April 2005 Rants

4-17
I am not alone anymore. That is a cold hard fact now that I would like to recognize. And it all started with Bobb...and that is why in two weeks I will be able to say goodbye to her. Tonight I just had a freakin awesome night. On my trip to VPA to present my research I met this awesome psych major Katie. We had never met before, which is weird because I do know most of the psych majors or they know of me. And it was this weird instant connection that you just don't  question.

And so we ride up on the van together...and by fate she ends up as my roommate. And we just have the freakin most awesome time. And she gave me strength while I gave me talk by smiling and just nodding and it was great. Tonight we hung out at my favorite bands' gig...and for the first time ever...the music became the backdrop for the best conversation ever...rather than the focal point. Normally at their show, you know the music is what I am totally focused on. Not this time, it was me and Katie just talking and laughing, with good live music to go with it. Fuckin' awesome.

And so the last song we heard was a favorite of mine, Letters to Emily...and we get in my car and what is playing? Letters to Emily. Okay so I drop her off at her car, and I'm walking up toward my dorm and she yells from her car on the street...that Call Me Al from Paul Simon is on...which is the second to last song we heard. Weird? Yes. Meaning? We don't care, just thought it was cool.
 
And as I'm laughing and looking up at my dorm I just said to myself...I'm okay. And I'm realizing that saying goodbye to Bobb is going to be okay. I mean I had been realizing it over the past week, I'd been calm since our last session...but now, I'm even better about it. Tonight was a great night. After I got to my room another friend from my dorm came on down and chatted for over an hour. 
 
So I'm just like Holy Cow...I made it. I did it. From this moment on I just know that life is going to be okay. No matter what comes my way...I'm not alone anymore...and people are more interested in staying than leaving. And so...that is a pretty cool freaking night and I had to share it. Life isn't perfect, and I don't expect it to be...but hell, it's just okay and I'm great with that. From Hell to okay...works for me :-) 
 
"It's the gift of what you notice more..." 
 
I am noticing the good more than bad...and I am noticing that people do like me and they do not automatically hate me. But I never really gave people a chance before... I avoided rather than have the chance of someone hurting me. And thus I was left alone. At first it was not a choice, my family made the choice for me. But then as I got older and more independent and at college- it became a choice to stay in that habit or get out of it. And when at least one person was consistently there...it grew from there.

It's funny, Katie has had her share of problems, but we are so much alike, like in our healing, in our intelligence and love of psychology- I can talk about logistic regressions and MANOVA's and she gets it and we can debate stuff or work out problems...and she loves Folk music and even cried during the song Anchor. And she has always felt like an outsider...though she is beautiful and so brilliant and funny...and we fit together like that. We just "get" each other. Must be an ADHD thing ;-) And we both took a risk on each other. While I was writing an email to her after VPA, she wrote one to me, admitting how much she'd like to be friends...which was awesome cuz I'm always writing the emails like that.

And so we are friends. She's now a "midnight" friend heh. The kind ya call up at midnight to just shoot the breeze heh, or go do crazy and embarrassing things. And that is why I know, I can say goodbye to Bobb now. I have the courage and the strength...and the love and support.

"You wanna know how I did it? This is how I did it. I never saved anything for the swim back."

"They've got you looking so hard for any flaw that after a while, that's all you see. For whatever it's worth, I'm here to tell you that it is possible. It is possible."
- Gattaca

Life is finally possible. I see life and the beauty it does hold. And yes I've seen the darker moments but these are the days we live for. These are the days I suffered for...these are the moments I always hoped for. This is why I chose life. To just be content...listening to my favorite band and having an incredible conversation with a great friend.

"Now I've come to know...letting go"

And I must thank Katie...for showing me another door, as another one opens.

Night.

4-13
April 13th...a day to choose...a day to live. Exactly one year ago, I made the decision to live no matter what, and I have never looked back.

So today marks the anniversary of many things- of the past, of the present and of the future. After years of only pain and wanting to die, I finally made the decision one way or another. I took suicide off the table and a day later I took self injury off the table as well. And never again have I entertained those options.

As much as I ever wanted to die, I was always so full of life. Now, here a year later, I say goodbye to therapy on May 2nd...and with that- the whole "un-well" world in which I dwelled in for most of my life.

When the choice finally and firmly came before me: Live or die. I chose life, with whatever it may hold. I knew life could be so much more than I was making it...all I had to do was finally believe in that and hope for something more. And put my faith in Bobb to show me the way out of my life of pain. When I finally believed...when I finally had hope in a happy life and finally took ACTION to make that life happen...the rest is history. I am the healthy/happy person you see now.

So April 13th...the day I chose to live and discovered that life was indeed sweet.

They told you life is hard
It's misery from the start
It's dull and slow and painful

I tell you life is sweet
In spite of the misery
There's so much more
Be grateful

Who do you believe?
Who will you listen to
Who will it be?

