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April 2, 2000 ~ Random short update, cause it's really late, but I've got some stuff to say. First off, last night I went to a party and had SUCH a good time. It was so much fun. Lots of people I didn't know, lots of good stuff. Floppy giddiness all around. And all my pissiness became entertaining, and as much as I still care about stuff, I really don't. And I appreciate people's efforts so much, even though I don't show it, and I really should. But moving on. I've also become immensely pissed off at someone. I'm losing respect for him by the minute. And that's really upsetting, cause this is a relationship that has always held immense importance to me. And my thoughts of the future are getting bleaker. Too much pain intensity and carelessness. I'm thinking in protective and practical ways right now. I don't know if I like that or not. It feels like I'm losing touch with my emotions, or not putting them first. Becoming superficial with things that shouldn't be or something, but there comes a point. You've just gotta look out for yourself and screw the rest. Despite what that is. Which brings me to one of the things that's pissing me off. To blame me for shallowness in my actions, to say you're surprised, because usually I'm so fucking deep. Would you fucking take a look at yourself? Following your fucking feelings. It's called fucking greed, fucking selfishness. Doing what makes you feel good momentarily. Screw any fucking depth of feeling. You fucking hypocrit. Alright, sorry you guys. I needed to say some stuff, and it wasn't going to be said directly. So, moving on once again. Part 2 of Johnny Rotten's thing on VH1, Rotten Television, was on tonight. It's so great. A 7 part thing. Me and my dad just sit down and watch it together. Despite it being on at midnight or 11, it's just so important, it doesn't matter. Haha. Our quality time together. I really think he's a good role model for teenagers. Despite the seemingly ridiculous nature of that statement, it really is true. Mainly for confidence issues. His ideologies; famous people, beautiful people, popular people, they're ugly and arrogant and stupid too. You are no worse than any of them, they are no better than you. All the things that form those differences are fake. And why we allow ourselves to believe them, well, society does that. So, next topic. I've heard back from 6 out of 7 of my colleges, and I won't be hearing from the other one until April 15th, so I'm ignoring that one. So here goes my college applying results: I got into Lafayette, College of Wooster, NYU, Oberlin, and UVA. I got rejected by Columbia. I'm waiting for Wesleyan. So time for the decision making to begin. As of now I'm thinking it's between UVA and Oberlin, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. They both seem too familar. UVA will have a ton of people from my school there, it's instate. My brother is graduating from Oberlin this year. They're both pretty different too. I don't know. I really have no idea what I want, and I'm not wanting to think about it too much right now. So we'll see. It'll be an interesting month. Well, it's damn late and I've got a lot left to do. This was some venting. My acutal permanent feelings, I don't know quite what they are, so don't take anything to heavily. And why I'm explaining and making excuses and such I do not know. I'm not good at sticking to things. But I think most things are rather ficcle. Most. So yeah. This is my disclaimer. Off I go. I don't want to be hated, but things don't seem worth salvaging at times.

Additional venting: And showing no concern, no interest. I don't know, maybe with some. Maybe you're limited in who you can do that with. You seem to have lost that ability. The softness, the sweetness. All that made you who you were and who was so important to me.

I now know why the disclaimer exists. I'm getting too personal here. This would normally be something I'd write to myself. Another unsent letter to add to the pile, but I'm tired, and I'm distressed, so I'm not caring, although obviously I am. But I'm leaving now. Consequences...damn them. Confrontation. It can be good...can't it?

You're drowning who you are. Maybe who you were. I don't know if it's permanent yet. Has it been a successful homicide? Suicide? I fucking hope not. Too much lost.

Alright, I think this is the longest, most added onto rambling in the history of this page. I'm just going insane. I just started listening to some old Bush, the stuff that gives me freshman year flashbacks. Anyway, listening to the song I get my webpage title from, it made me really sad. This album (razorblade suitcase) was used for many an emotional thing back in the day. When I was distressed. When I was hearbroken and angry and needed some release. And anyway, I'm leaving with the full lyrics to the song that is this page's namesake. Here ya go. Hopefully this will sum it up, cause I can't keep coming back to this.

Straight No Chaser

Always be there,
Face I live with,
Always be there,
Face I live with.
Abscess memory,
with broken fingers.
All the fallen down angels.
Raw, pain, distress.

