901) Be sure to grow eyes in the back of your head because the killer is always behind you.
902) Silver is a good thing to have.
903) When you are a counselor at a summer camp and you've just killed the monster and you decide to rest, never sit by a window.
904) Never enter a town you never heard of, or isn't on your map.
905) Never yell at a doll that has been talking without batteries.
906) I don't care what anyone say's! Clowns are the most evil, vile, corrupt things known to man!!!!
907) No matter how creative or enticing this idea may sound, never have sex in a coffin in an abandoned mansion in the middle of no where on Halloween.
908) If you and a friend are being chased by a monster or other nasty-bad thing from Hell, remember -- you don't have to outrun the monster; you only have to outrun your FRIEND.
909) Remember, even the villains have their own plan to survive, so don't let your guard down for a second!
910) If your the villain in the film, remember to take care of that pesky kid first and worry about the annoying friends later. The will eventually revenge the good friend's death and become easier to kill in the long run.
911) If you go exploring your house in the middle of the night and you find an open window, there is at least a 75% chance that you will turn around and get killed by a monster/psycho. If you don’t get killed immediately, you probably will shortly...
912) Never go swimming.
913) Never doubt that you saw something strange.
914) Never go near or give anything to the ghost of a dead relative. It always turns out to be the bad guy in disguise.
915) If ever caught in a Child's Play movie, for the love of God, kick the doll!!!
916) Always have a BOOM BOOM stick handy. "groovy"
917) Always keep running. Never stop to look at anything or help anyone. They're probably dead anyway and it only gives the killer(s) time to catch up to you.
918) If you're the jock/college man/sensitive guy that the virgin is in love with, you have a 50/50 shot of living long enough to be in the sequel, but never past the first 20 minutes of it.
919) If you meet a weird artist/painter/poet that everyone thinks is a nutcase and he lives in the apartment next to you, be careful. He's either the killer, or you're going to fall in love with him and find out that your boyfriend the respectable business man is a psychopath and only the weird artist can protect you.
920) Don't ever get drunk in a cornfield. Ever!
921) If either or both of your parents start storing bulky plainly-wrapped packages of meat in the freezer, move out! These almost never come from a butcher's shop.
922) If all your friends are getting high or drunk or doing something you don't want to be a part of, don't assume that leaving them and wandering off by yourself is the right thing to do. Chance are, you'll be attacked first or you'll live long enough to get scared, go back and find them all slaughtered, then get attacked. Either way, you're risking dismemberment.
923) If a deceased relative leaves you a run down old house, don't decide to go live in it! In fact, if an estranged relative leaves you anything you'd better just sell it without even catching a glimpse of it. Let the lawyer keep it, most of them deserve to die anyway.
924) Never ever dress up as a sociopath and make fun of them, it'll only piss them off and make you the next victim.
925) If you find out that you're adopted, then run like hell! You're probably the killer's long lost brother or sister!
926) If you get stabbed, you will probably get stabbed again.
927) Don't watch a scary movie and eat jello.
928) When in the bathroom at a horror movie showing, never put your ear to the bathroom stall to see what the strange voice is saying.
929) If you are attacked by a large animal resembling a wolf and the weird nurse that you have a crush on tells you that you are now a werewolf & you see one of your best friends get murdered and he continues to follow you around. . . You are probably a werewolf.
930) Avoid rooms with doors that are open just a little. If the monster is not behind the door chances are he will jump out at you while you turn and leave the room.
931) Always keep a lawnmower around for zombie infestations!
932) Never effect any plans to off the beast until 75-80 minutes into the movie (they all seem to last about 85 minutes), or an hour before dawn. Otherwise all but a maximum of one of the group will die in the most elaborate deaths, and likely if one does survive, he will only live long enough to tell the main character something like "The. . . charm . . . doesn't . . . work . . . aagggghhhh. . . ." However, if such a plan has been effected and failed, by all means attack immediately because most of the budget has probably just been depleted.
933) If you don't understand it, kill it.
934) If the gore hasn't been too elaborate by the end of the movie, use the magic totem thingy. The budget will be spent on the Gee Whiz Bang ending where the villain gets sucked into hell. (Only applies if villain is a generic demon type).
935) If you happen to come across a man/woman with no name or identity, turn around and walk away as quietly as possible.
936) If you find that your town is being suddenly invaded by little dwarves, silver spheres, zombies, and that there is a tall, old guy running around and telling you it's time to come back to him, either a) Leave town and go in the opposite direction NOW! or b) Team up with a zombie ass-kicking ice-cream vendor! Oh and by all means, DUCK when you see the sphere coming!!!!
937) For dealing with evil space ships:
-If the experimental space ship that has been missing for seven years suddenly turns up, leave it alone.
-Never walk into a newly created portal to Hell.
-Keep an eye on the ship's designer. He's the weak link. In fact, just kill him before you leave, save yourselves a lot of heartache.
