MAY RANTS- 2004

5-31
Well, I've spent a good two hours on some rants, but they shall forever remain in my 'private rants' doc, to be seen by no one, surprisingly not even my counselor or locked message boards. Some things, some times, need to be kept in my headwhere they are safe.

So Im here with all these thoughts assaulting me. You know its bad when I actually went to the fridge looking for alcohol to drown myself in. If it had been there, for the first time I would have given in- why? Because its about the only self destructive thing I have left. Butthankfully, Im sure God was here to protect me, because there was no alcoholin the face of probably one of my greatest impulses to drink everthere was none available for the first time. So thank you God. Im sure I would have hated myself then, if I had done it.

But instead, now I get to sit and wait through some self injury impulseswhich Ive been through time and again. Im used to this. What a thing to be used to- having impulses to self injure yourself.

So here I amjust sitting by this wall, wishing so much that I had the answer. Right now Im in a lot of pain, more pain than Im letting anybody know- my defenses are actually better than theyve ever been. I know this, because I know how I am when Im alone and its not goodbut everyone thinks Im doing so well. And you know, part of me isbut another part of me isnt. The part Ive been afraid to see, the part Ive been afraid to discussthe part that causes me the most pain.

Yeah, I get a lot of things these daysIve become a stronger, wiser personI know things, can see past depressionbut that doesnt make the pain go away, it doesnt make the pain stopdoesnt make these memories go away.

Doesnt make me be less alone. At times, being alone doesnt bother me, I enjoy finding out who I am. But at the same time, when Im standing there alone enjoying myself, I think how nice it would be to share some of those times with someone. Its funny, as likeable as I am, and yet be so alone. Kinda sad if you think about it.

But, I am very alone, I feel very alone. I honestly really dont have any friends. None (well those that arent online). And each time Ive tried to make them, they fall apart, they always dobecause I have yet to get my life together. I know Im just beginning to branch out, find out what I like to dobut Im doing it alone right now. I live my life just working and doing things alone, where the only human interaction I get is with professors, families I work for and a counselor. But none are my friends, I either get paid to be around em, do the paying to be around em or its a school affiliation. Some life, some social life. A very alone life if you really look at it. Oh well.

So heres my rant for the night. Not happy, not okay, not alright. Because Im not okay, and Im not alright. Im not smiling now, Im watering up, but no tears shall fall. So Im going to go take some Seroquel now and find relief in a dreamless sleep. Its the only relief I get these days.

Goodbye, goodnight, later.

5-31
Its hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I wont climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that youre gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When Im holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I dont wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
Im not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When Im holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When Im holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When Im still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
-Rain, Patty Griffin

It's funny how a morning turns a love to shame
Disguised and disfigured and you thought I tasted like rain
There`s nothing here but a shadow nothin here
Now you know
Now you know
Now you know
Now you know
There's nothin here but the shadow, and now you know

I spit, I spit in the eye
I tear, I tear out my heart
and I scatter the bits
I stay unseen by the light
I stay untold by the truth
I'm sold by a lie
By this I am able in all of my travels
To make these memories quit
But tonight I clearly recall every little bit

I can chew like a cannibal
I can yell like a cat
I even had you believing that I really really like it like that
But there was never a moment
Not a moment
Now you know
Now you know
Now you know
Now you know
You ever got within a hundred million miles of my soul

I spit, I spit in the eye
I tear, I tear out my heart
And I scatter the bits
I stay unseen by the light
I stay untold by the truth
I'm sold by a lie
By this I am able in all of my travels
To make these memories quit
But tonight I clearly recall every little bit

You left open the window till the morning
And the winter walked in
Reality fired her wooden bullet
Splintered under our skin
They say I'm walking on freedom
This is freedom
Now I know
Now I know
Now I know
Now I know
I still don't blame you for leaving,baby
It's cold living with ghosts

I spit, I spit in the eye
I tear, I tear out my heart
and I scatter the bits
I stay unseen by the light
I stay untold by the truth
I'm sold by a lie
By this I am able in all of my travels
To make these memories quit
But tonight I clearly recall every little bit
-Every Little Bit, Patti Griffin

5-29
So I just sat down and read most of my May rants. It's an interesting thing to go back and read- aloud- the things you've written. I actually teared up at a few parts, involuntarily. Often, I write it all up, post it and leave it...don't go back and read much. And I certainly never utter most of these things aloud, word for word. So I sat down and read. It was interesting to read aloud and put a voice to these words.

I made those words mine with my voice. I put on Dar Williams and had at it. And it just struck me. Though eventually I stopped, just couldn't read anymore. Apparently I can only take myself in small doses lol.

But a part of me got scared as I read. I noticed a not so good trend. Things were great in all of my early rants...but I've noticed they have gotten increasingly more dark and questioning. It's hard for me to not be alarmed then...my current past history is- a set of good insightful rants, followed by dark rants...and then a crash.

But, I do my mental check- is depression present at all? Thankfully, no. I still 'get it' and I still feel without the dark pit of depression taking hold. It's just me...finally feeling the pain...but without an outlet to really show my pain...except with words. I can't cry about it...I can't sit in the company of another person and be vulnerable about it...self injury is certainly no longer an option. So it's kind of like I've got all these new feelings and no where to go with them. So I write...and write a lot.

Really...I just knew where to go from here. I just don't know...and that disturbs me. But oh well...it is now about four am and I'm just getting more restless, so I'm going to go now...maybe find something to knock me out for sleep.

Night.

5-26
Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun,
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels,
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real,
I've looked at love that way.

But now it's just another show,
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
Don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.

Oh but now old friends they're acting strange,
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
- Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell

Up in a sterilized room
Where they let you be lazy
Knowing your attitude's all wrong
And you got to change
And that's not easy
Dragon shining with all values known
Dazzling you-keeping you from your own
Where is the lion in you to defy him
When you're this weak
And this spacey...

