301) Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood.
302) If any man or monster is pursuing you with a weapon, run screaming blindly through the woods and hope to God the creature is deaf.
303) If an odd and unexpected fog bank suddenly rolls into town, leave immediately.
304) Do not EVER look in mirrors. Not only will it cause permanent psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous monster/demon/mutant/corpse/vampire), it will show you doing the kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you were actually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to do these things all your life but just didn't know it). Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things, the hideous monster/demon/corpse/vampire will sneak up on you.
305) Never wear a badge. You will defiantly die within ten minutes.
306) Choose your friends and relatives wisely. Good choices: chaste teenage girls, any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited above), good dogs, younger assistants to world-famous scientists. Bad choices: security guards, law-enforcement and other municipal officials, teachers/professors, executives of companies with questionable environmental/scientific practices, psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology, obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls, and of course promiscuous teenage girls.
307) No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it it can appear in any part of town, no matter how big the town is.
308) If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid, as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/dislocate some part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster.
309) If you go camping with your girlfriend and you have to piss, don't go 2 miles in the dark forest because you will die and the monster will follow your trail and kill your girlfriend too.
310) Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away...
311) If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be someone in that room, leave the house ASAP.
312) If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest town, don't go ‘cause as soon as you'll cross the bridge, it will fall or be demolished by an evil spirit.
313) If someone screams "None of you know what’s really going on 'round here" then listen to them.
314) If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it.
315) If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.
316) It's a safe bet that the man who your mom brought home is going to, at some point, try to kill you - so kill him first.
317) The annoying nerdy kid who, "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good new is he'll also be the first to die.
318) If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once.
319) If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene.
320) When your flashlight batteries die, and they will, so will you.
321) Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.
322) Never, ever buy anything at an antique store, no matter how much the creepy owner offers to take off the price.
323) Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so be quick and keep your eyes closed.
324) Don't waste valuable time digging up the grave of your dead child, it's safe to assume the coffin is either empty or contains the remains of some strange animal.
325) If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a 97.89% chance your flybait!
326) Try to avoid going into fruit cellars of old abandoned cabins
327) If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next 10 won't work either!
328) Don't go burying your dead pets in foreign cemeteries, because if it didn't work for the Creeds, it sure as hell won't work for you.
329) If an Irish midget is chasing you around and is rambling something about his gold, be a good man and give the guy his damn coin, because, though it may protect you from bodily harm, the midget may just kill your friends and family instead, so give him his coin and everyone will be happy.
330) Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen.
331) If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hell away FROM it.
332) Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other. If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you, and the Grim Reaper will hand you your one-way ticket to the realm beyond.
333) Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat...
334) Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong. In fact, don't repeat it right either. Burn the damned book and go bye-bye as fast as possible.
335) If you ever find yourself in an area with a lot of flesh eating zombies. And there are crazy, living people wanting to make a lot of noise, don't disturb them. Better them then you. But if the zombies come after you (like in Night of the Living Dead) shoot or hit them in the head, or set them on fire. If all else fails, run like hell away from them. Don't go back for a friend if he's bitten, he's a goner.
336) Never, ever use a ouija board alone!! If you do use a board by yourself, Do Not use it in a house that was occupied by an ax murderer.
337) Never, never, never go by yourself to investigate a strange noise coming from the: basement, attic, or any dark room without a full company of the National Guard
338) If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.
339) If you can't drive a moped, don't try; otherwise, you might find yourself in a Robert England film.
340) If you have friends who had the same bad dream as you expect them all to die. Also if your mom shows you a glove with knives for fingers, proceed to kill the guy who owned those before his death. Then just don’t come back for the 3rd movie in the series, he will get you.
341) If you were ever in anyway related to anyone named Myers, avoid Smith's Grove, Haddonfield, IL, men in black with tattoos of Norse runes on their wrist, and guys named Michael with a white mask on. Also if you run into the guy named Michael and "kill him" he will get back almost as soon as you let your guard down.
342) If you end up in a town with no kids and crazy adults don’t drive a van, don’t go to any houses on Elm street and fall asleep, and don’t trust people wearing Red and green stripes or bladed gloves, they really are burned up killers.
343) If you happen upon small New Jersey towns with lake or forest in the name avoid the wilderness, avoid the lake, avoid camps of any kind. Stay in the main part of town and always believe people named "Crazy Ralph" or who carry eyeballs, or who are a deck hand, and always people who call the aforementioned camps "Camp Blood". Especially on Friday the 13th.
344) When entering a room, close the door, as it will close by it self if you don't and some monster will enter through another door. Of course, destroying the door would be the best option.
345) When something dead and rotten starts to move towards you with the intention to eat you, run like hell. Don't stay around to see how fast they move...