Its all, in the way we know that we could have it all.
Some, Satellites of pain can't always be ignored.
War on all sides,
War on all sides.

Drink life as it comes,
Straight no chaser.
Life as it comes,
Straight no chaser.
Climb inside of you,
away from strangers.
We're building a system,
of alleys and motorways.

Its all, in the way we know that we could have it all.
Some, Satellites of pain can't always be ignored.
It's all, in face of what we thought you knew before.
War on all sides,
War on all sides,
War on all sides....

Keep on driving.
Hair left morning wet.
There's nothing like losing you,
There's nothing like losing you,
There's nothing like losing you,
There's nothing like losing you.

April 3, 2000 ~ Well, I got rejected by Wesleyan today. I don't think that bothers me. I had lots of problems with them, and I was pretty much thinking without them in mind already. I am however realizing how much I really wanted to go to Columbia, and how much that rejection means to me. Not that I ever expected to get in. It's just strange. I had somehow involved them in my plans a little too much. So I guess focus is important right now. Goals and all. I really hate this deciding business. It's because no one place stands out that strongly in my mind, and everywhere has it's positive and negative qualities, and determining which are important and which aren't is just a huge and daunting task. Not to mention that this decision has an insane impact on the rest of your life. So anyway, I was going a little crazy tonight. And I'm having some regrets about where I applied and about how I've done in school and stuff. I think I'm being overly disappointed. I've gotten into some very good schools, and I'm really glad I have a choice of where I go, it's just the thought of what else is out there. Which I probably really couldn't handle, so this is just me being stupid. And I know I'm just blowing everything out of proportion, but oh well. So I'm gonna move on. My whole thing yesterday, it's been put into perspective. I was really angry and tired and dazed last night. Woah, it's raining a whole lot, cool cool. So anyway, my new and, I think, more clarified thoughts. It's something very important to me, something very close to me, that's why I get so into it, so upset about it. Have my feelings actually changed? No. But I do get saddened, and I do get upset, and only because there's so much love there. That make sense? So I don't know. I'm being avoidant in doing this here and not in real life. Maybe I shouldn't. But we'll see. So for now, I'll just enjoy what I can, and do what I can. Cause the time that's left and what can be salvaged is what matters. Off I go to study some government. Bye-bye!

April 6, 2000 ~ I found something today that sent me straight back to last summer and reminded me of something. Not something I had forgotten to any extent, but the intensity and genuineness of which I had lost sight. It made me realize how great something had been. How unbelievably real and sure and uncorrupted. And God how it made me appreciate someone. And the time is coming when I feel I should let people know what they've meant to me. I see no way I could possibly express this. It also made me regret a lot. Not really regret I guess, but made me feel that something had been missed which cannot be gotten back. And it was missed because of my own fear and unreadiness. And how cruel is it that something so incredible should present itself at a time when it cannot be appreciated or manifested. I see no way that anything like this could exist again. I really don't think it could. It's one of those things that happens only once in your life. I only wish it had turned out better for me. Not that this is necessarily the end. But that moment: the purity and passion, the intensity and immensity; it seems uncapturable. Despite it all, I am unbelievably greatful that I had that. And I hope that I will always look back on it in this way, and not with regret. Because that would be too much. Because this was.

April 8, 2000 ~ I'm going insane. I'm thinking about everything involved in going off to college at once, and early. It's only april, but it just seems so close. And there is something inherently traumatic in leaving behind everything and everyone you know. I was so weird yesterday. I just got in this strange pissy/depressed mood, and I was just mean to this person. I'm thinking I'm doing that whole subconscious pre-leaving distancing thing. Trying to find reasons to distance myself, to not care, so that it will be less painful. I've been thinking about this too much lately. It's a long way off. Starting off a relationship talking about the end. The end is near and I wish I didn't care. Alas, I move on. I don't even know where I'm going to college yet. My thoughts move ahead of me. Now I will actually move on. So. I've got so much work to do this weekend. I've got a 2000-2400 word english paper due on tuesday as well as 12 essays for government. Damn crappy. And I'm going to a Stereophonics concert on monday night, so that's just not good. I should have done more of my english paper today, but I got sidetracked somehow. The day went by quickly. I did however work a little bit on something I haven't worked on in awhile, so that was really good. This english paper is on Kerouac, so I feel the need to make it really good, even though I really don't care about my grade on it. I feel obliged to make it good. Worthy of its subject. Speaking of which my dad found me a book of Kerouac poems at the thrift store today. Good stuff. Well, I'm going now. I need sleep, and I need to add some more stuff. And work on my paper.... I was just really sad tonight. And yesterday. It's crazy. And so extensive. But it's still early. I have time. I need to remember this. Bye-bye!

