I hate myself…

I hate my life…

I hate Marina Akagi!!!

These were the thoughts reverberating over and over like a sickening mantra in Kaede Rukawa’s mind as he subtly tried to blend in with the fake bushes in that certain corner of the department store… But with his extraordinary height, accomplishing that task was virtually impossible…

He once believed that there was no such thing as impossible in his vocabulary and that he loved playing hide-and-seek when he was little…

But darn it...

This was absolutely ridiculous!!!

Kaede tried crouching down lower, suppressing the strong urge to hide his face in a paper bag, as another group of giggling Shohoku high girls strolled unconsciously towards his hiding place.

‘Please, please… just go away with your goddamn business…’ he prayed fervently as the voices drew nearer.

“Did you hear about that pool party on Saturday?”

Kaede’s ear twitched as words of the short pimply girl registered in his mind. So what’s new? Practically every soul was talking about it…

“Yeah. And there were rumors that Rukawa-kun is going!!!”

“What?! That’s great! Then I won’t definitely miss it for the world! I’ll tell everyone of the great news!”

Kaede rolled his eyes. Oh brother…Great. Just great.

More people to hound him on that dreaded event when he’ll be losing his respectable reputation….

“And I’ve already got the absolutely perfect bikini for it!” a girl from the group squealed excitedly.

Kaede raised an eyebrow as the interesting piece of information reminded him of his ultimate purpose of going through this horrendous ordeal. He leaned closer, struggling to make out the words of the utterly shallow lame-brains. He never knew these lowbrows would come in handy someday… specially during this certain time of crisis.

‘And I never would’ve guessed in a million years that you, of all people, would be eavesdropping on some pathetic girl talk!’ his angry male pride disapprovingly spat out in disgust.

‘Just pay close attention, you jerk! We both know that you don’t know a thing about female vanity!’ a small voice inside his head snapped. ‘Either do this now or you’ll get some heavy pounding from the witch later!’

Reminded of the brown-haired girl and her brutally iron fists, Kaede cringed.

He’d certainly prefer this over that!

He held his chin thoughtfully. Well, he had to admit that, for a girl, her punch was a sure killer, though it could never actually hurt him physically… It was always the expression she was wearing when delivering it that always shot him right through the core… thus multiplying the force of the blow tenfold…

It was one of the mind-boggling mysteries that bothered him… And he hoped he’d find out the answer to that soon enough… before his jaw becomes permanently dislocated.

But for now…

Painfully setting aside his stiff male pride and vowing to make her pay later, he narrowed his eyes as the high-pitched conversation resumed in the background.

Sooo… what about that bikini?

As if answering his mental ramblings, the girls all shrieked in unison when the short pimply one showed them a piece of clothing. Kaede stretched his neck as far as it could go without him getting conspicuous, in an attempt to take a glimpse of the lowbrow’s most coveted possession. Where’s that goddamn thing?! Lemme see it!

“I found this in that boutique called Angel’s Secret,” the girl said proudly.

“What?! Angel’s Secret?!” the girl’s minions shrieked in awe. “That’s got to be the most expensive shop around town!”

“Yup! That one.”

‘Angel’s Secret huh?’ he thought apprehensively, blocking out all other shrieks and squeals which followed after that. So that’s where he’ll be off to…

To his great relief, the girls went on with their business, giggling like hyenas as they rounded the corner in search for poor unsuspecting boy victims.

Kaede gingerly stepped out of the little space where he had hastily crammed himself into—in his strong desire to avoid a head-to-head confrontation with those members of his unofficial fan club who had just passed by. He’d just die in mortification if anyone from Shohoku high saw him here…

Here in this dreaded place where no respectable sportsman like him will be caught dead looking through…

Here in this dreaded place where all men who dared to venture were branded gays…

Here in this dreaded place called…

He put on the nastiest scowl he could muster as numerous female heads all turned in his direction the moment he stepped out of his little niche. He started walking towards the location of the shop the pimply girl had unsuspectingly pointed to.

