(Tuesday) April 29, 2003 I was told I had a gyroscope that kept me the right way up. This has been true for many years. However the thumping of my heart tells me all is not right. Time to address the turmoil that I have been ignoring. So I unleash my hunting dog through time and space, to look and listen and find me all the things I need to see. To fight and to fuck and to piss up all the lampposts it wishes to. Not to follow the rules to and do as it will. One of the many things I have been ignoring is my shadow . Not sure this exists but as in many of the things Dog will find , it may be a useful way to see. Just tools and toys....we all need them unless we are enlightened already. I have known of C.G.Jung for a long time but in my youth was interested in art history. The Surrealists were more interested in Freud and I remember reading The Interperetation of Dreams. I don't remember much of it ,repressed obviously :), and I probably only read it to appear clever. Now after being steeped in Buddhism, Jung seems like a very good human. It seems I have been ignoring parts of myself that could be useful. "The trouble started only when the part of the human personality which was conscious behaved as if it were the whole of the man. There was nothing this unconscious world abhorred more than one-sidedness. When one extreme of spirit attempted a monopoly for itself another extreme sooner or later rose titanic in the unconscious to overthrow it." Jung calls that other side of ourselves, which is to be found in the personal unconscious, the shadow. The shadow is the inferior being in ourselves, the one who wants to do all the things that we do not allow ourselves to do, who is everything that we are not.In "Dreams, Memories and Reflections" , Jung's autobiography, Jung refers to a second part of him. Only later does he use the term/image shadow. This second part of him is an old learned person. This does not really seem like an inferior part of Jung however it becomes difficult for him to reconcile the 2 parts of himself as he gets to late teenage. So the second part of him gets pushed more and more to the back. Jung being extremely wise and open realises what is happening and for the rest of his life uses the voice of his shadow to be a complete view. So even though it has been pointed out to me many times I have never really got to grips with my shadow. It always tends to show up concerning my motorcycle. There is a big split concerning sensible versus reckless. This set me off thinking about the "wild man" or the story of Iron John. I had read the book a long time ago but as I hadn't really looked over the edge of the cliff yet I read the words not the meaning. Among the myriad ideas in the story is the idea that we carry shame with us from childhood. This has a laming effect and the image of the horse with 3 legs is used, so as in Jung's view we are not whole beings. I think simply realizing that your horse has a lame leg is a big step so actually taking account of your ideas and creative desires is the start. Had a very bland childhood in terms of myths and legends. Never really understood what the point to all these stories were. Felt chuffed with myself for reading George Orwell and Solshenitsyn. All pretty dry really....well the way I read them anyway .In fact passion was pretty much ruled out. Only now when I see the people close to me immersed in doing things just because they are interested them. Being creative in all senses of the word ,"autonomous" is the best description and, I feel horribly left out. Well I do now I have admitted that's how I feel. Being husband ,father, classroom assistant and trying to be good at all these things means I leave "me" out which in turn sours all the other roles I play. Odin. As I said lack of mythology early on meant I didn't know much about Odin. His name kept cropping up so I had a look around. Apart from the appealing image of a skinny tough guy in a black coat and hat seems He hung himself upside down for 9 nights on the tree that runs through the 9 worlds ,Ygdrassil, and got the runes. Also he plucked out his own eye to pay for a drink from some magic water. So he's a tough one but not to impress others just because it's worth the hardship. He doesn't piss and moan and panic about problems. So as a model of toughing it out he seems a good one .Also having 2 ravens is pretty cool. (Wednesday) April 30, 2003 Time to go back out into the world on my own. Find old friends I haven't seen in ages. Been too scared to care then I'll have connections . Been getting smaller and smaller without noticing. Spent all that time trying not to be a man, not to be my Dad ,not to be a wanker forgot that I should just be all of me. . (Sunday) May 4 2003 Deal with what is rather than what has been. Open more and more when everything is telling you to close down. The man who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive. Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it, thus making of it a "raft that leads to the far shore." The Way of Transformation by Karlfried Gras von Durkheim.Weird the difference between knowing things and realizing things. Just knowing your hang ups is not enough......they are those programs that run in the background all day long and have done for so long they are now invisible. They are also so BIG it's difficult to focus on them ,like trying to tell what an elephant is when your nose is 2 inches from it's foot. . The thing about walking the labyrinth is that no matter how many times you I do it I always get to the point where I think I have gone the wrong way because it can't possibly take this long. (Monday) May 5 2003 Reading more Jung. Man and his Symbols "only the painful (but essentially simple) decisionto take one's own fantasies and feelings seriously can at this stage prevent a complete stagnaton of the inner process of individuation."So the creative side I have ignored for too long needs addressing. As it says this is sort of painful ,just have to switch off the voices that say playing your guitar is a waste of time.Doing things that are useful and worthy is all well and good but there comes a time to follow unconcious desires. What to do with the here and now. Well I'm going to give it a go and see where I get to. (Saturday) May 10,2003 The effect of Jung rumbles on .I think his ideas that people need to make ritual is very spot on . I haven't always thought so but an immersion in Tibetan Buddhism can change a lot of things. Some act or deed needs to take place to recognize how things actually are ,to stop the slide into seeing and feeling things to be as you think they are. The dissonance between these 2 places is the cause of the pain and anguish. Still feel like I am waking from a half-sleep that has gone on for years. Never understood love befor.....thought it was a small glass bauble that you had to be really careful with. No wonder I have been scared of breaking it. Now it feels more like a fully grown elephant ,heavy and wise with a very tough skin.(I like elephants a lot btw ). Felt like the female me was submerged and quite negative but now I'm not sure. Now I think it's been doing it's best to show me but I have studiously ignored it. Maybe compelled to ignore it trying to fulfill the other roles thet I have. (Tuesday) May 21,2003 Came across "wu wei " found this quote by Ted Kardash: Lao Tzu writes that we must be quiet and watchful, learning to listen to both our own inner voices and to the voices of our environment in a non-interfering, receptive manner. In this way we also learn to rely on more than just our intellect and logical mind to gather and assess information. We develop and trust our intuition as our direct connection to the Tao. We heed the intelligence of our whole body, not only our brain. And we learn through our own experience. All of this allows us to respond readily to the needs of the environment, which of course includes ourselves. And just as the Tao functions in a manner to promote harmony and balance, our own actions, performed in the spirit of wu-wei, produce the same result. 
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