"If I am honest I will admit that I have always wanted to avoid love. Yes give me romance, give me sex, give me fights, give me all the parts of love but not the simple single word which is so complex and demands the best of me this hour this minute this forever."
~Jeanette Winterson, "The Poetics of Sex"

April 11, 2000 ~ So tired.... Went to bed at around 3:30, got up at 6. Not good. I went to the Stereophonics concert last night though. It was so good and enjoyable! They're quite a good band. Since I got back from the concert last night at around midnight, I think I've listened to their new cd about 5 times. Good stuff. I had my english paper to finish however, so we only stayed for like 2 or 3 songs of Charlatans UK. But that's alright. It was cool. Stereophonics are welsh, and there was this massive group of about 10 welsh guys right in front of us. They were damn funny. Just going crazy and jumping around a whole lot. And one of them was this balding guy in his forties. It was damn cool. So that was cool. But then I got home and had to finish my paper, which really sucks. I don't even remember what I wrote now, cause I was just so tired. I was writing it on the metro on the way to and from the concert. So sad. But oh well. I got it done, and managed to do all 12 of my government essays in biology today, so it all got accomplished. This was bad though. I need to get myself a little more organized. I've only got like a month of actual work left, so I should be able to focus for that long. Hopefully. Although now I've got a lot of sleep to catch up on. Right now I'm trying to stay awake until this evening so I can just go to bed early. I have to drive to go tutor kids tho, and I'm hoping I won't fall asleep and kill the people in my car. That would suck a whole lot. I'm think I'm doing alright though. Lots of caffeine. Today was crazy. Everyone had stayed up all night, coming in late, and falling asleep. My english teacher had a big paper due, as did the other lit teacher. And those government essays. So it was really strange. So, college junx. Always a topic at this point. Still between UVA and Oberlin, although I think I'm heavily leaning towards Oberlin. I'm going to an accepted students thing for them tomorrow night, and then I'm gonna go visit UVA over spring break(next week!) I got a letter from NYU today that made their english program sound so good though. Damn good advertising. Grr.... I don't know. I hate decision making. I do my best to avoid it, which is really a bad thing, but alas. So, I'm gonna go now cause I need to eat and load up on some more caffeine and go pick people up. Perhaps I'll come back and say more later. Probably not though, I need sleep. One last thing. I don't know how excited I am about college. I mean, I definitely am, but I'm always getting really sad about leaving people, moreso than other people seem to be, which is crappy. It's all Eileen's fault. That's what I say. If I go to Oberlin, I'll be one of the few people going out of state, so I'll be extra far away. Rana's going far away too, but she's damn excited and happy about where she's going, so that cancels it out slightly. So I don't know. I guess I'm just worried about maintaining some things. But it's all cool. It'll all work out somehow. But off I go, bye!

