601) Never dig up a psychos body to see if he's REALLY dead!
602) If you see the monster in the middle of the road while driving, don't swerve - run him, her, or it down, and roll over it a few times.
603) If you are a ditsy beauty queen with a large chest...there is no hope for you. You might as well just resign yourself to your fate.
604) No matter what sound you hear, no matter how faint and innocent it seems, IT'S NEVER THE WIND!!!!!!!
605) What ever you do, don't go to a summer camp where almost 98% of those who either worked there or was a guest at the camp were either impaled, shot, stabbed, or wrapped up in a sleeping and smacked against a tree.
606) If you're the pizza delivery guy and the house you're delivering to has dead bodies about the place, don't go to your car since the killer is probably in it by now, and the chances that you are not the main character are pretty high. I would suggest going into the house, putting pizza sauce on you, lying down with the dead bodies and playing dead when the killer walks by. Let someone else do all of the work.
607) If you are a good looking female virgin, you should not strip down naked and swim (by yourself) in a secluded lake.
608) If a monster is following you never, never, ever, decide to run up stairs. It only guarantees that the monster will catch up to you.
609) If you are a bum or drunk with no connection to the main character, and you see something strange in the sky, kill yourself quickly. It's better that way.
610) If there's a full moon, don't go outside for *any* reason - if you must, be sure to avoid cemeteries and lonely moors.
611) While running, never look behind you to see if the killer is there. He is! Look down so you don't trip, and don't scream hoping the killer will stop because 9 out 10 times they won't.
612) Stay away from the following:
-Anything that has an overabundance of y's and th's in it's name ('Nyarlathotep, Yog-Sothoth, etc.)
-Anybody who's first and last name begins with the same letter
-'Exciting' people. The more boring you are, the less involved in the movie you are, and the greater your chance of survival.
-Certain directors such as John Carpenter and any Italian horror director. They always stick those damn trick endings in.
-New England.
-Any profession that requires special tools, such as dentists, cartographers, 'do-it-yourselfers', doctors, etc.
-Anyone who's unfaithful to their S.O.
-Anything that begins with 'Great Old' or 'Elder'
-Religion in any form.
-Outboard motors.
-Writing utensils.
-Books of ANY sort! This cannot be stressed enough! Even a harmless-looking children’s book will turn out to be Evil ('See Dick. See Cthulhu. See Dick see Cthulhu. See Dick go insane.')
-'Experimental' procedures. They're more trouble than they're worth, ESPECIALLY if they work.
-Meat.
-Vegetables.
-Electrical outlets.
613) If you answer the phone and somebody says "Have you checked the children" don't do it.
614) If you're the hottest girl in town and you just HAVE to dump your psycho boyfriend, do all of your friends a favor and just kill him, cause if not their all dead anyway!
615) If your hand, or any other part of your body starts acting weird (tries to hit, cut, maim or kill you), do not hesitate to cut it right off. Preferably with a chainsaw.
616) On a stormy dark rainy night when your parents go out, never stay home alone. Go over to a friends house or invite friends over. Remember to invite more than two friends.
617) If the audience doesn't think the movie is over, it's probably not over; so watch your back.
618) Cancel any dinner arrangements you have made with the Sawyer family immediately!
619) Never ever take a date to a drive in movie. You and her will both be sycled to death later.
620) If you have a child whose head begins to spin around without the rest of their body, start drinking a lot of Holy water.
621) Think of one person, and, only one person; yourself!
622) Avoid people wearing black mackintoshes, gloves, and large hats, especially in Europe, especially in Italy.
623) Uproot all funny-looking plants.
624) Refrain from voting for any politicians who favor budget cuts and/or work-release programs for insane asylums.
625) Avoid necrophilia at all times, even when the corpse is reanimated and clearly wants you in the worst way (so to speak).
626) If a man walks towards you in a stiff, staggering sort of fashion, do not assume that he is a cerebral palsy victim. Run.
627) Be prepared. Have the following on hand at all times:
-crucifix (best when worn at all times)
-portable sun lamp (in case of vampires)
-fully automatic Uzi 9mm with silver-jacketed slugs
-seismograph (This will pick up the footsteps of any giant monsters approaching your city, and will permit you to flee early and avoid the rush.)
628) If you are a virgin REMAIN that way, virgins never die.
629) Do everything you possibly can to delay the continuation of the plot. The longer it takes for the monster to start killing people, the better.
630) If you say words such as 'dude', 'like', or 'total' multiple times each in every sentence you utter, you're most likely going to die.
631) If you find yourself saying something like "guys, this isn't funny" or "I know its you in there," you can bet you're in a horror movie. Furthermore, you can be pretty sure that you're wrong; your friends aren't playing a trick on you...its the killer/monster.
