801) If the rest of the house is well lit and you hear a strange sound coming from the only room whose light switch doesn't work... think about it. Don't take it as a circuit breaker slip, and get the heck out of there.
802) A smile is a beautiful thing, but remember, if it is on the twisted lips of a homicidal killer, it is not a good sign.
803) If you are planning on staying at a hotel for the winter take along a snowcat manual and a gun (hidden from your spouse of course).
804) If you ever hear any howling, even if it does sound normal, DO NOT assume it is someone's dog!!!
805) If you plan a surprise party for a guy that never shows up at a lake where many murders have occurred before, get out without asking any questions.
806) If you accidentally kill the last surviving cast member with an axe, thinking he/she was the monster, get over it and get the axe back....you'll need it later.
807) If you have a weapon, only use it if the monster isn't expecting it. Otherwise the monster will just rip it out of your hands and bludgeon you with it.
808) If your being chased by zombies, get in a room and lock the door, they're to stupid to turn the handle. Trust me, I got this tip from Resident Evil.
809) Pins in the head is by all means NOT a strange acne condition.
810) Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the following structural imperfections:
-Doors or paper thins walls that can be broken down easily by shambling corpses.
-Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy crawlies to ooze freely into.
-Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence.
-Whispering walls. (In case you did not know, this is not normal. Ignore the stupid realtor).
-Excess closets or other alcoves that creatures can skulk behind and avoid bullets.
-As a side note, if you insist on having a basement or attic, make sure nothing has died in either room before you moved in. Also order doors that open selectively and are made of some sort of indestructible acid-proof material--build them so that nothing can hide behind the stairs or anything!
811) Have you ever heard of the tip "Never take an elevator in an emergency"? Well, consider your options well in ANY means of inner-building transportation in a horror movie. For elevators: Never go in an elevator without a main character, and NO MORE than one. The occupancy should never exceed more than one panicked person. Be prepared to brace yourself to meet the ground in a uncomfortable manner if alone. If a computer is after you, avoid the elevator entirely. Never sigh in relief once you are onboard, this is like a siren saying "Here I am! Here I am! Kill me!!" Glass elevators are never a good mode of transportation. For escalators: Never wear any loose clothing that can be caught in the moving metal stairs, or be prepared to know what it is like to go through an electronic food processor. Go up the easiest route, not against where the stairs are going. For stairs: Take a few aerobics classes if climbing a tall building... there is no use having a heart attack and seeing the monster looming over you before you die. Oh, and close the door leading off of the stair well quietly so that it won't tell the villain where you went! General rules: The weight capacity signs should usually be followed. Green slime dripping down the walls of anything do not indicate it is safe to enter.
812) If you are looking for something bigger than a bread basket... don't look in the bread basket. Oh, and if the object you are looking for is small enough to fit in a bread basket, let's face it... you're doomed. But if you still insist on looking, look before you poke your hand into the inviting darkness. But, if the last gesture involves shoving your face into a small dark crevice... think about it.
813) When running from a killer, monster, alien, etc..... always hide behind a metal door. Most monsters can break down wooden doors. If no such door is around, RUN LIKE HELL and don't look back. I don't care if your girlfriend is back there she can be replaced.
814) When a little dude dressed in green says he wants his gold you better give it to him.
815) There's no good reason to move to, or even visit, any small town in Maine.
816) If strange things have been happening to you, DON'T stop and get something to eat. It will invariably be poisoned or turn into something wriggly. And drinking out of the carton is just asking for it.
817) Never bury a person in Pet Semetary.
818) Transvestites are not more feminine, in fact in the movies they are horrific killers. If you see a manish women you better believe it is a man and a psycho.
819) After summoning the demons, do not go into the forest. The tree is on their side and will dismember/fall on/have charnel relations with you (Ow! splinters!)
820) NEVER trust the strange, odd-looking old man named Visser 3 that converts from human to andalite. You're head will roll two days after you join him.
821) If you hate somebody because of his "classic" 1957 car don't smash it and don't go near or threaten him, it could get ugly.
822) Check your nanny's references before you let her near your kid.
823) When you get in your car, always check the back seat before you take off.
824) If you really have to visit the cemetery for whatever reason, at least wait until it's light out.
825) Skip your prom.
826) Tell your wife/girlfriend everything at the beginning of your troubles; it will save time later and you'll probably be out of breath by that point.
827) Get a fly swatter and kill all of the insects in your house BEFORE using the teleportation pods.
828) If the trees feeder roots are out of the ground, just leave. Trust me, the methyl mercury did more than just mutate them.
829) Squirt all walking plants with a combination of sea water and Roundup.
830) Do not keep Venus fly traps on/near nuclear research facilities.
831) Under no circumstances allow yourself to be dragged up a tall tree surrounded with rocks by the monster..