April 13, 2000 ~ I'm so tired. This week has been insanely busy. But next week's spring break, so that's cool. Although I'm doing a whole lot during the break, so I don't know how break-ish it'll be feeling. I am however going to Disney World for the first part, which should be really really cool. I'm quite looking forward to that. And I need to remember to pack tomorrow. Hmm.... Oh! Today we had the first formal rehearsal of my new "band". Haha. It's this thing that Tommy, my ultimate ass-kicking former orchestra stand partner, started. Some sort of punk quartet. Haha. It's so funny, I love it. So basicaly we give him songs, he arranges them for string quartet, and then we play it. Good stuff. It's so fun. So far we've only done one NOFX song. So good and entertaining. So anyway, that was fun. It'll be interesting to see where this goes. Right now I'm making a tape of songs to give to him as possibilities. Ahh, funny funny. I've got so much stuff to do tonight, so I may cut this short. I'll try to update again tomorrow. So anyway, what else. Well.... Hmm. I want Eileen to be unstressed and happy! This is upsetting. Be unstressed and happy Eileen! It'll all work out. Really it will. I've been crazily thinking about so much stuff lately. Not even all college related. Just a whole bunch of wide ranging big stuff. It's so crazy. And I've come up with something I really wanna write. So we'll see. And I've just been missing someone a lot and thinking about them a lot. Kinda strange, but not really. So I don't know. Oh, last night I went to the Oberlin accepted students thing. It was pretty cool. Overall I think it made me want to go there more. But of course I don't really know. Other influencing factors are that when I got home I had a conversation with someone about UVA and it just wasn't good. So I don't know. We'll see. Like I think I'm kinda happy with the prospect of going to Oberlin, but there's just so many things wrong with it. Well not wrong, but negative things about it. And I don't know how big an influence those things actually are. I mean like, I like that it's small, but would that mean I wouldn't meet as many different types of people? And I'll be in the middle of nowhere. But near cleveland, but I don't know if I'd actually get out there. I don't know. I should talk to my brother. So anyway, hmm... what to say. I don't know. I'm gonna go visit UVA the day after I get back from Disney World with Katie, so that should be cool, and hopefully it'll help my decision and not cause me to become insanely confused. So yeah. Well, I've gotta go write up my bio lab. So hopefully I'll update tomorrow, and if not, happy spring break to those of u for whom it will be that! hehehe. And I'll get back to this page as soon as possible. Bye-bye!