So what are you going to do about it
You can't live life and you can't leave it
Advice and religion-you can't take it
You can't seem to believe it
The peacock is afraid to parade
You're under the thumb of the maid
You really can't give love in this condition
Still you know how you need it

They open and close you
Then they talk like they know you
They don't know you
They're friends and they're foes too
Trouble child
Breaking like the waves at Malibu

So why does it come as such a shock
To know you really have no one
Only a river of changing faces
Looking for an ocean
They trickle through your leaky plans
Another dream over the dam
And you're lying in some room
Feeling like your right to be human
Is going over too
Well some are going to knock you
And some'll try to clock you
You know it's really hard
To talk sense to you
Trouble child
Breaking like the waves at Malibu
- Trouble Child, Joni Mitchell

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, when you're older, must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him,
Take your time, it won't be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
- Circle Game, Joni Mitchell

5-26
Im not even sure how to start this rantI figured maybe if I just began writing, I would get out what I want to say. The first thing I wanted to talk about was where I amI feel like Im between the darkness and the light. The darkness is my past, its who I used to be, who I used to want to be, and what I have defeated. The light is where Im going now, where I know I will go and what Ive won.

I look back and I see so much painso much pain, so much sadness and anger and fear. My heart aches with the pain I see, the pain I can still feel. But, now I can at least look away. And I look away to the light I can now feel, to the future I no longer fear, to the love I wish to feel and the happiness and joy I know is there.

But nownow I feel in between the two. On the path, but not there yet. There are still mountains I must climb and obstacles to overcome, but it seems that the worst has cometheres no more waiting for it to hit meit came, and went. I finally let go of it. I hung on for so long, clinging to a path that was not mine to take. Death was not for me, nor living in the past with so much pain. Nothat was not the path for me, no matter how comforting it may have seemed or how normal and right it seemed- it just wasnt mine.

But it was on that path that I forged myself, who I tried to make an identity out ofbut now that is no longer. So, that also means that identity is gone. That girl, that womanshe vanishedand a new me is arising. The real me has come forth to claim my identity. I feel like I knew her at times, maybe caught glimpses, but she was never there to stayjust there enough to provide me with hope and the will to carry on. And now Im finally discovering herme.

I look and stare at me in wonder. There is finally a me, there is someone I recognize, someone Im beginning to like a little at a time. But sometimes its hard to see, as well. There is just so much Im discovering, at times it seems overwhelmingat times I cant believe what Im doing. Its not safe and secure territory, its not what Im used to, its notwhat I remember. Its all unfamiliar territorybut it is friendlyit is where I CHOOSE to be.

And that choice has made all the difference. That choice allows me to be strongeven faced with my past, faced with the pain, faced with the temptation to return to those times. At times I wonder if I am crazy because I times I miss the pain, the chaosbut I know its not because Im crazy, but because that is what I knew to be life, what I knew to be safe and secure. Pain was constant, predictablebut now everyday I awake and who the hell knows what I have coming. I see so many of my scars sometimes and I feel pain and regretand temptation for more sometimes. It softly whispers occasionally, but I knew that would come. It will be a while before I can look at something sharp and not know what I want to do with it. Sick? Crazy? Maybebut I do shut the door on that chapter of my life.

And I begin a new one. One that isnt written, one that hasnt been attempted before, and one that is different than all the others. Ive got quite a thick book on my hands, full of so many chapters- of pain, of sorrow, of hate, and of hurtrarely can I look back and see the chapter of happiness and joythose remain the chapters ahead.

There are so many unknowns these days, but thats okayIm ready and willing to face it. Ive opened up both my eyes and my mind. Ive made a choice. I made the choice to live, no matter what may come my way. I had my one last fight with pain and suffering, and for once I took matters into my own hand and decided my fate.

I had guides and helpers along the way, to help me build my strength and couragebut in the end, only I could stand and make the choice. Only I could travel that path, only I could really decide. And oh, how close I came to playing out the scene in my mind that haunted me for years. I was so sure I was to die, so sure my days were numbered, so sure Id die young. I was so afraid of the future, of stepping outside everything I knewand so used to being who I was not (as strange as that may seem).

And these daysits remembering who I was trying to be that causes me pain. In my own way, it seems, Im trying to burn down the past and who I used to be. Im doing my best to show me. And things I find of my old lifeI want to get rid of.

So where am I going with all this? I do not knowas with many things I do not know. What I do knowI am highly enjoying finding myselfreally finding myself- and its all so new! I mean even my musical tastes have taken a turn arounda thing as simple as what I listen to has taken on new meaning. Someone opened a door for me and I jumped throughso happy to find such a connectionso happy to find something that actually brings me joy. Which I guess is part of the reason Im playing around with the idea of making music again. Picking up the violin I had long since buried. But I have not forgotten what it meant when I played: freedom. Until depression took that away from mestripping me of one of the few outlets I had.

But I no longer have depression taking from me. I have joy giving to me. So what would it be like to play nownow that I have so much to look forward too. I guess even a part of me is afraid to play againespecially with my love and deep connection for music these days. Perhaps playing can help me with something elsethe deep yearning Ive had to play ball again.

Yet another painful topicplaying ball- my freedom, the one place no one could touch, or so I thought. Eventually pain tore through that too. My bitterness runs deep there. And nothing has been able to touch thatI know I have to resolve that sometime. At one time being a baseball instructor helped that someI love teaching, and combining that with another love of sports helped. So I have embarked on another journey that combines several loves. There is a baseball league for children that are disabled called the Challenger League. There is not one in my area, but I know how the children would benefit from such a league. So Im hoping I can put that together some day soonand perhaps replace my bitterness, my sadness and painwith joy. I do this for the kidsand I do it for me as well. Talking about what happened with my ball playing days wont make the sadness or pain go awayI need some kind of action.

So piece by pieceI get rebuilt. Funny how that sounds. Or maybe its discoveredI get discovered. I feel like when I stepped out of that hospital for the first timeIMEstepped outand into the light. Its funnywhen they let me out the first time in those 19 daysit was raining and cold. I should have known then it wouldnt be for long. Not only that, but when I went in, it was rainy and coldthe trees had not blossomed etc. When I got outoh what a sunny, warm day. As I walked through campus again for the first timeall the trees and flowers were blooming- yes, I know this all sounds cornybut its the truth. And it represents the transformation of me that took place. And I think its the perfect representation.

Sohere I am. I dont even know what to say okay, so I just wrote three pages- I mean I dont know what to say about where Im going. But I chose a paththe one less traveled, in my own life and the life of my family. NoI dont always make the right choice, but they are at least my choiceschoices Im not afraid to make. Im ready to listen and learn with both eyes open and a mind that is slowly opening as well. I take the days as they come, listening more with my heart than my head these days. Im feeling more than everwhich means both the good and the bad and I let both in because they have to be thereI cant have one without the otherand thats not such a bad thing. Why? Because I have learned that joy and happiness are far, far stronger than that of pain, anger and sadness. No matter how dark the path may seem to getI now always remember that life is sweetoh so sweetand,

I'm so glad that [ I ] finally made it here
With the things [ I ] know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
Oh, aren't we aging well?

