our whole team always talked about adopting some of the war
orphans and making a huge, happy family together. But what did we
Gundam pilots know about the real world back then? Not much. We
were just kids and never talked realistically about money even though
Quatre always said we'd all live together on one of his estates and he'd
get Winner Corp to cover everything.

Hell, he and Milliardo are living that way right this minute, but that
was never really an option for someone like myself and Trowa no
doubt was drawn back to the circus anyway. Neither was it one for
Maxwell or Yuy. They both had trouble putting things back together
after the Eve War reminded them they were better off together than
apart, but still. They need more privacy than our little social butterfly
blond ever gave them, so it was no wonder when Anne brought those
two into Preventers.

But speaking of privacy, I ought to go close that door after all.
Maybe getting up and moving around a little will help me get my mind
back on my work instead of sitting here sighing and thinking about
times gone by and opportunities missed.

"You know, Wu," a voice that makes me wish I'd closed that door a
minute sooner says, "you sure sigh a lot these days."

Rolling my eyes since he'd worry if I didn't, I cast an annoyed gaze at
the lanky American currently lounging against the frame of my door as
if it were a wall in a bar and then I ask acerbically, "Do I, Maxwell?
More so now than when we were still children playing at being warriors?"

Shaking his head at me and causing that damned meter-plus-long braid
of his to twitch like a tail, Duo gave me his standard response,
"We weren't just playing and you know that." Taking a step inside
and then dropping all six feet of his admittedly well developed body
into one of the visitor's chairs facing my desk, he then adds fairly
gently, "But I didn't come here today to chew the fat about either of
the declared wars we both fought in or even some of the small
undeclared ones Une has dumped on us since then. What I came
here for is see what you were up to. See if maybe by some miracle
you were actually in a good mood since it's your twenty-first
birthday and all."

The self-derisive snort that I make comes to me so naturally now
that I almost don't notice making it before I reply as I turn towards
my window once more, "Why on earth should *that* make me feel
better, Maxwell? It only serves to remind me that I'm getting older
and am just as alone now as I have been since…" My words trail
off because I simply can't bring myself to admit what we both know
is the truth. Gods, I truly despise myself for being so weak at times.

Even though I can't see him, I can tell by the rustle of fabric that
Duo's leaning towards me now and I'm quite certain he has that sad
smile he wears seemingly only for me as he says quietly, "You really
miss Trowa, don't you?"

It hurts, but I force myself to admit, "You know that I do. But…"
Again I can't force myself to finish a sentence. Damn Duo for coming
here and damn him for making me say these things.

"But since he never wrote back in response to any of your messages
after the Eve War, you figure he wants nothing to do with you, right?"

Against my will, my voice is losing some of its strength, but I agree,
"Of course."

There's that damned rustling of fabric again, but I refuse to turn and
look as he offers a conjecture I've heard before and no more believe
just sitting here than I did the first time I heard it. "But what if he never
even got those messages, Wu? What if Catherine intercepted them
because she thought he shouldn't be with you and he's not had a clue
you've been brokenhearted about what happened?"

I clear my throat and try to deny the tightness I feel there as I keep my
face averted and reply more quietly than I intended to, "What if?
It doesn't matter anymore."

"Why do you say that?"

Trying to distract him from the topic by reminding him that my own
hair has grown in five years even if my body really hasn't, I pull the
tie from the tail that now runs more than halfway down my back and
toss it blindly at my desk. I know he's always had a weird fascination
with my hair and Yuy once even threatened to chop it off since it
distracted his lover too much.

With a small sigh and a continued refusal to look at him, I answer,
"If he wanted to be a part of my life, I'm sure I would've heard from
him by now. Like it or not, I'm a high profile officer in the Preventers,
aren't I? We're easy to find."

"But you two never cleared up that stuff about your post-war
Houdini act." Duo's voice seems to have a slight shift in pitch as
if maybe the deliberate hair ploy has worked and I feel minutely better
hiding behind my eyelids even as he adds, "Maybe if he knew you
never stopped loving him, it might make a difference?"

With another of the sighs I seem unable to control, I mentally damn
my best friend once more to the depths of whatever hell a shinigami
might find uncomfortable and refuse to answer. Hmm… it sounds like
Duo's about ready to give up judging by the way he's fidgeting in his
seat. Wondering what he's done to his uniform to make it rustle so
much is driving me crazy, though.

