Chapter 20 – My Immortal
I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I’d wipe away all your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Evanescence
Earlier before Spike’s arrival at the beach house…
She felt good.
But that was entirely due to
the morphine shot that Angel had poked in her butt an hour before and the
marijuana she was currently smoking. At the moment life was good and funny as
hell.
Cordelia was curled up on
the couch. Her head was on Angel’s lap while he idly ran his fingers through
her newly grown hair. It was only about an inch long but it was enough for him.
She slowly exhaled her latest puff, deliberately blowing it in Buffy’s face.
Her friend wouldn’t actually smoke the stuff. Her excuses genuine; I’m a mother
having to set a good example, Spike wouldn’t like it, and the best of all, it’s
not good for me to do that stuff.
It was true. Buffy had
fought for years to keep herself out of depression and away from her favorite
crutch of alcohol. But now she seemed to be doing well. Better than someone
should be in the position she was. The teenage girl that was only interested in
boys and her defunct social life had grown into a woman with incredible
strength and grace.
But Cordelia also knew what Buffy
was going to have to endure in the near future. Exactly what price the Powers
would ask from her.
The way she figured it, let
Buffy have a few laughs before the tears came. And at the moment Buffy was
giggling. Like a little girl. With all the buoyant exuberance that came from
someone without any fears. It was good.
“Oh, my god,” Buffy said as
she carefully put her wine glass down on the table. “The man is like nothing
there. I mean, Spike has an average build but next to Dylan he’s huge.”
“And next to Angel he’s petite,”
Cordelia said. “You know what they say…”
Buffy held her fingers up.
Her thumb and index finger about half an inch apart.
“Yep, tiny dick,” Buffy
giggled. “Probably couldn’t even feel it.”
“Who would want to find out?”
Angel asked, dryly. “The man has the personality of a fruit fly.”
For some reason this set
both women off in another uncontrollable fit of laughter. The conversation had
started innocently enough over dinner. But over the course of the evening with
the help of the wine and the marijuana, the discussion of Dylan had turned into
a bitchfest about him. Everything from his clothes and now to his body was
being torn apart by the three. Cordelia had tried to like the young man but his
current activities concerning Faith and Spike had her on edge.
“Well, Faith says his tongue
is ambi…ambidicks,” Buffy stuttered. She snapped her fingers while the other
two started laughing again. “Ambidextrous. That’s it.”
“Buffy, please,” Angel pleaded,
raising his hand and scrunching up his face. “I don’t want to hear anything
about that.”
“Kissing, Angel, kissing”
Buffy clarified. “She hasn’t slept with him yet.”
“Thank goodness,” Cordelia
said. “If she had sex with him instead of Max, I would seriously question her
sanity.”
“Been there done that,”
Buffy said, laughing. “Yeah, and what is that Slayer’s problem? Can’t she see
how hot Max is? I mean just look at that ass and abs he has. Dylan is
just…just, I don’t know, doesn’t he remind you of a monkey?”
“A monkey?” Angel asked.
“Yeah, I could see that. Tickling his armpits and making stupid noises.”
“Not to mention throwing
shit at people,” Cordy added.
They were all laughing but
Buffy got the giggles. She couldn’t stop. She held onto her sides and threw her
head back as she tried to breathe. Cordelia and Angel were so into watching Buffy;
they hadn’t heard him come into the house. Cordelia was the first to spot Spike
standing in the doorway holding champagne and roses. The expression on his face
was so lost and hurt that Cordelia wanted to tell him that everything would be
all right. She remained silent.
Buffy caught sight of her
husband in the next moment. She turned to him with a bright smile on her face.
The giggles had vanished. The love she had for him was so evident in the joy on
her face upon seeing him. For a second it was like no one else existed as he
returned her smile. Spike took a seat on the floor next to Buffy, laying the
roses on her lap and the champagne on the table.
“Oh, Spike, they’re beautiful,” Buffy said. Her nose
was buried deep in the bouquet. She turned to him for a kiss. “Thank you.
What’s the occasion?”
“Just because I love you,” Spike said, pulling her
close beside him. “What are you all doing?”
“Getting Buffy high,” Cordelia said, with a smile.
She could already tell that Spike wasn’t happy that Buffy wasn’t sober. She
wanted to take the blame before the happiness between the couple became tense. “She’s such a prude that she wouldn’t do it without
you but I think she’s got contact high.”