632) Appeal to the villain’s ego and get him to explain his master plan to you, since you're "dead anyway." No one who hears the villain’s secrets ever gets killed.
633) Aliens only abduct people who don't believe in aliens -- so BELIEVE.
634) Consider *being* the villain in a horror movie. If you do a decent job killing everyone, you may live for an indefinite number of sequels. Even if you die, there's a good chance you'll be coming back. 635) Churches and holy grounds just aren't safe places to be in a horror movie. Every demon from Pinhead to Pumpkinhead can usually just walk right in.
636) Never sleep or have sex in bunk beds or any other beds with enough room for a deformed killer to hide underneath.
637) Don't ever test a monsters killing abilities!
638) Believe that the woods will always be alive, and will therefore tear you limb from limb if you leave the cabin. Don't do it!
639) If your name is spelled with a “i” in place of a y you will be killed sooner or later. Best to do it yourself than waste the monsters time. This same rule applies to anyone who's name ends in a vowel.
640) Never stand or sit near a window.
641) If you are in any deserted place, like a camp, and there are old stories of murders, leave while you're heart is still beating. And if you here something strange, get your butt out of there quickly.
642) Never look back when you are running away from a killer because he will only be in front of you when you turn back around.
643) Even if you think that you can't stomach it, falling in love with the bad guy is probably better than the way they decide to kill you.
644) If your a Priest, keep your faith. You never know when your going to need to make something holy (water, stakes, be inventive).
645) Remember that serial killers are just like the "Energizer Bunny" as in they keep going and going and going and going...no matter how many times you think you them ran over with the car!!!
646) If you are a girl and what you thought to be the monster was just the resident prankster trying to scare you, and then you think you see him trying to pull the same stunt a few seconds later, run. There is no doubt that it is now actually the real monster and your prankster buddy has already been killed.
647) Never consume any part of a dead monster. It never helps.
648) If your mother was murdered recently, expect the killer to attack you.
649) If you and your friends killed a man with your car and dumped the body, expect a man in a robe with a hook to kill your friends and attack you. Take a hint and run!
650) All horror movies with popular characters have sequels, don't be tempted by checks with lots of zeros. Money is no good in hell.
651) On the outside chance that you just knocked down a mad killer who was chasing you, don't use this time to run away. I suggest going back and ripping out his eyes while he is down. If your killer is a male don't be to afraid to try and rip off his genitals. After he is in that pain try to bust his head open with a rock or some other hard, blunt object lying around.
652) If you are in a situation where you think you might be in a horror movie do something crazy that no horror movie would ever show. You might want to try putting your legs behind your head, smacking your ass, and yelling "Pork chops and applesauce" repeatedly. Even if a horror movie did show that, you can at least die knowing you were part of the most interesting horror movie ever.
653) If you're a black man in a horror movie, don't even think that you're going to make it out alive...
654) Enjoy being covered in cold sweat, dirt, blood, mucous, etc. If you try to take a shower, you will die. If you wash your face in the sink, you will see the killer's face in the mirror when you stand up...and then you will die. Being dirty might be unpleasant but it's better than being dead.
655) If you ever get chased by A) Stranger with chainsaw B) Zombies C) Rabid madmen with handy finger knifes, never ever go to the police as they will not believe you and will probably lock you up in a small cell with a window where the killer can enter.
656) Look before you leap. Otherwise you might land in something nasty like a pool of maggots or sharp wire.
657) If you hear the music of the Goblins, RUN!
658) If you see Santa remember....." You better watch out, you better not cry", and you better not rent the sequels!!!! If you ignore the for-warned remember to fast forward through the first 45 minutes..... you've seen them before.
659) Always listen to the town crazy when he warns you of the curse or any other nasty story. 660) If your doctor informs you that you are suffering from a broken heart, and it has to come out, RUN!!!
661) If you are protecting a kid who has been marked as the son of Satan by a religious group.....Think.
662) If you are being chased by the monster, for crying out loud don’t be stupid enough to stop at a pay phone and try and call someone for help!
663) Werewolves are NOT cuddly.
664) Never rely on your gun (no matter HOW many you have!)
665) In a chase scene, wearing high heels is a BAD idea!
666) Do NOT dig up canisters with dead green guys in them. Even for a joke.
667) Disabled people usually die, unless they're the main character.
668) If you feel that there are two when there should only be one, do something about it.
669) If your name is Rosemary and your child is that of Satan...what the hell? Go along with it!
670) Beat the serial killer to the punch. See if YOU can be the one to be resurrected multiple times.