April 18, 2000 ~ I'm BACK!! Disney World was really cool and fun. I'm going to talk about that at the end of this rambling though, because I'm currently going completely insane. Damn this college stuff. Alright, so here's what happened today. Well, I was in my room practicing franticaly for my violin lesson for which I was wholey unprepared, feeling very tired and achey from 3 days of no sleep and lots of standing. So anyway, then I get a phone call from this admissions guy at Wooster basicaly asking if I was still considering them and asking about the scholarship they offered me and saying that they were very interested in having me attend there and to call him if I needed anything. So anyway, having to basicaly say to him that first of all, I hadn't made a decision, and that I had basicaly eliminated Wooster, had some massive effect on me. I really like that college too. I can totally see myself there and happy and all that. It's just not competetive enough for me. And people there are so nice. So anyway, that just made me feel really crappy. So then I was talking to my mom and just started crying, and ended up talking to her for like an hour and canceling my violin lesson cause I was just a big ol' crying mess. I don't know. So I was just talking about everything. Like overall, I think I'm leaning toward Oberlin, but I've just got all these problems with it. And I don't think I like UVA that much, but there's all these good things about it. I don't know. I'm driving down to UVA tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. I hate this whole thing. And I was just talking about how far away Oberlin seems now and how I used to want to just get away from high school people and VA, and now I'm just really scared and depressed at the thought. And now it turns out that ALL of my close friends, the ones I actually do stuff with, are going to school in VA at like 3 different schools. I know that if I go to Oberlin I'm going to spend the next five months or whatever just being really clingy and insecure with my friends. And feeling all outcasted or something. I don't know. And I do want to go away and all, but I don't know. Since I've always lived here and been with these people, I see myself in their context. When I think of myself as just myself in a world of people I don't know, I want to go to Oberlin. Seeing myself as I am now with the friends I have now, I'm totally freaked out by the concept. I don't know. I'm going to act insanely up till august. God. And it totally seems like this decision will determine all about the rest of my life. And there are some things from high school that I know I'm clinging to and that I want to cling to, but I know that it's stupid and bad. I don't know. I think I've got two friends going out of state. One being my boyfriend, but that really doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Cause he's always saying he's not going to keep in touch with people and all this crap, so ya know, who gives a fuck. When people care about keeping in touch w/ me, I care too, ya know. I don't know. And also he's a lot less attached to people here, so it's not as big of a deal. My other friend's going really far away, but it's such a great opportunity, and she's really excited about it. So I don't know. It's like I'd just be going away to somewhere I'm unsure of and not that excited about. But I know I'm totally overanalyzing and overgeneralizing everything here. But as I said before, I'm going insane. I don't know. I'm already feeling horribly disconnected from people, but that's probably also due to the fact that I've been out of town for a few days and now I'm finding out where people are going and stuff. I don't know. I hate this. This is just way overly stressful. And I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is, but I also don't think I am. I don't know. So I'll move on now. But anyway, I'm going to UVA tomorrow, then I've gotta talk to my brother about Oberlin, and then I've gotta decide. I've got like a week and a half left. Damnit. Janet. Haha. Alright, so. Disney World. Well now I'm all depressed. You can't talk about Disney World when you're depressed! Grr... Gimme a sec. Alright, I'm gonna try, but this will be crappy and non-descript. I'll try to put up some pics once I get them developed, cause they should be cool. Oh, I was also going through old photo albums today. That made me sad as well. And made me realize how much we've all changed in like the last 2 years. Insanity. But anyway, so Disney World. Well, I had my first non-parent flying experience, and that all went well. Twas cool. So we got to the hotel, then we went to MGM, which was cool, although not overly exciting. Then we went back and met up with Karen and then we went to Downtown Disney where I spent way too much money so that I couldn't eat for awhile. Haha, not really, but it was bad. But I got an awesome Smiths cd, and some other good stuff. So then we went to Pleasure Island and went clubbing. Fun stuff. Although it was Disney World, and either fake-feeling, or eerie, cause there were some dirty drunken old people. But anyway, we went to two clubs. One was a rock-ish place, which was pretty cool, but they played an odd mix of good and horrible music. So then we went to this disco-esque 70s place. This had the most scary old people. And it was really crowded, but cool. So that was really fun, and then we went back to the hotel. The next day we went to The Magic Kingdom, which is the best place there, of course. We originally failed in meeting people, but ended up finding a bunch of people. So we went on most of the rides we considered to be necessary, and I got to hang out with Crystal and Carolyn, and Clarke found Margaret. So that was cool. Then we stayed for the fireworks and the parade, which were very very cool. Then we went back to the hotel and Karen left. =( Then we slept and Clarke kept scaring the crap out of me with this Flat Eric stuffed animal thing he got. It looks so creepy and evil. So anyway, the next day we went to Epcot, this was yesterday btw, and that was cool as well. We were both really tired and got stuck in a norweigen restaurant for a really long time though, so we didn't do too much. But we ate at the really good Italian restaurant and saw the laser/fireworks show, which was also really really good. Then we got home, packed, and got up at 5 in the morning to head back to the airport. Which is why I'm so tired right now. I fell asleep on the plane before it took off, and then when I woke up, I was all freaked out cause we were in the sky, and I never saw us take off. Twas weird. So, it was a good trip. Clarke and I got along well and didn't kill each other. Haha, Clarke kept getting wafted in by the smell of popcorn and bought like 4 boxes/tubs of it in 2 days or something. It was funny. So anyway, it was a very good time. Happy memories. I think that contributes to my stress right now as well though. Spending happy time w/ friends. Ah well. So I'll just be really insecure about my friendships now I think. Not good. So to all my friends, you've been warned. So if I get weird and obnoxious, this might be why. Or else I've just gotten weird and obnoxious. But off I go, cause I've got some UVA driving to plan. That should be cool too. I've really liked talking to Katie lately, and she hasn't seen UVA yet, so her impressions should be interesting. Alright, I'm going now. So tired.... Bye!

April 20, 2000 ~ Ahh, 420. Grrr.... Well, I am officialy going to Oberlin now. It's all being sent out tomorrow. Insanity! I'm not really relieved or happy about it though, just kind of sedated and sad. But I think I'm working towards excitement. I'm really tired today too. I visited UVA yesterday, and it was just insanely pretty and nice, but it was bigger than I think I could do well in, and the whole teacher assistant thing and big classes. The trip gave me real reasons to say no to UVA, which is probably what I needed. Katie really liked it though, which I'm happy about. We had a good trip. And I successfully drove down there without getting lost or falling asleep or getting in an accident. So proud so proud. Twas cool though. That's the furthest/longest I've driven. That's not very far either. So anyway, I was still going to call my brother to talk to him about Oberlin and wait a few days, but I got really tired and bored and was going through my college crap, and just started filling out the cards saying I was going to Oberlin, so there ya go. I think I had pretty much decided for awhile, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. So yeah. Insanity. I'll be going up there at the end of may, so that'll be cool. Oh, and I can't go to the frickin HFStival, cause it's on the sunday that I'll be driving up to Ohio. Grrr.... But oh well. I'm not gonna think about it. And people aren't going to prom and it's very annoying! I don't wanna go w/ a bunch of random people. Grr.... I'm missing out a whole bunch of good group-ish things and going to normally good group-ish things where noone will be. Insanity. Not good. Oh well, I'm really tired. So I'm gonna go sleep. I can't think of anything more to say. Just wanted to update u all on my college decision making. Later!

