My  story

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My story on how depression took over my life and held me hostage

May 9, the day before Mother's Day; I lost my job, which I have been working at for the past 2 years. The store closed down. I have been having trouble concentrating on my schoolwork lately, this started back in January and the trouble seems to be slowly increasing. I seem to be having mild mood swings, I can be happy one minute; but the next minute I can be rude and mean. These do not occur very often, however.

June, 1997 (taken from my journal)

I found a new job; thanks to this guy I have been dating on-and-off since February, Valentine's Day. There is something wrong with me, my concentration is getting worse, I don't seem to be motivated to do homework or study for exams. What's wrong with me?

July, 1997

Having problems at work, I am in a bad situation here. It is very disorganized. I seem to be doing well with the guy, he calls me every day. Having persistant family problems, this has been going on for the past 5 years. I am starting to have problems sleeping; I am awake all night and sleep during the day until it's time for me to go to work at 2pm. The mood swings are becoming more frequent, and I have lost my appetite. What's happening to me?

August-September, 1997

Having a real problem keeping up with classes and work. Decided to quit work in September. The guy I have been dating is starting to not want to be around me. I know he can tell something is not right with me. I consider him my best friend, I am having doubts that I should have even started dating him in the first place. All I wanted was a friend, when we stop dating I don't know what's going to happen.

October, 1997

He moved to to another city, 1 hour north of where I live. I did not really want to maintain the relationship, I was ready for a friend. But I did not tell him, because he said he wanted to keep dating. 29 October, 1997. I was involved in a terrible car accident; it was my fault. My car was totaled and I took a trip to the ER. My seat belt failed to catch me, and I had a concussion, tore up my knees, and damaged nerves in my tongue. (I bit it during impact). My failure to concentrate caused the accident. I started to feel "depressed."

November-December, 1997

I cannot sleep at all, now. I am unable to concentrate on anything. I am doing terrible in my classes. I cry every day and every night. My friend that moved said that he would be there for me, but I know he doesn't understand. I try to reach out to him, but I know he does not know how to handle it. He avoids me because of whatever is happening to me, which distresses me more. I don't understand what's happening myself. What the hell is happening to me? The mood swings now come much more often, and are beginning to get very violent. I lose self-control, and that scares me. What if I do something crazy? I have lost 20 lbs. in the past few months. Food is tasteless. I cannot think straight. I am scared to drive for fear that I will have another break in my concentration.

January, 1998

After the persistent, violent mood swings kept getting worse, random thoughts of death, and exactly 1 hour of sleep on Christmas night (1997), I knew that I needed help. In early January I talked with my family and my Dad helped me set up an appointment with a therapist. So on 20 January, 1997, I went to see her. She recommended that I also see a M.D. to get me on medication to help relieve my symptoms.

February-March, 1998

The 1st medication I tried was Zoloft, which I developed an allergic reaction to. So then I tried Serzone, which gave me migraine headaches. At that point, my symptoms kept getting worse and worse, and the doctor could not find an effective medication that had little side effects. I began to be consumed by the thought that my life was not worth living. Thoughts of death and suicide became prevalent; that's all I could think about.

April, 1998

Then I tried Neurontin, which is used to treat bipolar disorder. But when I began to feel better, I lost my insurance because my number of office visits exceeded the number alloted to me by my insurance company. So I went deeper into my depressive tailspin. This time, it was worse than ever. I felt so alone, I wanted to reach out to someone, but I did not know who or how. I was faced with the realization that I had no medication or therapist to help, which was what I so desperately needed. Thoughts of suicide became all-consuming and crippling.

1 May, 1998

That evening, I showed up at a friend's doorstep with tears welling in my eyes. I told her how I was having thoughts of suicide, and how the thoughts took over me 24 hours a day. I told her that I did not trust myself being alone; for fear that I would go into a mood swing, get violent, and destroy something or try to hurt myself. I cried for hours there and I stayed there late that night talking to her. She told me that first thing in the morning, I was to come over to her house and she would go with me to the Cumberland County Mental Health Center. We went, and even though I felt hopeless and wanted to die; I knew going there was the right thing to do.

2 May, 1998

I went to the health center that morning, but because I did, I missed my final microbiology exam and failed the course. But I did the right thing going to the center; I wanted to roll over and just die that day.

Mid-May, 1998

I have been feeling much better; the most recent medication (Paxil) has done wonders. I feel so much relief now; I can see some light in the distant darkness.

