Hee Hee Hee

sara lay in a heap outside the front door, grinning devilishly as jass and her beloved, befuddled leo spun off in her yellow bug, and as phoebe shrieked "tax-IE!" at the deserted street that suddenly produced an array of sparkling yellow taxis. as phoebe and stu were whisked away into the sunset, sara slowly stood up. no broken bones, a few cuts and bruises, a few gushing arteries. nothing to worry about.

she quickly entered the house, picking up the burlap sack that was handily draped over a nice, comfy, meg-filled circle chair. she traipsed gleefully into the snake's kitchen. gazing at the black mamba snake that was desperately attempting to wiggle out of a pretzel knot (stu and leo had *such* juvenile humor at times) she stopped in the doorway. putting on a cowboy accent she drawled, "this-here kitchen ain't big 'nuff for the two of us. and seeing's how i have this-here burlap sack and meat tenderizer,"1 she waved her meat-tenderizer holding right hand at the pathetic snake, "i'd say that your days of...whatever it is that black mamba snakes do are numbered." and with that she scooped the black mamba snake into the burlap sack and beat the hell (er, heck) out of it. (but not before apologizing, of course.) (death total:1)

when she was satisfied that it was, in fact, dead, she picked up her trusty gun and shot it square in the middle of its forehead. (or, what she thought might've been its forehead.)

sauntering into jass's room, she picked up the forgotten key and let karen's hog-tied and duct-taped body out of the alae. (literally, the wings of the atrium.2) deciding that she rather liked karen's voiceless state, she kept the duct tape intact and drug karen 'round back. after shoving karen into the trunk of her nice, orange convertible (which was extremely well hidden under a pile of leaves) she returned to the house to rouse meg from her odd, comatose-esque state. finding this next to impossible, she drug meg out, karen-style, and shoved her into the backseat. after making sure that meg knew who she was ("blink once for yes, twice for no. three? that's pretty much a yes.") she floored it, heading off into the direction she hoped jass had gone.

after making pit stops in cleveland, tallahasse, boston, topeka, san diego, houston, and a rather long and aiieeee-filled one in seattle3, sara located jass & phoebe. hiding in the potted plant in the hotel's hall was difficult, especially with the two annoying people who threatened to draw attention to herself. after messily getting rid of them (death total: 3) she was ready to strike. quietly 'creeping' into jass's room (trans: ballerina-twirling and leaping) she set down her heavy backpack and began unpacking it, mumbling to herself as she sorted the contents out "swords...stun-gun....pepperspray.. aquanet... gun... bullets... baby cow..butcher knife..cattleprod.." she gazed at this in wonder. she didn't remember packing it. this must be why her pack had been so heavy. she continued to empty her it when she became aware of a black-mamba-snake-figure twisting about inside. "fuck." she said, annoyed. "i thought i killed you." using the meat tenderizer that was still firmly clutched in her right hand (tis useless for anything else) she beat it once more to a bloody pulp. (death total: 4) she stood up, choosing the aquanet as an...interesting weapon. she walked over to leo, (who happened to be completely oblivious, distracted by the sight of himself in the bathroom mirror) but her cracking knees4 and umm....ankles woke jass up. she lay awake for a moment, hearing "crack..crack... crunch...crack...moo..crack" sitting upright she was astonished to see...

nothing. it was dark. and she had her face-mask on. so she removed the mask and flipped on the light, seeing sara spraying aquanet into leo's face. unfortunately, sara shot the mirror instead of leo, and the real-leo didn't flinch. realizing her situation, sara had to direct the foul-smelling and ozone-polluting spray toward jass who was approaching quickly.

unfortunately, it ran out just then. sara sighed. "crap." said the black mamba snake from nearby. "WHY WON'T YOU JUST DIE?!?" sara screamed and jumped up and down on the snake, causing black-mamba-snake guts to go sliding all over. (death total: 5)

jasmine used this as a chance to rouse leo from his self-admiration and high-tail it o'er to phoebe's suite (which was handily attached to theirs, wouldn't ya kno it?)

unfortunately for jass, (and leo and phoebe and most of all, stu) sara had barricaded the sole exit to the hall with chairs, wardrobes, nails, boards, chalk and a nice lil bellhop by the name of tim.5 (twas having a bad day.) so... they were trapped in the suite (the bedroom, actually, seeing how that's the doorway sara was standing in [equipped with her all-purpose backpack and a gun] and the room where everybody was.)

