Trixie Speed Diva!

Humble Beginnings

Trixie Speed Diva was born North of Dewdney*. She was so north of Dewdney that she needed to gas up the truck and pack a lunch just to visit south of Dewdney.

Trixie grew up on the farm, developing a taste for big slabs of beef and breaking sweaty wild stallions. She also liked eating meat and riding horses.

Trixie devoted her life to the betterment of others. She was voted Christian Leader of the Year four years in a row, but faded from the spotlight after a tragic barn fire while rehearsing her "flaming hoop" dance routine for the talent competition of the 4H Rodeo Queen Pageant.

Trixie discovered her super-powers in her late teens. She first used her "absorber" power accidentally while competing in the North Fordbattle Regional Professional Rodeo. Trixie was left stunned and speechless as she absorbed 600 pound champion riding bull, Pickles, before the eight seconds was up.

Trixie decided that such a gift should be shared with as many men -- oh, I mean 'people' -- as possible, for the good of mankind. So she packed up her five championship bull-riding belt buckles into the back of her fuschia double-extended wide-cab four-by-four and headed south to Regina.

Babe in the City

Trixie moved to a quiet little duplex in the north-east side, within easy walking distance of a Tacotime and the local redneck bar, "The Oil Pump". She started spreading fabulousness by hosting sex-toy parties in her kitchen, and performing Dixie Chicks tunes at the local club. It was there that she met super-fabulous Iona.

Iona was blessed with the awesome penetrator power, making the two super-fabulous super-heroes a perfect team. They soon added Undetermined Fat Queen (hey, everything fabulous comes in packs of three -- Ho-ho's, peanut-butter cups, "angels", etc.). U.F.Q. didn't have a super-power, but she was great at cleaning wigs, so Trixie and Iona welcomed her with open arms.

And thus, the Speed Divas were created, and the story begins...

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* In Regina, "North of Dewdney" refers to a magical realm where time seems to have stopped in the late-eighties. Acid-wash is still in, and women still believe that bangs were meant to be feathered back or pushed up into a satellite-dish-like crest above the forehead. Standard dress North of Dewdney is an "AC/DC" t-shirt (or "Vixen" for the ladies), a black leather jacket and a black leather purse festively decorated with fringe and a purple rabbit's foot keychain (holding the keys to your black trans am with a gold eagle stencilled on the hood). Very few fabulous people claim to be descended from North of Dewdney -- Trixie being one of the rare examples.

Iona Speed Diva!

Iona... she's fat

Iona was born in a little town called Croak. She was a shy and soft-spoken child, forever buried in her books or creating a new dance routine. She was a heavy child, voted "Most Likely to Still Be Fat in Ten Years" in her high school yearbook. At the tender age of eighteen, she joined SaskExcess, a travelling variety show featuring sequinned costumes and group choreography. There she learned contort her body in thousands of positions to the beat of 60's music. Her high energy routines, acrobatics, and her performances at SaskExcess helped Iona lose her extra pounds and drop to a weight just over Trixie's.

One day, while rehearsing the "double toe over the shoulder lift and throw with a two cheek landing" for her "Best of Elvis, But He's Dead, Dontchya Know" show, Iona awoke her superpower, the penetrator. Iona blew a hole through the set, showing the front six rows in shreds of blue suede and confused background dancers. Devastated, Iona left SaskExcess, only returning intermittently to boink any new chorusmembers.

But Iona still needed an outlet for her art. So she found the Club, where she performed Destiny's Spawn numbers under the bright Saturday night disco lights. It was there that she met Trixie, and the Speed Divas were created.

Undetermined Fat Queen!

An Enigma Wrapped in a Mystery...
a Whole Lotta Mystery

No one knows exactly where the U.F.Q. came from. U.F.Q. is good at washing wigs, but her true super-power is still unknown.

Raisin Queen

With her Dark Rum of Unfabulousness, Raisin Queen spreads evil from her lair, the Big Onion. Raisin believes that she is the sketchiest person in the world, and will fight for that title.

Raisin Queen wields the dreaded Dark Rum of Unfabulousness and she can teleport in a puff of smoke.

She was absorbed by Trixie after unsuccessfully trying to reclaim the title of "sketchiest of them all", and then released when Trixie absorbed too much evil for her own good. Raisin's current whereabouts are unknown, but she was kind of a lame evil-doer, and we may never see her puckered puss again.

Boom Boom Laroooo

Boom Boom is an aspiring actress who fought Trixie for the part of the new Sue Ellen in the remake of Dallas. Her superpower is the almighty Bitchslap. Unfortunately, it proved no match for Trixie Speed Diva, and Boom Boom was absorbed.

Boom Boom has escaped, but again, laaaaaaame evil-doer. Say goodbye, Mary. You'll never see Boom Boom again.

