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BUTTERCUPS

The other day I was out playing some golf and my ball landed on the rough in a patch of buttercups. As I lifted my club in the air I heard a faint voice, "Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups."

I lowered my club and took a quick glance back and forth to make sure that I was alone. Satisfied that I was alone, I began to raise my club and again came the same voice, this time a bit louder, "Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups."

This time I was so sure of the voice that I spoke aloud, "Hello, is someone out there." No sooner than I had finished speaking a tiny fairy appeared before me. "I am the forest fairy, if you don't hurt my buttercups then I'll give you all the butter you could want for the rest of your life." and so I replied, "Where the hell where you when I was in the pussywillows?"

CLINTON

President Clinton got together with some of his golf buddies for a round. When they got ready to tee off on hole No. 1, Clinton removed his golf jacket and revealed that he had a pair of panties stuck to his upper left arm. Nobody in the group had enough moxie to ask about it, so they played their eighteen holes as usual.

When the game was completed, and drinks were flowing profusely at the "19th Hole", one of the group got enough "Jack Daniels" courage, and asked, "Mr. President, what's the story on those panties you have stuck to your arm?" Clinton replied, "It's a patch...I'm trying to quit."

DOCTOR

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day. He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway. My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem. Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook. I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery-- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor. Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it and watched it duck hook two fairways away...

European Tour

After being away from home for three months trying to make it on the European tour, the golf pro was finally back in bed with his wife, hoping to make up for lost time. Later in the evening when they were asleep, there was a loud knock at the door, and they both sat up straight.

"My God, that must be your husband!" exclaimed the golf pro.

"No, it can't be," said his wife. "He's in Europe playing golf."

How do pros create so much backspin ?

Amateur: ``How do you get so much backspin?''

Pro: ``Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''

Amateur: ``About 130.''

Pro: ``Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin *back*?

Expert Advice

This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!

Generation Gap

A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time."

The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed right in the middle of the 50 ft trees. The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age, those trees were 8 feet tall."