frightened, the four looked at the figure dressed all in black (except for her socks, which were a lovely orange color) and was black-mamba-snake-guts-stained. sara grinned, her ultimate goal at her fingertips. she grinned and grinned and grinned, and then began to laff uncontrollably. "AIIEEE!" she shrieked estatically, clasping her hands and rushing out of the room (still shrieking "aiiieee!" sprinkled with a "gwwaaaaaaaarrrrrk!" here and there.) entering the living room, she set her backpack on the table and pulled out....

something rectangular. the four cautiously crept towards the table, not wanting to trigger (no pun intended)(or maybe it was...?) a free-for-all shoot-out at their expense.

when they were within two feet of her, sara spun around, grinning triumphantly. moving to the side, she revealed a scrabble board set up for five players. "karen's not here for once. she's stuck in my trunk. we can use NAMES!"6

relieved, the others obliged, feeling quite silly for thinking that their dear dear friend sara would have hurt them.

but wait! that's not the end at all! for after the game, sara went down to her car to get her suitcases (which she had stupidly forgotten and had to call her mom & have her bring them.7) and, opening the trunk, found karen! "aiee!" sara screamed, startled, then began to laugh at the sight of karen, looking quite bug-eyed. to karen, sara announced proudly "we played scrabble with NAMES!" and ripped the duct-tape off of karen's mouth.

"fuuuuuuckk!" karen screamed. "what did you stick me in there for?!" sara grinned and cryptically said "i was saving you from being a black mamba snake." confused, karen continued to scream and swear. when she finally quieted down, karen begrudgingly agreed that she'd be nice if she could come back up to the suites.

she checked on meg, first, who was in a state of shock. she would blink three times in a row, not blink for a minute, blink for three times in a row and then say "but...they CAN'T kill mike...he and jo were just going to get back together!" she was fine. and so everything would be fine, yes? sunset beach would *somehow* replace the lost character and meg would get over it and come out a better person.

and karen would forgive them. in phoebe's suite, sara fell asleep as the sun began to rise. thirty minutes after that, she awoke to the sounds of strangled screaming. she jumped up quickly and ran towards phoebe's room, where karen was strangling phoebe. "you...you...black mamba snake maker!"8 karen screamed. "you stuck me in the condo's closet and in sara's trunk and you must die!" stu stood wide-eyed, saying "no way man, it wasn't phoebe. jasmine stuck you in the closet." karen bit her lip, absorbing this. phoebe glared up at her as she went limp (death total: 6) and karen released the rope. "shit." she swore, pointing the gun at stu, fired. he fell to the floor with a loud "aaaaauuuuuuuggggghhhh!" (death total: 7) and a thump. racing out of the room and into jass's suite, karen screamed "uuuughhhh!" but didn't have quite the same effect as sara's "aiiie!" (sara stopped her in between "ugh"s and gave her some pointers. the end result was much more terrifying.)

bursting into jass's room, she fired everything she saw (a bathrobe - w/o leo in it - the tv and several lamps, and the pile of black mamba snake goo which had begun to rise, but was stopped by a flaming arrow shot by sara [death total: 8]) "damnit!" karen swore, realizing she had no more bullets. she paused, putting her hands on her hips, as an idea sprung into mind. she started to run once again, attacking leo with the gun until he was bleeding profusely from several spots and confused his lines with another actor's, screaming "a scratch, a scratch!...who am i kidding? i'm dyin..." he never got to finish that, for karen found a box of discarded bullets and shot him. (death total:9) turning around, she faced jass. "you..." she said, squinting, "you locked me in that closet...you stuck me in sara's trunk! fuck you! you must die!!" she screamed, shooting jass several times in the heart, and then pushing her dying body out of their window. (which was most unfortunate considering that their suite was on the nineteenth floor.) (death total: 10) sara peered out the window, most dismayed to find that jass's body had landed on her car, in the backseat, and on meg. meaning meg was also dead. (death total:11)

suddenly, karen remembered that sara was in the other room, possibly getting away! she ran back into phoebe's suite and saw sara heading towards the door. "nuh-uh!" karen cried. "you must die, too! *you* stuck me into the closet and into your trunk!" karen's finger squeezed the trigger, but nothing happened. welcome for the delay sara taunted karen "which one of us was it? was it phoebe? but stu said that it was jass. but now you're saying it's me. who was it?" karen snarled and swore once again "fuck you. i don't care...i think it was phoebe, but jass had to die, too. i have to kill you, too. and so you will die! bwa hah hah!" and with that she brandish a knife, slicing sara's throat...

suddenly sara awoke with a start, finding herself in the driver's seat of her car, parked outside a tall hotel. breathing hard, she looked into the back seat, seeing meg blink-blink-blinking. cautiously she got out and tip-toed to the trunk. opening it, she saw...discarded duct-tape and a FLUFFY BLACK BUNNY9 sara screamed, and fainted.