Mothers With Angels - Humor Page 6

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Listen to "Dreams"
Mothers With Angels

HUMOR PAGE 6

Blonde and Car

A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it,
because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette
she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her,
"There is a possibility to make the
car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde,
"if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette.
"Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car repair shop.
Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'.
Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore
trying to sell your car."

The following weekend,
the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that,
the brunette asked the blonde,
"Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde,
"Why should I?
It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Kindergarten Class

A kindergarten teacher was observing
her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around
to see each child's artwork.

As she got to one little girl
who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said,
"But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat,
or even looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "Well, duh!
They will, as soon as I'm done."

Count how many you can remember

1.Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3.Candy cigarettes
4.Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5.Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
7.Party lines
8.Newsreels before the movie
9.P.F. Flyers
10.Butch wax
11.Phone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12.Peashooters
13.Howdy Doody
14.45 RPM records
15.S&H Green Stamps
16.Hi-fi's
17.Metal ice trays with levers
18.Mimeograph paper
19.Blue flashbulbs
20.Beanie and Cecil
21.Roller Skate keys
22.Cork popguns
23.Drive-ins
24.Studebakers
25.Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young.
If you remembered 6-10 = You're getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt.
(unknown)

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU
GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

10."They told me at the blood bank
this might happen."

9."This is just a 15 minute power-nap
like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to."

8."Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out.
You probably got here just in time!"

7."I wasn't sleeping!
I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."

6."I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5."I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise
to relieve work-related stress.
Are you discriminatory toward
people who practice Yoga?"

4."Why did you interrupt me?
I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3."The coffee machine is broken. . . . ."

2."Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

And the # 1 best thing to say
if you get caught sleeping at your desk

1." . . . in Jesus' name. Amen."

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody
but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon
that Peter Peterson has been
a good boy all week.
I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister.
Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert, age 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money
in the plate, but my father didn't give me a
raise in my allowance. Could you have a
sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious.
She goes to play bingo at church every week
even if she has a cold.
Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday
because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people
would come to your church if you
moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon
where you said that good health is
more important than money but
I still want a raise in my allowance.
Sincerely, Eleanor Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots.
I am flying to California tomorrow.
Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day
but later than sooner.
Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our
Little League team. We need God's help
or a new pitcher.
Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn
the Ten Commandments. But I don't think
I want to because we have enough rules
already in my house.
Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth?
I think there may be one in my class.
Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday.
Especially when it was finished.
Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the
good people from the bad people?
Do you tell Him or
does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

Top Ten Signs
That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's

1. You try to enter your password
on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos
as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire
with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of 3.

5. You e-mail your son in his room
to tell him that dinner is ready,
and he e-mails you back,
"What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies
via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day
with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken to your
next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine
a card this year,
but you posted one for your
e-mail buddies via a Web page.

9. You check the ingredients on a can of
chicken noodle soup to see
if it contains Echinacea.

And the number one sign
you've had too much of the 90's:

10. You and your friends
introduce yourselves at parties
by your screen names.

You Know It Is Time To
Join e-mail Anonymous When...

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom
and stop to check your e-mail on the way back.

2. You name your children
Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem
and get this empty feeling,
as if you've just pulled the plug
on a friend.

4. You spend half of your airplane trip
with your laptop on your lap
and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college
for an additional year or two,
just for the free internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

7. You start using smileys
on your snail mail!*<(:-).

8. You find yourself typing "COM"
after every period
when using your word processor.com

9. You refer to going to the bathroom
as downloading.

10. You can't call your mother....
she doesn't have a modem.

11. You check your mail,
it says no messages
so you check again--and again.

12. You don't know what gender
three of your best friends are,
because they have neutral screen
names and you never bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house
and you Netscape before you landscape.

14. You tell people you live at
http://1000.garden/house/brick/html

15. You start tilting your head
to the side to smile. *<(:-)

16. After reading this message
you e-mail it to a friend.

What's in your mail?

One day God was looking down to earth
and saw all of the evil that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down
to earth to check it out.

So he called on a female angel
and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God,
yes it is bad on earth,
95% is bad
and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said
maybe I had better send down a male angel.
To get both points of view.
So God called a male angel
and sent him to earth for a time.
When the male angel returned he went to God
and told him yes the earth was in decline,
95% was bad
and 5% was good.

God said this was not good.
He would send a letter to the 5% that
were good and encourage them,
a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, you didn't get one either?!!!
You better straighten up then!

Computer Prayer

Every night I lie in bed
This little prayer inside my head...
God bless my mom and daddy
And bless my little boys and girls
And take care of my husband
They bring me so much joy.

And God there's just one more thing
I wish that you would do,
If you don't mind me asking,
To bless my 'puter too??

Now I know that it's not normal
To bless a small machine
But listen just a second
And I'll try to explain...

You see, the little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends.
Inside those small components
Rest a hundred loving friends.

Some, it's true, I've never seen
And most I've never met;
We've never shaken hands
Or ever truly hugged, and yet
I know for sure they love me
By the kindness they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Is how I get to where they live.

By faith is how I know them,
Much the same as I know you,
So if it's OK....
Please just take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless this little hunk of steel
That's filled with so much love.
(Author Unknown)

Last week I took my children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said,
"God is great and God is Good.
Let us thank Him for the food,
and I would even thank you more
if mom gets us ice cream for dessert.
And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
(unknown)

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