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"Living with avoidant personality disorder is very frustrating. I remember one particular time when I was a child. I was at the supermarket
with my mother, a classmate of mine waved to me from across the isle. I didnt wave back, I was afraid that she didnt really like me, that she had some ulterior motive for waving to me, and I didnt want to be
embarrassed by waving to her when she didnt really like me. My mother yelled at me for it, thinking that i was just being rude or something. My childhood was filled with situations much like that one.
Recently, it is getting slightly better. Now, if I'm invited to a party, i will actually go, but once there, I still wont say anything. I
remain very quite, I'm always afraid that if I do say anything it will sound stupid, and everyone will laugh and I will feel humiliated. I know
it must sound completely irrational to those without the disorder, but it makes perfect sense to me. Rejection and humiliation are on my brain 24/7, even right now as i write this. It doesnt go away, even when I start to feel comfortable with people, its still in the back of my mind at all times. The minute I make a mistake, or am rejected by someone, I go right back to my quite, cautious, nervous self.
To be completely honest, I dont know that there was ever a time when I was rejected by someone. I suppose it could be because I generally reject them before they can reject me, but there have still been plenty
opportunities for others to do the same to me. With never having been rejected, I still fear it immensely. I take so many precautions to avoid
rejection, such as always making sure I look nice, isolating myself, and staying quite in social situations. I spend so much time concentrating on rejection, that I havent much time for anything else."
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This Site Updated 04/09/11
