January Rants- 2004

1-27
Going to take a break from this Rants section. Will return to posting stuff on Feb. 2nd. Thanks, take care all.

1-27
Oh wow, do I have some rants. I’m not even sure I know where to begin. Tonight I dedicated to understanding myself recently. So I brought back out “Cutting” by Steven Levenkron. I looked over my highlighted parts and added new parts as well. Things had changed since I had originally read that book, three years ago when I first had inklings about what was going on with me.

Recently, I think I suffered setbacks in my treatment. I retreated and wouldn’t let anyone in. I shut down, I guess in essence. “Cutting” talks a lot about trust…and the book was written for mainly those trying to help cutters, though at the same time to try and help cutters understand their behavior and how to get help and heal etc. My trust is very shaky with all people. Besides, I can count the number of people I trust on one hand.

And I am always testing such trust…I’m always weary that it will be broken, I’m always on guard to make sure I won’t be blind-sided. I can’t afford to allow myself to trust and to have that be broken any longer. The past took care of that. I lost trust in my parents, in my family, in those that showed me any kind of positive attention, in guys, in friends. I can give you several stories to accompany any one of those broken lines.

And it’s those stories that bring me pain…to remember…to know what was done. To know that in almost each instance I can’t get what I ultimately want- for THEM to know what they did was wrong. I know I need to stop blaming myself for many of the things that happened… but it’s so damn hard when you’ll never get the opportunity to confront the people…or get them to see what they did was wrong.

So instead, I get left here fighting my younger self, trying desperately to get her to understand it wasn’t her fault! Fighting between the two creates so much unrest, so much pain in me that I don’t know what to do with it. So, I go back, I take on old defenses- it’s what I know best. Home to me equals pain, insecurity and loneliness. That’s a sad thing to know, to experience. I know pain well, so well that it became a comfort to me. That too makes me sad.

And angry- so very angry. I know there is this rage in me. It’s deep and it’s powerful. I’ve felt it for a great many years and I became afraid of it…to the point that I took it out on myself when I couldn’t take it anymore. So what do I do when I begin to feel that rage again…I turn back to cutting. For some damned reason, I cannot break that wall down, that connection. It’s so freakin’ strong that I keep it up, I keep it alive. I also learn to isolate.

When I hit sexual abuse again in therapy, so much came rushing up and I shut down. And so I hid from the one person I trusted most. I think I even wondered if I’d piss her off by becoming one of those non-compliant patients again…I’m better at arguing and avoiding issues, than I am at talking about them…I’m in a constant battle of wanting to fully trust so much, with the fact that I don’t want to trust because I’m too afraid too. I can’t fully let go and am in constant conflict. So my therapy goes up and down, depending on if I’m pushing her away or not.

Same thing happens with those around me. I close myself more away from my favorite prof, seeing her less so she can’t tell if anything is wrong and the same is true from one of my friends- I don’t talk to her or see her as often; afraid she would see something wrong as well. And I bury myself in work and school work.

And to top it all of I cut, and it’s only getting worse. Lucky for me, there are lines I’ve drawn that I don’t cross. I haven’t over-dosed, which usually accompanied a relapse and new self injuries, and is in itself a form of self injury. I don’t cut for days on end, normally once does the job…and then I’m good for months on end. But this time I feel the pull again and am worried. Cutting once manifested itself in me so much that I would pick up a blade because I was bored!!! And in just the anticipation of not so good events. Anything could make me cut I guess you’d say. That was when I was 17. Then I was “recovered” for a while, but revisited those times again when I was 18.

Right now, I’m taking the mental assaults in my head as well as I can, but it frightens me. I want to rely on my old methods so badly. And that’s what I did instead of relying on what I’d learned, the new trusting relationship I’d developed. I knew the alternatives, I even knew that I could get another therapy session to talk about it, or talk to the limited three other people I trust…but instead I chose the past, the quick fix, what worked before. It was easier…easier than putting words to it all, easier than actually leaning on another person for support- I just don’t know how to do it.

I just don’t know what to do right now. I feel very lost…very lost as to what to do with my life right now, what direction to take, how to resolve things…how to just feel better. And I’m tired of my memories just sitting there, as they torment me and I won’t them gone. Only I know there is no cure, no amnesia for me- I have to remember for the rest of my life. Somehow that is very unsettling to me. And very painful knowledge.

And I live everyday with the effects all this has had on me. Right now I’m trying to do two very big things. One the one side I am trying to complete my four year degree and prepare for graduate school and I have a very intense job, which I love and will be my life’s work. One the other side, I’m trying to keep myself mentally stable, and resolve all the shit that is stopping me from smiling a real smile, from trusting, from having real relationships.

And so many times on the one hand, I wish I just had one or the other to concentrate on. It’s so hard to do both and so draining everyday. But I need each one just as much as the other. And I try to keep each one from taking me over- not letting school/work rule me and then trying not to let my mental health over-shadow my life. That balancing act is one I have not mastered and at any given time one or the other is prevailing. And sometimes I just want to give up the other- either devote all my time to school/work and forget my mental health or leave school for a while and just concentrate on being healthy. But I know the consequences of both and I can’t live with that- thus I remain caught struggling on this tight rope.

So many balancing acts, so much of the time. Makes for quite a ride. I think I’m on a roller-coaster, but I don’t have those safety straps- so when a curve appears, or a loop/corkscrew comes up- I end up hanging on for dear life. And so I do my best to keep it straight. But lord knows- life is full of those turns and loops. So I need to learn to get that damned safety strap. Any idea’s?

I just need to learn to not run, not go for the quick fix, and not push people away trying to help me. I think that’s a lot to learn! And I need to figure out what in the hell to do in therapy. Where do I go from here? What is this new wall that’s presented itself? What are my defenses that are keeping me from moving forward? And how do I actually reach out??

I realize now, that I still do not reach out for help…especially when it’s needed. Back when I was not sleeping so well, logic tells you that you should call your doc and let him know. Me? I just figured I’d wait for our next appt. (two weeks away- two weeks of little to no sleep). And he just says, you know next time, call me. To me that is a foreign concept. I know of patients calling their doctor when all is not well, but I don’t know how to do that between visits. I just wait, rather than calling. Not smart.

Same in therapy- to actually make another appt when I’m hurting so bad that I want to hurt myself, I pick the hurting myself- because I don’t…I don’t really know why? Because I’m afraid the session won’t help? I’m afraid that I might actually talk? Afraid to be seen as needy or seen as less because I’m hurting? Afraid to let down my mask? Afraid of what?! What the fuck!

And so what do I do now? I’m in the mode of wanting the quick fix when ever the painful feelings arise…I don’t know what to do with the memories, I don’t know what to do with all the new knowledge I have accumulated in the last year. It’s like my eyes have been opened up so much, but I cannot comprehend it all- I just see it all right there in front of me, but leave it undigested. And I don’t know how to digest it. And I keep everything at an intellectual level…I can’t “feel” the feelings. I don’t know how to get at that level and I want to!!!! I want to so much, but I just don’t understand how!!!

Alright. So that is where I am. These are my rants, however painful they were to write- this is me, open, truthful and honest for the first time in weeks. Time for sleep, I hope. Night.

