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Always looking for some good one-liners. Mail me your best! Submit Joke. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, its the sudden stop at the end. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. Be good to your children, they are the ones who will be picking out your nursing home. When you're holding all the cards, why does everyone else turn out to be playing chess? With my luck, when my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport. If you are going to live on the edge, make sure you are wearing your seat belt. The mind is like a parachute, it works much better when it's open. Remember to take the time to stop and smell the roses, just don't let a bee fly up your nose. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. I can only please one person a day, and today ain't your day... (tomorrow ain't looking good either) . Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I can handle pain until it hurts. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Have a nice day... somewhere else. Gravity always gets me down. I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have. I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. Honk if you like peace and quiet. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they do. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. OK, so what's the speed of dark Black holes are where God divided by zero. I believe in the Big Bang Theory....... GOD spoke and bang, there it was! Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Thoughts On Growing OldThere are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun a is lot more work. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down. You Know You Are Getting Old When....You can live without sex but not without your glasses. You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room. You enjoy watching the news. The phone rings and you hope its not for you. The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion. People ask what color your hair USED to be. You're proud of your lawnmower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws. You start singing along with the elevator music. You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday. Your car has four doors. You routinely check the oil in your car. You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style -- TWICE. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. 8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in". You don't remember when you got that mole. Or the one next to it! You write thank you notes without being told. Neighbors borrow your tools. You answer a question with "Because I said so!" Others ask for your recipes. You start Christmas shopping in August. You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back. You don't like to drive after dark. You say the words "Turn that music down!" You wear black socks with sandals. You point out what buildings used to be where. You know all the warning signs of a heart attack. You rake the yard without being told to. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television. The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying. How To Keep a Healthy Level of Sanity While Driving Others ...INSANE !Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. Ex: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.' Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that". Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think". Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way. Dont use any punctuation As often as possible, skip rather than walk. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'. Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because your're not in the mood. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 15 Actual Announcements Taken from Church BulletinsDON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU - LET CHURCH HELP. THURSDAY NIGHT POTLUCK SUPPER, PRAYER AND MEDICATION TO FOLLOW. REMEMBER IN PRAYER THE MANY WHO ARE SICK OF OUR CHURCH AND COMMUNITY. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CHILDREN AND DON'T KNOW IT, WE HAVE A NURSERY DOWNSTAIRS. THE ROSEBUD ON THE ALTAR THIS MORNING IS TO ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF DAVID ALAN BELZER, THE SIN OF REV. AND MRS. JULIUS BELZER. THIS AFTERNOON THERE WILL BE A MEETING IN THE SOUTH AND NORTH ENDS OF THE CHURCH, CHILDREN WILL BE BAPTIZED AT BOTH ENDS. TUESDAY AT 4:00PM THERE WILL BE AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL. ALL LADIES GIVING MILK PLEASE COME EARLY. WEDNESDAY, THE LADIES LITURGY SOCIETY WILL MEET. MRS. JONES WILL SING "PUT ME IN MY LITTLE BED" ACCOMPANIED BY THE PASTOR. THURSDAY A 5:00 PM THERE WILL BE A MEETING OF THE LITTLE MOTHERS CLUB. ALL WISHING TO BECOME LITTLE MOTHERS, PLEASE SEE THE MINISTER IN HIS STUDY. THIS BEING EASTER SUNDAY, WE WILL ASK MRS. LEWIS TO COME FORWARD AND LAY AN EGG ON THE ALTAR. THE SERVICE WILL CLOSE WITH "LITTLE DROPS OF WATER". ONE OF THE LADIES START QUIETLY, AND THE REST OF THE CONGREGATION WILL JOIN IN. NEXT SUNDAY, A SPECIAL COLLECTION WILL BE TAKEN TO DEFRAY THE COST OF THE NEW CARPET. ALL THOSE WISHING TO DO SOMETHING ON THE NEW CARPET WILL COME FORWARD AND GET A PIECE OF PAPER. THE LADIES OF THE CHURCH HAVE CAST OFF CLOTHING OF EVERY KIND AND THEY MAY BE SEEN IN THE CHURCH BASEMENT FRIDAY. A BEAN SUPPER WILL BE HELD ON TUESDAY EVENING IN THE CHURCH HALL. MUSIC WILL FOLLOW. AT THE EVENING SERVICE TONIGHT, THE SERMON TOPIC WILL BE "WHAT IS HELL". COME EARLY AND LISTEN TO OUR CHOIR PRACTICE. Top Ten Characteristics of Dogs and CatsDogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes. Advice From KidsNever trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.-Michael, 14 Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.- Michael, 14 Stay away from prunes.- Randy, 9 Never pee on an electric fence.- Robert, 13 Don't squat with your spurs on.- Suzie, 13 Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.- Emily, 10 When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.- Marko,6 Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.- Traci, 14 Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.- Sammy, 9 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.- Freddie, 9 Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.- Lauren, 9 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.- Joel, 10 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.- Allisha, 13 Never try to baptize a cat.- Eileen, 8 Did Ya' Ever Just Wonder...Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? Why is abbreviated such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? The light went out, but where to? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backwards, would, the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Isn't the best way to “save face” to keep the lower part shut? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom. ============================================ Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?". Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." ====================================== A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." ==================================== A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they, could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
Old Songs Rewritten for Baby Boomers TOP Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip? Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now! Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone Abba --- Denture Queen Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want Too! And my favorite: Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
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