-Don't fall (literally) for the hallucinations the ship gives you.
938) Don't step on the spider drones. Their king will be mad, follow you back from the jungle, and lay siege on your entire town.
939) Don't mess around with anything designed to activate latent telepathic/telekinetic powers. Because you did something wrong when you built it, and it's going to bring the big boogedy monsters across to twist your head off your shoulders.
940) If the doll wants to watch the news you do too.
941) Stay away from any thing that is called a "Good Guy doll." Note: This mistake has happened at least four times.
942) Don't Feel Sorry For anything....Ever. It will only get you killed in the end.
943) If you find yourself in a horror movie your best bet is to kill everything around you in the most creative way possible. If you do this you will (a) be the last "good guy" alive and thus the survivor. (unless it's a non-American film. If this is the case just pray to die quick).or (b) you will turn out to be the killer. (note: if this is the case you will probably end up dead anyway but at least you had fun and if you did a good job you will be resurrected till the end of time).
944) Before eating the paté, first check for chicken bones.
945) NEVER sing in Macbeth.
946) If you are attacked by a killer doll or toy remember that you are bigger than them and as long as you get the weapon out of their hand they are vulnerable. Kick, punch, slap, or do a Stonecold stunner on the evil toy and that will knock them out.
947) If in the past you've been stalked by a serial killer in your dreams, practice sleeping a minute less every day. Eventually, you'll be able to go for long periods without sleep, because trust me, the guy is coming back.
948) As soon as grandpa takes a taste in human flesh it's time to sell the kids.
949) Avoid any cruise ship that remains stationary in the water for any given amount of time. The crew and passengers have probably been eaten by a giant... well, big ugly thing.
950) Ammo is good. If you come across the body of a policeman, soldier, security guard, gang member, or anyone else who has a gun or fire-arm - take it! Take any shells, bullets, etc. around. Take several guns. Share them around. Laser targeting is good. Armor piercers are better! The above two combined with a rapid fire auto are best. You can never have too much ammo. It might also be an idea to have a credit card and a list of arms dealers handy.
951) If you are being chased by someone dead or evil, use holy water. It is the ultimate weapon against evil.
952) If you have a chainsaw, then find a shotgun. Don't put down the chainsaw, carry both of them.
953) If your uncle thinks you are a vampire, save yourself the hurt and kill him. He never loved you anyhow.
954) Old mines are boarded up for a reason.
955) If after a trip to the zoo your overbearing mother begins acquiring a taste for dog's and or leaders of local organizations please, please, please, do not try to reconcile your troubles by keeping her in the basement. Even if it is out of "love".
956) If in a Slasher film, you run to a car, open the door and a dead body falls out, the car is not defective, do not scream and run. Throw the body to the side, get in the car and drive immediately.
957) Never neck with someone you can't see in a mirror.
958) Sometimes being dead already can be an advantage. Make it work for you. Blend in!
959) Sure he has some icky alien tentacled thing attached to his face. But he's your co-worker, you should let him in--right? Wrong! Offer to punch his clock and let him sleep it off outside.
960) If all else fails there is one possible option. Immediately begin thinking logically about the space/time continuum. As most sci-fi/horror films completely disregard this, you should be immediately transported back to reality where the monster does not exist. (Note: This will NOT work if the movie is part of the Phantasm set, as the Tall Man seems to be able to control space/time)
961) If you see little kids jump-roping and singing a rhyme with the numbers 1-10 in it your in for a heap of trouble.
962) Stay away from any characters who are obsessed with any musical tune, especially classical music. Normal people do not whistle the same tune and play the same record continually. This is the villain!
963) When you walk into a dark room, never ask "Is anyone there?"
964) Never trust a man whose eyebrows meet. Unibrow spells trouble. Usually in the form of a werewolf.
965) You know those quaint little off-the-interstate restaurants that your driving companions always want to stop at? Yup, forget 'em. Trust me, there's always enough gas to make it to a McDonalds. If you have no other choice, order the salad. Even if its the house specialty, you really don't wanna try their "meat" pies.
966) If you are in a sci-fi movie, and you suspect a person to be an alien, kill them INSTANTLY!! they probably *were* the alien, and if not, they were gonna die anyway.
967) Comatose children are bad, BAD news.
968) Runes are usually not the best thing to have. If you happen to own a rune stone, remember you have a pretty good chance of being manipulated into giving it to the guy in black. If you REALLY want to get rid of it, phrase your bargain carefully. Do NOT ask for proof of his magic... other wise you might find yourself being turned into a Picasso piece or falling ten stories.
969) If the warlock seems to be interested in something you are wearing, give it to him.
970) People who are not fazed by anything are usually something to be worried about.
971) If Sam Neil ever shows up, run like hell. Nothing good will happen to you around him.
972) The safest place to be is not alone, in bed, under the covers. It's inside a lead-lined bunker 30 feet underground with enough rations to last a year.
