Breathe. I just had to keep reminding myself to breathe. Oh fuck, I couldn’t remember how to breathe. The moment was frozen in time. I could see John kneeling about to talk and me sitting on the bed. Remember the story about how I feel my dad’s presence every time I got on a swing, well I felt him then. I could almost see him across the room, supporting whatever decision I made.
“Wynter, I know that you aren’t ready to get married, so this isn’t a proposal. It’s more like a promise. I want you to have this, so you will always know that I want to be the person you marry.” He handed me the box. I couldn’t open it, I just stared at it. “Well, open it.” I slowly pulled the box open, willing myself not to shake.
It was the ring I had once pointed out to him, because I thought it was beautiful. It was a platinum band with diamonds inlaid all the way around. The ring was on a silver chain. John reached up, took the necklace and undid the clasp. He put the necklace around my neck and fastened it. My hand instinctively went to my neck and I looked down.
“I put it on a chain, so you wouldn’t actually have to wear it like an engagement ring.”
I looked up at him in shock and terror. He was being so caring and considerate, how could I break his heart? What could I possibly say?
“Say something.” I had to make one of the biggest decisions of my life than and there, tell him the truth or avoid it completely. Maybe I should have chosen differently or maybe everything worked out the way it was intended to.
“I think we’re beyond the need for words, John.” He kissed me and, as it was perfectly natural to do so, we made love.
I was amazed and disgusted with myself. I had used the most romantic line I had ever heard in a movie to avoid the truth. Jane Austin was probably rolling over in her grave. Thankfully John fell asleep soon after we made love. I got up quietly and put on some clothes. I grabbed my wallet and hooded sweatshirt and snuck out the door.
I pulled my hooded sweatshirt on in the elevator as I rode down to the lobby. I walked straight out of the hotel into the refreshing, albeit polluted, night air. I managed to find a cafe that was open all night. I ordered a cappuccino and sat in a booth by the window. I pulled a pen out of my pocket and began doodling on a napkin.
Well, I had certainly dodged a bullet there, but at what cost? Probably my sanity. To make things worse I had avoided the truth by quoting a line from Mansfield Park. If John ever saw it, I couldn’t bring myself to think of the repercussions. The irony of it was that if we were truly beyond words, he would have known what I was really feeling. God, I wished I had someone to talk to. I looked down at my napkin, without realizing it I had drawn angel wings and a halo.
“Oh dad, I wish you were here right now.”
“What?”
“Oh sorry, I was thinking out loud.”
“Mmm, that’s not what it sounded like.”
“Oh really, what did it sound like then?”
“Like a woman sitting alone in a cafe who really wishes she had someone to talk to, but she doesn’t. So she says something aloud under the guise of talking to herself, in hopes of someone responding.”
“Well, you’re close.” He was kind of cute in a very California sort of way. He was tan, bleached blond, and looked to be about twenty-five.
“How close?”
“I am lonely and I was hoping that someone would respond.”
“I didn’t say lonely, I said alone.”
“They mean the same thing.”
“Only when you’re lonely. So are you speaking of a specific someone or will any random someone do?”
“My dad, not that he can.”
“What do you mean?” He picked up his coffee, came over, and sat across from me. We were alone in the coffee shop.
“My dad is dead, he died the night I was born but I still talk to him like he’s my guardian angel, you know. Tonight I really needed him to talk back.” I looked up at where the stars should have been outside and then back at him. “I’m Wynter, by the way.”
“Hello Wynter, I’m Nick.”
“Nice to meet you, Nick. Nice place. Do you always work nights?”
“I own the place, but I can’t seem to keep anyone on night shift. So I usually end up working it myself.”
“You own this place. How old are you?”
“Twenty-four. I bought it straight out of business school.”
“A real go getter, aren’t you?”
“You could say that. So what did you want to talk to your dad about?”
“This,” I lifted the ring so that he could see it.
“Nice set of rocks you got there.”
“They’re the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Why?”
So I told him, I told him everything. All my fears. All the reasons for marrying John. All the reasons for running like hell. Everything. It felt good to just say it out loud, to get it off my chest.
“Well, you certainly have a mess on your hands, don’t you?”
“If I tell him what I feel it’ll end the relationship and I don’t want that.”
“Just stick it out. By the time it is an engagement ring you’ll probably have a better idea of what you want.”
“Thanks for listening, Nick. It’s late, I should go.” I got up and headed to the door.
“Wynter, just remember you can only have your cake and eat it too for so long.”
“Goodnight, Nick.”
“Goodnight, Wynter.” I walked outside and looked up at the sky.
“Thank you dad.”
I walked back to the hotel and climbed back into bed with John. It was already five a.m., we had to leave at eight. I rolled over to John and put my head on his chest. I don’t remember falling asleep, but I do remember the annoying buzz of the alarm. I rolled over and pulled the blanket over my head.
“Wynter, come on.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Wynter, you can go back to sleep on the bus.”
“Fine.” I got up and threw all my clothes into my bags. I took a quick shower and we went downstairs. They loaded us all on the bus and I went straight back to the bunks to sleep. I drifted off quickly, but was woken by voices nearby.
“I don’t know. I just don’t know. She didn’t really say anything.”
“John, man, she’s still here, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So what’s there to worry about?”
“She left last night, Robby. She was gone for like three hours.”
“John, you need to start worrying when she takes off that necklace and doesn’t come back.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“I know I am.”
I reached up and felt the ring on my throat. Robby was right, I was still here. Nick was right, I should just wait and see. The only thing bothering me now was Nick’s other comment. I could only have my cake and eat it too for so long. My stomach began to growl, so I decided to go see when we were stopping.
