I barely got any sleep that night. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes, Josh was there, waiting for me. Another memory, words that I never got the chance to say, images of the shooting. They were haunting me.
I don't know what I would have done if Chris wasn't there to comfort me, every time I woke up sobbing. If he wasn't there. . . I probably wouldn't be alive right now.
The next morning, I starred at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't even recognize myself. My face was pale and tear-stained. My normally wide, expressive green eyes were red and puffy. My long golden brown hair was frazzled, and my nose was pink and raw at the tip.
"Danielle?" Chris asked, knocking lightly on the bathroom door.
"Yeah?" I asked. My throat was sore from so much crying, and you could tell it by the way I spoke.
"How are you doing in there?" he asked. Ever since I threatened my life last night, he had been very careful about leaving me alone too long.
"I'm fine." I replied.
"Just checking," he said. "We should probably leave soon."
"All right. Give me five more minutes."
"Ok." I heard Chris drag his feet back down the hall.
Everyone was meeting at the hotel Chris was supposed to be staying at to talk about Josh's final arrangements.
Everyone being Roy, Karen, Heather, and Tyler Chasez; Josh's family, Joey Fatone, Lance Bass, Brittny Abrahamson, Justin Timberlake, Katie McGraw; Josh and Chris's bandmates from the group NSYNC, and they're girlfriends who were also two of my best friends, and Jeff Clarke, NSYNC's media manager.
I looked at my image once again, before washing my face, and running a brush through my hair.
How am I going to get through today? I asked myself. I have to be strong. I have to be strong for Roy and Karen. I will not cry.
The second I walked into Joey's hotel room, where everyone had decided to meet, I almost broke my promise to myself not to cry.
Everyone looked horrible. They all looked like me. I'd never seen so many guys on the verge of tears before.
As soon as she saw me, Brittny jumped up from where she was sitting on one of the double beds with her boyfriend, Lance, and ran over to me.
"How are you holding up?" she asked.
"Not to well." I answered, gripping Chris's hand tightly.
"This is so awful. I can't believe it's all happening. JC is the last person on earth that deserved this. Lance and I were up all night talking about him, crying over old memories.
Talking? How can you talk about it? I can barely think about it, let alone utter actual words. I couldn't even gather enough energy at that moment to answer her.
I think she understood, because she gave me a quick hug, and went back to join Lance on the bed.
I noticed Justin sitting on the same bed, his arms wrapped tightly around Katie, whose head was rested on his shoulder. She shot me an empathetic look, but said nothing, as Chris and I sat down on the floor, leaning against the dresser.
Now everyone was there.
The room was quiet, nobody wanting to say anything. Especially not me.
Finally, Jeff spoke. "I know this is the last thing anyone wants to think about, but, there are millions of mourning fans all over the world. Just as many rumors are swirling. People want to know what happened, and they want to hear it from you. There is a press conference set up for tomorrow morning. It can be canceled if that's to soon, but, you will have to do this sooner or later. You have to also decide about the rest of the tour. You still have two weeks worth of shows to do."
The guys looked back and forth between eachother, as if speaking to eachother without actually saying anything.
Josh and I used to be able to do that.
"Keep the conference for tomorrow." Joey decided.
"It's best if we tell the world the truth, and let them know we're canceling the rest of the tour." Justin added.
"You are?" Katie asked.
Justin nodded, sadly. "There is no NSYNC without JC. We can't-and won't-continue on without him."
I closed my eyes. The bad talk was beginning. They were speaking as if Josh really was gone.
"We need to talk about the funeral." Karen put in softly.
I suddenly felt as if all air was closed off from my lungs. What was I thinking? I can't go through with this. Should I just get up and leave?
I shivered, a sudden chill running through my body.
"It's gonna be okay." a voice whispered.
My head jerked up. "What?" I asked.
Chris looked at me strangely. "We're going to talk about the funeral." he answered quietly.
"I-I know." I shook my head. "Never mind."
If Chris hadn't just whispered that to me, who had? There was no one close enough beside him.
"I think it should be a closed ceremony." Lance said. "It's got to be something special, and the press being there could just ruin it."
"That's a good idea. I was thinking the same thing myself." Roy said.
Heather wrote that down in a notebook. Apparently she was taking notes.
"Maybe we should have a memorial service for anyone who wants to attend." Chris suggested. "JC would want something where people could all remember him."
"You're right." Karen said. "We should do that."
"And anyone who want to, can get up and say a few words." Tyler added.
"Speaking of that, who wants to speak at the funeral?" asked Karen.
"I do." Justin offered.
"So do I." said Chris.
"Me, too." Joey piped up.
"I will." Katie said.
"I think we all want to." Lance said.
Brittny nodded.
My eyes widened. I definitely did not want to get up in front of a ton of people, try to speak, and end up breaking down.
"Danielle?" Karen asked, gently. "Do you want to speak at the funeral?"
"I-" I wanted to say no. Who was I kidding? I couldn't say no to this poor woman. She was like a second mother to me. But, I couldn't say yes either.
I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder, and turned my head quickly to the side. No one was there. But I-I could feel it.
"Danielle?"
"I-I-"
"You'll be okay." an airy voice whispered.
There was no one nearby to say that. Who kept saying it then? There was no one who sounded like that. No one who sounded like Josh.
"Well?"
I couldn't handle it. The pressure. The sadness. The voices.
I got up and ran out of the room.