346) If someone you know looks pale and has the urge to eat your brain, don't let them. This will cause some nasty side effects.
347) When you hear someone cutting lumber in the middle of Texas in the middle of the night, don't stay to see what kind of chainsaw they use.
348) Remember, you don't find your friends quicker if you split up.
349) Sex in haunted houses may be kinky but not safe.
350) When you think "this place is spoooky" it probably is.
351) If you find out that any of your ancestors were burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft, by no means should you EVER:
a) move into his old house,
b) study any of his experiments or works,
c) dig up his grave,
d) not immediately burn your family tree and any record of his existence; or he will invariably possess you, kill you, and take over your persona!
352) If your roommate at med school develops a reagent for re-animating the dead immediately drop out! Pursue a career in fast food-- anything, but by all means never, EVER, lock yourselves in a basement/morgue/vault when you test it on a dead body. Refrain from testing it on more than one body at a time and DO NOT let failed experiments escape!
353) If you permit failed re-animation experiments to escape (by disregarding the previous tip) they will undoubtedly group together and come after you with tools!
354) If you absolutely must experiment with re-animating the dead, never try to create the perfect woman from various womanly parts and by no means should you give her the heart of your dead girlfriend with hopes of having her back! In this instance it is much better to have loved and lost and forgotten about the whole mess...
355) If your mother has recently been bitten by a rat monkey and has just eaten your girlfriend’s dog, SHOOT HER!
356) If your daughter, son, or any acquaintance of yours pukes pea soup in your face when you say "hello!", that person is possessed, and should be dealt with in an appropriate manner!
357) If your hand becomes possessed, and you do manage to cut it off before it kills you, throw it in the microwave for a half hour, don’t put it in a waste basket, as it will break free, probably give you the finger, run inside your walls, and kill the prodigy child before she can send the demons back to hell, the forest or wherever they came from!
358) If you have a Krite problem, let the bounty hunters blow them up, as they will only eat every ounce of flesh on your body and do obscene things with your skeletal remains if you don't!
359) Don't worry if people shun you for some hobby of yours, 'cause it'll come in handy later on.
360) Destroy your closet, and saw the legs of your beds, that way, the monsters can only come after you via doors and windows.
361) If you are a rotten, spoiled, stuck-up little kid who "doesn't believe in monsters" expect to believe by the end of the movie. In fact, you will be made to believe in a terrifying experience when you see the monster.
362) If you are the best friend of the star of the movie, LEAVE IMMEDIATLY or expect to be killed and/or taken over by the monster/demon to be used as bait.
363) If you seem to have "psychic" abilities and you and your family are taking care of a very old hotel in the dead of winter, and your father starts acting weird, don't "call" your friend, JUST LEAVE! Do NOT depend on the caretaker of the hotel to help you because he will be intercepted by your possessed father.
364) Clowns are bad. They are NOT funny and nice! If you continue to see a clown over and over again, DO NOT approach it or your parents. Your parents won't believe you and the clown will be prompted to action. Just run away, far away.
365) If you happen to like the paranormal and have spent your entire life dedicated to finding a certain ghost/monster/relic/demon, expect to die a horrible death after facing your goal. You will die because the writers figured you have no life and the audience won't like you.
366) If you are the mean "popular" boy at school or the stuck up snob cheerleader when strange happenings begin to occur, do not expect to live long. People want the sleazy to die.
367) Grumpy, cranky old men have a 50/50 chance of survival. Either you will be violently put out of your misery or you will redeem yourself by coming to your senses in the last 10 minutes of the movie to help stop the monster.
368) If you are the sheriff's daughter, DO NOT form an emotional bond with your father and leave town as fast as you can. You will be the target of the monster and your father will die and eventually used as bait against you.
369) If a meteor crash lands nearby, please do not go and "check it out" especially if you are a drunken, horny teenager. Something oily and seethy will take care of you.
370) If a slow-walking villain (who never runs) is chasing you outside, DON'T run into a house where you lose your advantage! Stay outside and run down the middle of the street, not on the sidewalk next to the dark, shadowy bushes where he can jump out and get you!
371) If you are a smart, shy girl and a villain is going around killing your louder, wilder friends, don't go over and investigate if you get a strange garbled telephone message from your friend. You will meet the villain.
372) Don't bother asking the monster, "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" because it’s just a waste of time. If you can't kill it by emptying your shotgun into it, it'll take something/someone holy to do it.
373) Don't become an evil scientist. You will be killed by your creation when it goes awry.
374) If your town includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine, has a large, rabid St. Bernard, resides in an old, haunted hotel near a Pet Semetary, and hangs out with girls with telekinetic powers and old, strange men who manipulate your fellow townspeople... you're pretty much screwed.