And to his utter annoyance, all the inquisitive female eyes followed his every move. They giggled and whispered to themselves about what this miserable world was coming to… as another price catch went down the drain.

‘Price catch?!’ he mentally fumed. Were these lame-brains talking about him? He was no fish!

His eyes narrowed dangerously. And what did they mean by down the drain?!

Dammit! He is not gay—!

“Hello sir! Welcome to the women’s lingerie shop!” a voice behind him chirped. “Can I help you with anything?”

A deep primal growl escaped his throat as he turned around to face the impertinent one who had interrupted his intellectual ramblings. More so, he would not forgive anyone who was attempting to mock him…

‘Well… for an elderly woman her voice sure sounded young…’ Kaede thought as he came face-to-face with a middle-aged saleslady. Well, she looked civilized and mature enough so… Abandoning all thoughts of torture and punishment, he decided to state his business—a matter of utter confidentiality and importance…

He started opening his mouth, which felt surprisingly dry. “I want a…”

“Yes?” the saleslady smiled up at him expectantly. “What is it that you would like?” she asked him patiently, though inside she was shaking her head in exasperation. Closet queen nowadays… so undecided…

Too bad though… he’d looked so handsome… what a waste…

Kaede cleared his throat. “I want a…”

“Yes?”

“Uhhhm… a…”

“A..?”

“A bikini,” the young man stated hastily, not daring to look into her eyes. “A two-piece swim wear,” he elaborated.

“Of course…” The saleslady smiled knowingly. “You have come to the right place,” she said in that well-rehearsed professional tone. Turning her back to the young man who was busy shuffling his feet, she bustled over the racks and racks of the latest fashionable feminine swim wear.

Looking back at the young man, she asked nonchalantly, “Will that be your size?”

“My what?!” the young man snapped, his eyes flashing in outrage and his cheeks coloring slightly.

The saleslady smiled politely. Though inside, she was rolling her eyes in amusement. In her ten years in this business, she knew a closet-queen-in-the-hiding when she saw one. And Mr. Handsome here was no exception. Still in the denial stage I can tell…

“Unfortunately, we have run out of extra extra large—.”

“It is not for me,” he managed to say through gritted teeth, reminding his fists that bashing the elderly was a mortal sin.

The saleslady sighed. “Alright. So what will it be then?”

Kaede gnashed his teeth together.

How dare this woman?! How could she mistake him for a… a…  cross-dresser?!

And how dare that brown-eyed witch for getting him into this absolutely embarrassing and degrading predicament?!

He balled his hands into tight fists…. Making him do her shopping for her—!

‘Ehem,’ the small voice inside his head said, interrupting his thoughts. ‘I believe you were the one who volunteered in your sudden insane notion to make that deal quite fair—!’

‘Shut up!’ Kaede mentally growled. ‘Don’t you dare remind me—!’

“Young man, what size will it be?” the exasperated saleslady repeated.

Kaede bit his lower lip as he tried to remember the witch’s specific instructions about her preferred colors, styles, and sizes…  they all seemed a confusing jumble in his head now.

What the heck?! He couldn’t care less if she wore a paper bag at that party!

“Extra small,” he spat out tersely, though the correct word he should’ve said was ‘medium’. How was he supposed to be knowledgeable on all those goddamn feminine sizes?… He knew for one thing that the men’s small was way big enough for her…

The saleslady looked at him incredulously, scrutinizing his humungous built. “But that won’t definitely fit you—!”

“I said it is not for me…” Kaede growled. “It is for my—.”

“Oh yes,” the saleslady finally said with an enlightened smile. “For your girlfriend.” ‘Awww, how sweet…’ she thought. The world still had a chance after all…

“Yes, for my… girlfriend,” Kaede retorted, having trouble pronouncing the words as they sent shivers down his spine… Well, as of now, he would do and say anything just to shut this woman up and get away from this accursed place. But first… he had some shopping to do…

“And give me the skimpiest one you’ve got,” he instructed the saleslady as an evil plan formed in his vengeful mind.