30 May, 1998

I am feeling more and more like my old self with each passing day. I still have moments of depression, but the thoughts and feelings do not eat me alive as they did from November to early May. I got a new counselor and I feel that I am being helped greatly by finally having the right medication. Everything seems to be going ok now. After a year of wondering, "what is happening to me?" I finally feel good and have a genuine smile on my face.........

update July 1998

Now that I have gotten away from all the family problems that have been going on at home, I seem to be feeling much better. I feel a sense of relief; the sense of not having uncontrollable chronic stress everyday that I was home. I moved to a new city and am now trying to put my life back together. Right now I am just taking all of my new surroundings in. Things seem so great now. I just hope there is not a big let-down once I get settled in.

update 30 August 1998

Now that I can think with a clear and focused mind; I have been thinking a lot about what happened to me during the depression. In particular, what made me suicidal. During the deepest part of the depression, what broke my patience was not the suffering itself, but not knowing exactly WHY I suffered. Sometimes it seems to me that I was going through all that shit for a reason. Well, I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if the only purpose is for us to gain experiences through our trials and to help confort others that may have similar experiences. As a human race, we all must try to understand each other and not condemn each other. For the end of the human race will come to pass if every person succumbs to his/her individual needs and does not help other fellow humans grow and maintain the emotional and mental spirit that is so vital to our survival.

update 3 October 1998

Lately it seems that I am having a hard time picking up and putting all the pieces back together--pieces that shattered like a gunshot through glass when the depression was at its worst. The inspiration and motivation has been fading painfully slow these past few months. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever really fully put all of this behind me...sometimes I still get overwhelmed by a feeling that nothing is worth the fight to maintain. I know not to believe everything that I feel, so hopefully this feeling will pass; too. I don't want anybody's help; I don't want anybody's pity. I do want all of this stupid pain to end. oh damn. not again.

update 2 December 1998

I guess that I am feeling a little better now, but I still have my moments of despair that I sometimes cannot seem to shake away... but I think everything is gonna be okay... this is turning into a longer struggle than I thought it would be.

update 10 January 1999

The holidays have come and gone. Thinking back, I am in much better shape than this time last year. Still, though, suicidal thoughts sometimes persist. It's not something that I am planning or even want to do; I don't know why or how those thoughts get in my head. What I do know, is suicide is such a waste.

update 31 March 1999

In January 1999, I took myself off Paxil. A few weeks later, the beast was slowly returning. I tried to fight it without meds, but I just kept getting worse and worse. Around valentine's day I decided that I could not go on like this. Every time I get an episode of major depression, it is worse than the time before. I almost surrendered my life the last time---this time would probably be worse. I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die. So I went back to the doc and they immediately put me back on meds. They told me that I should probably stay on meds for the rest of my life. I was discouraged at the news, but now I realize that the meds improve my quality of life. Right now I feel great. Life seems to be content; not easy, though. Although I'm feeling better, every day I still have to take that little pink pill that reminds me of the hell of living and wishing that death would bring an end to the pain.

update 17 May 1999

Ever since I've been back on meds, I have been feeling pretty freakin' fine. I still have mixed feelings about these damn meds, but if I'm not feeling down or suicidal, then the Paxil must be doing something right. This must what it feels like to be "normal."

update 18 July 1999

I am still taking Paxil, and I must say that I am still feeling good. This summer is the happiest that I have ever been in my life. I feel young and alive (which is a pretty damn strange feeling for me).

update 08 August 1999

I went off my meds for a few days just to see what would happen. I know better than to do that, but my curiousity had overwhelmed rational thinking. Anyways, after 3 days of being "clean", I experienced dizziness, nausea, and positive suicide ideation. So, yep--I'm back on the Paxil (for life). Sometimes I feel like a damn heroin addict. Seems like I need the drug just to function, and when I don't get the drug, I go through some major withdrawal.

update 24 October 1999

In September, I had a little problem with my insurance company. The result was that I had to go off meds for about a week, so I had major withdrawal. When I got back on the meds, I went into a hypomanic episode. I've not been feeling like myself; but feeling pretty damn good nonetheless....

The feeling of really being lost, of having really lost all your bearings, is frightening. You feel alone, forsaken, anxious. Lately it seems that I have felt the gray emptiness of the inner lining of loneliness. No one is immune. I don't care who you are or how mature you are. Loneliness is simply part of the human predicament. It comes with love's territory. When you are truly lonely, simple cosmetics don't work. You can't pretend that you're okay. Let your heart be thrashed and rearranged. Don't just tidy up. Let go. Make real contact with yourself. Light the fire. Bomb the blockades to your heart. The most dangerous journey is the journey inward.

--Dr. Tim Hansel, 1991