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February 1, 2001 What am I doing with my life…?! I used to be so happy and so optimistic about everything, but there is just so much in this world that is so negative,…and I just can't take the pressure anymore. I always complain about the stupidest things, and I say how miserable things are in my life…and then I see all these other people who would die for the life that I live. I know that I have been very lucky with my life…whether it be about my family, schooling, money, friends….whatever. I am lucky, and I am very grateful, but you know what? I still deserve some time to bitch and not be happy. That perpetually happy BJ has kind of disappeared because I haven't seen him for about a year. I always praise myself about how much I haven't changed. I say that yeah, college has matured me, but I'm still the same old BJ…but am I?! Have I really change? I don't know…. and that really scared me. I need to do some deep soul searching. I have to re-find myself. And, before I can truly be happy, I need to figure out what makes me unhappy. I have to find that light inside of myself that used to burn and spread happiness in my life and others that were near me. I have to redefine the things that I want to accomplish in my life…or at least in my time in college. I need some new direction in my life. I guess that the hard part is just figuring out how and where to begin… 
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