Episode Guide

Episode 1 - Trouble at the Trailer

The very first episode ever, where Trixie, Iona, and U.F.Q. must fight the evil and super-unfabulous Raisin Queen and her unfabulous dark rum of unfabulousness. Will the Speed Divas survive? Will they defeat their enemy? Will that ugly white stain in Trixie's wig come out? All that and more answered in Episode 1 - Trouble at the Trailer (well, except for that ugly white stain thing... I just made that up).

Episode 2 - The Trixie Strikes Back

They left you desperately clinging to the edge of your sanity (and your seats) in Episode 1 - Trouble at the Trailer. Now watch as Trixie, Iona, and U.F.Q. return to strike back at Raisin Queen and her unfabulous dark rum of unfabulousness. Will Trixie recover? Can Iona defeat Raisin Queen by herself? What the heck is an absorber? Check it out in Episode 2 - The Trixie Strikes Back!

Episode 3 - Nipple Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls

Introducing the most evil pair of super-villians since the Olsen twins -- the Nipple Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls! Watch in horror as they unleash their powers upon our heroes. Who controls them? What could they possibly do to break up the Speed Divas? Why doesn't someone pull UFQ off the ceiling fan? Find out in Episode 3 - Nipple Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls.

Episode 4 - Straight Shooter

The Nipple Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls have broken up the Speed Divas! Is this the end of the Speed Divas? Will Iona get a critically-acclaimed but eventually "doomed because it lacks the spirit of the original" spin-off series? What beverage does Trixie turn to in her all-consuming grief? (hint: rhymes with "modka".) Find out in Episode 4- Straight Shooter.

Episode 5 - Straight Shooter Part Two - "You Aim, I'll Fire!"

Well, the Nipple Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls have been the villains du jour now for three straight episodes. So... in the immortal words of Margaret Thatcher, "BITCHES GOIN' DOWN!" (or was that Indira Ghandi -- I get them confused). Will Iona stop eating her way to a size 34? Will we be spared from any more torch classics via U.F.Q.? Will Trixie ever get a really good buzz going? Find out in Episode 5 - Straight Shooter Part Two "You Aim, I'll Fire!".

Episode 6 - Q.O.F.E. (The Candidate Show)

(March 31, 2002) Welcome to the Queen of (rhymes with "Plucking") Everything Pageant! The Speed Divas are a shoe-in to win first place - but Boris TaTeerz and Anna Steezya have different plans! What number will the Speed Divas do to clinch top spot? What nefarious plans do Boris and Anna have? Why does Iona look like she got caught head first in a cotton candy machine? Let the show begin!

Episode 7 - That Nebulous Period Between Episodes 6 and 8 Where Nothing Much Happens

(April 30, 2002) Okay Mary, like all that happens in this episode is a conversation between Boris, Anna, and UFQ, and then another conversation between Trixie and Iona. Like, bear with us, this is all background and leads up to Episode 8: Q.O.F.E. (The Rematch).

Episode 8 - Q.O.F.E. The Rematch

(May 31, 2002) Have Anna Steezya and Boris TaTeerz won? Are the Speed Divas old news? Iona has secured a rematch, but can they win with unconditioned hair, while they fight back the demons of sobriety?

Find out in the exciting extra-long NINE PAGE mother-humper extended remix version of the Speed Divas - Episode 8 - Q.O.F.E. The Rematch!

Episode 9 - Steer As Folk

(July 1, 2002) Quick, name the gayest show on TV, ever. Okay, other than QAF. You got it... DALLAS! And guess who fancies herself the next Sue Ellen? None other than that Best Little Whore (house) Not In Texas herself, Trixie Speed Diva. Will Trixie get the part? Will her hair be big enough for an 80's show set in Texas? Will she get past the border with her sniping rifle in hand? Find out in Episode 9 - Steer As Folk (okay, honestly, not all those questions are answered in this Episode... you may have to wait until Episode 10 for some stuff... it's like one of those "To Be Continued" things, Mary).

Episode 10 - Homo on the Range

(July 31, 2002) The Speed Divas have made it across the border. But now that they're in looneyland, will Trixie get the part she was born to play? Who is the eighties nightmare who wants to see Trixie fail? Will they all get back to Canada alive? All this and more in Episode Ten: Homo on the Range!

Episode 11 - Who's That Guuurrrrl?

