Joyce (Karen)

Writers on suicide bereavement are unanimous in saying that it is essential for the survivors to talk about it. They say that the word "suicide" should be used, and encourage the survivors to talk about the death with each other. They feel that it is desirable for the conversations to take place in the home, that they begin as soon as possible, that they include children, and that each person share feelings and thoughts with as many other survivors as possible.

The growing number of self-help support groups for the survivors of suicide victims have much to teach the world about coping with pain. Members simply share their experiences and provide mutual support. A small group in Brooklyn that is facilitated by two women who lost a friend to suicide. Neither is a professional counselor; both are employed in the business world. Group members simply share experiences and provide support for each other. They sometimes talk on the phone between the once-a-month meetings and actively support an annual regional conference on survivor issues.

Attendance at just a single meeting of this type of group can help relieve the feeling of being alone with the tragedy, the feeling that there is no process to suicide bereavement. The support groups help circulate literature, much of which is written by the survivors themselves. One handout contained:

"I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was important and I need to hear his name.

"If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

"I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over is six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent", but forevermore a "recovering bereaved parent".

"I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I never will be that way again. If you keep waiting for me to 'get back to my old self', you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me -- and maybe you'll like me still."

Unfortunately, talking about it is not easy. For centuries suicide was one of those things that should not be talked about. Even today many suicides are kept secret from family members as well as outsiders. People are afraid to talk because they are afraid of how the other person might react -- and of how they might react. Simply by offering to listen we can do a great deal to help a survivor cope with the stigma and taboo, and to come to terms with his grief.

The "leave it to the professionals" myth is a strong isolating factor in survivor situations. A police officer told me about the suicide four years earlier of his cousin-in-law and fishing partner. The victim had been under treatment for a drug problem. His father had committed suicide twenty years earlier by a different method. I asked the officer if he had ever spoken with his cousin or her two adolescent children about the death. He quickly responded, "They went for counseling." This lack of communication is sad; children need positive adult figures in their lives.

Taken from *Out of the Nightmare -- Recovery from Depression and Suicidal Pain* by David L. Conroy, Ph.D.