1-24
It's a War In There
Dar Williams

Well, you have been kind and I know it seems hopeless
You smooth the ground, tear the knots all apart
You're helping me move from the inside to the outside
You're trying so hard and I can't even start

It's a war in there
It's a war in there

And you peacemakers go to the same place as soldiers
If you wanna make peace, well, you gotta find the pain
You bring your words, but you're just like them, you're unprepared
'Cause you don't know the terrain

It's a war in there
It's a war in there

And don't you know I'll never give you a medal
Laid back on state-side, in the central time zone
The one that they pinned to the outside, to the outside
And it leads you all the way home

It's a war in there
It's a war in there

You can hold me now
You can hold me now.

1-23
She Fights

A tear falls down,
Hands hold the face,
Blood streaks down-
Pain has been found.

She shouts out in pain,
Cuts a little deeper,
Heart beats rapidly-
She questions if she's sane.

To isolation she disappears,
She fights for her life,
She fights for the truth,
She fights to know whose reflected in the mirror.

They hold her back,
She scratches her way forward,
Fumbling through the dark,
Using the courage she no longer lacks.

Forcing a glimpse of light,
She breaks out from her walls.
Running from the shadows,
Freedom is finally in sight.

So much blood lost to find this light,
So much life left behind,
But here she stands staking her place-
Knowing she'll never stop this fight.

1-22/1-23
Alright, another day down the tube. This one wasn't too bad. And it's about midnight and I feel tired- hurray!!! It's curious because I took a brief nap earlier. I was never fully asleep, but it just felt nice to lay down and close my eyes- hadn't down that in so long. Though, while I'm happy I'm tired and ready for sleep...kinda not good for reasons I'd rather not say, but let's just say a particular behavior was reinforced today...because tonight I feel tired, ready to sleep and feel relaxed. Then again it could have been the fact that I had a more relaxed day today than normal.

One good even that occurred was that I met with the facilitators of a support group on campus for interpersonal issues etc. I liked the facilitators and hopefully this group will help. I learned in my last hospitalization (day treatment) that group therapy is alright...I used to just kinda be the sarcastic one and hid my issues and concentrated on others...but day treatment taught me how to use group therapy effectively, so I'm looking forward to it.

I also went grocery shopping today. Got some good food, including some veggies which I know I don't get enough of. I know my parents pay for me to eat on campus- but honestly, at the cafeteria we don't know where the food came from and it tastes awful and going to the the other place on campus that has pizza, sandwiches and salad gets boring day after day...so I want to make my own freakin' food that actually tastes good and is good for me. So today I pretty much stopped feeling guilty that my parents are paying for food that I don't eat. I do, though, go to the sandwich place and just get a bunch soda's and water to stock up on, because I have a lot of flex dollars since I never use enough of it! So I am using it to some extent I guess.

Don't know what to talk about tonight. No...I take that back. I brought back out "The Courage to Heal." I began reading again...this time slowly. In the beginning chapter I saw me- "if you breeze through these chapters, you probably aren't feeling safe enough to confront these issues. Or you may be coping with the book the same way you coped with the abuse- by separating your intellect from your feelings." And that is exactly what I did. I read the book cover to cover in a week or less. I had to get through it fast before my feelings would catch up to me. I liked what the book said later, "It's important that you don't "bear" this book the way you bore the abuse: numb and alone." That is exactly what I tried to do. Obviously it did not work.

So now I've decided to take the book chapter by chapter...and write...do the writing exercises and FEEL. I have feelings...but I'm so damn good at forgetting them...or more likely, separating myself- the intellectual me and the feeling me. I can "feel" everything intellectually, meaning, I know what the feeling is SUPPOSED to feel like...but I don't actually feel it. I still feel devoid of feeling and I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to get the feeling inside me, if that makes sense? So perhaps it's time...to feel the feelings.

This outta be interesting considering I don't do so well when I let the onslaught of feelings through, let the dam break. I'm left on uncertain ground, wavering, weak...and I get a tidal wave of memories I just want to forget. I guess maybe that's what the last few weeks have been about. Me, wanting to just forget...I still remember actively telling myself to forget, to just pretend it never happened. Do you know what it's like telling yourself to deny what happened, to just forget, to go on as if nothing happened...to...to actually let it leave your mind, yet have it impact so much of your life? And then, you get to bring it up again- you get to remember again and let it invade every facet of your life, just as it did while you were a child. What fun. Not. I hate, I hate it so much. It makes me angry, and sad, and all the feelings in between. But- it appears that you can't run from it. You can't keep avoiding it, you can't let it sit there. Once you bring it back out again...the healing process has begun. The only way to get past it is to go through it. I'm going to have to feel the pain...feel so much...and not turn away. I only hope I am able to do that.

Okay, sleep is setting in. Have a good night everyone.

1-22
Another day. Yup, I made it through another one…somehow. I’m exhausted- and I finally found the word that describes me right now to a point- fatigued! Was at the health center getting some advil samples when I saw a pamphlet on Fatigue and thought, hey that’s me. It’s 2:20am right now and I’m wide awake. I don’t understand it. It’s been almost two weeks with very little sleep (and the little sleep I get is forced), but here I am, just finishing up some work and can now sleep, but have to take a sleeping pill to do it. I should be utterly exhausted and be able to fall asleep immediately. But I can’t…and I don’t understand why. What is up with my brain? Why is it against sleeping?

It’s really bugging me. I’m getting tired of everyone saying I look like hell and to get more sleep. Trust me, I would if I could. And oh the stress- under so much…just need to breathe. I’m just looking at my mountain of paperwork and sighing. There are not enough hours in the day at all. I guess I’m looking forward to the weekend. I can sleep in Saturday until about ten and then I get to take out one of the kids I work with for some fun times. His mom is delivering the new baby this weekend, so he’ll be watched by his grandparents and I know he won’t be able to get some good attention (he already has three other siblings). So I figured it’d be good to get him out and about and we can work on some generalization and have some fun. Then Sunday, I have nothing planned, but need to spend some serious time on both research projects I’ve got going on and training new therapists. And then I get to start the count-down of the week…until I get to my kickass weekend. Can’t come soon enough- I need an escape.

Has my mood gotten better? Not sure yet, still feel pretty crappy day to day. And I’ve slipped- where I used to be okay alone, I’m not anymore. Like it matters anyway- my days are filled up as it is. I haven’t been able to get some good, deep thoughts going either. I’ve got a nice mental block right now. Am I protecting myself? I don’t know…but I need to get past it. I need to talk, I need to get things out. But yeah, I’ve got nothin’. And my feelings of self harm have not died down either, but luckily I’m still good to go. But it’s been a while since I’ve had this bad an onslaught. Kinda bothersome…and I’m actively trying my best to be safe…but just part of me is wavering, and I’m just praying I don’t get caught in a weak moment. That’s what I worry about…those small windows of weak moments. Those are the times that scare me and when I am the most dangerous.

