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Horror Movie Survival Tips: Bay 06


501) Never admit a phobia to anyone. It will somehow be used against you.

502) Never hide or pretend like you’re dead to scare somebody. You're just asking for it.

503) If you start having dreams or hearing voices that give you advice, listen to them! Chances are they are somehow linked to you and are looking out for your safety. 504) In a sequel, never EVER go back to the town where the original horror happened. If you do, you're just asking for it.

505) If you leave your abusive husband (especially a cop), change your identity, move to a small town, and fall in love with a great guy - you might live but your new lover is bound to die.

506) Never take any medication -- its gonna get switched with something fatal.

507) If your appliances go hay-wire -- LEAVE. Get out of the house & get out of the town. Something strange is going down. Go to an island with no electrical appliances or vehicles. And the less people the better.

508) Do not trust anyone. Its a death sentence. They're either gonna be evil or they're gonna die in which case are gonna cause you to barely escape.

509) If the lone survivor of an alien uprising on a deserted planetary mining colony is an eight year old girl and she gives you advice on how the aliens operate, DO NOT, we repeat, DO NOT brush off her opinions as the ramblings of a child. Remember, she was the ONLY survivor.

510) If you live in or are going to move to a quiet town, go away. Chances are something very bad has or will happen.

511) If you ever get a flat tire on an old dirt road in Texas don’t stop to fix it.

512) If you have killed a monster with a pistol or some other weapon, always put some extra shots in it or use even more weapons against it.

513) Remember that the really witty and attractive girl will always die in the most original way possible.

514) Just say no to drugs; unless they are really good. That way you won't have to suffer with the pain.

515) Always listen to the crazy old lady.

516) If your father kills your mother and/or has a room full of gloves with knives on them don't wait for them to come take you away!

517) Never walk or run while looking in any direction other than straight ahead.

518) If you think you're being stalked and you happen to have your cat with you, follow it's lead. If it starts to hiss or act scared, run for it.

519) Stick with the trained dog or cute kid. Neither will be killed and their instincts will generally steer you out of trouble. You will be dead meat, however, if you are the kid's older sister's boyfriend.

520) Usually the little kid has the best ideas for avoiding things that might maim or mangle you. Listen to him/her!

521) While sounding like a turn-on, sex outdoors is generally a bad idea.

522) If you think you've killed the monster/stalker/fiend and there are several others out there, then congratulations! One down, a few more to go... If, on the other hand, you think you've killed the only monster/stalker/fiend that's been bothering you, then don't go near it!

523) Don't drop your weapon! But also don't let the monster leave your sight for a moment. It will take the opportunity when you avert your gaze to sit up and recover.

524) When walking down the same hallway you've walked down a million times before in your house, turn the lights on. And run past any open doors or adjacent halls.

525) Never situate your desk in such a way that your back is toward the door, window or hall. Ditto for couches in front of TVs. Position all furniture against sturdy walls.

526) Never look directly into anything that includes lights, boxes, mirrors, or creepy books. Also never look into spooky people's eyes, just in case.

527) Way to tell if panic is warranted: If the power goes out in your home, look out a window at the street lights and neighbor's houses. If their power is out too, just calm down and take a nap. If your house is the only one that goes, then leave immediately.

528) Don't bother trying to barricade yourself in a shopping mall to avoid zombies because no matter how nice it may seem in the end raiders will break in and let all of the zombies in and you will end up dead.

529) If you see a strange man in the road of a place you shouldn't be holding a sharp object, don't hesitate to run him down if he won't move, and make sure to go back and forth over him if he breaks your windows.

530) Never ever, under any circumstances, touch a monster on the ground. He'll grab your ass and tear you apart. Monsters playing possum is the oldest trick known to man.

531) Never ever assume someone you know is at the door.

532) Never make fun of the monster and say what you would do to it if you saw it (tear his head off, kick his ass, tear his nuts off) because it will do just that to you.

533) Never argue co-existence with a demon house. It'll only end up deciding it doesn't like you and your family and destroy itself.

534) When being chased, do not try to get out of the house by way of the cat door.

535) If the main character is holding the one item that can destroy the monster/evil/demons, do not grab it and toss it into a monster's lair. But if you should happen to do this, don't run off into the darkness alone afterwards.

536) If you decide to get a Leprechaun to give you 3 wishes, be extremely specific.

537) Never use a pipe wrench to hit a creature that is 3 foot tall or smaller or has killed more than 3 people, it is definitely stronger, and more powerful than first perceived.

538) If you decide to kill your mom, and she comes back, under NO circumstances follow her orders.

539) If a monster ( killer/ demon/ cousin/ monkey/ plush toy / midget/whatever ) is dead, DO NOT decide to dig up it's grave, and shove a steel rod through it's heart from enragement, during a thunderstorm.

540) When swimming at a place you've never been to , look for caution signs. Search the thick greenery well.

541) Do not gloat in victory over a monster, no matter how sure you are that it can't get you.

542) They can't hurt you under the covers. It worked for Richard Moll.

543) Never go any where near the washing or drying machines. Just don't do the laundry, PERIOD!!! Clean clothes aren’t all that important, people can't smell you through the TV.

544) Every one is doomed, just break in to the White House and press "the big red button" and end it all, you will be thanked, except by the producers, who wouldn't be able to make a sequel.

545) When in the movie, don't get a role in which you say or do anything important. Be a cameo, or extra, nothing bad happens to them. My advice is be the old man in the background.

546) If you are a teenager, but appear to be in your late 20's, early 30's; be extra cautious, you are in a horror movie.

547) If you see a guy in a mask, it probably isn't one of your friends pulling a prank. It's probably a maniac who will cut off your head or something.

