701) Sure, hiding in that dark closet may have seemed like a good idea at the time, and hey, the killer/monster walked by you right? *BUZZ* Wrong! If you hear the foot steps stop or the beast walks out of the viewing range of that little crack you are staring out of... well, at least hope the monster chokes on you or you dull the blade of the ax wielding maniac. You don't want your death to only be significant in the book of stupidity.
702) Never go to sleep because when you do you dream and monsters can be in dreams.
703) Fog is not romantic.
704) If you are a woman , NEVER casually mention something like, "I have this horrible fear of water/asphyxiation/spiders/dead things/eyeballs". The villain will bring these up in abundance in your next dream sequence.
705) If you are a woman and in the last day your gay roommate has been grimly murdered by a blonde British man, and a burly Irish man shows up from the 1600's, run like hell and phone the cops somewhere other than your home.
706) Don't be the rich kid who goes off to Rome right in the beginning of the picture. Your head will almost certainly be mailed back home.
707) Never wear clothes that show your navel or too much cleavage.
708) When the villain has you cornered, sit down and busy your head in your hands. Within seconds your heroic boyfriend/girlfriend will magically appear to rescue you.
709) Never work out in the school gym anytime after 5 P.M. or on the weekends.
710) Try to refrain from being the oddball. You will probably be killed in a strange, nearly comical manner.
711) Don't collect dolls, knives, Nazi memorabilia, diaries of dead people or mirrors.
712) Move out of your house if you own a garbage disposal, Jacuzzi, heavy grandfather clock, or a bunch of stuff in the attic that the last owners left behind.
713) If you had a bad childhood (especially at home), kill yourself now. It's a lot better than dying via the tortures your parents put upon you.
714) Don't bother running away from that tall, pale dude with the pins sticking out of his head. The farther you run, the worse your encounter with him will be.
715) Jobs to avoid: Video store clerk, Minister, day-care worker, janitor, pet store owner, garbage man (people put bad things in their garbage), taxidermist, or anything that deals with large masses of small children.
716) If that guy from L.A. Law shows up in your town, understand that he is no longer retarded! And under no circumstances should you open your mouth when he tells you to if you have the option of kicking him down the stairs.
717) That cute blonde guy who just showed up at your fashion show to take a Runic stone is NOT the right guy to follow to the top of a building.
718) Don't pursue a career in modeling, prostitution, or acting.
719) If you have something the bad guy wants and you aren't the main character, give it to him immediately. You will die quicker than, say, being hacked to pieces with a dull axe.
720) The bad guy is never who you think it is.
721) If you go to a ballet camp in England and the first thing you see when you get there is a hanged body in a tree, go back home to Yankeeville.
722) If you're an actress and having weird experiences relating to that cheese-faced, weed-whacker handed killer you defeated in all your movies, try hanging out with the guy who played him in the films. He's safe because the bad guy can't kill him without killing himself.
723) When you hear on the radio that some mad scientist managed to make flying Piranhas and they've escaped the lab, now is not the time to have a pool party.
724) If a big shark just killed your family, don't try to fly to the Bahamas because somehow the shark is going to swim faster than the plane can fly and end up waiting for you when you land.
725) If you're Native American and the film has ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING TO DO WITH DEAD ANIMALS, you're guaranteed to end up impaled.
726) If all the machines in your town are going insane, now is probably NOT the best time to get a soda from the soda machine/see what household item do and do not microwave/wash or dry any clothing/fix the TV.
727) If a big hole appears in your backyard, don't bury Fido in it just minutes before enacting a Satanic ritual.
728) If you go to a town in Maine which apparently doesn't exist in order to find a missing author whose books make people go homicidal, and your Hotel of choice comes complete with an old lady who keeps her husband handcuffed to her ankle, leave well enough alone and go home.
729) That guy who you think is there to save you is only there to block your other exit.
730) When running through the forest/mudslide/ravine/gravel road, try to avoid wearing six inch stiletto heals.
731) Never make fun of a geek or nerd at school. They will just go psycho and start killing everybody who ever humiliated him.
732) Never make fun of a geek or nerd at school. They will just go psycho and start killing everybody who ever humiliated him.
