A. A. Milne: “One of the advantages of being dirorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.”
Albert Einstein: “I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.”
Paul Reiser: “I don’t remember names, I remember faces. You should be introduced by the face. Whatever it is you remember about that person. ‘Big Nose, Short Pants, come here a second. This is my friend, Hawaiian Shirt, Bad Haircut. Broken Glasses, Food-Stuck-In-His-Teeth.’ Whatever you remember.”
Pancho Villa (Mexican Revolutionary): “Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.”
Rita Mae Brown: “If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.”
Lisa Goich: "I filled out a rental application that asked, ‘Do you own any liquid filled furniture?’ Couldn’t they just have said ‘waterbed’? How many other forms of liquid filled furniture are there? ‘Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?’"
(The advantages of being Capt. in The Perfect Storm)
George Clooney: "You gaff a 500 pound swordfish through the eye to get it up on deck, then
you cut off its head with a chain saw. But I didn’t do any of that. I’m the captain. I just sit around and say ‘That’s a nice looking fish.’"
Dom Irrera: "I don’t understand people who go to amusement parks. I spend most of my time trying NOT to be nauseous and dizzy. ‘Excuse me, could you strap me in upside down? I’d like to be as sick as humanly possible. I feel great today, I think I’ll go down to Funland and snap my neck on the back of a ride. Honey, let’s bring the kids, I want to give them a spinal cord injury for Christmas.’"
Ulysses S. Grant: “I know only two tunes: one of them is “Yankee Doodle” and the other one isn’t.”
Bob Hope: “You know you’re old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
Larry Miller: "If you’re less than ten years old you’re so excited about aging you think in fractions. ‘How old are you?’ ‘Six and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100 you become a kid again: ‘104. And a half!’"
Patton Oswalt: "Evangelists say Halloween is the devil’s holiday. What a lame-ass devil! Sitting down in the depths of hell, going, ‘I’ve got control of the major corporations, churning out weapons and toxic waste, but how can I get candy? Let me think -- I’ll get the children of the world to dress up as hobos and Power Rangers -- and then I’ll have all the bite-size Three Musketeers I need! I am Satan!’"
Jay Leno: “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than in front of other women. They say women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Matt Weinhold: “I have freinds who are very New Agey. Always clutching their crystals: ‘My crystal help me, and protect me, and guide me...’ Look, you live in your van. I don’t think it’s working for you. Maybe a shower would help, followed by work of some sort.”
Elayne Boosler: “I have six locks on my door, all in a row, and when I go out I only lock every other lock. ‘Cause I figure no matter how long somebody stands there, picks the locks, they’re always locking three.”
Elayne Boosler: “People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s in water. But it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.”
Catherine Aird: “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.”
George Carlin: “I’m not going to apologize for this, but I have my own personal psychic. He doesn’t predict the future, and he can’t tell you much about your past. But he does a really fantastic job of describing the present. For instance, he can tell you exactly what you’re wearing but he can’t dor it over the phone.”
Kathleen Madigan: "Kids? It’s like living with homeless people. They’re cute but they just chase you around all day long going, ‘Can I have a dollar? I’m missing a shoe! I need a ride!’"
Jay Leno: “A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.”
Larry Miller: "I broke up with someone, and she said, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again.’ And I’m thinking, I hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone just like you? Does anybody end a bad relationship and say, ‘By the way, do you have a twin?’"
Drake Sather: “Milk Bone dog biscuit commercials showed dogs being ashamed of their bad breath. Those were realistic. I think if my dog was concerned about his breath, he’d stop eating his own vomit.”
Garry Shandling: “Here’s a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls: worst way to wake up. The phone rings; it’s loud; you can’t turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me, and then it rings kind of quiet, and you hear a guy yell, ‘What are you calling me for?’ Then you get up and take a shower. It’s great.”
Joan Rivers: “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
R.E. Shay: “Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.”
Wanda Sykes-Hall: "They say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If you husband starts acting up, you can’t take him back to his mama’s house. ‘I don’t know; he just stopped working. He’s just laying around making a funny noise.’"
Bill Bellamy: "I had my car stolen. Anybody ever had a car stolen from them? That is the worst feeling in the world because what happens is, you refuse to accept that it’s your car that is gone. I stood in the parking lot for two days; I was like, 'Nah, they’ll be back.'"
Delrish Moss: “We’ve got a dog that’s dead, and we can’t explain it. We’ve got a police officer who’s sick, and we can’t explain it. We’ve got a cat that’s dying, and we can’t explain that. There has to be a reason.”
(Poster in H--’s class talking of circles.)
(a poster): “Even when you’re going in circles you don’t have to be lost.”
(First thought after reading this.)
Kell-Lee: “Yeah, once you’ve wandered around the area half a dozen times, you’ll start to
recognize landmarks.”
Dave Barry: “It’s a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don’t be shy! After all, you’re paying for it.”
(On the internet.)
Deniis Miller: “It is an amazing communications tool that’s bringing the whole world
together. I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it’s just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world, in China, someone you’ve never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you’re hearing.”
Mitch Ratliffe: “A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.”
George Bush, U.S. President: “I have opinions of my own -- stong opinions -- but I don’t always agree with them.”
(1968 presidential campaign)
George Wallace: “I’ve read about foreign policy and studied... I know the number of
continents.”
(A post, as quoted from B-- on the NAWar10 list)
B--: “Hey Addicts! Fact: the WarLord’s an idiot and broke his own rule about no Xover characters. But, even if the WarLord stuck a recycled pencil up his nose, that wouldn’t make it a good idea for us to do it, too. We’d take pictures, though. {eg}”
General Douglas MacArthur: “We are not retreating -- we are advancing in another direction.”
Sean Connery: “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says: ‘My God, you’re right! -- I never would’ve thought of that!”
Spike Milligan: “Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”
Oscar Wilde: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
On to Bay 03.
Back to Bay 01.
Back to People Quotes.