April 23, 2000 ~ Well, school begins again tomorrow. Blech. It's late right now, but I'm having some good conversation, so I'm updating and chatting instead of sleeping. Well, I'm really excited about Oberlin and college now. It's quite cool. Like instead of being obsessed w/ leaving people and all that, I'm just really excited about being somewhere else and meeting people and such. And I don't think I'm being all insecure and obnoxious with my friends. I'm just trying to do as much with them as I can and do a lot of cool stuff before August. Oh, and Happy Easter! My day was pretty good. I was feeling quite nauseous all day, don't know why, but it was cool. My aunt, uncle, other aunt and her boyfriend came over for dinner. It was pretty cool, although I had to watch people eat steak while I ate some vegetarian lasagna. Holidays suck now. Grr.... Wow, crazy conversations. I am gonna miss people. We all need to get away from some stuff though. New beginnings can be nice. But off I go, cause I'm tired. Oh! and apparently I'm getting Roger Waters tickets tomorrow. Quite cool. That should be crazy. Bye-bye!

April 24, 2000 ~ Well, the first day back to school after spring break went surprisingly well. School itself however seemed more pointless than ever. Even biology, in which we're always doing actual work, just seemed like a waste of time. This is what you get when you give us time off. Ugh, I want school to be over. In some aspects anyway. But anyway, today was cool. We didn't have to play in orchestra, so a few of us chilled in our teacher's surprisingly trippy office and listened to music, and then our pit orchestra rehearsal got canceled, so I got to go home right after school. Then I got an old music paper from 1977 with a big ol' Clash article in it from my bf that he got in Paris, so that was cool. And then me and Thomas went to get Roger Waters tickets, and that was quite entertaining and happy. So then I was in a very good mood, ate dinner, went to my random monday night orchestra thing, which turned out to be really really cool. Everyone was really warm and nice and stuff. And I got some lilies out of it. Quite random. Haha. But it was really cool. Playing Duke Ellington on violin is damn hard, let me tell you. So anyway, it was a good day. I'm REALLY tired though, and my allergies have been bad, so I just have this really consistent headache. Quite crappy. I've also got a biology test tomorrow on the circulatory and excretory systems of which I have either forgotten everything of just don't know anything, so I should probably go study for that. Do you know how complicated kidneys are? It's insane. Grr.... Haha. So yeah. I really wanna go to college. I'm getting really excited. This summer should be cool too. I really want to spend a lot of time with people and just have a good time. Hopefully it'll be good. I think it will. I was feeling strangely disconnected from someone today. I don't know how strange it actually is, but it's interesting and not so good. I don't know, we'll see. Insanity. Oh! Change of subject. My minister wrote an article about young people and church and such, and I'm quoted in it, so here it is if you feel like reading it. Hehehe: Article. So yeah. Well, I think I'm gonna go study or sleep now. Today was very good though, and I'm just feeling quite nice. I've gotten so optomistic and looking toward the future lately. It's very nice. Alright, so off I go, bye!

Random quote I like:
"When I was 15 I suffered from unrequited love, and I wanted to commit suicide in a romantic way by drinking a lot of vinegar. I thought that would make me look ethereal and interesting, very pale and poetic when in my grave, but at 16 I decided on a more exalted death. I wanted to dance myself to death."