“Did you want to, Luv?” Spike purred, running his
hand along her back. “Go ahead. I won’t care.”
“No,” Buffy said, looking at him perplexed. “I’m
fine. Been drinking plenty of wine and pot with it would be very unmixy.” She
giggled then Cordelia joined her.
“They’ve been like this for the last hour,” Angel
said, dryly. He stroked Cordelia’s short hair. “Laughing over the stupidest
things and making fun of everyone.”
Buffy was reaching for her glass of wine when she
almost spilled it. Although he had just given her permission to indulge,
Spike’s expression clearly showed he wasn’t okay with it. Obviously, he was
trying not to be upset with her. It touched Cordelia that he wanted her
happiness so much that he would deny his own.
“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Buffy pouted,
caressing his face. “I didn’t mean to if you are.” She kissed the corner of his
mouth, letting her tongue dart out to taste his bottom lip. “Am I your bad girl
that needs to be punished?”
Everything changed with that one comment. It was
evident in even the tensing of Spike’s body. It looked like he had seen a
ghost…a very haunting ghost.
~~~~~~~~
November, 1880
It had been almost five months since he had been
turned. During those months Spike had learned to survive within the family. His
love for violence growing with each day that he was under their tutelage. Life since
then had become a game. It was certainly more exciting than the rigid rules of
the Victorian Society he had tried to live by as a human.
And he was Drusilla’s lover. Since his show of force
with Drusilla, the two of them were constant companions. Well, except for when
Angelus wanted her to amuse him. She didn’t seem to mind and as Angelus said,
Spike could take but never have. So, he endured those times, usually going out
to hunt by himself or to find other amusements to while away the time.
This eve was one of those times. Angelus was bored
with everything. They had been stuck in
He stayed away until nearly dawn hoping that by the
time he returned the others would be sleeping again. It wasn’t his lucky night.
The smell of sex and blood was heavy in the air when he walked through the
door. Not wanting to be involved he headed for the stairs.
“William, is that you?” Drusilla called. “Where have
you been?”
“Yes, dear William,” Angel said softly. His anger at
Spike’s leaving without permission was clear even in the calm of his voice.
“What have you been doing this eve? We’ve missed you.”
Sighing, he turned and headed for the parlor. Angelus
was sitting on the sofa with Darla curled beside him. At his feet and between
his legs was his dark princess. None of them were dressed in much. The women wore
undergarments which were only half fastened and Angelus only in pants.
“Where have you been?” Angelus growled.
“Hunting, playing,” was Spike’s terse play. He wasn’t
in the mood for this.
“Without me,” Dru pouted. “I was a bad girl for
wanting to play with Daddy instead. He did it to punish me.”
“No, pet, you were otherwise occupied,” Spike said,
rocking on his feet. “I didn’t think that I would be missed.”
Darla drew a finger across Angelus’ chest. “I think
he has grown cocky again. He thinks that he is one of us.”
“It seems that way,” Angelus said, smiling down at
his mate. Although since Spike’s first ‘lesson’ on the floor of the cave he had
become Angelus’ companion and lover, his unlife was on the older vampire’s
terms or whims. Spike knew that but over the months he had hoped that he was
becoming less thought of as a fledging. “Come here, boy.”
It seemed he thought wrong. With heavy footsteps he
approached the threesome knowing that he was about to become their amusement.
Drusilla slipped onto the sofa next to her Daddy. Angelus pointed at the spot
just vacated by Dru. Spike swallowed. He did what he was told.
“Suck my cock,” Angelus commanded.
It was either do it or suffer a beating. He was to be
humiliated as a reminder of his place in the family. Knowing it would be
quicker and at least a little more pleasant, Spike undid the stays of his
Sire’s trousers. He ignored the cackling by the women when he lowered his head.
He ran his tongue along the underneath of the heavy member, enjoying the rush
of power when Angelus couldn’t stop the quiver that ran through him.
Using his tongue he lavished Angelus’ cock with
attention, swirling around the tip, ticking at the base and just licking it as
if it was the best candy in the world. He rolled the balls in the palm of his
hand, gently stroking it in the way he knew his Sire preferred. It didn’t take
long before the cum ran down his throat. He swallowed like the good boy was
supposed to be. Keeping his eyes down, Spike leaned back on his haunches after
putting Angelus’ cock away.