So I guess it’s good that I’m very busy- less time for those weak moments. But then again, less time for down time as well. What a choice I guess, or trade-off. I’m doing my best to stay alright…meaning not totally slipping into the descent into hell, otherwise known as depression. It’s like there is this line…and I try very hard to stay right there in the middle, but often I fall just above for a period of time…or just below. Now I know it’s human to have fluctuations and whatnot, but for me, in my head, those flux’s can be dangerous. I just have such nightmare memories of my last depression and I know I can’t return there or I can kiss my future good-bye. So, I’m doing my best to ride this out, hoping that it’s at its worst and not going to go further, and I’m trying to not let it go further.

It’s just so damn hard, so damn hard sometimes. So many times I just want to say fuck it and slip. But that IS what I did last time…I distinctly remember that. I said forget it, decided to stop caring, decided to stop fighting, that the fight wasn’t worth it…and we all know the result of that- my nice near-death shit. So that is what I’m trying to prevent- I’m trying to prevent myself from saying forget it or giving up, or not fighting. As long as some part of me is fighting, I should be alright.

But oh so much havoc is wreaked during these times. It really does test your mind, your will, your drive, your soul. I remember once I wrote in my rants about how it seemed like God was testing me, and I kept passing (by living), but then he’d throw another test right back at me. And I just don’t understand why I have to keep re-taking a passed test. It just seems so true- I keep going through this, and make it out alive…only to go through it again. It really throws you for a loop. But maybe I made it out of the last time, to help me through these future times- to know exactly what NOT to do, to know where that line is between being alright and in trouble. Who knows? Wish I did.

So for now I get up each day and make it through. I may do it with little sleep, a big ass headache, my back acting up, too much work and a hundred worries, while keeping my self destructive thoughts at bay…but I do it. And then I take my meds and turn in and do it all again the next day. And then just hope, that one of these days I’m going to wake-up and it’s going to feel different than the previous days. My hope reserve begins to kick in and get me well again and on the right path. Until then, sheer will keeps me going day in and day out.

And so medication is finally kicking in. Bout damn time. I’m ready to see how much sleep I get and count the number of comments I get tomorrow. At least I can find humor in the little things. Hope everyone else is doing better than I am. Will check in later, and hopefully still be alright. Night.

Dangerous Affair

I'm tired of these unwanted thoughts,
I'm tired of these painful nights.
I close my eyes,
Hoping that when I wake
There’s the peace I’ve sought.

The never ending nightmare
Keeps me from a life,
A life worth living.
Inside I use the twilight,
To entertain my thoughts of despair.

I search the confines of my mind,
Hoping for an answer,
Hoping for a reason why,
But I just find more questions
That inevitably leave me more blind.

So now I take this pain,
And let it slip further-
Away from my destructive mouth,
Down to the heart, down to the soul
And this happiness I again begin to feign.

Though my heart will tear,
Many a tear will want to fall,
Somehow I stand myself up
And put a smile on throughout the days:
The beginnings of a dangerous affair.

Now remains hidden, all my tears,
So that I may rise each morning
Living inside my façade,
Living inside this broken dream-
Haunted by all my fears.

This affair of life and death
Leaves me alone and afraid,
Each step leads me toward despair and hope,
Toward the light and the dark,
To the decision of one last breath.

This affair will be the death of me,
Whether my death be slow or fast;
Painful or painless; with crystal tears or crimson.
But all for what?
Because I couldn’t stand to be me.

My Depression

My long forgotten sleep,
My nightmares return-
Time for concern.

Appetite lost in everything;
Fun a forgotten notion-
Numbing all these emotions.

Pain weighing me down;
Darkness now looms-
Returning to my living tomb.

My heart does not lie,
There is no question:
I’m back with my depression.

1-20
"When faced with fear and defeat, I choose to be a soldier, not a victim"

"It's tough and it's tiring when you go it alone
I learned about wiring, I learned about stone
The building is done but the work's never through
And I won't give up, no how, it reminds me of who I am and where I am now
I remember myself, that's the work that I do"

"And this is where I let my pain go
This is where I let my pain go
This is where the footprints dance in the snow"
- Dar Williams, This Is Not The House That Pain Built

1-19
Well, it’s been another ridiculously long day…and of course I was grumpy. I finally slept…using 50mg of Seroquel. So not too bad there…but I have a lot of sleep to make up for. I saw both my counselor and psychiatrist.

Counseling sucked…badly- maybe one of my worst sessions ever. I felt like a complete idiot. And that sucks. I’m just trying to find direction…and I just can’t seem to find one. I guess ever since a certain subject was brought up and shut down…I’ve been shut down.

So things aren’t going so well. Yeah sure my mind is pretty stable; thanks to quite a few medications- but beyond that…I’m pretty screwed. I have the same warning signs that I always do: feelings of being lost, an increase in violent visions, quiet, not sleeping well and crap therapy sessions. What does this all lead to? Self injury and suicidal thoughts. Where am I? Suicide thoughts inching closer, and one step away from using SI to release long pent up feelings. Maybe it’s time to put my fist through the window or mirror…bring back my old faithful friend and fight my battle on my skin.

I JUST WANT TO BE FIXED! Why in the fucking world can’t I just be fixed. It’s been so fucking long now and where am I? Still screwed. I think about my shit all of the time- Lord knows I’ve changed- but like most things- it’s not enough- there’s still so much shit.

I’m in pain from the memories that trap me and angry at the people who put my life in this direction. And every ounce of my heart and soul does its damnest to keep from being vulnerable. Why? Because every time my defenses go down people have trampled on my vulnerability. So when I decided that I wasn’t taking any more shit- that was it- I became steel. And I do remember each instance in which I steeled myself away. I drew a line and stand steadfast on my side keeping everything else on the other side.  

But apparently having some steel defenses is not such a good idea. So- live and learn to be vulnerable…or give it up, stay steeled and slowly die. I’m just so fucking tired of shit…shit being working my way through the past and fixing my present so that I have a future…well some days I just don’t want a future.

It so often feels like I’m split. When I’m around the kids I work with, around people I like I’m fine, but then outside of that…I just don’t want to live life…or to get through I have to harm myself. It’s bull shit and I’m tired of it.

So here is my angry rant. I’ve got my bad mood music playing (and Dar Williams to counter-act it) and swirling thoughts that are making me really do something that I haven’t done in a while. And you know what, I don’t even care. I want to be mean to myself, get out all of this pent up anger and hostility and then go on. Something’s gotta give.

I just don’t see an end to all of this- and I don’t know how to knock me back into the light, I don’t know who can knock me back there or who can help me. This fight is so freakin long and hard and I get side-tracked and I get lost and I forget how to help myself. Is there a road map? Is there a guide? I need a direction…I’m losing it again, but I don’t want to because I know there is so much to live for…but it’s beginning to not be enough again. Please, God, I need help.