April 25, 2000 ~ I'm really tired and I should be asleep right now, but I don't feel like taking a shower, and I don't really feel like sleeping either. Today was really crappy. It rained all day, which isn't a problem, but I was also really really tired, so I just got really groggy and wasn't really talking and stuff. Weird. But anyway, I was finding some stuff annoying, and acting strange, and then there was some talking and stuff, and that just always goes badly, which of course it did. So then I ended up getting to read some pretty interesting stuff. And I hate it when I get to places like this where decisions get made and thoughts and motives get overanalyzed. But I think I'm there. I hate it so much. In some ways it's all just too complicated, but in others it's actually quite simple. I think I make it complicated so I don't have to admit what I already know. I avoid decision making. And then there's the whole fact that there's only two months of school left, and we'll all be moving in four months. And I'm sorry, but time limits do make a difference, and if you say it doesn't, you're screwed up or lying to yourself. And I don't care if it shouldn't. And I don't think should or shouldn't exist. So I don't know. I'm pretty distressed. And there's a lot at risk. And there's things in the near future that are already planned and shit. So I really don't know. But that would leave me with what I was thinking in the first place. I can't deal with this right now. It's just too much. I don't want to deal with it. So how does one go about this? I have no clue. See, that requires too much thought too. I don't have the time for any of this. I just want to sleep, graduate, enjoy my summer free from this concern, and go to college. But who knows. Maybe this is just one of my day long strange mood things. It doesn't really feel like it. Cause I think it's been building. But it's all so random. It's not like there's actually been much buiding lately. Things have been good. It just kind of returned suddenly. And I'm not quite sure what it is I've been thinking that caused it to appear. I've got some thinking to do. I'm just hoping I'm not pushed to a response before I'm ready too, and that seems to happen quite a lot. We'll see. Sorry if this made no sense, I require venting and procrastination. But I think I'm gonna try to sleep now. Too much on my mind.

April 29, 2000 ~ I saw The Smashing Pumpkins last night. That was a really really awesome concert. I wasn't all that excited about it. I like them and all, but I'm not a huge fan, but my opinion of them is a lot higher now. They played great, their stage set-up was damn cool, the crowd was awesome, and it was just so much fun. I think Billy Corgan's a much cooler guy now. We joined a nice little mosh pit. We had talked to some of the people around us, and then they just started one of the main mosh pits. It was real cool, cause everyone was just having a good time. Didn't really get angry or anything. And there was this one guy there who was just really really cool. He was stoned out of his mind, but really nice and helpful. He'd kind of watch out for people, help them up, all that kind of stuff. So anyway, that was a lot of fun. And things didn't get too weird, although perhaps they should have. I don't know what I'm doing. This is kind of a bad place I'm in right now. I think I know where I want to be going, but it's just so easy to fall back on what's comfortable. And it's pretty comfortable, even if it isn't. So I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens. How things go, how I'm feeling. How resentful I get. I don't know. Weird situation. It's feeling like this whole thing was just a bad idea, but I don't really think it was. I don't know. Weird stuff, weird stuff. But moving on.... HFStival tickets went on sale today. I can't go cause I'm driving up for my brother's graduation that day, so I didn't go to get them. But apparently almost nobody got them. They sold out really quickly, and there was just an insane amount of people there. Crazy stuff. That'd be really frustrating. Cause I know that the 3 other times I've camped out, you get a little angry and freaked out by the thought that you've deprived yourself of that much sleep for nothing. But usually in the past, the store buys a lot of tickets first, and then sells them to people, so generally everyone in line gets them, even if it takes longer to go through the line than it does to sellout the tickets. So I don't know. I guess the presence of Rage Against the Machine caused a surge of interest. So this is kind of sucky. Out last normal-going HFStival isn't happening. But we can always try to go when we're in college. I'm just gonna have to get some people still in VA to hook me up w/ tickets and such. Heheheh. Well, it's early afternoon still, so I might add more tonight if anything interesting occurs or I get in any weird mindsets. We'll see we'll see. I've got so much work to do this weekend. Have to summarize 40 case briefs for government, but we split it up, so I've actually gotta do 10, but that's still more than I can handle. We'll see though. I'm bad at getting myself started working on things. I always want to get myself organized and my room clean before I work for some reason, and so I work on that, and then I never even get started. I think it's just another form of procrastination. But whatever. So I'm gonna go do something to that effect right now. Bye-bye!

© 2002
villanelle219
est. July 1998
version 2 Oct. 1999
version 3 April 2002