The slap was unexpected. Usually after a good
performance he would get some kind of decency in the way of a word or touch. He
held his cheek as he reeled back hitting the chair. What surprised him the most
was that it was Drusilla who had slapped him. She was angry with him.
“You are my prince,” she growled. “I made you to
amuse me, to keep me company when Daddy was doing important things.”
“So, boy, how does it feel?” Angelus said, laughing.
“You were only made to be a plaything for when she can’t have my attention. It
wasn’t a bad choice because you have been a very astute student and have
learned to be one of the best cocksuckers I’ve ever had. ”
“He is good with his mouth,” Darla said, laughing
too. “It’s too bad that those horrid people at that party didn’t know. They
could have just put him in a room and let him pleasure them. He could have been
useful then.”
It was then that he swore that one day it wouldn’t be
like that. That one day he would matter to them.
But some things never change…
~~~~~~~
“No, pet,” Spike said,
stroking Buffy’s hair. He kissed her
cheek then gave a quick look around at everyone. “I’m pretty tired. I’m going
to head off to bed.”
Without another word he
stood and exited the room. Buffy watched him leave in surprise. Something was
wrong. Guilt flashed through her. Standing she went to follow him. The other
couple was forgotten in her need to make things right with Spike. They didn’t
often get nights when they could be alone like this. She wanted to walk on the
beach, holding hands and talking silly couple talk. Now, it was all mucked up.
She closed the door behind
her and leaned against it. Spike was sitting at the end of the bed. His shirt was
already off and he was in the process of pulling his socks off. He didn’t look
up at her.
“Spike, are you angry with
me?”
“No, Luv.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
This time he did look up.
His eyes met hers and he held his arms out to her. She hurried to him, letting
him pull her next to him, and lay his head against her stomach. She ran her
fingers through his hair as she waited for him to speak.
“Everything is confusing,”
Spike said. He pulled back, undoing her robe before pulling it down her arms.
It fell, pooling on the floor forgotten as he rubbed his face against her
belly. “You are always here,” Spike whispered. “You’ve never left.”
“I’m not leaving you,” Buffy
said, caressing his shoulders.
“Who are you?” Spike
laughed. “You feel like my Buffy.” He pulled her negligee up, pushing it up as
far as he could. She finished pulling it off and dropped it on the floor. He
wrapped his hand around her calf, directing her to put her foot on the bed.
“You smell like my Buffy.” He buried his nose against her lace covered pussy,
inhaling deeply.
His tongue swept along her
slit, digging and separating her until he was able to flick at her small bundle
of nerves. Her fingers dived into his curls holding on as he tasted her.
“Such sweetness,” Spike
whispered, pulling back to nuzzle the softness of her mound. “I love you,
tasting you, pleasuring you, drinking down every drop that you give to me.”
“I love it, too,” Buffy whispered,
hoping that whatever was upsetting him was fading away. “I love you.”
His mouth trailed away to
the thigh propped up beside him. “All of you is sweet.” Spike switched to game
face and bit into the flesh of her leg so quickly she had no time to prepare.
His first bite wasn’t enough somehow. She watched him pull back then gnaw
deeper into her. His bite when given during the heights of passion was barely
felt. This was almost cruel in the pain it gave her.
Buffy swallowed as she
watched him drink. His eyes were closed, his Adam’s apple moving up and down as
he sucked at her, while his hands were holding her up. She felt weak as he
started to take too much. She swayed. He pulled away, looking up at her. A thin
stream of blood ran down his chin, dripping down onto his chest. He waited. She
knew what he wanted. Her fingers traced the ridges of his face before shoving
him down onto the bed.
A smile graced his face as
she straddled him. If this was what he needed then she would give it. She
licked the blood from him, following it from his chest upwards to his mouth.
The copper taste wasn’t wholly unpleasant to her. Since her pregnancy with Joy
she had become more comfortable with this type of play. Spike’s demon rejoiced
in her willingness to compromise.
Holding his face in her
hands, she slipped her tongue into the warm depths of his mouth. There was more
blood. His. He must have cut his tongue on a fang. The sensations hit her hard.