Ah whatever- I leave you with three songs- and in the spirit of me being split:

This first one is how I feel about the kids I work with…what keeps me grounded and here most of the time:

The One Who Knows
Dar Williams

Time it was I had a dream, and you're the dream come true. If I had the world to give, I'd give it all to you.
I'll take you to the mountains, I will take you to the sea. I'll show you how this life became a miracle to me.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes,
When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

All the things you treasure most will be the hardest won.
I will watch you struggle long before the answers come.
But I won't make it harder, I'll be there to cheer you on,
I'll shine the light that guides you down the road you're walking on.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes,
When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

Before the mountains call to you, before you leave this home,
I want to teach your heart to trust, as I will teach my own,
But sometimes I will ask the moon where it shined upon you last,
And shake my head and laugh and say it all went by too fast.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes,
When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

And the song that fills my head when things are falling apart:

"Breaking The Habit"
By: Linkin Park

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
(Unless i try to start again)
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside i realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why i have to scream
I don't know why i instigate
And say what i don't mean
I don't know how i got this way
I know it's not alright
So i'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside i realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why i have to scream
I don't know why i instigate
And say what i don't mean
I don't know how i got this way
I'll never be alright
So i'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
I'll paint it on the walls
Cause i'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why i have to scream
But now i have some clarity
To show you what i mean
I don't know how i got this way
I'll never be alright
So i'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

And the song I’m feeling now:

"Whisper"
By Evanescence

servatis a pereculum.
Servatis a maleficum

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drive me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

[CHORUS:]
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

[Chorus]

Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet my end

[Chorus x3]

o1-19
Um…so it was another few nights of not much sleep. I upped my 25mg of Seroquel to 75mg…and STILL I woke up around 3am or so and continued to wake up. Now bare in mind two things: 25mg always put me asleep and kept me asleep. If I took more than that, I would act stoned the rest of the day. I’d never taken 75…and then not only do I not wake up stoned but I wake up in like four hours!!!

I don’t get it…why won’t I stay asleep. So I’m grumpy now I guess. I’m exhausted. I worked really hard all weekend with my boss’s and training new therapists. So I helped with training and then I had to “fix” a grant that last semesters interns wrote and hook up a wireless network fro them. And I had to school hw as well which isn’t all done, but I have a few days to complete it. But just a lot to do, and since I already feel pretty crappy…well everything just feels worse then.

I even almost just cancelled my therapy session for tomorrow. I’m grumpy and I’ll probably just end up trying to pick a fight because I don’t know what I want to talk about. I mean, sure there are probably a hundred different things. But I just feel so unfocused right now. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep? Who knows. I’ve done a real good job of eating though. Still working on the exercise portion, but at least I’m out and about etc.

So yeah, I’m sleep deprived, very bad headache and who knows what else. I just…ugh, I can’t even complete that thought. I guess I wish God could have made a day have thirty hours instead of twenty four!!!

Anyway, I’m out of words, it’s mid- night, I want to fall asleep, pills kicking in. So it’s time to pray that I sleep the whole night through, otherwise watch- out, I may come out swinging lol. Below are two songs that will let you know how I’m feeling more than anything I think. Both are by Sarah McLachlan:

Black and White

unravel me
a distant cord
on the outside is forgotten
a constant need

to get along
and the animal awakens
and all I feel is black and white

the road is long
the memory slides
to the whole of my undoing
put aside
I put away
I push it back to get through each day
and all I feel is black and white
and I'm wound up small and tight
and I don't know who I am

everybody loves you when you're easy
everybody hates when you're a bore
everyone is waiting for your entrance so
don't disappoint them

unravel me
untie this chord
the very centre of our union
is caving in
I can't endure
I am the archive of our failure

and all I feel is black and white
and I'm wound up small and tight
and I don't know who I am

everybody loves you when you're easy
everybody hates when you're a bore
everyone is waiting for your entrance so
don't disappoint them

everybody loves you when you're easy so

don't disappoint them

don't disappoint them ...

Angel

Spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there's always one reason

to feel not good enough

and it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

oh beautiful release

memory seeps from my veins

let me be empty

and weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel

fly away from here

from this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverie

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there's vultures and thieves at your back

and the storm keeps on twisting

you keep on building the lie

that you make up for all that you lack

it don't make no difference

escaping one last time

it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel

fly away from here

from this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverie

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort there

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort here

1-15
My thoughts for the evening:

This Is Not The House That Pain Built
Dar Williams

My house is hard to find, but I'll give you directions,
You can visit sometime, down where all that I built surrounds me
Just make sure your car's got good shocks
There's steep hills, there's potholes, there's rocks
I work in the garden, my son plays around me
Close the gate behind you, there's a horse that can't get out
I will see you first, is that all right
And can you remember, can you remember

This is not the house that pain built
This is not the house that pain built
I was drowning in something, I jumped in the rift
And you knew me back then, when I spat on my gift, but no

It's tough and it's tiring when you go it alone
I learned about wiring, I learned about stone
The building is done but the work's never through
And I won't give up, no how, it reminds me of who I am and where I am now
I remember myself, that's the work that I do
On a spring night when the snow is melting
You'll see two sets of footprints walking
Look at all the stars, and turn around, and walk home,
Slowly walk home.

This is not the house that pain built
That is not a house that pain ubilt
My friends all think that I holed up and hid
But I tell them I didn't, you know I don't think I did, no.

And this is where I let my pain go
This is where I let my pain go
This is where the footprints dance in the snow

"Fallen"
Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]

Have a headache...woke up on the wrong side of the bed I guess. Not been sleeping through the night- AND I'm on a sleeping pill that used to knock me on my ass. Don't know what's up there. I'm not taking caffeine in the afternoon anymore. Maybe stress? Gotta train new therapists this weekend and I'm in charge of coordinating a lot of it...so I've been running around a lot this week. Classes also resumed this week and I've been try to nail down a schedule and been back on regular meds again.

I've been quiet most the week...just don't know why. Just don't feel like interacting too much, though surprisingly when the need arises I do just fine and can act fine. But I hit my dorm room and I just want to shut down and shut myself away. Which is why these rants shall be short. Just...not in the mood. Night.

"I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time.
~Charlie Brown"

1-13
I have been in a foul mood for most of the day and I still am not sure why. I did wake up late, missed my class. At least it’s the first day- you don’t’ do anything but get a syllabus. But still. Missed swimming again today. Managed to get two meals in though.

If anything, I just feel exhausted. I wonder if it’s because I’ve finally left home so now I get to breathe? I was thinking that maybe that was the cause- my body doesn’t have to be on high alert anymore because I’m back at college and with familiar people and surroundings. So now I need a few days to rest. Also, I’ve started back on my meds regularly. At home, it often slipped my mind (they were out of sight----out of sight, out of mind). So that upsets my stomach a bit, and perhaps has played into my general over all feeling.

And of course I had therapy today- a crappy day. I’m no good on these days. I’m pretty sure I act like a butt-head on these days. I just get so uptight with everything. It’s when I just get pissed at the general way I have to live my life. That’s when I get sad and maybe a little angry that I have to see so many scars on my arms, that it takes a pill at night to make me sleep, and two sets of pills to keep my mood stable and one more set to keep me focused during the day. And then therapy so I can work through my infinite number of issues it seems. It just seems like sometimes everyone else lives so easily, like it’s not a daily fight to want to stay alive. Because that is what it is sometimes. If I don’t do certain things, I go down hill and back into bad territory, so I have to constantly fight to keep my head above water. And there always seems like there is shit I need to do. I guess some weeks I wish I could wave a magic wand and be a “typical” person.