There is a line to a song that Ive recently heard too, about how suffering isnt for the evil, but the enlightened. That was a pretty good set of lyrics.

Im finally getting it, really getting itand that has become the stronger part of me. Im hereand I made that choice to be here and to continue on my journeywhere ever it may lead. I stand with strength, courage, joy, and without fear. I have the will to keep going forward, without looking back so much- the future is too bright for that.

5-20
Thank God for my work. After a very not so good dayI went to work and have been happier ever since. It was a rough session with my kiddo, she is having a lot of trouble with some academics, especially mathbut she is such a bright, awesome sweetieI love her so much. I was thinking on the way home, I almost gave her up last September when I started school again. I felt she didnt need me as much and I could turn her over to some other therapists. I had molded most of her aggressive behavior and now it was time to fine tune. But I was wrongloland went from 0 days to working with her 3 days a week. So we went about three weeks without therapy and thats it. Weve been stuck together ever since, just the two of us. Now she is getting me five days a week. We are working hard. And Ive seen the difference Ive made in her life and her familieshow much she has grown and changed and I realized how much shes gotten of me. I thank God tonight for the smile she gave me tonightwhat a special gift from such a special child. She made me a picture tonightI think Im going to have it framed and hang on my wall. When I started a year and a half ago with her, she could barely scribble with a crayonin 18 monthsI now have a picture that looks like any other five year olds- a house, grass, sun, sky, trees etcall of it. Perfect.

Last night about this time I was writing a storya story finally detailing some of the sexual abuse in the past (how I hate that term). And sent it off to my counselor. I needed to get that outI realize now that Ive done that, writing has come easier to me- no longer afraid of what might come out. It has been a very sad few days for me. Ive had a lot of flashbacks and triggers to deal with.

It seems whenever I close my eyes I am seeing something- whether its being hit, yelled ator touched. Images I wish I could forget, but are forever etched into my memory. No wonder I self injuredso much easier than facing what I am facing these days. Has self injury entered my mind? Id be lying if I said noit has, but it also leaves faster. I know that if I let all of these issues go this timethen it will be even harder to face the next time. I need to make my stand and fight this timeI need peace of mind, I need to get on with my life and I need to set things right.

Right now, what I wish most, is to cryto let it out. I sit here behind a computer and pound out my thoughtsmy innermost troublesand triumphs. Butthe face I have while writing this is not the face I show to others or even my counselor. Its so easy to hide behind a smile. I am angry sometimes because I wish more than anything I could be this vulnerable in counseling because I know that would help things so much. But it is like instantly when I show up for therapy, this shield, this defense goes up around me and no matter how much I battle through that fifty minute hour I cant get it to go down. I dont let a tear fall, I dont let all the pain and vulnerability show.

The last time I remember being completely unguarded and vulnerable with someone is when I was 17 and I walked into my guidance counselors office and told her I wanted to dieand I let out a cry, one of those big cries. But that was the last time. So why cant I do it now? What is preventing me now? I wish I knew, oh how I wish I knew.

So here I am, just trying to figure out what the hell to do. I need toI dont even know what I need anymore. But Im okaythis isnt depression that Im going throughhopefully its semi-normal. Just a sad, dark, ugly, angry timeand Im trying to get through it the best that I can. For once, I think I am doing things at least in the right direction- not perfect, but I can deal with imperfectionone of the perks of being human, you know ;-)

Okay, 11:30its off to bed with me. Im just plain tired. But my spirits are up, thanks to a special little kiddo who made my night. Who would have thought making a difference in one childs life was enough to make the pain of abuse go away, if only for one night :-) Good night everyoneits Seroquel time- I want a peaceful sleep tonight, not the ugly one I had last night.

Night.

The farther I come the farther I fall
Whatever I knew it was nothing at all
Nothing at all, just making me small
Smaller and smaller
I fall back

Sooner or later with a view from the ground
Chasing the race and the races run you down
Sooner or later with a view from the ground
And a tear in your eye
You say baby why cant we fly
Into the blue sky
High
Into the blue sky

Be my singing lesson
Be my song
When I tell you I'm falling
You tell me I'm strong
You say trees have grown tall
birds have flown high
Higher and higher
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
I'll fly over a rainbow
I'll be sun kissed
Sail around the planet Venus
And send a long letter
Way back home
That says all that I know
All that I know is the blue sky
High in the blue sky

The farther I come the farther I fall
Whatever I knew it was nothing at all
Trees have grown tall, birds have flown high
Higher and higher
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
-Blue Sky, Patty Griffin

"Well I know a woman with a collection of sticks
She could fight back the hundreds of voices she heard
And she could poke at the greed, she could fend off her need
And with anger she found she could pound every word.
But one voice got through, caught her up by surprise
It said, "Don't hold us back we're the story you tell,"
And no sooner than spoken, a spell had been broken
And the voices before her were trumpets and tympani
Violins, basses and woodwinds and cellos, singing

"We're so glad that you finally made it here
You thought nobody cared, but we did, we could tell
And now you'll dance through the days while the orchestra plays
And oh you're aging well"
-You're Aging Well, Dar Williams

**I can hear the orchestra playing now...that voice told me to tell my stories, so I am, doing the best I can. And for someone keeping me alive:
And all I could eat was the poisonous apple
And that's not a story I was meant to survive
I was all out of choices, but the woman of voices

She turned round the corner with music around her,
She gave me the language that keeps me alive, she said:

"I'm so glad that you finally made it here
With the things you know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
oh, aren't we aging well?"

5-20
Little Girl

So sad is the little girl
That stares into the mirror
And wishes to be anywhere but here.

Memories fade in and out,
And when she closes her eyes
A dark past begins to arise.

She sees the little girl,
Sees her terror, feels her pain,
Her cries made in vain.

Shes hit into submission
Condemned into silence-
Stripped of any defense.

He takes her as he pleases,
Uses and abuses this precious child-
She just looks and gives a smile.

The smile provides her only defense
To a world laying broken at her feet,
A world from which she retreats.

Into the present she slips,
Opening her eyes to whats real,
Wondering if shes ready to heal.

So sad is the little girl
Wise beyond her years,
And who only wishes for a tear.

Eyes begin to close
She begins to feel the pain
And get rid of others shame.

Finally beginning to heal,
She puts her trust in one,
And looks up, facing the sun.

