No one could answer any of my questions……either that or I was afraid to let them. It was so weird to be in this position. Whenever Sara had a problem, I was the one to answer everything- to make things better. Now I could tell she wanted to do the same and I wouldn’t let her. I didn’t let Lizzy sympathize, let JC talk things out of me the way he knew he could, let Faith hug me for comfort, let Chris joke with me until he got a smile. This was all new to me, being the helpless one.
I didn’t really cry much more, I just kind of stared into the distance instead. I longed SO much for Justin to hold me, kiss my head and tell me things were okay like he did after Kyle broke my heart. I wanted to have one of my best friend talks with Sara and spill everything, get it out in the open and get it out in the past. But I was even afraid to open up to them at this point. Who could I trust?? I’d trusted Javan my entire life, and he shattered my heart. I was still picking up the pieces, let alone gluing them back together. The only one I really could find myself talking to was Lance, and even at that point I felt so guilty for dropping him this entire trip, that I closed off from him too.
I was sitting in my room in a new hotel when I heard a knock on the door. I looked at the closed door for a moment before taking a deep breath and standing up. Surprisingly I wasn’t tired or worn out anymore. I had energy, anger now, that I needed to get out but I didn’t know how. I was contemplating this when I opened the door, expecting to see Lonnie or Mike.
The last person I expected to see standing in my doorway was there. Kylie. “OMG Kylie!!” I said as she smiled brightly and wrapped me in a hug.
“How’re you doing??” She asked concerned as I still watched her with shock.
“I little bit better but frankly, bad. What are you doing here?” I asked as I let her into my room and she put her bag down on the bed.
“Sara asked if I’d come since Ashli’s gone and see if I can help out. Plus, I wanted too.” Kylie said as I smiled, one of the first smiles that had come naturally over the last couple of days.
“I’m really glad you’re here. We all really need you.” I said as I sat down on the bed and she took a deep breath and smiled.
“SO how have things been for the last, 24 hours??” Kylie asked, trying to cheer me up.
I smiled back at her as I answered. “I wouldn’t really know.” I answered as my mind drifted back to Javan and I took a deep breath as another knock on the door sounded.
Kylie looked at me before standing up to open the door. Lonnie looked shocked as he recognized her. “Hi Lonnie. Long time no see.” She smiled as Lonnie picked her up and spun her around. “PLEASE tell me you’re here to stay.” Lonnie pleaded as he put her down.
“For now, I’m here to stay.” Kylie said as she inhaled as a smile adorned Lonnie’s happy face. He looked in to me before stepping past Kylie and walking over to take my hands and pull me off the bed.
“You, my dear, are not missing another one of these concerts. I want my Brynn back and in order to get her back, I think she better come with me.” Lonnie said in third person as I smiled as he pulled me off the bed.
“Lonnie I really don’t feel up to it tonight. I think I might just stay here and order in some dinner. I kinda feel like being alone tonight.” I said softly as Lonnie put his hand under my chin and titled my head up so my eyes met his.
“Are you sure??” He asked. He was one who could always tell if I was lying. I smiled up at him as I nodded and smiled over at Kylie.
“But do me a favor Lonnie. Surprise Justin with her. He deserves a little happiness right about now.” I said as Lonnie smiled at me and grabbed Kylie’s bag.
“That’s my girl, everyone before herself. You betcha kiddo. If you need anything, we’re just a phone call away.” Lonnie said as Kylie waved.
“I’m comin’ back here after the concert and we’re havin’ another girl talk alright??” Kylie said. I knew they were all trying to cheer me up, and I hated raining of their parade, but all I could do was wave until they closed the door before I collapsed back onto the bed. I really didn’t want to watch TV. I needed to do something physical. I didn’t want anyone to know where I was…….I just wanted to be alone. What did I always do when I was upset, ever since I was young?? Dance.
*That Night *
The loud music ran through my head as I danced in front of the long row of full length mirrors. “It’s a THRILLER……..” Michael Jackson’s voice sang out as I heartily through all my energy into every move I performed, arching my back as far as it would go, thrusting my hips as hard as they’d thrust, sliding across the floor gracefully yet harshly as I let myself dance out my emotions. All I could hear was the music, all I could feel was relief with every move, anger, sadness, regret, with every word.
I didn’t even hear Justin come in.
I felt his hand on my hip as I looked up and continued to roll my hips around before throwing my arms toward him as he joined in on the dance and threw himself backwards. I was surprised he remembered it…….we’d made it up so long ago. But he did. He danced the rest of the song with me, me dancing out my anger as did he. “THRILLA……” The song ended as I took a deep breath and looked up at Justin.
“I can’t believe you remember that.” I said as I caught my breath and walked over to turn off the cd and grab a towel to wipe the sweat off my face.
“Of course I remember that. I’ve never loved a dance as much as I loved that one.” Justin reflected as I tossed him a bottle of water.
“How’d you know I’d be here??” I asked as I walked back over to him. He looked at me pathetically as I chuckled. “Okay, bad question.” I said as he took a seat on a bench that was set up on the side of the room. “I’ve never seen you dance so, rough.” Justin said matter-of-factly as I sat down on the floor and looked at him in the mirror.
“I have an excuse.” I said plainly as I took a sip of water.
“Brynn I’m sorry about what happened. It’s my fault and I never meant for any of this to happen.” Justin said as I turned to him and stood up to walk over I hated the fact that he was blaming himself for this. I knew he would. It wasn’t his fault, it was mine.
“It’s not your fault and you know it.” I said as looked deep into his soft blue eyes. There was still pain there- it matched mine perfectly.
“Am I interrupting something??” I heard Kylie’s soft voice from behind me as she stepped into the room. I turned around to look at her and mustered a smile.
“Hey girl. No not at all. Looking for him??” I asked as I grabbed Justin’s arm and pulled him up. His eyes lit up at the sight of her and her smile lit up her own eyes.
“As a matter of fact, yes.” She answered as Justin walked over towards her. I smiled at them both as Justin led Kylie out of the room and she mouthed ‘thank you’ before shutting the door behind her.
*Two Days Later *
I stepped onto the bus and looked around. Sara looked up from the journal she was writing in while leaning back on Chris, who sat with Sara in his lap. She smiled at me lightly as I half-smiled back. I felt so distant from everybody and I hated it. Having Kylie here had helped somewhat but Justin seemed to be closing off again also. The only person I’d really talked to since the night I’d spent dancing out my anger was Lance, and even him I’d only talked too for a little while.
I tossed my bag onto a bunk and slunk into it. I didn’t plan on falling asleep but I knew it was inevitable in a moving bus. I was happy though, my dreams tore me apart from the reality I was afraid to face.
“Chris, things aren’t getting better.” I heard Sara’s soft voice as I closed my eyes and laid my head back on my pillow, taking out my cd player.
“I know sweetie, they’ll come around.” He said as I heard rustling and no more voices. I hated doing this to everyone, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t pretend everything was okay. It wasn’t.
