"You're too beautiful to put into words"
~PJ Harvey (Bad Fortune)
April 16, 2002 ~ So there was some breaking up last night. With the guy I've known for eight years, had romantic things with for 7, loved since I was 16, been with since I was 18. It's insane. It's all timing and circumstance, and though I know those are very real things, it seems so wrong. Last night I was on the phone with Clarke till about 3, and kept referenceing Splendor in the Grass and the Gary Snyder poem Atthis. Just both about love and regret and timing. Young love and maybe it's too early to survive and maybe it's the thing that'll still haunt you 30 years later. Clarke and I joked that when we see each other years from now we're going to be forced to be miserable, regretful, and recite depressing Walt Whitman poems. You should watch that movie. Horribly depressing but really good. It's odd too, cause last year Thomas was the one giving me the encouragement about handling the long distance thing. And that if it's what we both want there's no reason it can't work out. Which seemed too silly and idealistic, but it is true. There's just so much else you're giving up. And think this all makes sense, is probably for the best. But I love him so much. And were I in that place, I'd be ready to be getting married. And who knows, maybe we'll find each other again somewhere down the road, but we've still got a long time before we'll be in a position to even be seeing each other. So weird. It seems very unlikely though. He said we owe it to ourselves, and that's true, but I feel like there's something we owe ourselves in holding onto something we know is really real. I still need him in my life. And that can be okay. And the circumstances of our relationship really aren't good. But he's still the person I wanna have with me for every big thing I ever do. All the things I want to do in my lifetime are things I want him to do with me. And that's not gonna go away. I know we can't say it's a break either, though he called it that once last night. Just cause we've done that before. And it's what you expect and what you live for, and everything inbetween is fake. And we're dealing with a definite amount of time, and it's big, and that's weird. God. I know part of me isnt' gonna want anything serious for awhile. I dunno. I was praying last nigh. I haven't done that in awhile. I guess I was back to feeling like there was something really important and out of my control. I think that usually brings me there. This is just so much to give up. And logically it's good. But in every other way it just seems so stupid. Not that continuing this doesn't too. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be in love with somebody and know they still love you and just ignore it. Well, maybe I've done that actually. With him. We were joking about that last night too. Just how we'd done this before. But it's such a bigger thing now. I guess when you start considering changes in such a long distance relationship it just kind of opens the floodgates. Cause it all involves some deception. Not letting yourself consider certain things. And if you're gonna do one thing, why not all. And once your without having to do that are you really gonna want to go back to it? I don't know that he's something I can give up though. I don't like that who you're with isn't just about the person and the relationship. I hate time and circumstance. I was definitely born in the wrong generation for falling in love in high school. If I'd been born earlier this would all be normal and not an issue. Being in your twenties meant settling down, not that you still have 15 good years to sleep with whoever you want. And it's good I'm not married out of high school or whatever, but goddamnit if the ideals of this time period didn't fuck me in the ass.