832) Be superstitious... be VERY superstitious. It gives you at least a fifty-fifty chance of surviving the movie.
833) Always pay close attention to the dying words of any Scientist, military heavy-weight, or person responsible for creating the monster -- it is at this time only that they will divulge the vital clue for stopping the evil.
834) You will never be attacked by the monster when you are cradling someone during their dying moments. This is especially true when the person was violently savaged by the monster.
835) Large corporations or research institutes are NEVER to be trusted. They will put profit above your safety and the safety of all mankind in order to use the vicious, mutated monster as a weapon. (This, in spite of the fact that the beast has already cost them billions in men and materials during it's escape from the super-secret laboratory hidden away at the edge of town.) With their unlimited resources, they are able to hire vast private armies of security personnel, apparently straight out of the nations orphanages, since there are never any grieving relatives to morn them or file wrongful death lawsuits when they are slaughtered by the hundreds during the course of the film, either by the monster or by the hero while breaking into the complex.) Corporations are also able to mount vast cover-ups which only the hero is able to penetrate.
836) Don't tell Jason or Freddy to "Bring it on"!!!!
837) Never ever pee in the woods. Just hold it in, a little bladder damage never hurt anyone.
838) If you're the first person to be seen in the movie. Expect to die. Sorry.
839) If a jerk starts harassing you on the phone. Hang up. Star 69 is there for a reason. Use it, call the police, and get your rifle out of the basement.
840) If you hear footsteps upstairs, turn the T.V. full blast to get out of a squeaky door or window.
841) If your in a cabin with your friends and you see that the corkscrew is gone, do NOT(!) turn around and ask your friend where the hell the corkscrews off to. You’ll probably just find it pierced through your hand.
842) Always when fighting zombies keep a lawnmower around the house.
843) Werewolves aren't meant to be petted.
844) There is always a weak link in the evil group that is after you... Find the person who does not exactly enjoy slaughtering innocents or devouring strange body parts and work with them! They will only turn on you when it is too late for them do anything about it!!
845) If you ever find yourself in a mummy movie, always listen to the guy that’s wearing a fez. Just let the dead rest and don't touch anything.
846) When talking to a maniacal killer(s) on the phone, NEVER tell him (them) you'll call the police. Chances are they won't get there in time to save your skin.
847) If you're going to hide the truth about a murder you've just committed, make sure it stays hidden.
848) Never, EVER say to the clown that morphed into a space arachnid that you don't Bellevue in him unless you're longing to loose an appendage. Also, aim for the light. Then rip out his heart/whatever with you're bare hands.
849) If your new neighbor: is a strange recluse who you've never actually met works at night and is never seen outside during the day strongly dislikes Christianity and its symbols do not invite him to your house for a friendly cup 'a Java and a nice chat. A vampire cannot enter your house unless you invite him. Even if you don't believe in vampires, remember the man is a recluse and let him be!
850) If your name is Skip, you'd better change it! If you don't, you will surely die. Monsters and maniacal killers cannot stand people named Skip and will always go after anyone by that name.
851) Pay careful attention to any strange words or phrases, especially if they are foreign words or phrases. Chances are, they will help you either save yourself or defeat the villain.
852) After running over a psychotic killer wearing a hockey mask, or any other kind of athletic, or even holiday, attire, don't stop the car and reflect on what you have just done... or even worse, get out of the car to see if said killer is really dead or just faking it.
853) In case of an emergency, kill someone!
854) If you stumble upon your dead friend, wife, husband that has a weapon lodged in their back pull it out and use it, don't cry about it and don't hesitate to pull it out they can't feel it!
855) If being chased by a killer, monster, or alien set your best friend on fire and throw him/her to the thing. Remember... better them than you, besides we all have to make sacrifices!
856) If being chased by zombies grab a baseball bat a sledgehammer or heavy object and climb a tree. If they follow bust them in the head!
857) If trapped from any civilization by a killer don't say "I'm going to make a run for it!” or "I'm going for help!" Chances are he knows you are going to try so he's probably waiting for you to come charging out, and BANG he's got you! Just let some other poor stupid dumbass say he'll go for help!
858) Don't ever watch pornography, bully people around, or act like you're not scared. Otherwise, you'll die!
859) Don't ever try to help a villain, they thrive on cowards!
860) Never give a Deadite a pencil.
861) Never go swimming in a test site pool because it is probably full of flesh eating mutated piranha.
862) If you are a coward, then you will be given one chance to redeem yourself; a test of bravery that is usually meant to save the main character. If you fail this test however and run away like a headless chicken, then you will most definitely be killed in some gruesome yet strangely appropriate way.
863) Impending doom can always be predicted if the following is noticed (current top 10):
-Strange objects appears out of nowhere.
-Soft whispering voices or laughter can be heard.
-Theme song giveaways.