(August 31, 2002) Something unfabulous is happening in the south end -- someone is giving mullets (like, worse than Billy-Ray mullets) to unsuspecting victims in the south end, and UFQ was the latest casualty! Can the Speed Divas save the day?

Episode 12 - Shot To Heck

(September 26, 2002) Trixie's role as the adorable booze-lover next door is threatened by the presence of the wow-did-we-just-jump-the-shark new character, Shooter Boy. Which beverage will Trixie turn to in her dismay? In the face of the super-unfabulous arch enemies, can Shooter Boy's powers prevail?

Episode 13 - Sober In Saskatchewan

(October 31st, 2002) When we last saw our heroes, they were on the way to the trailer to try and figure out who is making their lives so unfabulous. Who is the evil superpower behind the Nipple Ridin' Naked Mudflap girls? Why does she hate the Speed Divas so much? At what age did Trixie take up smoking? All this and more answered in Episode 13 - Sober In Saskatchewan!

Episode 14 - To Whoo-John, Thanks For Nothing - Part One "Iona's Big Adventure"

(November 30th, 2002) Iona's ex-husband, Whoo-John Vander Klod Dammit has taken over the entertainment industry, so bad torch songs and campy sitcoms are everywhere! How can the Speed Divas get to Hollywood with no cash? What beverage does Trixie turn to in her dismay? What happened to that hunka-hunka-burnin' inkspot, Shooterboy? He was like, totally written out of this one... email the writer and complain Mary.

Episode 15 - To Whoo-John, Thanks For Nothing - Part Two "The Moulin Booze"

(December 31st, 2002) Iona's ex-husband, Whoo-John Vander Klod Dammit has taken over the entertainment industry, so bad torch songs and campy sitcoms are everywhere! While Iona goes to square off against her old beau, Trixie and UFQ rush to California to return fabulousness to the movies, tv, and music. But are they any match for TV wrestling and SoLean Peon?

Episode 16 - To Whoo-John, Thanks For Nothing - Part Three "From Russia With Lunch"

(January 31st, 2003) Iona's ex-husband, Whoo-John Vander Klod Dammit has taken over the entertainment industry, so bad torch songs and campy sitcoms are everywhere! Iona has decided to face her ex head on at his corporate headquarters. But can she get past the secretary, bodyguards, and his new wife?

Episode 17 - Dragnapped!

(February 28, 2003) UFQ is gone! Where did she go? Did she go willingly? Did that rancid odour leave with her? Will Trixie and Iona be able to find her in the double-wide? Find out in Episode 17: Dragnapped!

Episode 18 - The Fast and the Fabulous

(March 31, 2003) UFQ is gone! Can Trixie and Iona figure out who "byf" is in time to save UFQ? What tools of fabulousness to they have at their disposal? What exactly is the Trixiecave, and why is Iona hesitant to explore it? Find out in Episode 18: The Fast and the Fabulous!

Episode 19 - Fashionably Late

(May 10, 2003) For the first time ever, the Speed Divas are late. The illustrator apologizes profusely. No time to write a complex and meaningful teaser -- blah blah blah UFQ blah blah blah boxes of hair blah blah blah edible panties -- done.

Episode 20 - Enter the Pixie Part One: Breakfast at Trixie's

(May 30, 2003) Something's wrong at Trixie's trailer. She has unfabulous hair, refuses gin and even (gasp) orders a DARK RUM! What happened to Trixie? How can Iona fix it? How much can UFQ eat? All this and more answered in Episode 20 - Enter the Pixie Part One: Breakfast at Trixie's!

Episode 21 - Enter the Pixie Part Two: Fix the Tranny, Change the Oil and Empty the Trunk

(July 1, 2003) Trixie has absorbed too much evil and turned into the dreaded Pixie Trans Am! How can Iona and UFQ defeat this force of unfabulousness that has the strength of four supervillains? Where will they run to for help? Why does UFQ feel like playing cards whenever she passes by a biker bar? All this and more answered in the thrilling conclusion to Enter the Pixie!