671) Lead a cult. This way, if you get killed, you'll most likely be resurrected by your faithful followers.
672) You know that big rift/well/portal/gate that just opened up in your back yard? Don't play in it.
673) Large metal/stone paperweights come in handy during the big showdown with the killer.
674) Being a twin is just asking for trouble. Try and be the good twin, but if it doesn't work out that way, live it up as the evil twin. Might as well have fun while you're attempting to bring about the reign of Your Father, whichever entity that might be (Satan, Yog-Sothoth, whatever).
675) If you find yourself in a strange location devoid of clothing and soaked in foreign blood, something's wrong. Seek help.
676) Severed heads do not make good bowling balls.
677) Never allow yourself to be in bad physical condition.
678) Never be in an isolated place.
679) If a the dead prom queen "wants" you, then agree and you'll have saved the lives of every body.
680) Never be the first or last person in a line, as the last person will be shot, stabbed, killed from behind, and the first person will be killed from the front.
681) Never hold a cenobite to his word. Especially if you've just bargained your way out of eternal pain and suffering. Odds are they're still going to tear your soul apart.
682) If one of your party gets bit by a vampire or zombie, kick his ass out the door, he's history. It will help the other survivors stay alive, including yourself, for your friend who got bit will come back from death to get you.
683) Beware of severed limbs. They will invariably try to strangle, bludgeon or impale you, or inject you with chemicals.
684) Remember, the boogeyman exists... even in real life... he always exists. He may be your boyfriend, he may be your neighbor, he may be the mysterious homeless man in your town, he may be that quiet kid at school, he may be a brutal serial killer, he may have a presidential term, but remember, the boogeyman exists....in many different forms. After you kill the boogeyman, always remember that the title and or persona will be, unbeknownst to the inheritor, handed down. Watch out.
685) If you are driving down a dark mountain road, and a mysterious car pulls up next to you, and the mysterious driver (who you can't see) turns on the interior lights revealing a clown, and the clown smiles at you and stares you down, give that bastard the finger and speed off as fast and as far as you can, and don't stop until you reach civilization.
686) If you are fighting demons in an isolated mountain cabin, be sure your name is Ash.
687) If the camera (in a horror movie) focuses on YOU and YOU alone while you are trying to complete a task by yourself, you are going to die. 688) TIP FOR SLASHER MOVIE: If you see a sneaky man in a dark jumpsuit...RUN THE HELL AWAY!
689) No matter what they say; Fish DO hold grudges.
690) If your kid says 'Red Rum' repeatedly, then RUN! (it's 'Murder' backwards)
691) Avoid taking "moderate" doses of Dramamine or Marezene to reduce motion sickness before your plane trip, and then react to the hallucinations by breaking the window (and releasing cabin pressure) to get the monster clinging on to the wing.
692) Be VERY careful what you wish for, and remember, don't take the pot of gold you greedy little bastard!
693) If you're in a horror movie, keep an eye on the time! The further into the movie you are, the more heavy and peculiar weapons you'll need to kill stuff. This is even more true for sequels, so if you happen to spot a "2", "3" or higher number at the pretitles, search immediately for complicated high-power electrical appliances, large machinery or a BFG.
694) Make friends with a puppet named Jester.
695) Don't let the paranoid army guy, who is suffering from cabin fever, carry the nuclear war-head.
696) If given a chance to join the bad guys, do it. It'll save a lot of trouble later.
697) If you ever go on a trip to your friends cabin, and discover a RED chainsaw then run. Do not run upstairs or out in the woods. Instead, just tell your friend you’re going for pizza, get in the car (which won't start at once, not until before your friend comes screaming out the door with the RED chainsaw) and drive off, maybe out of the state. But it must be a RED chainsaw, this means that your friend is a lunatic. If the chainsaw is for example yellow or brown it doesn't matter.
698) Stay away from RED objects, such as RED chainsaws or RED clothes that are currently being possessed by ancient demons from the under earth.
699) Expose yourself to creepy crawlies early in life so when you find the decapitated body writhing with maggots, you don't scream and attract unwanted attention.
700) Nothing good has ever come after the following phrases have been said:
-Let's play.
-Now just calm down.
-Did you hear/feel/smell that?
-What could go wrong?
-I'll just be a minute.
-What's this?
-I've got a bad feeling about this.
-I don't see anything (Usually cut off by a blood curdling scream, or just cut off usually when the person’s head separates from his body)
-Give me a break!
-You’re kidding right?
-This can't be happening!
-Ready or not, here I come. (If this phrase is said during a game of hide and seek... forget it. It is not part of the game you were originally playing)
On to Bay 08.
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Back to Ham Navii's Miscellaneous Mind Scrap.