The power of their combined blood, of her mate’s blood, mixed with the effects
of the wine and pot, sent her spiraling into a kaleidoscope of sexual desire.
Hungrily, she swept his mouth searching for every drop while his hands devoured
her flesh.
He squeezed at her bottom,
roamed along her back then became lost in her hair. The dark tresses were
mussed and teased until it was nothing more then tangles. She reveled in the
raw need between them. Her hips were spelling a cadence of their own as they
ground down upon his hardened flesh.
“Do you want my cock?” Spike
asked, yanking her hair to pull her away from him. He sneered up at her. “Will
only I satisfy you?”
“You know that,” Buffy
panted, not caring at how desperate she sounded. Spike was her everything.
“Please, don’t turn me away.” She rained kisses along his chest until he
wrapped his arms around her and flipped them.
A soft mewl left her when he
stood to pull his jeans off. He picked her foot up, bringing it to his mouth.
He suckled the big toe before biting the instep. He broke the skin and with his
eyes never leaving hers he licked the blood from it. She moaned as his hand
traced her calf. He placed her foot lovingly back on the bed. She watched as he
walked around the room, lighting candles and turning the lamps off.
Spike walked to the french
doors that opened onto the verandah. He opened them and stood there, arms
outstretched. He inhaled deeply.
“She’s wild, free, no man
shall ever break her,” Spike said. “Do you know, pet, that sometimes at night,
in the darkness or in the semi-light my eyes plays tricks on me? I see her.” He
looked over his shoulder at her.
His eyes were distant and
Buffy knew that he was somewhere else. Although physically he was with her, his
emotions and his memories were taking him elsewhere. The pain in his eyes was
so deep that it hurt to look at him. She once more damned the ones before her
that turned such a gentle soul into the creature he had become.
She didn’t need to ask who
he saw. It was always her…Drusilla. The woman who would always be the one she
was compared to. Buffy closed her eyes in resignation.
“Some nights I even
fantasize that you are her,” Spike continued. His voice had dropped to a mere
whisper. He walked to her robe, pulling the belt from its loops. “Some nights
all I want is you.” He chuckled as he crawled onto the bed. “You never wanted
to play when we were first together. You
were always trying to act a little priggish and self-righteous, but ended up
being such a wildcat in bed. Turn over, Luv.” He softly smacked her hip as she
flipped. He pulled her hands up to tie them to the bars of the bed. “You tried
so hard to please me. The books you bought. Do you remember them?”
“Yes,” Buffy whispered. “I
remember. I remember checking off the positions until we had tried them all.”
“It took us almost two years
but we finally did,” Spike said, slipping from the bed again.
Buffy couldn’t see what he
was doing. Her heart was pounding hard in her chest. She didn’t understand what
he was doing and why. It scared her. She tugged on the belt but it held steady.
“Shush, don’t you trust me?”
Spike asked, crawling on the bed again, a knee on each side of her. He kissed
her cheek. “I would never hurt you. Not like this. How many times have we gone
to the edge and never once have I pushed you too far.”
Spike was right. Buffy took
a deep breath forcing her mind to clear from her own overwhelming emotions.
Logically she dissected the moments since her husband had left the living room.
It became clear that something had hurt him. He was trying to work it out
instead of fighting with her. His temper was under a tight rein beneath his
insecure hurt.
“I trust you,” Buffy said,
strongly. She did. If push came to shove she could break the bed apart then
him. But she knew he wouldn’t harm her. Not like this. Not now in their relationship.
Their days of beating the shit out of each other were over. Not since the
children had arrived had they gone that far. Only a few sporadic times did they
exchange punches or slaps that ultimately led nowhere.
She knew that whatever he
was going through now, he needed to use her body as the canvas for his pain.
And as he once did for her, she would let him.
“Thank you,” Spike said. He
pulled her panties down and dropped them on the floor. She felt his kisses
along the back of her legs. His tongue, licking at the back of her knees then
the point where her legs curved into her bottom. His hands kneaded at her
cheeks separating them and the wet flick of his tongue as he followed the
crevice downward, stopping to poke at her anus.
A groan slipped from her as
she spread her legs as comfortably as possible. He chuckled. His hand slid
beneath her to tease at her clit while his thumb teased at the opening to her
cunt. There wasn’t a part of her down there that wasn’t being stimulated. The
tip of his tongue dipped inside her and she pushed her ass back toward him. On
the precipice of an intense orgasm he left her. Buffy buried her face in the
pillow, disbelieving that he would be so cruel.
