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November 5, 2000 I don't know what's up, but I feel like I am in heat right now. Ever guy that walk my way seems to be catch my eye. I make some stupid comment to whom ever I am walking with that he was "fuckable" or if he's really yummy…"datable." It's really gotten to the point where it has been effecting my everyday life because my mind is so fixated on getting a piece, and I really think that until I do so, I am just going to be stuck saying, "Mmm….fuckable," every time a somewhat decent guy walks by. It makes me sad to say that I actually did something about my current situation tonight. I ran across this one guy that kind of got my attention. We started talking, and things led from talking to making out. Things were going well. But, that's where I went from having a good time to being really uncomfortable. I can't really place what made me feel so awkward, but all I knew is that I wanted to go home. Just from talking to him, I knew that nothing would come of this. Saying that we are two guys in two completely different worlds is an understatement. Halfway through our evening, his friends stops by, and he was a really good looking guy. As I was sitting on the bed naked, we were introduced. His name was Brian. Anyway, the rest of the evening consisted of me "pleasing" one guy, then the next. In all my fantasies, I thought I would enjoy this..but it just wasn't doing it for me. I stopped everything, and I said that I wasn't happy, and that I wanted to go home.. We kind of talked things out, and eventually…I got home. I thought that something like this would really get my mind of boys for a while, but it seriously just made me feel more empty inside. It was completely meaningless "sex." To tell you the truth, I feel incredibly dirty, and I am in no way happy about my actions tonight. I really don't know why I get myself into these situations, but I always seem to find myself in them. I'm sure that you can see right though me, and that the reason I do these things is because I am feeling really alone. Well, that is indeed the case. I know that I am not happy right now, but I don't know what would make me happy, or at the least…content. I know it's not meaningless sex, and I know that it's not friends. I am really trying to understand do something about the areas in my life that are lacking, but for the first time, I don't know what is keeping me so melancholic. I feel like everything that I am doing is wrong, and at this point…I just don't care about anything. I feel so dead to the world, and it's as if the world would even care if I just disappeared. I mean, I don't want to scare you in thinking that this is some plea for help, or that I am even considering doing something drastic. I know that this is just some phase in my life right now. I love my family and friends too much to leave them behind. So, don't worry about me because at this point, I am not really worry about anything. I know that after a while, I will be as happy as I ever was. I just need to get to that point, and getting there…I guess…is the hard part… 
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