My counselor told me today to “enjoy the moment.” I thought about that and have thought about that in the past. I honestly don’t know how to live and enjoy the moment. I am forever worried about what comes next. I have…or had to in the past because that’s what kept me alive, that’s what kept me sane. And so now…now that the time has come that I can actually live and enjoy the moment, I don’t know how to do it. Which I guess is sad…but I don’t know of any other way to live my life.

I was raised in much chaos, lies and instability, even if it appeared on the outside life was stable, it wasn’t- I lived a lot in fear and when you live in fear, you constantly worry about what comes next…it’s your only lifeline. It was my only lifeline. And many times I looked a year ahead or years. When I was thirteen, I thought that I just needed to turn fourteen, get out of middle school and things will be better. They were for a while…I learned how to pretend and I was too busy trying to catch up academically and be a perfect daughter. Then life and secrets hit me and suddenly I didn’t want to live anymore. Well I got some intervention and so suddenly I was just wanting to hurry up and graduate, get through the summer and get to college- a college life would be a new start. Well when the freshman year began to get bad, suddenly I wanted it to end and summer to pass so I could get another chance the following year. And the same thing happened the following year.

And so here I am. For the first time in my life, I want to slow things down- I don’t want this semester to pass quickly to summer- I want it to last. And I want the summer to last and so on. I want to stop my fast-forwarding because I know there has got to be things I’m missing…or maybe there’s not, I don’t know. But she was right- I do need to figure out how to just enjoy the moment and not worry about what comes next. But I think fear…of the uncertain is what keeps me from doing that.

I’m also striving to find stability and security in my own life because it’s something I lacked for so long. I am a very rigid person, as I’ve been told probably a hundred times now. But I grew rigid because of what happened. I grew rigid on what I looked for in a guy, because of past abuse to my body- I wasn’t going to let that happen again. I drew a line and stand stead fast. I have standards when it comes to friends or people I interact with- I generally can tell who is trustworthy and who is not…and it takes a long time to earn my trust. So because of that, my life has become very secluded.

But in this seclusion, I think I will find myself. I am slowly surrounding myself with what I want, what I like, what I love. I did two important things this semester: I reduced my case load of children down to three doing direct therapy and supervising an additional five. Second, I reduced my course load to three class (well really, two, one is research). Both have given me much more freedom over my schedule and more freedom period, to do what I want to do. I also made sure I never work past six thirty, and weekends are generally free unless I have a training, which is only once or twice a semester…or if I have a free weekend and want to work.

And it’s in this newfound free time that I will and want to find myself. Over- break and just before break, I realized how much freedom I have. I can just jump and my car and drive anywhere I want. That is my prerogative. Why is that cool for me? Just because I’ve never done it and in the past never been allowed to. So I have planned some road trips for me this semester. Where, I’m not sure yet, other than to visit a certain somebody that I care about in a state over. I just know I will feel just a sense of freedom to just plan a trip for myself and go. Go hiking by myself or just check out the beach (walking, not swimming during winter!!). Or look up cool stuff on the internet that I could do somewhere within I’d say a five hour drive. I just want the freedom to be me, do stuff I want to do and just know what it’s like to be at peace with myself. And maybe sometimes it’ll be fun to bring someone I care about along, but it’ll be what I want.

January is out, because I have already filled my weekends, and last weekend of Jan/beginning of Feb I have a fun tripped planned. Then I have to work for one of my families doing potty training the following weekend…but I’m hoping the weekend after that, I’ll go out and do something fun with myself. At least it’s a goal of mine, and I hope I accomplish that…and part of me thinks I will.

But I have to say, I know myself now, better than I ever have, or would have dreamed of in a million years. And I’ve done things I never thought I’d ever be able to do. I stand up to my mom on a daily basis. She says something I don’t like, then fuck it, I’m saying something. I spent so much of my life backing down and letting people, most especially her, walk all over me…and that has always eaten at me. I guess what stands out most in my mind, is how I never stood up to either of my parents when they’d bad mouth each other, or when I was taken advantaged of by two people or when I gave up standing up to my brother. When I didn’t stand up for myself, a little part of me died each time. But taking a few blinders off in therapy…just gave me so much more power. My general personality is to not take shit from people, and for some people I have never taken shit from…but I guess relatives are a different matter. And even though it may seem I stood up to my father when I stopped speaking to him- I didn’t… I just never responded…and through six years, that bothered me and ate at me. I think I used to say I hated him so much because I always had a little voice telling me that I needed closure…that I had to at least write him and tell him why I was not speaking to him. But I never did for six years, until he found the courage to talk to me…and I found the courage to talk to him back and begin a relationship.

So with my mom, whatever- I’m living my life and no one else’s…she can make a million comments, but that doesn’t mean I have to take them or head them. And that’s why I can only stay at home a max of two weeks. She knows this now. She knows I drew a line and I won’t cross it again. Which is why I get a few more guilt trips than normal. Like, I remember when she told me once that I never listen to her, so why bother talking. I thought in my head, exactly lol. But instead I just said, you can say whatever you want, but what it comes down to is my needing to experience it for myself. That’s how you learn- by experiencing things for yourself, whether you succeed or fail. But I’m her perfect daughter who can’t fail…but honestly, you can learn an awful lot from failing, as well as succeeding. Maybe that is the difference between her and I. I am not afraid to fail…and she is. That’s certainly an interesting take on it. Could that be it? Perhaps. She is a perfectionist with a capital P. Everything has to be perfect…and then when it’s not- she blows her top. But me…I take failings in stride and try to work through it…though sometimes not successfully and sometimes yeah, I blow my top at failings- though more so when I was more deeply connected to her. I mean, I’m not saying I want or like to fail- that’s different. I work my ass off day in and day out to not fail…because I am not a failure nor like to be perceived as one. When I do something, I give it my all…or why bother doing it, at least that’s what I think.

But I guess some part of me does fear some sort of failure or I guess more appropriately, the lack of certainty and security. Two things I hate: insecurity and uncertainty. With insecurity- If you talk to most people on campus, and in my job, everyone thinks I’m full of confidence in whatever I do, especially at my job and when it comes to psychology. Hell even my parents think of me as a confident or sometimes over confident person. And what’s funny to me, is that I’m the complete opposite on the inside- I feel insecure over everything…everything. Even when it comes to working with the children…I may not feel the insecurity while I’m in the therapy session, but I am worried that I’m doing the right thing etc. etc…but luckily their progress speaks for themselves and I have grown more and more confident on that front. But for so much, I can convey the confidence even when I have none at all.

As for certainty…I guess I don’t like to waste time…or something like that. When it comes to guys, I know what I’m looking for in a guy…I know this because of three past boyfriends in particular (I’ve had more, but those three left indelible marks). All three made me become a little more rigid and for whatever reason, I just don’t feel the need inside to date around. I pick the people I surround myself with carefully, very carefully. I can’t be casual…I don’t how to. It’s just not in me to waste my time with just anybody, or waste time with someone I don’t plan on knowing for a while. I don’t like people to come in and out of my life like a flick of the switch. I’ve had enough of people coming and going; now I’m only interested in those that want to stay. That is what it comes down to…that is what I was thinking of earlier but couldn’t get out.