5-17
I havent written up here in quite sometimeand its taken me a while to figure out why. Im too afraid to write because of what may come out.

5-11
Okay, I'm not in a good mood, I'll admit it. Too much stupid stress. First...last night I come home and the friend I'm staying with has tried to commit suicide (again). So that is very stressful at the moment. I'm poor and barely making it by, and I find that embarrassing.

Yesterday in therapy, while it was an alright session, I don't know- don't think I did well, was defended or something...just didn't sit right with me. I know I had thought of some stuff the previous night to talk about and didn't remember them the next day. I just need to sit down and figure out where I need to go with my therapy, so it doesn't suck.

So today...just tired, feel the stress of things weighing down on me.

I had not nice thoughts briefly enter my head but... I just kept saying to myself, 'suicide is not an option, suicide is not an option, suicide is not an option,' so it's not. I do have a new level of awareness and insight, so I can look at the stress and all of that and not go tumbling into a depression. At the same time, an escape is always nice, you know.

But I'm a stronger person now...and I am willing to use the support available to me. I think lol. I'm trying at least. I am changing and trying. I'm just fed up with a few things right now. And my med situation is horrible...I know I need consistency and I try very hard. The past two days I've been very, very good. Eating as much as I can (lol twice a day, but full meals) and always drinking water. Since I started back on the Lithium things have been okay. So that is good. My doctor is going to kill me...but I'm trying to break some bad habits. I should have never called him and even let him know I was sick. Ugh, just upset over that whole situation.

So yeah, these are the feel good rants I've been spilling out, but that is fine with me. I can't be happy go lucky all the time and when stress gets to you...writing is my forum to let it all out. So I am. Right now I'm just very tired, cranky, upset...maybe angry somewhat. Who knows.

Okay, time for bank, lunch, work, work, work. Later.

5-9
Another night, another day gone by and Im still okay. You knowI live in wonderment every day now. To me, its incredible how I feel inside. So Im happy and scared shitless at the same time. Im so very happy because its been a long time coming, such a long time coming. I think back now and just realizeat some point as a little girl- I went into myself and didnt come back until about three weeks ago. At some point a long time ago, I decided it was easier to hide and to bottle stuff up, then to show any evidence of my real selfor allow myself to feel joy. What a tragedy! What a loss! I weep for that little girl (well, figuratively, I wish literally!!). I went through lifeso blindly, so darkly and I could not see the light.

Yethere I am. Here I am. Not blind and Ive stepped into the light. How, I dont know for sure! And I am scared. It is scary to feel this stuff for the first time and its so wonderful- I dont want to lose it. I dont want to wake up one day and be in a depression or someone to look at me and say Im manicI want this to be real, to be mineto just be!

And so, I live my days out in happiness and in fear. Hopefully in time I can get rid of the fear part. The more I live life (and not survive it) the more I can believe in it hopefully. My eyes are wide open and Im seeing the world. Im doing things for myself that are actually fun! Most importantlyI have a life- I didnt take it. I didnt take it. Its still very much hereand my eyes water at these statements. I didnt take my life. That is a very powerful statement to me. Why? Because I was so sure that I was going to end it one day. At the very least since I was 13 years old I was convinced I was going to die. Even as I started to get treatment at 17a part of me always felt that I was going to die young, no matter how it happened (though most likely through my own hands). Even last year and the year before when I thought I was better, some part of me felt like it was going to die.

And some part of me didin fact- MOST of me died. The only part that remained was the part to build myself back up againinto me. With the old me dyingit left the one I had banished from the land of the living. And so here I am- I did not take my life. And nowwow- how do I say this? A part of me no longer feels the need to die- I dont feel like dying, I dont feel any inch of me dying or wanting to die. I am 100% living. Wowwhat a fucking powerful statement for me to make. Im LIVINGI WANT TO LIVE I want to shout it from the rooftops. After spending so much of my life working on dying, how SWEET it is to spend my time wanting to live. Life is sweet. Life is so sweet my friends.

5-8
Here I amsitting down by a window, having one of my favorite lunches.. Favorite music is playing in my ears and Im writing. Joy? I feel it. And it radiates from me, from my eyes.

So today was graduation for many of my senior friends. It was happy and a little sad. A little sad because I thought of next year, the year I was supposed to graduate. Instead Ill be on the sidelines watching all of my friends graduate. That will be a little sad, that was a big thing to let go of. But I looked up and realized that it was okay. Because my life has taken a different path than many of my friends. For the first three years of my college education- I was in a battlea battle for my life. What a long freakin battle that I did each and every day.

But its over now, the battle has been won and Im learning how to embrace life and live in it. Im workin on the living part instead of the dying part. I thought that might be a good idea ;-) The day I got out of the hospital again was the start of my new life, the beginning of life really for me. From here on outI justIm just really looking forward to my future.

This summer will be nice, just working with my kids, going to my own therapy and then working with a professor of mine to get a paper published. I am very excited about that. What a great study we have designed and I really hope it can help change the world, just a little bit. Self injurers have it rough enough without having to have to worry about insensitive people and research literature that just doesnt get it. And of course, Ive got that new SI book in the works. I am beginning to surround myself with people who can help me with thathelps to know a few media contacts ;-)

I awake in the morning and its hope, not despair that I experience. Except for the few days I was physically ill (damn lithium), Id wake up with a smile.well depends when I got up ;-) Im not exactly a morning personso uh, if you wake me up early, you get a grunt. Otherwise, youll get a heyand me straight to shower to wake up.

The point of all of this isits all so different. I used to wake up every morning praying to God that hed kill me or give me the strength to do it myself. Id feel just a pit of despair every dayeven good days were over-shadowed with dark thoughts and darker feelings. Now, I wake up and feel joy throughout me, happy to be alive and thanking God that he gave the strength to get better, not worse. I wake up with hope every day. Do I check myself for signs of the past every morning? Yeah I doafter spending so much time fucked upI like to make damn sure that Im okay and that this isnt a hoax. And so far its not! Wahoo. Lol.

I do live in fear everydayjust the fear that this may all be fake. I remember the past all too clearly, and I do remember when I thought things were real in the past. My saving grace I that I see the things I didnt getand I have a kickass counselor that can tell the difference.

Anyway...time to get going...just wanted to have a good rant up! Later.