“The Buffy I fell in love
with would have thought that was too dirty to do,” Spike said in her ear. The
words startled her and shame flooded her. He was right. “Her legs would have
been clenched shut and yelling at me. Telling me what a disgusting pig I was
for even wanting to do it. I wonder who I have in bed with me.”
“Your wife,” Buffy spat.
“The one you taught to enjoy these things.”
Her shame had made her
defensive. She wasn’t that girl anymore. She hadn’t been for a very long time.
Spike had taught her well and now he seemed to dislike her for it.
Spike laughed. “Yes, yes, my
wife. I still find that amusing at times. A vampire married with kids. Oh, good
lord, I wonder how all the dead bodies I left behind would feel. I wonder how
she felt.”
“She was happy for you,”
Buffy said, a little more gently.
“No, no, no she wasn’t,”
Spike muttered, leaving the bed again. “She hated me. I left her to rot in a
prison. I wanted her to just go away and now she never leaves. She’s always
here with us.”
“Spike, please untie me.
Talk to me.”
“No, you little conniving
bitch,” Spike barked, settling on the bed again. “It was you and her and the
plans that you made. You couldn’t come to me. All I ever did was fucking love
you.”
Buffy felt a cold liquid on
her ass. Her stomach clenched as she realized what he was going to do.
All you have to do is say no. You know he won’t fight
you.
She didn’t say anything.
They were going to come through this…together. Spike settled between her legs.
His cock positioned at the entrance to her bottom.
“Relax, baby, relax,” Spike
cooed, as he carefully began to thrust into her.
This had never been one of
her favorite sexual acts. Spike enjoyed it and over the years she had come to
find pleasure in it too. He was always gentle with her until she felt
comfortable enough for the quicker thrusting. He was no different this time.
Despite his spiraling emotions he was still considerate of her.
Spike shifted onto his hands
so that the only contact between them was him driving into her ass.
“Do you remember what I told
you?”
“What?” Buffy replied,
shifting so that it was more comfortable for her.
“Like this in the dark you
could be anyone…female or male,” Spike said, throwing his head back. His eyes
were closed. “You could be her…you could be him.”
Silence filled the space
between them. She knew who he meant. Dylan. He was fantasizing about Dylan.
Tears finally made their way down her cheeks. Drusilla she could compete with.
Dylan she couldn’t. Her heart was breaking.
“I’m not thinking of anyone
but you Buffy,” Spike said, settling on her back. “You, baby, all I want is
you. Why does she torment? Why do you push me away? What do I have to do so it
is only us again?” He continued to mumble his love, constantly calling Buffy’s
name as he fucked her. His hand slipped beneath her bringing her to orgasm
before he released himself deep within her.
It was then that she felt
his tears on her back. He sobbed as he backed away. “I hate this. I hate her.
Why? Why didn’t she love me? Why didn’t she just go away and leave us alone?”
Buffy turned her head to see
him rummaging through the desk. Somehow, somewhere, he had put his jeans back
on. A gasp escaped her when he pulled out a pair of scissors. Spike was out of
his mind and she tried to roll out of his way.
Scream for Angel, Buffy told herself but found herself on her stomach again. Spike’s
knee planted in the middle of her back. She heard the blades snapping together
but there was no pain. No stabbing. She forced her eyes open just in time to
see strand after strand of her hair fall to the floor.
“Spike, please stop,” Buffy
cried. “You’re scaring me.”
“Oh, god, don’t be scared,”
Spike said, dropping the scissors along with the last bit of hair that he had
cut. “I wouldn’t hurt you, lamb. I just wanted to make her go away.” He untied
her from the bed. Buffy sat up reaching for him. His eyes were wide with
turmoil. “All I want is my Goldilocks back...,” He swallowed back a sob.
“Buffy, I…”
“Spike don’t…,” but Buffy
was calling to a shadow that was running onto the beach. She covered her face
with her hands and wept for both of them.
to be continued…
Author’s Note: In Chapter 30
– Human Frailties of Babies Are A Good Thing, shows a different past than what was given
to us as canon. In order to keep the continuity of this series, I have continued
with my version.
