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February 10, 2002 I am not happy…I can't place what it is that is causing me to feel this way, but I know that I am not pleased with where I am in my life right now. I see others around me and it seems like they are so content in their lives. I know that no one is truly happy with their lives, but that doesn't seem to comfort me. I feel so alone right now. I know that I have felt this way before, but I hate it when I do feel this way because it's such an insult to my friends. They are always there for me when I need them, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Right now, I am not happy with my schooling, my feels of loneliness, my love life…or lack of one… and my attitude towards the rest of the world. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. I don't know what makes me happy inside. I hat it…why can't I control these feelings…? Why do I have to question everything? Why do I ask so many questions when I am in these moods? Why the hell can't I just feel happy again? I am sitting her in the same room with two of my best friends, and I feel so alone…how is that even possible. Why is that so wrong? I heard Tony's and my song on the radio tonight, and it utterly depressed me. Not because we're not together anymore, but because I don't have that feeling of security when you're dating someone. I hat that. Why do I need another person to help me feel secure? I am a strong person, and I should be able to just suck it up, but I wish it was that easy. I feel so powerless and vulnerable. There are days when I feel like running away from the rest of the world and never coming back; the feeling of leaving behind everything that I know and rediscovering who I am. Why is that never an option in the morning? Maybe it's because I know deep down that I am really satisfied with my life….or maybe it's because I'm too scared. 
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