733) Slasher killers (Jason, Michael, etc.) always attack during some holiday (Halloween, Christmas, New Years, Valentines day, Graduation Day, etc.).
734) Places to avoid: Haddonfield, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Amity Island, Amityville, Michigan, Texas, Maine, England, Elm Street, High School, Mines, The Natural History Museum, Chicago Sewers, and Sleepaway Camp.
735) If you are a hunter kiss your butt goodbye because you will always die.
736) Bullets don't work.
737) Computer defense systems always fail.
738) If small animated puppets try to attack you, tell them their names and offer to shake their hand. They'll be too happy to kill you.
739) Leave your abusive, alcoholic husband BEFORE he tells you he's the new caretaker to a bit hotel and your son starts chanting "Redrum" in a weird voice.
740) NEVER look under the bed, but always check under there somehow. I recommend sawing off the legs and letting the thing come crashing down upon the monster.
741) If this morning your house was occupied by dead spirits and your daughter disappeared into the walls, now is not the time to color your hair.
742) Always carry clever, pocket-sized weapons in your jeans (Hand-held mirror, X-Acto knife, sealed vials of acid, etc.....)
743) Don't tell the villain, "I want to know your pain." That's just asking for it right in the face.
744) No matter how many times you run over something with your car it will not die.
745) Children should not play with dead things.
746) Children do not die in horror movies as a rule but if you are one avoid swimming in any body of water (Piranha, Jaws, The Dark Age, Alligator, etc..). Monsters eat kids in the water.
747) Be aware where the chainsaw is kept, it may save your life.
748) Holy weapons only work against Vampires, do not try it against Cenobites.
749) If there is a rash of child murders and your daughter is acting a little weird it is her!
750) If you enter a dark house and find your best friends in the upstairs bedroom slashed to pieces, do not scream and back into a corner next to a pitch dark room.
751) When hiking do not whine and carry on and act like a wimp. This will only attract birds that come and kill you for no apparent reason.
752) Do not talk about a dream you had in which it rained blood.
753) Dolls are evil. Destroy one if you see one.
754) Cars from the 1950s are no good. If your friend refuses to part with his kill him.
755) If your house is nicknamed HELLHOUSE, move away.
756) Remember to wear 3-D glasses to bed.
757) If a young girl is afraid of "water things" at camp, do not take part in the regatta.
758) Do not drive a car with an almost dead battery to a secluded farm for repairs.
759) If you're female, and nothing has happened to you yet, and you feel you're in danger of the monster getting you next, ignore the first sound you hear. It's never the monster. It's the phone, doorbell, cat down the street, or something just as innocuous.
760) If an old, bald man, with a goatee and a trenchcoat comes to your town saying "The evil is coming" and it is almost October 31, move away fast.
761) If you find yourself in a boxing match with Jason Voorhees and your punches seam ineffective NEVER tell him to try his best shot or he will be slam dunking your head in a trash can.
762) Never handcuff yourself to heavy machinery in protest of the destruction of the natural surrounding environment if there have been reports of a "wildcat" in the area. If you do and you see something greenish walking towards you do not think that it is an "alien brother". Calling it that will result in your face being bitten off.
763) If you are at camp and are having a paint ball gun war do not shoot at a burly man walking slowly towards you. Run like hell or you will get your arm ripped off.
764) If you have a twin, kill it. They are usually evil.
765) Never, ever, ever walk backwards, and I mean Never!
766) If some one is looking behind you with fear and dread don’t look to see what it is.
767) If you see Elvira, Fangora, or Vamperella then its just a goof so don't worry to much.
768) If you have the choice between a flashlight and a weapon, take the frickin’ weapon!
769) Don't fall asleep in the bathtub, you could drown! (or be drowned)
770) Always try and stay in the center of the room, keeping away from suspiciously low-lit corners, UNLESS there's a peculiar design on the floor or there's a chandelier. Both spell death for you.
771) Never try the first thing that comes to mind. Since you're in a horror movie, it'll most likely be an extremely stupid idea. Instead, try the second or third thing that comes to mind.
