I looked over at Sara and wondered why she looked so agitated. She’d looked as worn as I was but now she just looked pissed. She collapsed onto the couch across the way from me and just sighed as she stared up at the ceiling and I watched as her chest heaved and shrunk with every breath, a tear strolling down her cheek.
I’d caused this. Javan had caused this. Sara had caused this. Justin had caused this. It was the four of us, but mostly me. If I had just listened to Lance when he told me Javan had something up his sleeve. If I had just let Sara talk to me and tell me to believe Lance. If I had let Justin in on it, let him help me out like he wanted too. If I’d just slugged Ashli when she first hurt Justin.
I hadn’t.
I had no more tears to cry. No more words to say. No more appetite to eat. No more sadness to dwell on. The only thing I had was dancing, and I knew the more I danced, and the less I ate, and the more I closed myself off, the more worried people got about me, and the thinner I got, and the sicker I got. I was depressing myself. I hadn’t ever done that before.
Kylie looked like she was beginning to lose it. I know we were scaring her. We seemed to be scaring everybody. I’d known the all the guys since the first day Chris called Justin to begin the group, and they’d always known Sara and I and Justin and Javan to be bouncing around, causing problems and talking our way outta them. They knew Justin was the young one, and he still had to learn things on his own, but they hadn’t ever known him to be like this. Sara was trying to put up a front for them, and I could tell. But they saw through it. Chris’ arms rarely left her waist, for fear she’d end up closing off from everyone like Justin and I had I guess.
Lance was trying to talk to me as much as possible, and though I usually did feel up to talking to him, there was nothing to talk to him about. Javan was gone, Ashli was gone, but both of them had left me like this. You always knew something was wrong with me if I wasn’t even up to dancing, and seeing that I was even losing that desire, Faith decided to take action.
“Faith I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I don’t think going clubbing is gonna help me.” I said meekly as faith pulled out navy blue sparkly pants and a white tank top with rhinestones on it out of her bag. She held them up to me before looking up at me with a contented smile.
“That should do.” She said, not responding to my plea. I looked at her with wilting eyes as pulled out her make up bag and ushered me over to sit down on the bed. She pulled out her concealer and started patting it under my eyes to drown out the dark circles that had formed. “Girl you really gotta get some actual sleep or something.” Faith muttered as I looked up at her and her smile faded and she stopped applying the makeup. “Stop looking at me like that. I feel like the Devil.” Faith said through a half smile as a half smile appeared on my face and I looked at her.
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” I said as she just smiled and looked through her makeup bag again before pulling out some navy blues sparkles and silver eye shadow.
“We’re still going.” Faith said as I sighed and subsided to the make over. Normally I’d be all about it- dancing and guys- two of my favorite things. I hated myself like this.
Faith pulled on my arm to get me to stand up and sent me into the bathroom to put on the clothes. When I came out, I looked at myself in the mirror. The navy blue sparkly pants were tight fitting and the white spaghetti strapped tank top formed perfectly to my figure. But I wasn’t the same person. I’d look normal, like a normal girl going out clubbing, but I was skinny, and unhappy.
I stepped away from the mirror and Faith handed me my lip gloss I never went anywhere without. “Not a word. You look fine, and yes, you’re STILL going. Joey and I decided you’re a dancer, and freestylin is the most fun.” Faith giggled as I managed a smile and we stepped out the hotel room door to go meet Joey.
*That Night *
“Guys I’m gonna go grab some water.” I said to Faith and Joey, who were freakin out on the dance floor before Faith smiled and I made my way through the crowd of bumping people. I sat down at a bar stool and asked for a bottle of water before I turned around to watch the crowd of people.
I smiled out over the crowd, who seemed to be moving in synch with the music, the coordinated compensating for the less fortunate, bad dancers, or to put it politically correct, 'overly Caucasians’. I leaned back against the counter as I heard a familiar voice and froze.
“Ashli I don’t know if taking another shot is too good an idea.” Javan’s strong voice echoed in my ears as I immediately whipped around so my back was facing where the voice was coming from and tried to hide my face.
“O shush Javan. Here have another mudslide.” Ashli’s pipey voice made me cringe as she slid the drink too him and took another shot. “I’m gonna go dance baby with that guy right there. Go flirt or something.” Ashli said as she walked away and squealed as a random guy grabbed her waist.
I had no where to go. If I got up and ran to Faith and Joey I knew I’d be too obvious, and for surely recognized. With the make up and clothing I had on, the pain I was feeling really was hidden, which I immediately labeled a good thing. If either of them per chance saw me, the last thing in the world I’d want them to know was how much they left me in the rough, how much they’d gotten to me- how much they’d torn me apart.
I was still contemplating a way out when I felt a cold hand wrap around my waist and a lispy, drunk voice in my ear. I froze as I heard him talk.
“What’s up sweet thang. I saw you dancing out there. How bout takin me for a ride??” He asked as I took a deep breath and turned around sharply. His eyes widened as he began to recognize me slowly, and without even my consent it seemed, my hand contacted with his cheek in a loud slap before his hand rubbed his stinging cheek. “Brynn??” Javan asked huffily as I shook my head and grabbed his hand off my waist and threw it at him.
“Go screw a cat Javan.” I said as I shook my head and started to walk away to find Faith and Joey. I caught Joey’s eye as his eyes widened with fear when they saw Javan walking up behind me. I waved Joey to come as he turned Faith around and Faith started to run towards me as Javan put his hand over my mouth from behind. I screamed under his tight grip and I threw my elbow back into his ribs as he let go before stepping on his foot, watching him cringe as he doubled over in pain.
I wasn’t upset anymore. I was flat out pissed. What was he trying to do now??? KIDNAP me?? I shook my head as I turned around to face him, my eyes raging. Joey put his arm over Faith’’s waist to slow her down as he watched me turn to face Javan.
“Javan how many times do I have to tell you?? DON’T mess with me.” I said flatly as I huffed and turned around to face Joey and Faith, who stood with wide-open mouths as I walked over to them. “Can we go?” I asked as Faith nodded her head lightly and Joey chuckled lightly as he regained his composure.
I heard Faith groan lightly and I felt nails grasp my arm as I turned around slowly to face Ashli. “What did u just do to him bitch?? I really don’t want the three of you here in my hometown.” Ashli asked in a catty voice as I rolled my eyes.
“What does it look like I did Ashli?? I just kicked your boyfriend’s ass, that’s what I just did. Now please, you’re voice is really hurting my ears.” I said as once again Joey’s mouth dropped as Faith’s lips turned into a smug smile. Ashli looked at me, surprised to hear me so cold. Before she could open her mouth again I turned around and walked through the dancing people and out the door.
I heard two sets of footsteps behind me as Faith wrapped me in a tight hug. Her smile was beaming as she pulled back. “OMG girl YOU ROCK!!” She laughed as Joey held up his hand.
“Damn Brynn- that deserves THREE high fives.” He said as a smile pressed across my lips. It did feel good to get that out of my system, but it had also scared the crap out of me. And for some reason, I didn’t feel nearly as good as I should have. Nothing was different. Javan just had a bruised rib. That didn’’t make my life any better.
