I spent my last night of my summer vacation on my rooftop writing poems. Love poems, to be exact. I only wrote them because something dealing with the subject of love occupied my mind, and was usually never positive.
Normally, on a night like this, Taylor would've been with me on that rooftop, trying to think of a melody out of my poems. And when he did, he would've sang them to me. It would just be for fun, and not like we would actually squeeze true feelings for each other out of them.
A tear trickled down my cheek, and for two reasons. I loved him so much that it hurt to think about it, yet, sometimes, I had no idea why I was crying. Maybe for the sake of it, I wouldn't know my emotions that well, all I know is how sensitive they are. It wouldn't be because I loved him so much, it would be because of something else.
Another tear swam down my face. Why am I so emotional right now? More tears dribbled down my cheek, stinging my sunburned areas.
"Kim, stop crying. Why are you crying anyway? You're so idiotic sometimes. He'll be home in a few days." I said to myself, biting my fingers to stop the waterworks from flowing smoothly.
I wasn't necessarily crying because of Taylor, but because I really needed to be with him at that very moment. My feelings inside wanted to burst into my legs and have me jump off of my rooftop and into his window.
And then a power came over me. I stopped crying, my energy died down, and my emotions disintegrated.
What was I to do? At times, I thought the passion died altogether. More than I felt that I needed him to feed my hungry lips yearning to be brushed upon by his comforting kisses.
But what outweighed what? Did I want to keep dating him, or was it too hard to keep this going that I had to break-up with him? I mean, I didn't even know what love was yet. True love.
Life was just too hard.
"Choco-latte, choco-latte, choco-latte." I chanted as I stood in front of the arctic freezer at the local 7-11, trying to locate a container of "choco-latte" ice cream.
"Dammit, where's that stupid chocolate and coffee ice cream?" I muttered out loud.
"Bzzzzzt." said a voice as they put their fingers to my head, sending a vibration throughout my body.
I put my hands up as if I was trying to stop somebody, but I didn't turn around. "Taylor, if you were going to scare me, the least you couldv'e done was-" I started to say.
"I'm not Taylor." said the same voice, only this time I could make out that it was much deeper.
"Isaac?" I gasped, turning around. "Hey! What's up?"
"Just getting a magazine and some juice for the house, but I think Zac will finish it before tomorrow." he replied.
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.
"He came down with a sore throat yesterday." he informed.
"Oh, I'm sorry. What from?"
"I think it may have been caused by encouraging audiences to scream as loud as they could and he himself was singing too loud." he explained, half-smiling.
"Hmmm, I guess that's understandable." I almost chuckled at my attempted joke.
We went to the cashier and purchased our products. I had to get home soon so that the ice cream wouldn't melt, and get all over my backpack.
"Do you want a ride home?" he offered as we walked outside.
"No, you don't have to. I'll be fine." I declined.
"Because, I'd be more than happy to. You don't want that ice cream melting in your bag, do you?" he pushed.
"Well, could I put my bike in the trunk?" I asked.
"Sure. I'll help you put it in here." he agreed.
"You know, he can't stop talking about you." Isaac piped up as we were five minutes away from home.
"Who?" I asked, dazed and looking out the window.
"Who? Taylor. Who'd you think?" he asked, surprised I didn't know who he was talking about.
"What do you mean?" I asked, and turned around to face him.
"Well, all I almost ever hear is, "Mom, Kim and I are going out. See ya." Or, "Dad, can Kim stay for dinner?" Or, "Would it be okay if Kim and I did so-and-so?" You know, stuff like that. It's like your his obsession object or something." he explained.
"I'm sorry." I apologized, shaking my head and closing my eyes in slight frustration. "My brain's too confused to think. I have a report due in English next Friday. Can you believe that? And so soon, too."
"Really?" he asked, amazed.
"Yeah."
Isaac pulled up into his driveway and got out of the car when he parked it. "Thanks for the ride, Isaac." I said, getting out with him and gathering my grocery bag and walked my bike next door after Isaac unloaded it.
"Kim! Kim, wait up." called a voice, belonging to Taylor.
My heart started to jump, and my breathing rate increased. My emotions stayed put. "T-Taylor, hi." I greeted, pushing a lock of hair behind my ear in nervousness. I spotted Isaac giving me a look from across the yard.
"Hey." he said, and took my bike and walked it into my garage.
"Taylor, come with me." I said, and took his hand like a mother would take her child and led him inside and up to my room, after putting the groceries away.
I locked my door behind us and came onto him with a full-on passionate embrace. He was surprised.
"Taylor, kiss me. Kiss me like you wouldn't imagine doing." I begged.
He stood there and stuttered like a complete idiot. I waited for a response, but decided to continue.