5-7
Solife goes on! Its been an interesting trip lately. Ive certainly had my share of really shitty stuff happen, all nicely clumped together. Hey- why do things half way? Lol. But its okay. You know, every day when I wake up, I do an almost mental check. I wonderis this realdo I really have it? And then I look in the mirror and I know that I do. But still, it is kind of scary. To constantly wonder if I am going to crash at any momentwhen something happens to wonder if this is going to put you over the top. If one day Im going to wake up and have it gone and finally do what Ive been planning since I was thirteen years old.

But somehowin the deepest crevices of my heart, I know that wont be happening. I know that I am here and here to stay. End of story. Im not going anywhere. I dont really know how to describe it any other way.

Ive been searching my mind recently trying to figure out what it was that changed those 19 days in the hospital. Who would have thought I would have come out like I did!? I planned my suicide TWICE in those three weeks. And I was getting better and better at committing to do it and being more secretive. I mean, I got out after a week the first time in the hospital and then everyone thought I was doing great, seemed at peacebut I was at peace only because I knew what I really was going to do. But alas, there was some stupid hope of mine in me, and my counselor caught it and saved me yet again. Mando I owe that woman a lot.

I know there were several variables that contributed to my getting it. One, I think I got sick of the hospital visits lol. Always the youngest and the most experience in a hospital- that is kind of sick. TwoI think we did get the medication right for once (other than this week Ive been sick- must get the lithium levels checked). Three, I recognized that I needed a reason to liveinternally, not externally. I was tired of living for everyone elseI know people told me time and again, live for this, live for thatbut at the end of the day- thats just not enoughI had to have a reason for me and me alone. The outside stuff can crumble at any timebut if I could find a reason all my own- that could stay with me and not leavethat I could hold on to. Four, I recognize my own self worth- it does not rely on what other people think of me (though that helps lol). Five, people do care about methey really do. Six, suicide is an escape, an easy way out, a way to not feel the pain or face the pain. I dont want that, Im stronger than that. Seven, hurting myself, or committing suicide is letting them winand hell, Im a competitive person and I cant let that happen! Eight, I have a hell of a lot of things I want to accomplish in this world and I have the will, the drive, and the determination to do it (what can I sayIm plucky ;-)). Nine, I realized that there was a difference between surviving life and living life. Up to this point, I had just been survivingI did what I needed to do to just get by and nothing more. I didnt get the whole living thing. Live life? Whats that? I had people trying to tell me what it was like to actually live. But of course, being stubborn me, I didnt listen. I didnt really hear what they had to sayI just kept trying to do things my way, which of course, werent working. But thensomething did finally click. And I began to really hear what they had to say (especially someone in particular). And life came to melife chose me. I began to live itI began to want to live it.definitely a necessary part of living.

TenI had someone believe in me, and that has made all the difference in the world. She lived out each week with me, listening, caring, and trying to help me get it. Her attempts failed time and again and I just couldnt get through to myselfI couldnt take this knowledge to my heart, my soul. But, week after week, she never gave up hope on me. Hell, I was giving up hope on me- didnt think I could ever get it the way I knew I could be getting it. But, her belief in me, who I was and who I was to become- kept my hope aliveeven in my darkest hour, when I was prepared to die for what I could not see, somehow there was that little part of me that wanted to live and I showed her that indirectly, which ultimately saved my life. So tenher belief and hope in me- how could I not eventually get it with that kind of force behind me!

So there you have it. A month of pure hell and I have risen. I looked my past in the eye and said fuck it essentially. I looked at my old self and watched her dieand I became alive. And I am now living, for the first time ever. Therethere is just so much joy in life that I see now- its incredible. When I awake each morning, the difference in my heart, in my soul, the thoughts in my head- all incredible. I dont necessarily see the world with rose colored glassesI just see the world, through my glasses, and the way it should be seen. Shit happens and continues to happen, but that doesnt mean I have to turn a blind eye to the good. And there is so much good.

The other night I saw my first real concert/showand I have to say that has to be one of the most relaxed that I have ever been. The artist was awesome, better than I thought! Seeing her up there with just a guitar or piano was really awesome. Some of her songs really touched me as wellGod, heaven forbid, but one song had me tearing up- ugh- the one bad part to the new me ;-) I am capable of crying and definitely tearing up. So the one song had me, but I of course shut my eyes and wiped em now way Id cry there lol. But it was just a great time. Music really moves me in a way that few things can. I dont know what it is about musicbut it touches me done to my very soul and in a way, music is a source of therapy for me. And I have to thank a certain someone for turning me on to the music I listen to today because in a way, thats helped me become who I amI dont know quite what it is about the music, but it just has this magic effect that I cant quite describe. Butit rocks.

OkayI think Ive said enoughIm just really passionate about living right now and its really kind of cool. I just have so much to say, so much to doso much to experience. Some stuff is still hard for mebut the important thing now is I dont see giving up as an option. I see the future, what I can be, where I can go, what I can accomplish. Very cool. Life is coolhehe, new philosophy.

So thats it, Ill shut-up now, better get to sleep :-) Hope you guys are having a good night. Im going to sleep finallysee a few friends graduate in the morning!

Night.

5-6
Alrighty, what a fun night its been. Today had gone fairly smoothly. Got up at a decent hour, good sleep etc. Continued to go well, especially when I found out a favorite singer of mine was going to be in the area tomorrow nightand I decided I was going to go see her! That kicked ass.

Brothers (6 and 9 years old) came home and my oldest younger brother (9 year old) and I bonded over baseball cards, and had a great time. Then helped him with homework. Night progressed well. Dinner was fine.

Then after dinner came. Brothers were horsing around like brothers do, and boys do and children doand my mom lost her top- yelled in the yelling voice that is most fierce. And went upstairs, yelled some morethen- spanked them. Now, I have taken the yelling and bitten my tongue, but that got me.

When she came out of the room from spanking themI calmly said, please dont hit them again, and she laughedso I said, Im serious. So that began a fifteen minute discussion on spanking and yelling. Apparently, since her parents did it and my step dads parents did it and So many parents have done it to their children and lived through it, that it is right. When she said so many people did it and lived through it, I said, So because everyone has done it and all the kids have lived through it- that makes it right? And then I said...why does anyone have to live through it?

She just didn't get that it could hurt them emotionally, and it does to my brothers, especially the older one. She said, when I hit them it doesn't hurt...so I said, are you sure? Did you ask them? She thought that was preposterous...and I said, even if it doesn't physically hurt, maybe it does emotionally.