Shooter Boy

A young man imbued with the amazing power to serve shooters, Shooter Boy helped the Speed Divas defeat the Nipple-Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls and their boss, Nana Kaholic. Trixie and Shooter Boy are the only superheroes known to wield the awesome Absorber power.

Shooter Boy is the Diva's spy, and sometimes dons the sunglasses and facial hair of his alter-ego, Hooter Boy (Hetero Hero).

The Nipple-Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls

Identical twins always seen only in silhouette, the Nipple-Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls are a double threat with the powers of teleportation and unfabulous mind control. While these powers make them quite formidable opponents, they have an acute weakness for improperly mixed shooters.

The Nipple-Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls are still at large. And did I mention that they're kinda lame too? Yah, I would be surprised if we ever saw them again. I mean, their weakness is booze, and we're pitting them against a Shooter Boy with a fully-loaded tray of shots, and Trixie, fully-loaded with gin?

Nana Kaholic

Nana was Trixie's classmate from preschool to high school. Trixie's constant taunts and jests eventually forced Nana to turn to alcohol for support. Nana eventually turned her life around through the AATA (Alcoholics Against Trixie Anonymous), and became the power behind the Nipple Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls. Nana's superpower is the alcohol-burning Ray of Sobriety.

Nana was absorbed by the combined power of Trixie and Shooter Boy, but eventually escaped, and formed the Union of Nasty Freaks And Bitches (UNFAB) with Anna Steezya and Feria Pomade.

Boris TaTeerz

Equipped with needle-like fingers full of anesthetic, Boris causes his victims to fall asleep. Boris teamed up with Anna Steezya to break up the Speed Divas so he could hire UFQ as his domestic help.

Boris starved to death after being locked in a closet by UFQ.

Anna Steezya

Anna's blind hatred of the Speed Divas led her to team up with Boris TaTeerz and eventually break up the our super-drag trio. Anna's condescending attitude was what made UFQ snap and return to the Trixie and Iona. Anna's superpower is the unique ability to cause boredom and eventually unconsciousness by constantly relating stories about herself.

Anna was defeated in combat with UFQ, but eventually teamed up with Nana Kaholic and Feria Pomade to form the Union of Nasty Freaks And Bitches (UNFAB) under the leadership of (C)Harley.

Whoo-John Van Der Klod Dammit

Whoo-John met Iona while she took a breather from helping Trixie on the set of Dallas. A whirlwind romance ensued, resulting in their marriage and inevitable divorce. All the while maintaining his heterosexuality, Whoo-John found a fulfilling career in gay porn. With the money he made, he returned to stardom by buying out all film companies, tv networks, and music studios. Whoo-John was defeated by a bunch of bananas hurled by Iona. He has returned to gay porn and is no longer an entertainment magnate.

Toy Betz

Toy was the bartender at the Pains Bar and Brunch.

He served booze.

He was overcome by the Starborg coffee company.

He was summarily soaked in gin and set ablaze.

Hotsta Trotsky

Hotsta was Whoo-John's super-strong mail-order bride from Russia. She died tragically after falling eighty stories out of Whoo-John's office window to the street below. Although never formally charged, Iona's story about accidentally hurling a dining room set at Hotsta was initially believed by the judge. Only after an hour-long session in the judges private chambers did Iona convince him that she was innocent of all charges.

Feria Pomade

Feria owns a wig shop in the sketchy east end of Regina. She kidnapped UFQ and chained her to a wig-washing sink. Forced to spend all day washing wigs without a break, UFQ shed her hundreds of unwanted pounds and was barely recognizable when Trixie and Iona came to save her. After a brief brawl in the shop's back room, Feria was absorbed by Trixie.

Feria escaped, and with Nana Kaholic and Anna Steezya, formed the Union of Nasty Freaks And Bitches (UNFAB) under the watchful guidance of (C)Harley.

Pixie Trans Am

The evil side of Trixie, Pixie took over when Trixie had absorbed waaay too much evil for even her superbody to take. Pixie manifested the powers of all the evil supervillains that Trixie had absorbed. Pixie was only defeated when all the evil superpowers were messily expelled. The newly-freed evil regrouped to form the axis of evil known as UNFAB.

U.N.F.A.B.

The Union of Nasty Freaks and Bitches is the super-unfabulous anti-heroes and rivals of the Speed Divas. UNFAB consists of Trixie's nemesis, Nana Kaholic, the stronger-than-Iona Feria Pomade, and the annoying, UFQ-sized Anna Steezya. They were formed by the mysterious (C)Harley, a man of dark, unknown powers and motivations.

Tess T. Bitch

Shooter Boy's ex-wife, Tess disrupted UFQ's wedding to reclaim Shooter Boy. Other than a daring corset-and-fishnets ensemble, Tess' superpowers include wings (no, she can't fly) and a mysterious ability to animate belts to do her bidding.