"Taylor, all we have is this one moment in time. I will give you anything, anything you could possibly imagine receiving from me. Anything." I whispered in his ear.
"Anything." he repeated.
"Anything but sex. There's no way I'll commit to something crazy and stupid like sex right now. I will give you anything and everything you want. Not sex, but anything." I continued.
"Anything but sex." he repeated again.
I kissed his neck. "You got that right, anything." I whispered.
I let him take over. He tucked one of his legs behind both of mine and laid us down on the bed. Ruffling each other's hair, our mouths stayed locked. Tighter those kisses became. And then lighter. Tighter, lighter, hotter, softer, harder.
Off with his shirt. God, sometimes it made me sick to think he was just skin and bones. But did that matter now? No. Nothing mattered, only except for the fact that he right then lifted my arms up and pulled my shirt over my head.
He ran his hands over my stomach. "God, have you lost weight?" he asked.
"Ten pounds, and I grew another inch." I continued to kiss him, not caring about my physical status.
"You look so good." he gasped. Then he brought his lips to my stomach and kissed it, making his way up my chest and to my neck, where he started sucking and biting.
"Mmmph." I said, and moaned. It was hard to resist the thought of sex then.
"I know. You like that." he said, his hands clinging to my waist and thighs.
Slowly, I wrapped my legs around his body. As I cradled him, he started moving up against me. I could feel him getting turned on, when my mind told me to stop. I hated to listen to it.
At mid-kiss, I let go of his mouth. I had to stop. What we were doing didn't feel right. At least, not for me.
"Kim, what's wrong?" Taylor asked, and stopped to ruffle my hair.
"Taylor...I want to end this." I whispered breathily.
He leaned down and kissed my mouth. I got a hold of his back and repeated his move. Dammit no, stop.
"Taylor, no. I want to stop this now." I said, and gently pushed him off of me, reaching for my shirt and pulling it back over my head.
"Well." he said, and got up and leaned against my desk, throwing on his shirt as well.
I stared at the ground. "Do you, um, want to go for a walk?" I asked, preparing the speech in my head that I would hate to deliver.
"Yeah, sure." he said, and we interlocked hands and fingers as we walked out the front door.
"Kim, are you okay? You're awfully quiet." he observed.
"I'm fine." I lied quietly, and turned away from his gaze.
We came to a bench in the park. I stared at it for a moment. Kim, it's now or never. Don't make it harder than it already is.
"Taylor, sit down," I declared. "I need to talk to you."
We sat. "What is it?" he questioned.
"You know we said to each other that we can tell each other anything, right?" I recalled.
"Yeah." he agreed.
"Well, this time, I'm afraid to tell you something now, but I really need to tell it to you. I'm just afraid...I just know...Dammit, it's just really hard for me to say it."
"C'mon Kim, just tell me. What is it? It's alright." he assured.
"No, it's not alright. Taylor, I hate to do this to the both of us, and trust me, this would be the last thing in the world I'd want to do, but I want..." I hesistated. "I want to break up with you."
He paused as his face fell.
"What? Why?" he asked, squinting his eyes.
"Taylor, I love you too much to do something retched like this. But it isn't fair to me that you're gone a lot, and it isn't that fair to you, too. I want to break up with you because of that and I don't want to ruin the powerful friendship that we hold together. I would be devestated if we lost that. Taylor, this is for the better. I mean, jeez, we don't even know what real love is. I almost feel like I'm just throwing it around. It's so hard to say, but when I did say that I loved you, I meant it that I loved you as a friend, but it came out sounding like it was true love." Tears were welling up in my eyes. I hated to do this. Confiding in people was hard for me. I usually...always ended up saying something hurtful.
He was frustrated. "You're wrong, I do know what love is, and this love, this love that I have for you, it's real. Why are you denying it?" he questioned.
"Taylor, you don't love me. You love me as a friend. Your mind is playing games with your heart, and it's telling you that you have true love feelings for me. Mine did that too, until I realized I only loved you as a friend. Dammit, Taylor, we're only fourteen. Fourteen! How the hell do we know what love is if we haven't had the experience?"
He remained quiet.
"Taylor, this is harder on me than it is you. I still want to be the best of friends, and I love you, a lot; don't start thinking I don't because that isn't true, and it never will be. It's better for us that we stay friends and not go out. Please." I finished.
He kissed my cheek with a little exaggeration. "I don't want to accept this. Why am I saying that I do, I don't know. Yes, I do. It's because I'd give you anything, and if you want this and think it's the best, then I believe you. It's just going to take time to get used to." he replied.
I wiped my eyes. "Come on, let's go home." I said.
Only years from now would I realize that I made a mistake creating this bump we had in the road of our friendship. One that may never be creased again.