And I tried in vain to get her to understand that, there are just better ways of disciplining children than hitting. She tried to say spanking was not "hitting" or "beating" etc...but I was like- no, anytime you strike a child, that is hitting.

So my mom went on to say that the spanking should be a signal to them that they have crossed the line etc.in my viewa firm voice should be the final limitdont see why it would have to take more. Plus some of the stuff she yells at them for- they are just kids! Sometimes they are just being their age. Like tonighttheir behavior did not warrant that kind of punishmentso they werent taking their shower right away- why spank them? Just walk upstairs, ask them to stop horsing around and go take their shower (if need by, take whatever ball they are playing with.) Now, isnt that a healthier way??? Instead of lashing out in anger?

Striking a child is never okay, especially in anger or as a place to vent your frustrations.

Now, during all of thisthought my brothers were not nearbyBUT, my oldest little guy, was around and listening. After she lefthe came in with big tears in his eyes telling me he heard everything :-( His were tears of sadness and anger at her- for discounting them in our discussion, saying she doesnt yell that much etc. and saying hitting/yelling isnt badbut at the same time I think he found relief- he heard what I said against herthat I am there for him no matter what. And I told him- its okay to cry with me, to show your feelingsand if he ever needs me, to call me right then. Weve grown closer I believe, if that was possible! Oh how I wish I could be there for him more.

So anywayit was an interesting discussion. For once...I held my ground, spoke in a clear, calm manor- never lost my top, never yelled, never spoke in an aggressive manor, just said, this was my opinion. The more I think about the conversationshe had an awful lot of excuses as to why it was okay to hit them, she just kept reeling and trying to come up with arguments. In my opinion, part of her problem was that she was not mature enough to handle my level of thought about hitting children and the implications that may have. She is not in touch with her own feelings, those feelings deepest about her own abuse and thus when the mirror is ever so slightly reflected onto herselfshe hides behind a million excusesthat I think deep inside, somewhere, she knows they dont hold upbut she turns the blind eye, and remains unwilling to face herself, her pain, her past and how she has chosen to live and the beliefs shes clung to.

So of courseI get the silent treatment right now. I thought perhaps we could all be mature adults somewhat and have this discussion, but, I know she retreated to her room and spoke to Ron and then just stayed retreated. Lets see if she awakens and pretend that never happened (as she often does). At this pointI just want to be there for my brothers.

Well, I knew it couldnt be uneventful being home :) I just know thatI am growing more and more comfortable with myselfwith my opinions and beliefs and knowing what is in my past and the things that just arent right.

Ive had a great awakening and with that, has come a new voicea stronger, wiser voice. I know at times you need to keep your mouth shut, but at other times, you do need to voice your opinion- ESPECIALLY when it comes to children. I survived my childhood, I dont want my brothers having to survive anythingI want them to just live and live well.

Im really coming to understand one major thing about my relationship with my mother- I dont think SHE is comfortable with meI dont think she is okay with who I am becomingbecause I live my life VERY contrary to her own. She is VERY materialisticand I prefer a simplistic lifestyle; She takes a great deal of care to her outside appearance (makeup, clothes, the whole deal)and I- I just wear whats comfortable to me and what I like, even if its out of style lolI have my own style! She favors power, prestige, money etc.- all things she never had as a child and early in her lifeI prefernot sure how to put this- just helping others, helping children, not working for money etc., but for my passion, and bringing help, joy to othersand a quitet leadership style. She requires lots of people to like her, to validate herselfI prefer a few close friends and Ive started to learn how to validate myself. Shes not in touch with her emotions, her past and what it has done to her present behavior- and as a defense, claims she is healed and all of that past stuff is bull-crap. I, on the other hand, have chosen to get help, to understand, to really healto find out what emotions are and feel them like Ive never felt them before. So yeah, just a few differences.

Its funny to me- to know what her past was like etc., and to see her current behavior. She craves positive attention, esp. from her family- if she does something, if it goes un-noticed, she makes us notice, and then make us feel guilty that she did something good and we didnt notice- shes VERY good at that. And the whole, I work myself to the bone everyday thingwhy do you have to tell your children that? That going to make them more thankful? Should they be groveling at your feet? One of her favorite things to say to us children is to be thankful we have loving parents, have parents that give us things etc., and if we want, shell take away all our toys etc., and we can see what living with nothing is like. This goes to her past- she was given nothing and did not have loving parents.

My view- as a parent (if I were one lol)- be thankful you have children! And ALL children should having loving parents, who want to give them anything and help them succeed in life- guess you could say thats an inalienable right of children. I would never want my children to know what living with nothing is like. Or living in a household that thinks hitting a child is a form of discipline. That is just so very wrong. Just repeating the pattern of abuse.

Anywaymy family and I clash heavily on a few things it appears. Im trying to figure out a way we could live without conflict, but I dont see it happening- I am just so radically different from themI really am. And they will never see the things I seeespecially my mom- she is so cut off from her emotionsshell never be back. Soits up to me as to how to shape this relationship, since I know she wont be changing. So far its not going so well! But hell, I told them Id be honest from now on :-) That didnt just mean about the good things.

Soyeahphew got that all off my chest. That was SO not the rant I wanted to write tonightbut oh well. I really better get started on the intro to a paper of mine. Hope everyone had a better night than I did! ButI still feel okay. Funny how a month or two ago this would have sent me in a panic and into hell. NowI can stand up for myself, and for others, and still beme.

Night.

5-5
And this week is passing slowly. It needs to hurry upwell and be slow too. Fast- so I can get away from my parents slow because I am enjoying this time with my little brothers. They are so dear, I love them so much. And my mom yells at them, a lot. There are such easier ways to get your point across. I try to hard to soften the blowI let them cry with me and hold them when they are sad. My older younger brother (make sense? Lol), is quite perceptive. After being yelled at a lot today, he whispered to me, she yelled again and then said, geez, what a good role model, not. I thought that was quite intelligent of him. And I hurt when he hurtswhile she has yelled at him not to cry Ive held him and told him it was okay to cry, okay to be sad, okay to show his feelings. God, I hope I can make some sort of impact in my short stays. I almost lost it today with all the yelling, but bit my tongue for two reasons, one both brothers were there and two, I need to live here until Friday lol. But I try with my brothersshow them the other way (non yelling) and how its okay to feel and not bottle stuff up.