973) Don't go away to school. Going to special schools just end up with a larger body count than some public schools. Be gifted in your rural area. Don't go to schools that show off your talents.
974) If you're fortunate enough to be in a vampire flick, invite him in and let him bite you! C'mon, sleep all day, party all night, never grow old, never die; it's fun to be a vampire.
975) Despite what adults say, school is bad. People always die at school.
976) Refrain from owning an anatomically correct mannequin. If you come into possession of such a dummy, think twice about naming it. And never use the dummy to explain "the facts of life" to the little ones, else trauma will ensue.
977) Remember, if you opt for the television version of the movie, the gorefest is at least cut by one third... that means good for you, bad for the viewers.
978) Odds are if the milk glows, it was not from a cow and should be left to spoil in the refrigerator.
979) Become a master of stalling. Rescue can't find you it seems, unless you jabber your head off trying to find out the villain’s plans, his past, his favorite soft drink etc.....
980) If you find out that you are a witch, and hang out with other witches, don't try to place a seal of goodness on the witch that practices black magic. She is more powerful than you and it will just piss her off.
981) Assumption is the mother of all screw ups.
982) When you run across a town that is surrounded by corn, apparently deserted, and you can hear the laughter of children, please leave before you find yourself mount on a cross for he who walks behind the rows. Don't stop until you get to a big city; other small towns may be corrupted too.
983) Be paranoid! Don't trust anyone that hasn't been your friend for at least three or four years. If the movie is about ghosts or demons possessing people just don't trust anyone.
984) If everyone else in the house has suddenly vanished don't go all around the house and look for them.
985) If you think that you're having a pretty boring life then get yourself a bad boy and you'll get a kill...I mean thrill out of life.
986) If you find that having emptied every last bullet you have into the monster hasn't stopped it , throwing the empty gun in desperation at it won't stop it either.
987) The janitor knows more than he lets on, especially if he's mentally challenged.
988) Any ship that is abandoned-either in space or at sea-is abandoned for a reason. Avoid such vessels at all costs.
989) Whatever you do, in any circumstances do not, I repeat, do not open the door at the top of the landing.
990) Read the whole script not just your parts, that way you can plan ahead of time and know whether or not you will actually die and even if it is really a good idea to actually participate in the movie in the first place. Saving everyone a whole lot of time.
991) If you ever had a one night stand, and the pregnancy time is a lot shorter than usual, BEWARE!!!! (if it's down to about one month, you're most probably doomed).
992) All mad serial killers who are executed will find a way to come back, be it through your dreams, along the wiring or in a cloud of gas. If your town, school or family are in any way connected to an erstwhile psycho, consider yourself DOA.
993) If your mother never told you who your father was, chances are he's not human (either a vampire, demon, Deep One, alien invader, or Satan), and beware, because dear old daddy will probably come back for you halfway through the movie.
994) Remember: Just keep driving, regardless of the nightmarish thing tossed onto your windshield.
995) Look, if anyone, be it a dog or person, has been in a big accident and they couldn't find the body, then he appears at his house, don't say this: "Hey Johnny! you're alive!! are you Ok??" That person usually has their back turned to you. If you say that, they will turn around, then you'll see the lovely pleasure of seeing their raw burnt cut up mangled face, before having your face taken off. Note: do it with something sharp, this guy's already endured a lot.
996) Never let the Evil Doctor wander off on his own.
997) If the humanoid-type killer has you cornered, kneeing him in the nuts won't help. If the guy can take six gunshots to the chest without being slowed down, it's doubtful that something that trivial will phase him.
998) Avoid whorehouses that have mortuaries for a "front". The ladies within will either be extraordinarily skanky or undead and likely to eat you. On the whole, a lose/lose situation.
999) Never ever crawl under sharp, pointy objects while trying to get a hold of your whiskey bottle!
1000) Listen to music. If a supernatural threatening menace of some type appears in your vicinity, you will have an immediate signal as to your upcoming fate. Some tell-tale signs to listen for... foreboding music (usually pipe organs or the like) mean trouble lack of music (followed by a sudden, single & loud cord) means harmless scares (usually a cat jumping out from a shelf) (note: this is usually followed by a true, viscous monster threat that appears as soon as you get over the initial feline shock) drum & bass techno music means is good news--you are not only going to NOT die, but kick some supernatural butt (note: your chances are increased if you are wearing sunglasses AND have some custom-made weaponry...whereas sunglasses and a simple leather jacket are more items of an expendable one-dimensional biker dude) calliope music & toy box music--bad too (these will attempt to lull you into a hypnotic, innocent, child-like trance... but expect any number of sharp objects to do you bodily harm--possible hooked chains from nowhere, or clowns with unnaturally long knives) absence of music, followed by your own attempt to fill the void (humming, singing)--don't do this, it shows you are frightened, and the soundtrack will surely return in a loud, sudden, ominous manner very soon--with a nasty physical attack in accompaniment
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