548) If a guy tells you to say certain magic words when you take a book of the dead from a cemetery, DO NOT FORGET THOSE WORDS!

549) Don't play pranks on people. Either they'll come back for revenge or an evil maniac will figure out a way to use it to his or her advantage.

550) Never try to fist fight a killer, ‘cause you'll most likely lose and get killed.

551) Don't hold seances in any place where people have died, or dead bodies are stored, or any place of the dead. You'll most likely conjure up some demons that will possess you and your friends.

552) Never visit a wax museum after midnight.

553) Don't call phone numbers that say EVIL in them.(976-EVIL)

554) Don't open gifts from family Satanists(see RABID GRANNIES)

555) Never take showers in Bates Motel.

556) Don't open canisters that contain gas that supposedly re-animates the dead.

557) It's pretty much a good idea to stay away from all camp grounds.

558) Never kill anyone. They'll most likely come back for revenge.

559) Never screw around with ouija boards. Ever.

560) Don't play satanic music and use what it says to open gates to hell.

561) Don't do experiments with teleportation devices.

562) Never interfere with satanic rituals.

563) Always make sure your car doors are locked before you get out to pump gas! If you don't, when you get back in, the killer will be in your back seat.

564) Always carry a shotgun. You may not kill the monster but, you'll slow him down.

565) If you’re not a main character do not try to dress up like the killer!

566) In no scary movie are the aliens ever friendly. Don't attempt to find out what they want, don't stick around to watch them land. Just run.

567) Know this, if you go off alone to get yourself a beer - you won't live long enough to drink it!

568) If you open a partially closed door, don't be surprised if a corpse falls out.

569) If your film is a self-parody of the horror genre, then disregard everything on this list.

570) If you ever see a neon sign where certain letters are missing, in the correct configuration to produce a word with a sinister connotation, under no conditions have anything to do with it.

571) If you know that a remake will be produced of your film, make sure David Cronenberg will be directing. Otherwise, it'll suck.

572) If you're in a movie that makes an active effort to overturn the clichés of the genre, then you're on your own!

573) If all the women become flat chested in an instant, kill yourself!!!!!!!!

574) If you've been having mad passionate love with your girlfriend in the cemetery and out pops her dead husband don't let him bite her. Also if you think he bit her, do not, I repeat do not, shoot her in the head and think that she is dead, when in fact she just fainted from all the stress.

575) Try not to attract ALL the nasty evil things when you scream really, really loudly.

576) If you are being chased by a monster, and an old pickup truck pulls up beside you and the driver shouts to get in, don't. The driver will be the monster's unmutated companion who will only drive you straight back to him.

577) If you are handicapped in any way, expect to die.

578) If there is a killer on the loose, do not decide that “now's the time" to lose your virginity. Unless your boyfriend/girlfriend IS the killer, in which case you're good to go.

579) When a girl can make fire come out with her thoughts, run the hell away.

580) When building a homebase for your satanic grotto/witches' coven, it is often not a good idea to make the ceiling completely out of glass, as at the first storm/hell breaking loose many people will die.

581) When being chased by someone or something in a car (while you're on foot)...don't run down the middle of the street!

582) When calling for someone, after a half a dozen times, get it in your head they're not going to answer and something is WRONG!!!!

583) If you are an incredible geek and all of a sudden the high school's best looking girl asks you out, run as fast as you can, because the carnage is about to start. 584) Aim for the head!

585) Don't go to summer camp with a girl who has a doink!

586) Do not trust strange Barons or Counts with the last name Alucard. It's Dracula spelled backwards dummy!

587) If young children band together to stop the end of the world (i.e. Monster Squad, The Gate). Do brag about their active imaginations and help them damn it.

588) Crying vampires are easier to kill with stakes, garlic, or holy water. Do not be kindhearted, just DESTROY the bloodsucking creature of the night. Anything that whines that much about being immortal only has it coming.

589) If an old man who claiming to be Dr. Van Helsing shows up at your door, LET HIM IN. Do not say Dracula was just a book and it's 1997. He's not a funny old man and he knows what he's talking about.

590) If you don't have a heartbeat, and brains smell mighty tasty, kill yourself fast. Save your friends, family, and the whole world the worry. As we all know when zombies appear.....EVERYONE DIES!!! and for God's sake the basement is the best place to hide.

591) Large breasted cheerleaders should have sex with the nerdy guy in the back of the class. He will be the hero and you will survive by being his woman.

592) I don't care what you think about RuPaul or Ed Wood. Transvestites are dangerous. Just look at Leatherface, Dr. Frank N. Furter, Norman Bates, and that guy from the Silence of the Lambs. One "Miss Thing" or "You Go Girl" to one of these folks and your history.

593) If you befriend one monster to help you battle the other monsters, do not think that you can get by on monster power alone. Without fail he will be taken out before you can make use of the creature. Be prepared to fight for yourself...and your life. 594) Never be alone on devils night.

595) If you are a grave robber or for any reason hang out near a cemetery consider a new occupation.

596) If you happen to be chosen to help discredit a Satanic cult, decline the offer.

597) If you are already in the process of discrediting a Satanic cult, avoid accepting anything, even if it belongs to you, from the leader of the cult.

598) If you have already accepted something from the leader of the Satanic cult, and it turns out to contain a bit of parchment with runes on it, give it back. Quickly.

599) If you are a gang member and there is a voodoo expert in town don't kill the boy who has been the "nice kid". For the voodoo expert will just shrink his head and send it after you.

600) If you hear an unfamiliar noise, don't ask who is there? RUN! The response is never a nice one.


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