Episode 22 - U.N.F.A.B. Part One: "To Catch a Mocking Boy"

(August 5th, 2003) Free of Trixie's Absorber power, the three mistresses of mayhem, Nana Kaholic (she puts the "bad" in "bad-ass"), Anna Steezya (she puts the "ass" in "bad-ass"), and Feria Pomade (she puts bad things in other people's asses), have gathered to plot their revenge against the Speed Divas. But who is their faceless leader? Why do they need a fourth for their trio of terror? What the heck is a hetero hero? All this and a whole swackload more in Speed Divas Episode 22 - U.N.F.A.B. Part One: "To Catch a Mocking Boy"!

Episode 23 - U.N.F.A.B. Part Two: "On a Wig and a Prayer"

(August 29, 2003) Trixie, Iona, and UFQ head off to church to stop the furious fallen angels known as U.N.F.A.B.! Will they make it in time to save Shooter Boy? Can they defeat three super-baddies at once? What beverage does Trixie turn to in this time of need? (Hint: Rhymes with "Sin and Tonic".) All this and more in Speed Divas Episode 23 - U.N.F.A.B. Part Two: "On a Wig and a Prayer"!

Episode 24 - Speed Divas the Next Gin-eration

(October 5, 2003) Something has happened at the Pains Bar and Brunch! The booze and stale cigaratte smell have been replaced by coffee and the undeniably tempting aroma of roasted espresso beans. Can the Speed Divas thwart the powerful evil that has crept into their town? Find out in Speed Divas Episode 24 - Speed Divas the Next Gin-eration!

Episode 25 - Wild Albertan Cougars

(November 15, 2003) Okay, for the second time ever, the Speed Divas are late. But this time it's NOT the artist's fault. Uh uh Mary, point that shameful little finger of blame at the writer this time. Oh yah, she couldn't even come up with a good excuse -- she's all like, "Well, wild Albertan cougars invaded my apartment and drank all my booze" and so we're all like, "oh sure Mary, have another snort," and she's all like "you dissin' me, jerkface?" and we're all like "BRING IT ON MARY, BRING IT ON!". Anyways, we quietly finished the rest of our tea and agreed to disagree.

So, like where were we? Oh yah, Toy has been Starborged, and the girls are widemouthed with fear.

Like, wild Albertan cougars? Reeeeeeally.

Episode 26 - The Prologue

(December 5, 2003) Girl, and you thought episode 7 was a bit rough -- this one is nothing but dialogue. No blown up buildings, no trixiemobile, not even a high kick from Iona. We had trouble fitting in all the text (had to shove the girls to the side of every panel). So, like, this is all building up to the next episode, which I'm sure will be ever-so-fabulous and will include more than just words. Trust me, it'll get better -- once you get over the first painful push, it's nothing but pleasure.

Episode 27 - It's My Party and You'll Die If I Want To

(February 1, 2004) Alrightie, so the writer was late again, and the artist took two weeks off to party in Moose Jaw and Winnipeg... so we just skipped over January. Which made this entire "Holiday Special" Speed Divas kind of late and pointless. Oh well. Happy New Queer.

Episode 28 - My Big Fat Gay Wedding

(March 1, 2004) As you have deduced by the title of this episode, someone's gettin' hitched! Who could it be? Who could have a big fat wedding? Who, I ask, who? Ohmigawdpourmeavodkathetensioniskillinme!

Episode 29 - Two Weddings, Your Funeral

(April 7, 2004) She was goin' to the chapel and she was gonna get ma-a-aried. But what happened to the groom? Can the Speed Divas find him? Will UFQ get hitched or just get hooped? Find out in Episode 29 - Two Weddings, Your Funeral, starring the newest face of evil, Tess T. Bitch.

Episode 30 - Untitled

(May 7, 2004) And this is the four page ending to the tale of Tess T. Bitch.

The Intermission

(June 20, 2004) Is this the end of the Divas?

Episode 31 - Lift, Separate, Divide & Conquer!

(July 16, 2005) Okay, y'all, I finally got all my ducks in a row, and the Divas are back in the game. Now, I'm tryin' a little sumpthin' sumpthin' new, and doing it all in Macromedia Freehand, and it is takin' me for-frikkin-ever, so I'm going to upload the episode one page at a time as I get them done. And if it turns out really fabulous, then I'm going to get this episode printed so y'all can have a copy of your very own to love, cherish, and hide under your pillow so your boyfriend won't find it. Okay, now on to the Divas -- when we last saw our Thtupendous Threesome, they parted ways and called it quits. This kind of picks up a year later. Start reading the comic Mary, I'm getttin' tired of typing...