772) The less complicated your weapon is, the greater your chances of success.
773) If you hit the monster/beast with your best shot (usually right or left hook) and all the thing does is turn about and give you an evil grin, this is NOT a good sign!! Don't just stand there staring from your fist to the place where you hit the creature looking panicked, run! Don't even bother trying to hit the thing again, the most you would accomplish is bruising your knuckles.
774) If, in your daily routine of eating woodland creatures and foraging for food, you should happen to realize that you're actually a twisted freak of nature that has no place in human society, congratulations, you're the monster! Now, go find some campers, and make sure you kill 'em good so you'll have some sequels.
775) If you hear a noise in a dark place, do not investigate.
776) A good motive is hard to come by, so asking "Why'd you do it?" will probably increase your chances of dying!
777) If the living dead are outside and the windows are boarded up don't go near them. No matter how well boarded the windows are a dead hand is almost sure to grab you.
778) If a body part becomes possessed or bitten by a zombie cut it off! Chances are you will survive and or replace it with some kind of weapon.
779) If you have a shot gun that is empty and the monster is coming at you load once and fire. If it has no effect run , more bullets will do no good. So please, do not keep on loading as the monster shambles towards you, fire!
780) No matter what they say; or what they do; Alien's ain't friendly. ET was a fluke--a freak accident. He is now shunned on his home planet.
781) When it's Valentine's day, that sweet, poetic ex of yours with those nice homicidal tendency’s you liked so much (even though you still dumped him for a football player) might tend to get a little overly stressed, and you know what happens then. My advice to you is to break up with the football player; he's a dumb, soon-to-be-dead-jock anyway. Welcome your ex with open arms, he might help you with that guy who keeps hitting on you.
782) Spiders, giant or otherwise, should not be referred to as "Bugs" or "insects". This mistake has been made countless times in horror movies and should be corrected in the future.
783) Don’t tinkle on the dead alien. It’s not dead, and saying it’ll be "pissed" is an understatement.
784) If you’re a pump jockey, and this almost dead guy crashes his car into your pumps, babbling about how he "didn’t get out in time", take this to heart and kill yourself. No sense lingering and dying from whatever foul disease he just gave you.
785) Rich people really ARE different. Kill them before they eat you.
786) Never assume that if the monster/killer is stuck in a deep well or a hole that it cannot get out. Usually it can crawl straight up the sides, jump out, or dig out. If a monster is down a well, just start dropping bombs down it.
787) If there are reports of a giant alligator in the area, now is NOT the time to have a wedding. It will of course show up and eat the bride and knock people into the cake.
788) If your dead friend comes back from the grave and tells you that you will become a werewolf, believe him and kill yourself.
789) If you find yourself all alone in a subway tunnel at night never assume that the strange "howling" you hear is a prank. Run and get out of there! Werewolves do not care if you threaten to notify the police, they will just tear you apart.
790) If a man with pointed teeth asks you to invite him into your house, DON'T!
791) If some guy who looks half dead comes up looking for something called the Bloodstone, you had, for the love of god, better give it to him and run like hell.
792) If your girlfriend dies, don't try to revive her with modern software.
793) If someone is running at you with a sharp object in hand, don't stop to think what will happen next. RUN!!!
794) Don't die!
795) Avoid running through forests when a certain hockey mask-wearing killer is chasing you. Chances are he knows the forest better than you.
796) Never open any box, coffin, crate, or anything that has been chained, nailed, welded, or wax sealed shut especially if it's been well hidden for a long time.
797) In general, since only one or two people ever make it out alive, if you think you've killed the monster and you look around and see more than a couple of folks...START WORRYING
798) Whatever you do, DON'T stand next to any doors or windows. Don't open any doors to outside either because the bad guy will be there. If you do, you deserve to die for being that stupid.
799) Never slap around or make fun of a doll because it is possessed by an evil spirit and it will come to life and kill you.
800) If someone starts arguing whatever solution you come up with, get rid of them ASAP. They're likely to try and steal your girl, push you into the pit or not open the door when you need IN!. Shoot the bastard, no excuses, as soon as you get a good chance to it.
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