375) If you are a rich successful jerk, don't expect to live very long.
376) If you live in a town with a horror author whose character accidentally comes alive, run like hell.
377) If a nice girl you've been attracted to comes to your 3rd story window in the middle of the night and she asks you to open it, as much as you might want to, DO NOT and grab your crucifix.
378) If two well known horror villains escape around the same time, don't expect anything good to come of it.
379) Don't investigate anything! It won't do any good!
380) Don't worry about no respect just because you're a coward... you'll be the only one alive.
381) Don't make friends with aliens. Nine out of ten aliens are nasty. ET was a fluke.
382) If a giant city destroyer spaceship is hovering above your city, leave before it can fire. You will die unless you are a) a stripper with a child and a dog who has survival skills and can drive trucks or b) an egghead with a Macintosh computer
383) Do not walk into deserted creepy farmhouses because you most certainly will never come out!
384) NEVER TRY TO RESCUE YOUR HALF-EATEN COMPANION. REMEMBER, IF MORE THAN HIS/HER FOOT OR HAND IS EATEN, HE/SHE IS BASICALLY DEAD! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOUR FRIEND (WHO'S LOST HALF HIS BODY) WILL RECOVER AND LEAD A PRODUCTIVE LIFE. SHOOT HIM AND MOVE ON.
385) IF YOU'RE GOING TO RUN FROM A MONSTER, TRY TO RUN TO A PLACE YOU KNOW. DO NOT RUN AT BREAKNECK SPEED THROUGH SOME CITY OR BACKWOODS THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO. YOU'LL MOST LIKELY RUN OVER A CLIFF OR INTO A DEAD END ALLEY WHERE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH FASTER THAN THE MONSTER YOU CAN "FLY", THE MONSTER WILL BE WAITING WHEN YOU TURN AROUND.
386) BURN, SHOOT, OR KICK ANYTHING STRANGE. "IT" IS NEVER CUTE, INTELLIGENT, FRIENDLY, OR INTERESTING. IF "IT" HAS EVER BEEN DEAD, "IT" SHOULD STILL BE THAT WAY.
387) NEVER DEVISE A PLAN THAT MAKES SENSE, IT WILL INVARIABLY GO WRONG. DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY RANDOM, LIKE PURPOSEFULLY RUNNING OFF A CLIFF, SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, YOU'LL END UP IN ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE THE MONSTER IS DEAD. UNLESS YOU'RE THE MAIN CHARACTER, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY SO TRY SOMETHING NEW.
388) DON'T TRY TO KILL THE MONSTER BY CONVENTIONAL MEANS (I.E. STABBING, CHOKING, SHOOTING, BLASTING INTO LITTLE PIECES), DO SOMETHING STRANGE, LIKE SOAKING THE MONSTER WITH THE BLOOD FROM YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER'S LAST MENTRUATION PERIOD OR JUST WHIP UP A CONVENIENT LITTLE BLACK HOLE OUT OF NOWHERE AND PUSH HIM INTO IT.
389) If you find out that the last owner of the car you would like to buy died in it, do not buy the car! If one of your friends buys the car, however, it's too late to save him; he'll be dead by the end.
390) When ever you have (to your assumption) slayed the monster, villain etc.., do not turn to a fellow survivor for a hug.
391) If you've come to town for your grandmother's funeral and you just found her pet pig slaughtered in the kitchen (blood all over the floor and his head in the fridge), LEAVE TOWN NOW!! Don't wait for the demon and all his minions to begin killing off the slutty local girls and bringing you their earrings still in the ears.
392) When sending an elite strike squad down to the surface of a alien infested planet, leave someone on the fucking mother ship. Oh and when you leave the planet, before it blows up, shut your landing gear.
393) If you are alone and see a beautiful woman (naked or otherwise) DO NOT go to her, help her or interact with her in any way.
394) If you are a girl with big breasts and you are trapped in the garage with the killer. Never try to climb through the doggy door on the electric garage door. You will get stuck and the killer will hit the open button and your head will get crushed.
395) Discourage your parents from taking jobs as winter caretakers at secluded mountain-top hotels.
396) If you're possessed, don't eat pea soup - it's a bitch to get the stains out of papal robes.
397) When an old man walks up to you and says "go away or you shall die!" run like hell.
398) Never have sex on a boat if there has been stories about a axe murderer who killed teenagers.
399) If your a kid on a camping trip and your family has just been attacked by a monster and your family made it away and your stuck in your sleeping bag don't try to bounce away because he will knock you across the woods until you hit a rock and split in half.
400) If zombies are following you do the right thing, say no to brains.
On to Bay 05.
Back to Bay 03.
Back to Ham Navii's Miscellaneous Mind Scrap.