In my head, my reasoning, why mess around with people who won’t be there, people leaving…when you can focus energy on those willing to stay. And this isn’t just for guys, but friends too, or anybody. I guess that’s part of my problems with friends- all my entire life I’m used to them leaving, either because I’ve moved around so much or because things can get intense with me and it’s no fun watching a friend suffer like I did or hanging around watching someone self destruct. I thought I was leaving behind the friends that would leave back in high school or that I could have more friends in college and start over…but alas that proved to be horribly wrong. I, at one time, had many friends at college…until my self destruction and undoing came into play, and I trusted one person too much, which I guess still bothers me, and just…have had a lot of leaving in my case. And I will admit I’m not an easy person to get to know, to really get to know, but as open as I am to the idea of friends…I don’t know how to make them anymore. Maybe because I’m too insecure these days…or maybe I just haven’t found the right people…or given myself a chance to as much time as I spend off campus.

But then again, my life is off campus. Generally the things I want to talk and bullshit about is not what the “typical” college student wants to sit and bullshit about. I have mainly four things on my mind a lot of the time: the kids I work with, my little brothers, sports and psychology. What is cool, is I do know of at least one person my age right now who I can sit and bull shit with. And yeah, it does feel nice, as I care about him a lot. And then there are several other people who I can sit and bullshit with and have fun, but of course, they are all older than me. Which doesn’t’ seem to bother me, but bothers other people. But I figure, fuck it- it’s their problem not mine.

I am seemingly happy for the first time in a long while. I’m not happy happy, if that makes sense, but I’m not waking up everyday praying to die. I’m not driving down the road seeing trees and marking the good ones to hit. The razor…eh, the thought crossed my mind today because I was really worked up today- but I worked through it- first I checked my emails and answered a few, then I put on American Wedding and just enjoyed myself and lost myself fin the movie. When it ended, I no longer wanted to cut…still feel like it, I’ll admit, but I’m back in control and know that I won’t do it. And then I sat down and started writing…everything is flowing more clearly than earlier (of course lol).

But back to being okay. I’m okay right now. And am I enjoying it? Not yet, but I plan on it! I’m learning. As sad as it sounds…I have to learn how to enjoy a moment…enjoy being okay, enjoy being out of crisis mode twenty four/seven. And hell, I may even have fun. That’d be nice for once…it’s been a while since I just had all out fun. That’ll be nice.

So anything else gnawing at my brain? After three pages I don’t know how! But this all has been a long time coming. Organizing…still the weakest point of my life it seems. I tried valiantly to organize really well this semester, but of course it’s coming out at the seams again. First, I only got one day to get set in my dorm room before classes started again. Def. not enough time, so I’m still trying to get stuff together, yet I’m working and going to class everyday and exhausted when I get back and just want to jump in bed. Once my alarm didn’t ring and once I overslept…it’s only been two days ;-) So I still need to work on getting up and going to bed at around the same time. And exploring swimming in the mornings or something. Maybe I outta change it to rollerblading…it might be easier to get my butt to rollerblade the area surrounding the college…then to actually get my ass up and to the pool…the last time I took a stab at exercising, I picked up my blades (roller) and hockey stick and practiced stick handling around the neighborhoods. Guess we’ll see as I try to work it out this week.

But I just really hate how my mind is after a disorganized mess. At least that is what it feels like. Well, lately I’ve had trouble with racing thoughts again and a few other things…so I’m pretty confident that is coming from lack of medication…and hopefully getting full swing back on them will get me more focused, and a bit more evened out than I have been lately…been a little too much fluctuation for me.

And so now I think I will end my thoughts…as they’ve been many tonight, but once again writing does not fail me- I feel better now. I wrote and just got my thoughts out so I don’t have to sit on them. I have a few more, but they haven’t made it to the coherent writing stage yet lol. Sorry these particular rants are so long, but as always these are my thoughts, straight from my head/heart and onto the page- no censoring. And I feel better now, sleeping pill kicking in (gasp before 11:00pm!!)…I’m tired today. And tomorrow I go get my car fixed (wahoo, no more fear while driving lol). So let’s hope I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow. Night all.

1-13
Phew, it' s been a while since I've written up here. First- go COLTS! They're going to the super bowl after they beat New England!! Sorry, had to put in a plug for my team.

I am finally home...home being my college town and I hit the ground running- today I was gone from nine thirty am to midnight...and tomorrow looks to be more of the same. I have a bunch of works stuff, classes and shit.

My class today went great and I'm excited to get started on it. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Only a few bad things to report. First, I gotta get my ass working- I think the breaks are starting to go on my car, and my car insurance is coming up and finally books need to be bought, though not many. So I need to get some money in the bank, so right now I am in save mode (well...I'm always in that mode, but that means no trips to Walmart for frozen dinners right now.) But it's all good!

I was going to comment on a discussion my mom and I had before I left about me and the lack of peers my own age...but it appears my body is weary from the day and I will have to go. Suffice to say, once again, I held my ground and told her I was happy the way things are...she seems to be the only one with a problem. So I shrugged it off, because tonight I was holding a little guy- and there was nothing I'd rather be doing.

Okay, pill seems to be kicking in...will talk to you all later.

1-7
I can’t be at home any more…I can’t stand how my mom parents treat my little brothers- it’s…so wrong on so many levels. And it breaks my heart so badly. I was so angry today, so angry. And I think my mom is getting my stance on things. I’ll start with lunch with her today.

She met two friends and as I sat down she whispered for me to roll down my sleeves…I instantly smiled, and said why to her face. Then ordered my food and kept my sleeves up the whole time. I’m sorry but I’m long past hiding my scars. Yeah, I’ve self injured to cope in the past. Sometimes I just let go of my control I rein in and in the past cutting was my way of staying alive. I guess you could call them battle scars. But they are apart of me now and they are not going any where. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life hiding them. Take me as I am or don’t. It’s other people’s choice. But it was definitely fun being openly defiant.

Then tonight she yelled at both my brothers and spanked one of them. I don’t tolerate either anymore. When she spanked Brendan, I yelled at her. And when she accused me of not taking her side, but sided with them, I was silent with only a why not for an answer. And I looked her in the eye when I said it too. Then I quietly checked my brother’s homework, and we went upstairs together as a unit. She was quiet and sat there longer and went to her room and closed the door.

I hope she was in there wondering what she is doing wrong and realizing yelling doesn’t get you anywhere- it just devalues your children and what they are trying to do. My heart breaks for my brothers. The oldest, whose nine, has come to me several times over break talking about how mean, strict and how much yelling she does. My heart breaks then because I know I’m the only he tells this to and I’m the only one who would believe him as well. I don’t know what to tell him. Sometimes I just comfort him, other times I tell him what he needs to do to not get yelled at and definitely tell him to not be so openly fresh with her sometimes. I admire him though…he has openly told her how mean she is and how much she yells and how he would rather have me do his homework with him because I don’t yell. But at the same time I want him to be careful- she has not shown them her full rage and I don’t want them to see it.

So I decided there was no way I was ever going to spend more than two weeks here. That’s it, I’ve had it. I can pretend no longer. She saw today, I hope, what I felt and believe. I do not believe in spanking or the type of yelling she does with the boys. Sure I’ve scolded them, or given them a sharp tone…but what she does…it’s of no use but to devalue them. When I use a sharp tone with the boys, I use it to get their attention, then it goes soft etc.