I yawned and stretched and got out of the bunk. I walked slowly to the front of the moving bus. Mike were cuddled up on a couch. John and Robby were sitting on opposite sides of the table. I sat down next to John.
“Good morning sunshine,” he said sarcastically as he put his arm around me.
“Shut up,” I muttered as I leaned into him. “Are we going to stop for food soon? I’m hungry.”
“Yeah, next restaurant we see, we’re stopping.”
“Good.” I leaned even more of my weight into John. I was vaguely aware of John and Robby discussing something about equipment.
“Wynter, are you asleep again?”
“No, I ‘m not asleep, I’m just not awake either.”
“Oh, okay.” I felt John’s chest rumble with laughter underneath me.
I felt the bus pull to a stop and opened my eyes. We went inside and grabbed a quick meal. We all got back on the bus and headed to Las Vegas.
“John, we should do a little gambling while we’re in Vegas.”
“I don’t have time.”
“Oh come on, it’ll be fun.”
“No.” He got up and went back to the bunks.
“Robby is something wrong with him?”
“I don’t know,” Robby shrugged. I got up and went back to the bunks.
“John?” I said, as I pulled back the curtain.
“What?” I breathed in sharply and spun around. He was laying in the bunk behind me.
“Is something wrong?”
“No.”
“Move over.” He slid to the back of the bunk. I got in and pulled the curtain closed. I rolled onto my side and ran my fingers through John’s hair. “Tell me the truth, what’s wrong?”
“Why did you leave last night?
“Oh baby, is that what’s bothering you?” He nodded yes. “I’m sorry. There was just a lot going on in my head and I needed to think. I just went to a coffee shop to sort some things out, that’s all.”
“Some things? You mean about this,” he lifted his hand and touched the ring.
“Yes.”
“I was afraid I had asked too much.”
“Oh no John, it just freaked me out a little, but I’m okay now. Are you okay?”
“I think so.”
“I hope so.” We laid in the bunk holding each other until we got to Las Vegas. They unloaded our stuff and we went up to our rooms.
“You really don’t want to go do some gambling with me?”
“I wish I could, but I can’t. There were some problems with one of my guitars last night and I need to talk to the guitar tech.”
“Oh. Okay.” I couldn’t have sounded more disappointed if I was a two year old throwing a temper tantrum, but John didn’t seem to notice. He kissed me on the cheek and left. I sat down on the bed and crossed my arms and legs.
One minute he’s worried that I don’t want him and the next he won’t spend a little time having fun with me. Equipment problem or no equipment problem I know it does not take this long to get ready for a show. He is driving me nuts. Well I’m having fun in Vegas with or without him.
I put on an unbelievably revealing little black dress. I grabbed my purse and shoved a room key into it. I sashayed to the elevator and pushed the button. I crossed my legs and swung my purse back and forth, while I watched the little numbers light up above the doors. I heard footsteps approaching behind me.
“Going down?” a deeply masculine voice asked.
“Yes,” I smiled as I turned to look at him. I couldn’t believe it, I was standing face to face with BT. My life appears to be full of chance encounters with rock stars.
“Hi, I’m Brian,” he stuck his hand out to me.
“Hi, I’m Wynter,” I said, shaking his hand.
“Wow, that’s a pretty name.”
“Thank you.”
“You headed down to the casino.”
“Yeah.” The elevator dinged behind me and we got in.
“So, are you here alone?” he asked, after he pushed the floor we wanted and leaned against the wall.
“You could say that, what about you?”
“No, but nobody wanted to go do some gambling.” He looked up at me from under his long, lush eyelashes. “Would you like to do some gambling with me?” I looked at him for a moment and thought about all the reasons why I shouldn’t. Then I realized that I wanted to spend the day with someone and if John found us, well, maybe the jealousy would work to my advantage.
“Sure.” The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Brian offered me his arm and I slipped mine through it. We walked around the casino floor, drinking, gambling, flirting, just in general having a good time. By the time we reached the craps table and I was pretty drunk. I was hanging all over Brian while he was tossing the dice. I was laughing at something stupid he had said when someone grabbed my wrist.
“John, what the fuck?” I said, pulling away.
“We need to talk, now!”
“Ah oh, sounds like someone needs a nap.” I turned to Brian. “Nice to meet you Brian, but it appears that I have to go.” I kissed him on the cheek and turned to follow John.
“Wait, when can I see you again?”
“Probably never.” I followed John into an elevator. I leaned up against the back and he faced the button panel. Once the doors closed, he spun around to face me.
“What the fuck was that?” he said, anger flashing in his eyes.
“God, you are such a fucking buzz kill, you know that,” I said like a defiant child, rolling my eyes.
“What were you just trying to piss me off or were you actually going to fuck him?” John moved directly in front of me and put a hand on the wall above each of my shoulders, so he was towering over me.
“What do you think, John?”
“I don’t know. You’re hot one second, you’re cold the next. How do you think I feel, Wynter?”
“How do you feel? How do you fucking feel! How do I feel, John? The only time you pay attention to me is when you’re upset or you want something. At least I have your attention now.” We inches from one another and our anger was to the point of becoming passion. We kissed suddenly, hard and angry. The elevator doors opened and we rushed down to our room.
John opened the door and we fell through kissing. We tore each other’s clothes off and John threw me back on the bed. He climbed on top of me and pinned my wrists above my head. He stared into my eyes as he thrust into me. It was fierce, possessive sex and it frightened me as much as it turned me on. Afterwards, we just lay there staring at the ceiling, John smoking a cigarette.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
“Me too.” I got out of the bed and took one of his cigarettes out to the balcony. I sat down in the deck chair with the blanket wrapped around me and lit the cigarette. I was breathing now.