I walked off the podium, shaking and tears pouring down my cheeks, as everyone sat in silence. The only sounds that could be heard were people sobbing loudly. I don't think there was a single person in he church not crying.
When I got to the pew I was sitting in, Chris enveloped me in a hug, and we cried on eachother for the rest of the funeral.
When it was over, we didn't say a word to anyone, and silently slipped out of the church. It was mutual that neither of us wanted to hear the "I'm so sorry for your loss" speeches.
I'm not exactly sure what happened on the way home. I don't remember having fallen asleep, but suddenly I was transported into the Smokey white world, where I always met Josh.
I was standing the the midst of endless smoke and haze, when Josh seemed to appear out of no where.
"Hi." I said softly.
He smiled sadly, a profound look on his face. "Thank you."
I looked at him questioningly. "For what?"
"I saw you at my funeral. Everything you said and did. . . was beautiful."
I smiled. "I just wanted to say good-bye in a way I know you would appreciate."
Josh looked away. "Danielle. . This is the last time I'm going to come visit you like this."
"What?!" I cried. "Why?!"
"When I first came to you, I said I would stop when you didn't need me anymore. And you don't."
"Yes I do." I said, tears filling my eyes. "I do need you!"
Josh shook his head. "No you don't. You have Chris now. He loves you and he'll take care of you."
"But-"
"I can't come anymore. I'm sorry. It's not my decision."
I sat down in the clouds. "When will I see you again?"
Josh kneeled next to me. "When one day, as an old lady, you fall asleep, and awake at the gates of heaven. I'll be there waiting to welcome you."
I nodded. "That's what I was afraid you'd say."
Josh stood up. "I have to go now."
I stood up next to him, tears streaming down my cheeks. "I love you, Josh."
"I love you, too." he kissed the tip of my nose. "Good-bye."
"Good-bye."
And then I was alone.
When Chris and I got home, I went up to the apartment, and out onto the balcony where I curled up in a chair and starred out into the vast night sky.
Chris came out and sat down next to me. "What are you doing?"
I pointed up at the sky. "You see that bright star, four stars to the left of the moon?"
He nodded.
"When we were little, Josh was going to New York for a vacation one summer, and I couldn't go. He came to my house the night before he left and said every night we were apart we should look up at the shy at that star, and even though we were so far apart, we'd be together. I feel that as long as I can still see that star, Josh is still here with me, even though we are so far apart."
Chris took my hand and squeezed it gently.
Closing my eyes, I rested my head on his shoulder and suddenly felt safe.
Part Fifteen
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Part Seventeen