And especially for homework!!! That has got to be the worst situation to yell at a child. If their having problems, yelling is just going to make them feel worse about themselves and make them not want to get help in the future. So when I’m home and helping them, I make it a point to really help these boys learn and make it a fun time and hopefully she sees this! My oldest little brother even said point blank to her that he wanted me to help with his homework because I don’t yell. Tonight, he practically begged me to help with his math because he didn’t want to face her (I was already helping the younger one with reading at the time). Then later, he made me promise to come with him to say good night to her because he was afraid of her.

That’s it, I’m through with her. I won’t stand by and watch her do this to these boys. How could you ever, ever hit a child?! I don’t understand- I could never spank my little brothers, especially spanking the youngest one! Forget it- you could try to justify it all you want…but justifying it doesn't make it right, just makes it seem right…it is never right. Never.

Okay…phew…that is my angry tirade about that. I had to get that out.

My second angry complaint is sleeping. I am sick and tired of not being able to sleep…unless I have this little pill. Because then I’m tied to the times I can take it! Like tonight- I wanted to finish my book, but it was taking my past twelve am and I have to get up at eight am. The pill makes me sleep for eight hours (well really nine) and if I wake up before then, I am really tired and still drugged etc and it’s just harder to get up etc. Well it’s 1:30am now…I took the pill a half hour ago…but still am getting up at eight. It’s going to be a hard day tomorrow. So I am just angry that I’m not like a normal person who can just go to sleep.

Me? I stay up and stay up…I might finally fall asleep naturally around four am. Four am! That’s no way to live. Maybe when I finally get my body into a routine, exercise and eating included, it will resemble some kind of sleep. But honestly, even when I was playing a sport and stuff, I still had trouble with sleep. Sleep has haunted me for years now and really dates back to when I was thirteen. Just have always had trouble with sleep and always been on the shallow side of it, sleeping less rather than more. So yeah, just one more thing for me to be angry at tonight.

I am so happy I get to go to my college town tomorrow (well today), and work with my favorite little kiddo and then I have an IEP meeting for another, and I get to fight for her. I’m in a fighting mood. But I will get my control back, I’ll be practicing that all day…gotta get control.

But ranting has helped! So I shall end this now and find my way to sleep…hopefully Seroquel will do it’s wonder here soon. Night.

1-6
An update to below. I really thought I'd have a bigger rant than what I cam out with...and then suddenly (while playing X-box and cussing out my football team for loosing), I realized why I didn't have a bigger one.

In true ways, my body and mind has shut down and raised it's shields- I am numb again. Very, very numb and unfeeling. I guess this shit was too much to handle. Which would explain the recent dangers to myself etc. I'm having trouble feeling. Not that I can't feel or can't identify my emotions, but that I don't know how to let my feelings out, unless I choose to cause pain etc. I can just see this separation of me and my feelings. Ugh- I hate it...I know they are there- I just can't feel them!

So I have put this wall between myself and my feelings. My mind and body's auto-protection thing...so looks like I gotta break that down, or at least start to put holes in that. I hate being this protected, but at some point in my life, that's what I learned. Just have to work extra hard...and not give in to any feelings to hurt myself or any of the other stuff that leads me to depression. Guess it's time to start some more heavy praying. Hope everyone is doing alright. Time for sleep for me. Night.

1-6
Well, I thought I could really talk about the sexual abuse in therapy…until I got into therapy and I couldn’t…it’s weird- like once she started really asking “the” questions…suddenly I felt uncomfortable and in my mind I could just picture the defenses going up…and that was it. I wasn’t going to be able to talk about it. I hated that. I had dreaded going to the session anyway- just because I knew this would be a test of my ability to talk about the abuse. And it failed- couldn’t do it- couldn’t even go near it!!

But…it taught me something- this was going to be WAY harder than I thought it would be and take A LOT more work to do it. I’m also more of a danger to myself right now, so I know this is not going to be easy.

Yet, even though I know I have this part of me walled up and I am more susceptible to self harm right now- I have to keep going forward…I have to figure out ways to talk about this. It’s like many things I’ve had to face…when I finally got to it, I knew I couldn’t go back. So I can’t go back on this. So I’m going to order the workbook that goes with The Courage to Heal (and do the exercises! Lol) and maybe talk about it a little in each session. I need to get this out.

Plus, I’m about to enter into a relationship with someone I really care about and I don’t want this affecting my relationship with him. I want to for once, have normal, caring, intimate relationship with a guy and not have my past fuck it up. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so!

So that’s where I’m at with all of that crap. Ugh best describes it all. I am about five days from heading back to my college town and I can’t wait- finally get to go back to my routine and my life. It’s like for a month I didn’t have a life…it was just a waiting period or holding period until I got to go back to my life. So now I’m just days away and anxiously awaiting it.

Of course at the same time I am scared shitless. I have a routine all set to go and a plan of action I’m waiting to implement…and to see if it works. Last semester I was just grasping at straws and grasping any control I could in the infinite chaos I was thrown into. As much as I tried, I just could not recover smoothly from my disaster in September.

And it’s what happened in September that haunts me. I told someone I was going to die and I meant it. I let the dark consume me, I gave up, I let pain and sadness and anger overcome any strength I had. I got up each morning with a prayer to end my life and suffering. And this time I meant it. I even chose a lethal method, hanging, to do it. I wrote suicide letters. I had it all planned…and told myself that I didn’t care about anything that would stand in my way.

And that’s how I know it’s serious- when I decided not even the children I work with were worth staying alive for. Which makes me think I was selfish then- if I had die, it would have pretty much meant death for at least one of my kids (the one that is non-verbal etc.) because as yet, no one can get him to do the things I can get him to do. My death would have had a nasty ripple effect. But I was to the point where I felt my pain was too great of a burden to carry any more and I was going to end it. I was tired of the trying, tired of the fighting and I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up again.

But luckily, as I’ve said in the past, I had a few people in my corner. But still- that time period left an indelible mark in my life and in my head…as I know how dark things can get now- I don’t want to return there. And as I embark on this new semester…this has to work because I don’t know what else to do. My mind is a mess- so disorganized, so much chaos…that if I’m going to succeed I need to find a system of organization that works for me and not get all cluttered up. And I need to keep my grades up and a few other things. So this is a big semester for me. I need…I want to make it this time.

So here I am…yet again on the cusp of some big stuff. But going into all of it with confidence. I can do it, I just have to keep my head above the water! Oh and I definitely decided medication plays a big role in my life…by accident :-) I became a little inconsistent with taking my medication- I say accident because when I don’t have a specific routine at night then I forget to take it and there were times I’d forget (sometimes for a few days) and I could see the effect some of it had. So I know how important that is. Which is another reason I can’t wait to get back to school- I have a routine there and my medication is kept right next to my bed (at home its away from the kids reach, which is how I forget, it’s not constantly in eye sight).

Alright, that’s about all the deep thoughts I can handle for tonight. Night.

