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Dated:7/28/98 An old car that has served you so well will continue to serve you until you have just put four new tires under it and then it will fall apart..
The Other Line moves faster.
DATED:8/1/98
The Minister of Transportation went to England recently for a seminar. While there, he noticed how smoothly the traffic flowed when cars were driving on the opposite side of the road. So when he returned home, he drew up the following policy... 'Starting next month, all cars will be required to drive on the opposite side of the road. This will policy will continue for one year and if the results are good, we'll then use it for trucks. There was this flight attendant that was so stupid the other ones noticed... If a file takes more than 30 minutes to download, someone in your house will pick up the phone within the last 15 seconds. Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations: Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream. "Hey, Grandma - I'm gonna' head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?" "Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget." replies Grandma. "I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too." "OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna' forget..." Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs. "See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma. "Whaddya' mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa. "You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who wants to know? After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly, a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. Somebody else must have shot that bear!" "Exactly," replied the doctor! She wanted a formal wedding so her father painted the gun white....
Life is like a sled dog team: if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and havn't seen them since. It rained twice last week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma, up she comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off playfully so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup one was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later. Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but already sealed the envelope.
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
This guy goes into the front door of a bar. He's really drunk. He steps up to the bar. The bartender asks him if he can help him. He say's "Yea, I'd like a beer." The bartender sees that he's really having a tough time trying to communicate due to his condition. So he tells the guy," Sorry fellow, you're too drunk already. I can't serve ya here." The guy gets a little upset & says,"Fine, I'll go somewhere else & get served." So the guy leaves. About 2 hrs. later, the guy comes in the side door of the same bar, makes his way to the bar. The bartender says,"May I help you sir?" The guy answers" Yea, uhh can I get ahh a beer please? The bartender again seeing the guy having a hard time tring to maintain control of himself tells the guy " I can't serve ya here. You've been drinking way to much tonight. Want me to call a cab to take you home?" The guy gets upset & says,"No. Thanks for nuthin. I'll find someone else to serve me" With this the guy leaves out the side door complaining the whole way out. About an hour later the guy goes in the back door of the same bar, stumbles up to the bar & The bartender asks him,"May I help you sir?" The guy stares at him for a few seconds, & says,"Mannnn, how many bars do you work at?"
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then-just tell my wife!" On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!" A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to get lost and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't." Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a "pinata"?
Tracy's Page Jokes of the Past Page 2 36 Signs You Might Be A Yankee Strange,But True Page Top 21 Things Not To Say To A Cop
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