I have some good thoughts in my headbut just stuck in the thought phase so far. I thought if I started writing, they would comebut they will come when they will come. No reason to force them. But I can at least give an outline ;-) The first and biggest thought I think is about what happened for 19 days I was in the hospital. I went in prepared to die, and I came out embracing lifeand got things in ways I never thought possible and has sent myself and those that know me best reeling. Like holy shitTHAT makes sense. And it keeps coming. You know once the armor cracks, once the damn has a small holethe water all comes rushing inso all my knowledge has come rushing out, everything Ive been taking infinally hit homeI finally believed in it all, I finally felt it all (if that makes any sense). I took myself to a higher level, above being intellectualand I learned to hurt. A funny thing to learn how to do.

And now, hopefully, I have many more things to learn with this new level of insight and thoughtI can learn the things I have needed to learn, but my defenses kept me in.

My defensesa funny twisted thing- how high and strong they were! Honestly, if you look at it- holy cow. Thats why Im investigating what has happened to me- what was the final breakthrough? What really snagged my defenses and brought them down? What made me embrace life, instead of wanting to end it?

So there are all of those questions roaming through my mindand of course, just because I have a new level of insight and thoughtdoesnt mean all my problems disappear into thin air. I do still have some things troubling menow I can just deal with them better and finally come to closure on some things.

Anywaytoday, I am alivesitting here, listening to some kickass music (thanks to a certain somebody) and am just lucky to be alive. Somewhere though all of the darkness and despair, somewhere in my pleas for death, somewhere in the middle of trying to dieI heard a voice, and a couple more voiceshands yanking me back to the land of the livingsomehow, the voice of hope was louder than the voice of despair. And it was that voice that I followed, pleading and fighting against- but in the end, that voice stayed and became clear. By living through the depths of despair, I can embrace life and feel such passion. And it allows me to sit here and write these words, and feel so much inside. What a giftwhat a gift.

Night.

Oh wait- there's a song I'm reminded of ( and listening too) that sorta describes what happened, From the Ashes, by Martina McBride. I'll through the lyrics and my quick thought, and then full lyrics down below.

Don't try to save me now
Let the walls of my world all burn down
Just stand back and wait 'til the smoke finally passes
And I will rise
From the ashes
From the ashes
From the ashes

***That feels like when I went into the hospital...I was out of everyone's reach- I had to let it all go, I had to fight the fire... and then let the old me burn down...I had to let her and all her defenses go. And, from those ashes...I have risen...

For all that I'm losing 
Much more will I gain
The hard part is choosing 
To change what needs changed
My step will be much lighter
With these demons off my chest
I'm born a better spirit
And lay the old to rest

*** Wow did this hit home- "The hard part is choosing" THAT is what needed to be done...I was in limbo, couldn't decide if I was the one willing to change or stay the same. Perhaps...that is why I'd start the changing process and then stop. I was in a tug-of-war that neither side was winning. But I chose in the end and laid the old to rest. For eight lines of a song...it says so much of my life and what I've been going through, so much.

I'll walk away stronger
I will be flyin' 
Higher and truer
Than I've flown before

My right hand holds matches
My left holds my past
I hope the wind catches
And burns it down fast

***The first stanza is me...only way to describe it...it's me. The second part, the beginning of the 19 day journey...I lit up the past and had to let it all burn down...to arise from the ashes, a stronger, wiser, truer me. Here's the song:

From the Ashes, Martina McBride
My right hand holds matches
My left holds my past
I hope the wind catches
And burns it down fast
I'm gonna step into the fire
With my failures and my shame
And wave goodbye to yesterday
As I dance among the flames So

Chorus:
Don't try to save me now
Let the walls of my world all burn down
Just stand back and wait 'til the smoke finally passes
And I will rise
From the ashes
From the ashes
From the ashes

For all that I'm losing 
Much more will I gain
The hard part is choosing 
To change what needs changed
My step will be much lighter
With these demons off my chest
I'm born a better spirit
And lay the old to rest

Repeat Chorus

I'll walk away stronger
I will be flyin' 
Higher and truer
Than I've flown before

My right hand holds matches
My left holds my past
I hope the wind catches
And burns it down fast

5-2
Ah rant night. What a long ass day. Spent the whole time cleaning out my car, getting stuff out of it and really cleaning it! Almost looks as good as the day I bought it. Feels good. Hehe, lots of things feel good. Back on my regular med schedule, phew. When I forget, the time I get back on all of them, it upsets my stomach and to the toilet I go. But it will pass in a day or two. Further teaches me to be more strict and more aware of my med taking- ESPECIALLY since they are working so well.

Being at my parents house has been...almost like it's always been. But it doesn't bother me as much. They got angry once when I pretty much really slept in on Saturday...but hell- I freakin' deserved it after everything I had done and been through- it felt sooo good. So whatever...I told them that I needed it and they could deal with it.

I've been surprised, I've done really well, letting stuff roll off my back (i.e. their comments/actions)...because I am stronger in who I am and not what their picture of me is. They picture this girl whose in college, living the regular college life (whatever that is). But I'm different... and I like being different. I am a perfect reflection of myself, my values and my beliefs :-) I do enjoy school and learning, but more often I MUCH prefer learning outside of the classroom. And because I have found my life's work so early, it is EXTREMELY difficult to concentrate on school work that I will never use again, but I think I am getting better at trudging through it.

So I do go to school and my education IS important to me. But my parents think that is the be all and end all of my existence right now. I think for my mom more so- she didn't go to college and had to get her G.E.D...so I think in a way, she wanted to experience college life through me. But I am choosing the road less traveled because that is the type of person I am. 

I do go to school, make decent grades in subjects I'm uninterested in, and good grades in classes that do interest me. But outside of that- what a life I live...and they have no idea. I work with children with autism, and I say this without an ego- I am very, very good. I know this because it's evident in the children I work with and everything that I am able to do with the kids and most importantly, the connection I seem to make with them that helps them through therapy. Secondly, this site and message board that goes with it. Though I am not as active as I once was...I do make an impact here, my members have made damn sure that I realize that lol. I really and truly thank them for that. They are a great group of people and  I am proud to call them family. The impact I have made on what seems to be hundreds of self injurers has been great. To realize that you are NOT alone...that really is a gift, as I remember the first time I realized that. Priceless. When I thought I was worthless and wasn't helping them...they really showed me how much I meant to each one of them- what a gift to me. And there's my research. First the autism one- was great, what an experience- I learned so much. I really, really enjoy research. Not sure why, maybe its the accumulation or information and the hypothesis and wonderings...just hooks me. And now the SI research which is going SUPER well and my prof and I are very excited, so I like working on that. I do a hell of a lot of good things out of school. It's not like I won't graduate, I will. And go on to my masters. But I can't discount what it is that I do outside of the classroom, in many ways I'm getting a far better education than most of those students ever will.

