Body Dysmorphic Disorder	Conversion Disorder
Hypochondriasis	Pain Disorder
Somatization Disorder	Somatoform Home

Personal Stories:

"My name is Wendy and I've lived with BDD since my teen years. You could say that all my life I've been semi-obsessed with being "perfect" in many ways, I think, as women, we are also under more pressure to look a certain way, much moreso than men (although I do know men have this disorder, and I've known at least two men in real-life who have this disorder). I could say my problem with BDD is very complex and far-ranging.

I think all of my life I wanted to be someone else. I didn't want to look like "me," because according to society, I wasn't good enough. I was always trying to look like someone else, almost like someone who has no identity. Then I'd find someone else to "copy" and try to look like. Of course, I was good enough as I was, but I always wanted to be "perfect." I also had instances of problems with weight issues. At 5'10'', I once weighed about 100 pounds. I was anorexic. While not obsessing about weight, I obsessed about other things. I constantly dyed my hair different colours, experimented with different make-up to alter my looks, and did other sort of bizarre things to achieve a way to "alter" my looks. My mother, who is of 1/4 Native American ancestry, didn't help in the process, and I actually think she caused part of my BDD. She would always try to get me to dye my hair lighter, to look more "white" for instance. Also, there is a lot of pressure, especially in Southern California, to look like a blonde, tan "California" girl. Knowing I could never match up to that has always made me bitter in some ways, and angry at men for thinking women should look a certain way.

I often did not think I looked "pretty" enough. Once I was told I resemble my German father moreso, so I thought maybe I wasn't "feminine" enough. At other times I would be told that I looked more like my mother, so I'd try to alter my looks to not look like her (she is about 1/4 Native American). Even though I am pale, I'd put on extra pale makeup to look even more white. I suppose I had a problem with being identified as a certain "race" as well, and would try to hide that. Part of this problem was caused by shame, by thinking my mother wouldn't like me if I looked more "dark." This is why I think BDD is much more complex than people think it is. It involves more than someone thinking they "look bad."

My sister, who was always jealous that I was the "pretty" one as a child, also didn't help. She would constantly make rude comments that she knew were hurtful, which intensified the problem. I just overreact to comments that people make in general. Also, if someone tells me that I look like a certain actor, then I'll feel like I have more of an "identity." I feel this disorder may also be related to a lack of identity, or confusion about identify as well.

There were also other times when I was obsessed with other things. Usually parts of the female body which are objectified, like legs, thighs, etc. I once thought I had "horrible" cellulite, for instance, but I didn't.

One year in college, after a really hard semester (I was a music student), I broke down and had to see a psychiatrist for my problem. The medication only made me aggressive though, so I stopped taking it. (I gradually did grow out of my BDD slightly, but I realise it will always be with me.)

I actually think that this disorder is partially caused by society, to be honest. You look around and see all of these images flashed on the tv screen, you're told that men want women who look a "certain" way versus another way, and so forth. Imagine all of the different ways women are bombarded with such imagery? It's despicable.

What's amazing to me is, I know that I am very attractive, and yet, whenever I glance at myself in public or something, I kind of see everything "wrong" with me. It's very frightening. Most of all, I fear that people are judging me for the imagined flaws that I see "staring back" at me.

I think this disorder has definetely prevented me from meeting men, and the worst part is, sometimes men make comments about your weight, etc., that they don't realise are very hurtful. I tend to avoid men in general. But then again, I tend to avoid all people as well. I go out only after dusk or when I can wear dark glasses, I wear all black to remain inconspicuous, and I try to just remain "anonymous."

Strangely enough, I do have a boyfriend right now, and we are in a long-distance relationship, and he has the same problem. He also avoids people and thinks they're always looking at him. Strangely enough, he is also of Native American ancestry, and is very ashamed of that. He wishes he could be "white."

This disorder, when at its most intense, is horrific, and I do mean that. I wanted to commit suicide when I was at my worst, and honestly, I think I was on the verge of being psychotic.

Even though I am much better today, I still have the disorder. As one of my male psychology classmates said, who had the disorder, "it never goes away completely." "
-- Wendy