-It gets really quiet (too quiet).
-You come upon a recently killed body. (Doesn't matter how the poor fool died.)
-Small--seemingly innocent--sound such as scratching at the door can be heard.
-You slip or fall into something gross. (i.e. slime, blood, etc.)
-You believe that you are perfectly safe.
-You sigh in relief.
-You toss down your weapon after believing that "It is finally over"
864) If the gun doesn't work on the boogie-man/monster/demon/psycho etc. use it on your self. Remember: Suicide is painless, or at least less than being caught.
865) If you were once a main character in a horror movie and lived it's probably not a good Idea to return to the town where you once lived planning revenge on the monster. He/she is probably waiting for you and you will die.
866) Never exhibit proficiency with firearms, martial arts, or any other form of self-defense. When the killing starts, you'll get hit from behind.
867) Never ever try to take on the killer by your self. Always call for your back up.
868) Always do what you were planning to do; don't go along with some last minute plan your friend came up with.
869) Never allow Martianites in the White House after they’ve assaulted people with Shredders and Dracon beams. And another thing: Never bring odd women in hourglass dresses to the White House.
870) The larger your breasts, the more likely you are to be killed.
871) If your last name is Loomis you will probably die by the end of the movie.
872) When your running from a monster of any sort and you see a cave in the forest, don't go in there thinking you will be safe, because the monster will just corner you in there.
873) If you see a guy with pins coming out of his head, don’t go up to him and say "Hey man, your Halloween costume sucks!", cause if you do, your asking for it, big time.
874) If you ever are being run down by any kind of ZOMBIE don't just stand there and wait to be eaten alive. You might as well just say "I'm over here guys..."
875) If a dead body is hanging in the door way, and the killer is right behind you, just push the damn body out of the way! It won't hurt you.
876) Never, ever, ever decipher any strange-looking runes.
877) Stay away from any and all archaeological digs.
878) Remember, things in the ground are there for a reason.
879) If you're female, have an average IQ. The smart ones get slaughtered when they're left alone to read, and the dumb ones are normally making out with a jock when they're killed, so the killer has to kill them, too.
880) When anyone says "No Problem", there usually is a problem.
881) Practical jokes aren't usually a good idea - either the demon will change it so it's deadly, or it'll be set off by the victim's corpse.
882) Never even consider going through a door that's not possible from the building's blueprints; just board that bad bitch up as fast as you can and hang something holy on the boards.
883) When hiding from the killer for God’s sake stop breathing so hard!
884) Never pack up your family and move out of the big city for a quiet life in the country.
885) If you find any old manuscript or sculpture that contain the following words, get rid of it immediately: Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Great Old Ones, R'lyeh, Shub-Niggurath, Innsmouth, "that which is dead may eternal lie, and with strange eons even death may die", Elder Gods, Yog-Sothoth, etc., etc., etc.
886) If you are the monsters master or creator, trust that if you are not nice to you monster, your monster will turn on you, and eventually kill you by the end of the movie.
887) When in a movie entitled "Atomic" anything, expect the monster to be bigger, stronger, uglier and meaner than any you've encountered before.
888) Don't ever scoff the words of that crazy old guy that pops up in the beginning. Chances are he is right, no matter how drunk he is.
889) Clowns are not fun. Especially those with pointed teeth and balloons that bleed.
890) Do not ever taunt that repressed, overweight girl named Carrie. If you have, avoid senior prom at all costs.
891) If you're ever on assignment, trying to figure out who the killer is, don't even think about having sex with your helper.
892) Study your enemy. Be it a monster, psycho killer or anything else. If it is created with CGI or kills in any such way that would be considered cool by the audience then beware! He will come return in the form of a sequel whether you killed him or not. More often than not, he will return to kill you, any witnesses to the first film, any blood relatives or anyone who is a close, expendable friend.
893) Most killers don't have to run. All they have to do is walk fast. Keep that in mind when your running from the killer.
894) Dolls are never good! It's not like they are gonna get off their asses and help you. If anything they all want you dead. Stay away from a particular one with red hair named Chucky.
895) If you are a part of a kick ass armed force and there are a dozen or more of you, at most only two of you are going to make it out of hunting/tracking the alien/zombie/weird occurrence.
896) If you are the bumbling deputy of the small town, you will either: 1) Save the day or 2) Die a horrible death and serve as example for the others.
897) If you are having sex somewhere and your girlfriend says "I think I hear something", never say "You don’t hear anything. It's just you imagination," because it is ALWAYS something.
898) If you survived a horrible ordeal with some of your friends, never go back to the site of said ordeal on an anniversary.
899) Never, under any circumstances, say a dead person's name 3 times.
900) If you play with a some sort of witchcraft thing and the next month you end up pregnant, yet your still virgin, get an abortion!!!!!!!!
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