The next two weeks were a blur of police, interrogations, doctors nd reporters. Jen was okay, but Rayna had to have an abortion. Steven McCaid’s murder was called self-defense and Rayna wasn’t charged with anything.
Jen’s parent’s came home and put her into counseling imediately. Rayna’s parents didn’t know what to do with her. She wouldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep, she just sat in her room, hugging her knees to her chest and rocking herself. She could handle being raped but killing someone was beyond her. Her grandfather brought her the knife to make her feel safer, no one understood what was really wrong with her.
Rayna spent the whole summer hiding in the dark in her room. She played with her guitar and wrote songs. She only left het room at night, when her parents were asleep. She got food from the kitchen and drove to the gas station for cigarettes. Zeke would show up on ocassion with movies, but Rayna was afraid to let him touch her. She felt like everytime he looked at her it was in fear, because she killed someone. Really he was just afraid of making her uncomfortable. Eventually, Zeke stopped showing up, it was just too much for anyone to handle.
When school started Rayna dressed in baggy sweaters and hid behind sunglasses at the back of the class. Rayna and Jen didn’t speak to each other. Everytime Rayna looked at Jen she would see the man she killed.
Jen went on as if nothing had ever happened. She was head cheerleader and dated Scott. She was even prom queen, without Rayna holding her back she ruled the school. Rayna figured that it was easier to live with just a rape when your unconcious, than a rape, an abortion, and a murder.
Graduation came and went. Jen went to Yale for law school and Rayna left early for San Francisco. She just couldn’t stand Colorado anymore. School was good for Rayna. By the time she went to England for Junior year, she was beginning to trust herself with men again. She went back to San Francisco and finished school.
She kept her apartment there and began playing acoustic sets in coffee shops. She became well known, but was not making enouh money to live. She took a job as a DJ in a local club. One night when she was getting off work, a man came up to talk to her. He had heard her play the weekend before and he wanted to give her a record contract. She took his card and told him she’d call the next day.
Rayna was reluctant about the reord contract. She wasn’t sure if she could handle the whole fame thing. On the other hand she was twenty-three, she couldn’t spend the rest of her life playing coffee shops and being a DJ. Eventually, she would be too old for that and this was a great career opportunity. After spending the whole night debating with herself, she made up her mind. She took the record contract.
She spent the next few months working on the album. When it came time to title it she decided it would be self titled, but she was afraid of people bringing up the rape. So she changed her name, it wasn’t much of a change, she just used her middle name as her last name.
They sent her out on tour and her album began to achieve some mild success. She spent about a year out on tour and then went home for a well deserved break. She was scheduled to start the new album in a month. One day she recieved an unexpected phone call.
“Hello?”
“Is this Rayna Marie?”
“Yes it is.”
“The Rayna Marie who used to be Rayna Hanolin?”
“Yes, who is this?”
“This is Mrs. Murphy, Jen’s...”
“I know who you are.”
“Well, um, I hate to call under these circumstances, but I have some bad news.”
“What is it?”
“Rayna, dear, Jen committed suicide.” Rayna nearly dropped the phone. “Rayna, are you still there?”
“Yeah, yes, I’m still here.”
“The funeral is in a week. On Friday in Crossroads at one.”
“I’ll be there.”
“Rayna could you do something for me?”
“Of course, anything.”
“Have you ever heard that song ‘Barely Breathing?’”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it was Jen’s favorite and it would mean a lot to me if you would sing it at the funeral.”
“Of course.”
“Thank you.”
“Bye, Mrs. Murphy.”
“And Rayna.”
“Yes?”
“Jen never forgot you. She loved your music.”
“Thank you. Bye Mrs. Murphy.”
Rayna hung up and walked to her room. She laid down on her bed and curled up into fetal position. She let her chest fill up and her eyes fill up. Then slowly, very slowly, she began to cry for Jennifer Murphy.
She cried for all the times they had together. For all the times they didn’t. She cried for all the loving things they ever said. For all the hateful things they never meant. For all parts of Jen’s life she had missed. Most of all she cried for what had separated them.
She made arrangements to fly to Denver the next day. She went home and stayed with her parents. Her mother showed her the article about Jen’s suicide and the obituary. Rayna stayed in her old room practicing the song.
Rayna went to the funeral that Friday. She listened to Jen’s husband give the eulogy and then went up and sang her song. It took all the self control she posessed not to break down during the song. When the funeral was over she went to pay her respects to Jen’s family. She was surprised to discover who Jen had married.
“Rayna?”
“Mutt?”
“It’s Nathaniel now. I can’t believe you came.”
“I can’t believe it’s you.”
“Who would have figured the prom queen would marry the biggest stoner in school, huh?”
“I’m so sorry. I wish...”
“Shh now, Rayna. There was nothing any of us could have done. It was just to much for her.” Rayna smiled at him and hugged him. He was so strong, Rayna wished she had his strength. She turned to leave, but someone standing at the back of the church stopped her. She walked over to the familiar face.
“Zeke?”
“Hello, Rayna.”
“It’s good to see you.”
“Is it? I’m surprised you came.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?”
“Oh come on, Rayna, you’re a smart girl, you can figure it out.” He sounded so bitter, Rayna didn’t remember that.
“Why don’t you explain it to me?”
“You wouldn’t speak to anyone for the last year you were here. You got out of town so fast we’re still eating your dust. Now, you’re some big rock star. Do the math Rayna, nothing in that equation added up to you coming back. Ever.”
“Zeke, baby, what happened to you?”
“I grew up, Rayna. We all have to do it sooner or later, some of us just do it sooner than others.”
“I didn’t know growing up meant becoming bitter.”
“I’m not bitter, I’m disappointed. Not all of us can have it as good as you.”
“Is that why you’re acting like this? You’re angry at me for becoming what I am.”
“Don’t be so arrogant, Rayna. Why did you come back here anyway? You’re not proving anything to anyone.”
“Look, Zeke, I’d trade everything i have and everything I am for just one more day with Jen, but I can’t. So, I did something for her mom, that’s all I could do.”
“Yeah, I’m sure this had nothing to do with making you feel better.”
“Zeke, I’m sorry for whatever I did to cause you so much pain. I was in a very difficult situation, and that’s not an excuse, it’s a reason. Goodbye Zeke.” Rayna kissed Zeke on the cheek and started to walk away.
“Rayna, I was in love with you. I wanted to help you, to make it all better, but I didn’t know how.” Rayna looked back at him and saw it for the first time. “Goodbye Rayna.”
Rayna went back to San Francisco and finished her vacation. When time came to work on her record, she couldn’t concentrate. Her head was flooded with thoughts of Jen. Finally she decided she needed to get away. So she booked a weekend at a hotel in the Rocky’s.
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