So bringing this back to my parents- they are very rigid in their thinking and is just having a hard time accepting me, you know. For so many years (about 17/18) I was this submitting little girl, who was the golden child they thought, who would go the typical route. From high school to college, to grad school to very good job. Be a typical student- good social life, parties, a 'typical' college students life (whatever that is). Instead, I'm taking my time in school, I have a different sort of social circle and honestly college has been extremely tumultuous because I've had to un-do a hell of a lot of negative things ingrained in me since birth just about. But through it all, I've accomplished much. So if they can't accept me as who I am, then that is their problem. I wear comfortable clothes, just no point getting all dressed up, especially when I work with kids all day (jeans/khaki's and a t-shirt and I'm good to go), no make up because I don't need it and takes too long to apply, and I have a sarcastic sense of humor that most find very funny, but I'm not comfortable enough around them to bring that out. Though I have a bit this time around.  Because, I am growing more comfortable in my own skin.

And...(loving all these ands, this is good), I've stood up to their parenting a bit...with regards to my brother...just trying desperately to make enough of an impact to shield them a little bit. First, with the yelling- I am just not down with that at all. There are better, healthier ways to get your point across, but she knows no other way. So one time I mentioned to her that maybe if she stopped yelling he'd respond better...don't recall if she responded or if I got a response. But at least it was said. And I've spent time with them. One of my bro's has a test tomorrow, so of course he wanted me to study with him. We did so for about an hour. Dinner time came, and I told them he was done and did great- my mom actually laughed and said there was no way he knew all that information already (boy that will help your self esteem eh?). So I looked at him and said 'ready?' He smoked 'em...got all the questions right verbally. Shocked my family. In my head, I was just like...don't you understand the difference. But I know they will never get it...so I can just do my best from my end, giving them so good studying skills and the like.

So that's the end of the parent saga for the weekend. I don't think too much harm done! And I get to go home (to college town) tomorrow for lots of meetings and such. So, wahoo for that.

You know, there is so much more I want to say, I've been writing on so many scraps of paper...I will try to gather them tonight, so they won't make it to this rant tonight. Just been thinking about my life and all the different facets of it.

How I got to be the way I am...I think about the past and I wonder how in the world did I end up the person that I did?! How have I turned out to be the opposite, to be the one to seek help, to be the one to change, to be the one whose not afraid to be herself, to be the one to break the cycle of abuse. Why me? How did that happen? Where did my strength come from...where did the courage come from to stay on this Earth all these years? Sometimes it seems like a mystery to me. Where I got the fight in me everyday to go on. I just did it. I guess I always hope that it would be better. I know I survived my childhood, probably on the mere fact that I thought it was normal, AND I had a high intelligence, so I did well in school AND I was good at my mask and so I charmed many a people into liking me and having a large group of friends. And repressing and denial were key defense mechanisms. In adolescence...phew, really don't know how I survived that but by the grace of God and a special guidance counselor. Again, denial and repressing and staying in a depression, keeping to myself and just living day by day...living with violent thoughts in my head, yet portraying this successful student, both in and outside of school and this perfect child of my parents. So...living in that delusion I guess got me through, until I did wake up and stopped being able to take it...whether it was because that seems to be my first manic and serious depressive episodes and the heavy burden of that mask.  But yeah...how did I get to me???

What clicked in my head while at the hospital this time? The first thing that came to mind is what I said to the counselors from about day four on- I can't list the external things to live for- I know those...but I need to find a reason to live for MYSELF...because if I relied on external things forever...if those crumbled around me, then I'd be back to being suicidal, which is essential part of the reason for the last crash. I just needed a reason for me. I said that the first week- but it didn't take hold, my mind dismissed it and I pretended things were going to go okay, but we know how that turned out. So week two and a half or so...it was me- time for me (about damn time for me). And so piece by piece, the more I thought, the more I wrote, the more I talked...I began putting the puzzle together- in a way that was right, that was fitting for me. This puzzle is turning out to be interesting, but I like it.

I don't really know HOW things clicked, just what is starting to click. I'm sure the how is important, but I just haven't figured it out yet- I just think it's a whole combination of things....but I'm just damn happy they did click.

Though I have major doubts...sometimes I just wonder if this is for real, you know? Did this happen, is this for real, it's not going to go away, is it? But the doubts are a whisper and my stronger voice is winning so far, saying I "got it," and it's not going away. Much work needs to be done, but it's possible. 

Some of my biggest trouble right now is fighting off the bad thoughts. I still have trouble with that...I was so used to those troubling thoughts, to letting them enter my mind and take hold. And to hit them back with a stick, has been rough. Easier when I stay on meds though lol. It just gets a little uncomfortable and I worry. Can't help it, old habits really do die hard. But...hehe...they are dying. Go me lol.

Ah, well damn, I had some other cool-ass (my new favorite word) comments to make, but I think tiredness and exhaustion are taking over...plus they are on scraps of paper that I can't find.  I just know...that I "get it," thought I'm not completely sure what that means...it's something good, because I feel it clicking in my head and the puzzle finally getting done. Well, fuck it...I think the good thoughts are gone...besides this was plenty tonight.

Night.

5-1
Okay, sleeping pill has already kicked in. So just a brief rant. I'm beginning to understand the situation a little better with that one family I think. Guess I'm not the only one who needed to gain back control over myself. Since I did not hear anything, I had two choices: Drive myself crazy or begin the grieving process. I began the latter because what good would driving myself crazy do.

And so I did it. I DID IT- I grieved...like holy shit...I did it. Who would have thought? Yeah, you bring up his name, or I see his picture and I get sad...but it doesn't throw me into a pit of despair like it used to. I just get sad. And that is exactly what is supposed to happen.

So it appears relations may improve now, over time with his family. So basically, what I've done for myself is this: become comfortable knowing and not knowing this young kiddo. I grieved his loss, so that I may be okay with that and at the same time, I've learned how to have a relationship with him that will be different.

Do I hope that relations improve and I can work with him again? Yes. But do I spend all my time hoping and wishing I could see him or work with him again, no...only because that would drive me insane. It would be unhealthy.

Oh shoot, little brother woke up crying, must go lay down with him. Will finish this rant tomorrow. Night.

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