It's high time you decide
It's time you make up your own sweet little mind

They told you life is long
Be thankful when it's done
Don't ask for more
You should be grateful

But I tell you life is short
Be thankful because before you know
It will be over

Cause life is sweet
And life is also very short
Your life is sweet
- Natalie Merchant

I chose life.

P.S. You'd think I'd mark this occasion by actually sleeping well tonight and going to bed early...but noooo...it's 3:00am and I'm crawling into bed. But hey, ya know...that's just me :-) In stark contrast to a year ago, I only take five or six pills a day vs. 15, I can sleep some nights without meds, I have friends now, I even got a good boyfriend, my parents know about abuse and we get along most of the time, my grades are up...hell I'm still IN school (vs. last year) and lets see...I'm healthy and very much alive :-)

Still gotta fix that procrastinating though...oops. It's a character trait, not a disorder ;-) Okay, really going now, just found that funny. but at least...even though I'm going to bed late...my sleep habits rock (only sleep in bed, nothing else), so there. Hehe, okay that was a round about way to work out a CD :-D

Again...April 13th, my favorite day of the year just because- man- I freakin' CHOSE to live. The fact of the matter is I didn't have to and almost didn't. But in the end, I chose life...and now am reaping the rewards of that choice and the subsequent freakin' hard ass work that followed. It was all worth it.

Yeah, I could live with pain and depression and mania...but you know what, I could also live without it. My choice, my life.

I chose life :-)

4-5
One of the things overwhelming me right now is the feeling that I am between the "well" world and the "un-well" world. And I don't belong in either. I am healed, I made it...I freakin' did it. Sometimes it feels very real, other times surreal, and yet other times a dream. I have many friends now, that do support me so much and it's wonderful. I have a job I love and I am very good at it. I have a boyfriend who is amazing me more and more every day. I'm in school- I never gave up and I will be graduating, just a year later. I founded my own mental health club on campus. I put my family back together- or at least pretty damn close. All of that is real. And I am healed- I no longer live in constant crisis, I no longer flip out when the options seem few...and I find solutions to the problems I may face. In effect...I now live life instead of just surviving it.

Yet sometimes, I feel like I am only pretending. That someone will point me out and tell me I don't belong. Or that one day I may fall prey to my illness again, that lithium may stop working or something else will change. Or that people will decide that they don't love me because I have a checkered past...and they themselves are afraid that it will come to haunt once more. And as much as I can say it will never happen again...I can never be completely sure...because the fact remains, it has come again. I can only control the here and now- and do the healthy things to keep me on the healed path.

I think also, for the first time in my life...I see my issues with trust. I recently met with the new group leader for the advanced sexual abuse survivors group, and she kept mentioning trust when I gave her an example of what I needed help with...and I didn't understand why...until now. I really like the new man in my life, yet I find myself afraid. When I tell him things about my past little by little, I get afraid that he may just drop me because of them. Or, because I am not ready to have sex yet, he will decide I am not worth the wait (because I do not give in, if he won't wait, that is his problem). And then I realize how little I trust, and how afraid I am that someone may find me unworthy...even though I myself don't think that. As much as I am living life...fear seeps in.

And I am tired of being afraid. I know how to combat the thoughts, but I am just so damn tired of it. And that is why I find myself wondering where I belong. I understand the un-well world- I know what happens when you go into crisis, I know when it is time to go into a hospital, I know about therapy and about meds, how to interact with others like me...and how to support those in crisis too. But this well world... I don't have a handle on. I don't know what to do when I'm sad...I don't know how to talk to people when I am upset.

I think when I was "sick"...I could talk more easily to certain people because they have "been there." But I find myself having trouble talking to the new people in my life, those that have only existed in my "well" world. It's a given that they won't truly understand...but then I am not even giving them a chance to have sympathy or even empathy. It's almost like I am afraid to even try, for fear that it goes badly. Yet at the same time, I yearn to have these people in my life completely. And with me...completely means both the well me...and knowing the times when I wasn't myself.

And all of this is worse...when I think about therapy ending in one session. I feel like I've been shoved hard into a goodbye, and I am just not ready yet. It's not that I don't think I can say goodbye...it is more that I don't feel ready. Because though I have my childhood issues mostly resolved, or as much as they can with therapy...there have been a few new problems arise that I just don't understand. It's like I really have not been "well" for very long, and I have questions...and I need just a little maglite a little longer.

Will I ever be ready to say goodbye to Bobb? Probably not. But then again, there are different stages of being ready. And I'm not very near them. And I feel like I'm being pushed off a cliff- I have all the knowledge of being "sick" and how to remedy those problems and issues...yet I honestly don't when it comes to being healthy. I am entering a new phase in my life, which I am very happy to be entering...but where is the help in entering this world? I'm expected to just be healthy...to be well...and yet I have no idea what I'm doing. Some of my coping skills learned when I was sick...don't work now. They need to grow...but I don't know where they grow to...I don't know the next step.

