 |
|
|
July 17, 2000 8:45 p.m. During the summer of 1999 was my first experience of coming out to someone. I was visiting my best friend Josh, and we have the habit of staying up until the early hours of the morning talking in bed. He had recently come to me on my birthday a few months prior to my visit. I knew that my visit to his apartment in Oklahoma would be the best opportunity to tell him that I too was gay. So, we were talking in bed, and the conversation had hit a lull. I could feel my heart pounding in my toes, and a droplet of sweat rolled down my face. I could hear myself repeating the words, "Josh, I'm gay.." in my head, but they just wouldn't formulate in my mouth. I couldn't believe how extremely hard it was. I knew that he was gay, and he would be completely accepting of it. He was always someone I was close to, and he would be there every step of way for me… Yet I just couldn't utter three simple words. I had delivered speeches in front of hundreds of people…performed for thousands, but saying three words seemed like an obstacle that I couldn't bear to surpass. I completely copped out, and I told him that I had to write something on his computer. He knew exactly what I was trying to say…I could feel it. So, I typed out on the screen, "I'm gay." I told him that he needed to read what I wrote, and so he did. He came back to his bed. I felt like I had missed a heartbeat…or two. There was complete silence. It wasn't the comfortable silence that just passes by in a conversation, but an unbearable stillness that took over the world. I didn't know what to say, and I had no idea how he felt. But slowly, we began speaking, and he hugged me. That was exactly what I needed…the sense of acceptance. He knew how hard this was for me because it was something that he had gone through. We went out for some fresh air, and by no time, things were back to normal. It was definitely a positive experience for me and him because now we are able to go through being gay together… and believe me when I say that when we met.. four years prior… that we would be going through being gay together. However, if you ask his parents… they thought that we were having sex in high school… Dom was the next person that I came out to. It was in September 1999…our freshman year in college. We were dating each other, and I knew that something was up with her. (if you have any questions about a gay man dating a girl, write me)… We had taken a walk and I went to my dorm room to get something. I returned to hers, and she was slumped over onto her bed crying. I took her to the futon and held her in my arms. We delivered no words to each other, yet for some reason, I knew that she understood that I was gay. The thoughts in my head that I wasn't able to express to Josh were unspoken between Dom and I, yet understood. Soon, I started to cry because I cared very much for Dom, and I knew that I had hurt her. She returned the favor of holding me in her arms…helping me to break free from the chains that held me back from telling her I was gay. We shared one last passionate kiss, and we cried some more. It was hard for both Dom and I, but I knew we would be there for each other through this all. We always have a shoulder reserved for each other to lean on and an ear that will listen to every word that is said. We smiled at each other and I felt this weight being lifted off of me. I could finally be completely open to her. It was a natural high that I got from coming out, and I was truly proud of who I was. And now, we can talk about cute boys together... Little by little, I let more and more people know that I am gay. It wasn't something that I needed to hide anymore. However, my family is a different story. I always said to others that I didn't know if I would ever tell my parents..(as if they don't already have the inclination…) but I also said that I knew that I would be able to tell my sister..and even my cousins. Two days ago, I didn't know that time would present itself. I came home from eating at TGI Friday's with Dom, and near my parents computer was a post-it note with some of my friends online journals. I was winded. I knew she had been to my online journal, and I was absolutely speechless. The fact that she had read my journal didn't bother me at all, but I just didn't know how to face the fact that my sister saw in cold hard words that she had a gay brother. I told myself that this was a blessing in disguise, and this was the opportunity that I have been waiting for. She was at work, and there was nothing that I could do about it. I went to watch a movie with Katie, and for the three hours that we watched The Patriot…I was able to forget about dealing with my sister. On our drive home from the theater, I sat there thinking. I was on the verge of crying, but I didn't. I repeated to myself that this was the best thing that could happen to me..and so Katie and I sat in my family room talking. My sister wasn't coming home until 3:00 a.m. that morning and it was only 12:00 a.m. We waited, and Katie finally left around 2:00 a.m. I waited for my sister, and she finally came home around 4:00 a.m.… OMG!!! She sat in my room for awhile making small talk, and she moved to my parents room. I wanted to initiate the conversation…but I was so weak. I entered my parents room and sat on the bed. …and sat…and sat.. Finally, I told her that I knew she had read my journal. I asked how much of it she actually read, and she responded with "Not all of it.." She had read my bio, and that was enough to do the damage. She then replied to me that she wasn't going to read my journal because it was personal, and if there was something that I wanted to tell her, I would. I left the conversation at that. I just couldn't do it. I know that by the end of the summer I will talk about it with her, but it just wasn't the right time for me. I failed at this attempt…but I won't the next… (If you want me to finally put up my cast list…. bitch at me) 
|
| y e s t e r d a y |