1-4
Phew, long day- spent all day helping my boss set up her apartment. That was fun- I like to do that kind of work, I enjoy her company and it got me out of the house, which I always like! Tomorrow will be a super long day. I will be doing therapy with three of my kids, my own therapy and a meeting with a prof. Plus a ton of driving. Ugh! But should be fun, I miss my kids and it should be fun just to do straight therapy for six hours with my kids. It’s been a while since I’ve done that! But I’m excited.

And I’ve got therapy tomorrow for myself, which should be good (I hope!). I’ve been reading up on The Courage to Heal…damn good book- it’s really been helping me a lot.

Below is but a snapshot of the things I could talk about:

- leaving body
- control- go to great lengths for some kind of order- or continue chaos to find order
- disconnected from everybody
- emergency stage
- dissociation
- feelings
- how you were silenced?
- understanding that it wasn’t your fault
- childhood perceptions
- shame
- boundaries
- “come on, ask me”
- you don’t graduate
- memories

Tonight I’ll go with boundaries- they are so fucking screwed up, I don’t know where to start. I think it’s very hard for me to set boundaries or where to set them…though there are some boundaries which I do set well like with boyfriends and whatnot- they know up-front what’s up and where they are touching me and where they are not- as well as my no-sex clause. I went through two boyfriends before I found my firm beliefs and boundaries. Never again, will I feel the way I felt with those two- just reliving the past. Then with other people, boundaries- there is the trust issue- I have no trust with others, I don’t know how to trust them or who to trust…so I just don’t. It’s easier that way.

And I guess that feeds into feeling disconnected from everybody. It’s like there is me…and there is everybody else. I don’t know how to integrate the two…no matter who I’m with it seems- I just can’t feel a connection. I guess that goes into the whole trust thing too.

And then of course there is the dissociation- I can be in a conversation with someone or even in an intimate setting with a boyfriend- and I’ll carry on and what not, but just be gone. I don’t know how to describe it…but I’m just not there anymore…but at the same time it appears I’m there to those around me.

Let’s see what else…oh- “come on, ask me”…refers to in therapy…sometimes it’s like I know what I want to say, but can’t…it’s like I want her to ask me and then I’ll talk…that sorta happened with the sexual abuse I guess…she asked me I think about two/three times if I had ever been sexually abused over the space of a year, before I finally said…yes. Took me long enough, goodness! But it took that long to first recall what I had stored away, and then to admit to what exactly it was. I guess shame can really take it’s toll on things.

Shame is a biggie for me- I feel so much shame…and I can’t get rid of it, nor do I know exactly how to get rid of it. I just don’t even know what to say about that. It’s there and…yeah.

Okay, that’s enough for me tonight. I’ve lost my train of thought. So…night everyone.

1-2
Well, the Courage to Heal has been a very eye-opener book for me…it’s like on every page I’m saying wow. It’s describing me in so many ways. And it’s finally giving me a road-map. Like I can go to the different chapters or parts and read about where and what went wrong and where I need to be headed. It’s nice. And it brings back memories and feelings too…which gives me more to go on. And it validates my life…and life experiences. It’s like I feel like its okay to hurt.

I know that statement may sound funny, but it’s true. I’ve not allowed myself to hurt…to really hurt. I always minimize whatever has happened. But now it’s forcing me to say, hey I’m hurting inside- I was abused and now its time to deal with it.

What I am getting a sense of thought, is that my biggest healing won’t come until after college graduation- until that point I’ll be too close to my family to truly let go. I know my feelings are there, underneath the surface but I suppress them time and again because I know how strong and deep they are…and I can’t afford to let them out yet. I’m still struggling to get in touch with them anyway. I just don’t understand how to let go.

I know I have rage in me…I’ve felt the rumblings, but always battled it back down- I’m scared of my rage. I don’t want to let it out! Sadness, I’ve let out every once in a while. That is a hard one. I’ve cried a few times, but not the type of crying needed for me- I haven’t grieved yet, nor even come close to that.

And I’m still so angry at myself…I still can’t stop being mad at my 11 year old self, still don’t understand why I couldn’t stop it. I’m still angry at all the times I let things happen…I just can’t realize that I was a child- or rather- I’m angry at that child for not doing anything.

And then I just keep thinking how alone I was. I had no one to turn to, no one to believe me, no one to trust. So I look at my life now and I’m still very much isolated, but am trying to have a close circle of people who know things. But when it comes to friends, several things come to mind. First, I’m not sure how to make friends anymore. I refuse to live my life in secret any longer. I want to be able to talk about myself and not omit stuff or even lie. I want to people to know my life was not perfect and shit happened. And my experience with friends thus far is not good- some leave because, well, frankly I was a mess and could have died at any moment; some I dropped because I didn’t trust ‘em; and some disappeared for reasons I don’t remember. Where do people find the friends that are there for everything???? I don’t understand it. I see it on tv and read about it in books, but never is it in my life…at least with people my own age. The family I’m close to in my college town- the mom of the family is my best friend. When I feel like shit, I know I can go over there and just watch tv and eat junk food with her and she’ll know not to ask questions unless I seem open to the prospect of talking. Though now that I think about it- she is the kind of friend I read about in books and see on tv…there just happens to be a large age gap between us and such different life circumstances- but we are there for each other unconditionally. I like that. But for others looking into my life, they see something wrong with that.

For some reason everyone has some idea of a college life and that I’m not living it. I should have a circle of friends, I should be living it up, going to parties, movies on the weekends and other stuff with people my age. But I say- why? Why live somebody else’s dream of college. I like how mine is. I have my work which I love and that and school takes up the time during the week pretty much. Weekends I’m trying to figure out how to do stuff for myself and I visit with the one family often.

Right now, I don’t know myself, but I’d sure like to discover her. I want to explore the town, maybe branch out a little…live life a little in solitude for a while. I can’t really share myself with others until I know myself- really know myself- my limits, my boundaries. So I’m not a typical twenty year old- who would rather be doing therapy with a child with autism than partying, best friends with someone her mother’s age, would rather work on research projects than go clubbing, befriends a cool professor and just sit in bed and listen to good music or curl up with a good book. I don’t see anything wrong with that- it is my life after all…and my choices. For once I’m in control of something good- my life…it’s time for others to accept that.

Alright, done writing, time to close my eyes and enjoy some music. Sarah McLachlan and Dar Williams are the coolest musicians, just in case anyone was wondering ;-)

Night.

1-2
I'm very tired and about to head to bed, but had a few comments. I just started reading The Courage to Heal. All I have to say is wow...never thought I'd find so much of myself in one book. And I don't think I'd quit realized how much I am not in touch with my feelings and how much I actively try to not be in touch with them. More like- feelings? what are those. I spend almost all of my time without them. The times that I do feel like I'm feeling is when I'm working with the kids or with my little brothers.

Though I have to say when I was in the hospital- day treatment- I felt a lot then, it was a lot of anger and despair. Then later I went through like a week of sadness...and then it was over curious enough and I stopped talking about it in therapy too. It's like I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it. But...armed with this book, I think I'm ready. Some demons need to be faced and slayed. I'm not sure I've slayed any of mine yet- just kinda duck and run, but I think I'm ready now, I think I can stand fast and strong...after all, I am...what do you call it?...plucky :-P

Night :-)

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