And so that is where I am. It's been a very sad night...but I think at the same time, I'm finally gathering my thoughts together. I am healed...I am healthy and well...yet at the same time I'm lost in this new world. I honestly thought therapy was the sign of a broken life, but I don't think that was accurate. I think the way I was doing therapy was the sign of a broken life. But now that I've grown, I need to not let go of therapy, but change the way I was doing it. Or more accurately- get a few sessions under my belt on how to navigate the healthy world.

And so now I am going to sleep...because I'm confused and I don't know what to do. Maybe the light of a new day, will bring new perspectives. At least I hope...I always hope.

this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings I've shared
and these are my dreams
that I'd never lived before
somebody shake me
'cause I
I must be sleeping

[chorus]
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and I feel like I can face the day I can forgive
and I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today

these are my words
that I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that I've never shown before

somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping

[chorus]

I'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

[chorus]
-So Far Away, Staind

4-5
"So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears"

I have no words for what I feel right now. I did cry at Matthew's memorial and funeral. Finally. I think I've broken the sadness barrier. And now...I have to look toward leaving Bobb. And I can't do it. No way. It shouldn't hurt this much, but it does.

And there are not enough words to convey why. My life exists because of her, and in a way she is a part of who I am. So how do you say goodbye to that? I have seldom conveyed on here the exact depth of my feelings toward this woman...I'm not that best at feelings, but I'm trying. I feel like a part of me is going to go missing. But it's even more to that. I just don't have the words.

"And all I could eat was the poisonous apple
And that's not a story I was meant to survive
I was all out of choices, but the woman of voices

She turned round the corner with music around her,
She gave me the language that keeps me alive, she said:

"I'm so glad that you finally made it here
With the things you know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
oh, aren't we aging well?""

"'Cause I don't wanna be the one who makes you laugh out loud
I wanna make you proud
And you always said you knew what I could be"

"And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

Today my heart is big and sore
it's tryin' to push right through my skin
I won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinkin' in"

4-4
"Not easy living in my mind
A little peace is hard to find
My every thought is undermined
By all the history inside"
-Staind

So I was feeling sick tonight, and finally concluded that it was psychological, rather than physical, due to the un-rest in my mind. The solution? Writing it out of course.

First, Friday morning a little boy was killed by a car :-( He was our Psychology Departments son (her only child)...later that night, I realized the connection to me. His much older brother and family lived next door to the family I lived with all summer. I have played with this kiddo soooo many times and had a kickass time. After I realized that...the pain broke a bit through my numbness and shock. Before I had been focused on the secretary- she is such a wonderful woman and really runs the psych department. And now, the memories pour in. I still can't cry...and that angers me.

Then later...I was reading this book, and it had some twisted sibling stuff in there, where one sister realizes her sister was living a lie and that sister then turns on her etc. And some stuff about my older brother really hit me hard. First...the fact that he abused me for so long- physically and emotionally. That I never had someone to protect me...the big brothers you read about or see on TV protect etc...and I had one do the exact opposite. And it hurts.

And then...then...I realized that I think he might have known what my cousin was doing to me (sexually abusing)...and didn't stop it or say something. And that is really hurting tonight. I have such unclear memories...but I really remember thinking that my brother knew...and had hope...which of course went away as he went on playing his twisted games on me.

And then all of this culminates with me realizing therapy is ending. That shit is going to happen and I won't have therapy to sit through and talk it out. I am getting the mark of healed...and yet I wonder if that is a blessing or a curse. It hurts so bad to think about ending therapy...but I guess its not really the therapy...it's leaving Bobb. Words can't even begin to describe.

"And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

Today my heart is big and sore
it's tryin' to push right through my skin
I won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinkin' in"
-Patty Griffin

There are so many things I can say about it...but they are all inadequate. I see her tomorrow, been about a month or so...and I think we either have one more session left or two. The prospect of not having her in my life...is devastating. I mean, there will be no doubt I'll see her again, be in her presence- at music shows in town or other events in town. But the relationship as it is...is ending. I won't have the help of her brilliant mind to help me work through problems. But she means even more to me than that...I don't know what to call it. And I don't know how to say goodbye. To me, it's still abstract...but as little things in my life happen...I can't believe one day I will be totally and completely out of therapy...and away from Bobb.

And that...is why a little peace is hard to find right now. And I can't even cry about it all. All I can say is thank God for music. And writing.

And I just pray I have the strength in me to turn the page, to this next chapter in my life...and close the book on previous chapter. Because it hurts so much, I don't know what lies ahead...especially since I've never been healthy. I feel like an imposter sometimes...living this life...yet a fake, not really a "healthy" person, just pretending. That one day the masquerade will be up...someone will find out I was the crazy person I used to be. That I'm "mentally ill" and don't belong in their world. It's so scary...and I'm so unsure of everything. It's so hard...to fight every day, the fight to stay healthy. But I do it...because as scary as it is...it is the right path...and the one that has made me the happiest. But that doesn't mean I am not scared shitless.

So there are my musings before homework, hopefully now I can concentrate. I'm very...sad and confused right now. And I'm very much thinking life is unfair, especially in light of the kiddo's death- the nicest boy on earth with the nicest mom :-(

"Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all"
-Evanescence

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