With a huff, he prods me with, "Or have you given up, Wu?
Can you actually tell me here and now that you don't love the
guy to this very day and are carrying a torch for him bigger than
the Statue of Liberty's?"

Sighing loud and long while adding several wishes for a torture
similar to Sisyphus' to be added to Duo's soul's eternal imprisonment,
I give in and say, "Yes, Maxwell, I still love Trowa. Not that it's any
business of yours, of course."

I can almost see his over-bright smile as once again he's proven
himself right and myself a fool. Then, instead of a reply, I hear him
rise to his feet and head to the door before calling over his shoulder,
"By the way, you ought to know it's rude to keep your eyes closed
when you have guests, Wufei."

"'Guests'?" I echo in surprise due to the plural being used instead
of the singular. I then finally open my eyes in time to see that Duo's
noisy clothes had been a deliberate diversion so I'd not realize that
he was concealing the arrival of what was easily the finest or
possibly the most horrifying of birthday gifts.

As my eyes go wide and my heart starts to race, I feel like I'm falling
into twin pools of emerald even though one is partially concealed by
a cascade of familiar auburn bangs and a voice that has deepened with
age greets me saying, "Hello, Fei. Happy birthday."

Words fail me entirely as I stare at a vision standing just inside my
office door that I thought I'd have the honor of seeing only in my
dreams throughout the rest of my miserable life.

Lightly brushing his bangs aside and offering me that small
somehow innocent smile he kept despite the horrors we'd both
been through between the wars, the zero system, and so much
worse during his painful childhood, he adds, "You're looking well.
I'm glad."

A tenderness I'd not seen since that final, unforgettable night together
then graces his exquisite features and fills me with a sense of hope that
I'd thought was impossible to recapture. Now I know beyond
questioning that he has forgiven me all of my sins and that if I can
do the same, we should be able to rebuild the paradise that I had
thought was lost forever.

Suddenly yet somehow slowly, I feel the corners of my mouth lift
in an _expression that had been absent from them for so very long.
As I rise to go to him and he welcomes me with open arms, I am
unaware of my lack of words in response. All that I am truly aware of
is that I once again have a reason to smile and I will not lack one
ever again.

~owari~

Author's Notes:

[1] This short piece is dedicated to my good friend and fellow
Wufei-lover, Spite! She helped brighten an otherwise depressing
birthday week by creating a simply delightful image of Trowa and
Wufei together that she surprised me with which can be seen and
drooled over at: http://www.wufei.dk/fanart/3x5spitegiftforenigma.jpg.
It was a magnificent gift and I wanted to say "thank you" with
something a little more substantial than a mere email or comment in her
LiveJournal. I hope she enjoyed this and I thank her yet again for her
kindness.

[2] To all of my GW fans who are wondering where I've been for the
last year and a half, well, my muses and I have been busy in the worlds
of "Weiss Kreuz", "Saiyuki", "Earthian", and a few other places most
of which can be discovered at ff.net and mm.org. Sadly, I don't have
any immediate plans for more GW pieces, but if there's enough
support for this new venture after so terribly long, that could change.

[3] As far as the backstory here goes, I sincerely hope I made it clear
in the narrative, but since I fear that I haven't, here is a narrative
summary since it's easier to write than first person is. At the end of the
first war, as per the original series, Wufei vanished into space after
killing Treize and I've added the twist that he basically hid somewhere
and nursed a minor case of dementia. At the same time, Trowa who
was devastated by Wufei's disappearance, went back to the circus
and waited for his missing lover to return. Eventually, Trowa's heart
broke thinking Wufei had deliberately left him behind and by the time
they were reunited during the Eve War, he had already begun
hardening his heart towards his former lover. After they were
separated once again, Trowa had second thoughts, but Catherine
couldn't allow him to go through so much pain all over again and
intercepted and eliminated all of Wufei's messages to Trowa. After
watching his best friend sink into a self-destructive extended state
of depression, Duo intervened and had Heero locate Trowa for him
so he could be invited to surprise our birthday celebrant. As to
what happens after this, I leave it to the fertile imaginations of all
the kind readers who took the time to read this lengthy explanation.

[4] My angst muse, Melpomene, and my romance muse, Erato, worked
together to create this short piece which I hope was an enjoyable
distraction for a few minutes.

[5] For anyone who is interested, I have started keeping an online
journal that will hopefully include daily updates on what I'm writing or
thinking of writing as well as what anime is distracting my muses plus
whatever else is going on at the Casa de Llama.
It's available at: http://www.livejournal.com/users/e_sama/