He was determined to make Akagi pay for this… and not financially of course…

“Yes sir,” the middle-aged lady saluted him politely. “I know exactly what you’re looking for,” she told him, grabbing the latest on the display rack. “Will that be cash or credit?”

“Credit,” Kaede said, pulling his wallet from his slack’s back pocket.

“That would be $200.”

“What?!” he spat out, nearly dropping his collection of numerous credit cards. “Are you sure about that? Lemme see that first!”

The saleslady beamed proudly as she handed him their best apparel… which was in a shocking shade of orange and littered with tiny kiss marks.

 ‘All that money?! For this?!’ Kaede thought as he closely examined the piece of clothing which could only be described as… hmmm, how should he say this?… minute was a euphemism for the word he was looking for…

There were no other words to describe the scrap of clothing. It was daring beyond words. A wardrobe fit only for those bunnies and playmates he’d seen in one of the hentai magazines he’d kept hidden under the—hey!

‘What on earth are you thinking of?!’ he scolded himself mentally. It will be the Akagi—Akagi! For cryin’ out loud!—the wicked witch, the brute cow—who will be wearing this! She had the built of a 10-ton bulldozer! You can’t possibly be lusting after her now!

Darn it.

Definitely not.

Kaede Rukawa had better taste… And lusting after men bulkier than him wasn’t his style…

A deep frown wrinkled his forehead as he confirmed what was written on the price tag. $200. Clear as day… Well, as much as he’d hated to admit it. A deal was a deal. And he wasn’t the type who breaks promises.

‘Holy shit,’ he cursed mentally as he handed the piece of clothing back to the lady. And along with it, his credit card with the greatest credit limit. His father would surely have a fit this time. That is… if he found out…

Kaede cringed as he watched the saleslady walk away with a week’s worth of allowance, his mouth slightly ajar at the large amount of money which had just slipped from his fingers. All because of her…

Finally recovering his wits, his eyes flashed indignantly.

Seeing the witch wearing that thing at that party better be worth it!

Or else!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In the other side of the department store, several frightened male heads turned towards the direction of the low devious laughter.

The source of the strange, creepy sound—a brown-eyed high school girl—tried pursing her lips tighter to stifle the next onslaught as her eyes completely fixed upon the beautiful masterpiece she held in her hands.

Though the thing looked horribly small for an 187-cm tall high school guy, it was a magnificent work of art… its fabric was soft to the touch… and not to mention highly elastic… and would surely cling tightly in all the right places…

Oh she loved it, alright…

This will surely give those lowbrows a run for their money… and not to mention—a heavy nosebleed…

She turned towards the salesman behind her. “I’ll take it!” she announced with that big smile on her face.

“Are you sure, miss?” the salesman asked politely. “It’s $150.”

Marina Akagi’s smile faltered slightly… And this is what she hated about it…

Unfortunately, clothing the blockhead in this tiny little thing was an absolute must for her plan to succeed… so she didn’t actually have a choice, did she?

“Yes, I’m sure,” she said with an exasperated sigh, handing him her credit card… And probably, that expensive piece of clothing will be the last thing she will be able to buy with it… When the transaction was finished, the salesman handed her the small parcel and bowed down deeply.

Marina released another defeated sigh as she walked away from the men’s clothing section and into the lobby where she will be meeting someone.

It had been over two months since she’d run away from home and her funds were already running low. She’d have to find some way to make up for that in the coming days or else she’d have to ask for her grandmother or her cousins’ help... but…

She shook her head indignantly.

But no! She would never do that! It would only mean that she was not mature enough to take care of herself… and that her decision had been wrong.

Marina’s eyes flashed with determination. And standing up for what she believed in was never wrong!

‘But what do you believe in?’ that small voice inside her head suddenly asked.

‘That I am not meant to be a rich pompous jerk’s wife!’ she mentally answered it with conviction.

‘Women in your family have always been,’ it reminded her. ‘And you can never escape your fate… Nor will you be an exception to the rule.’

‘Oh I sure will be,’ she thought, mentally smirking.

And in time I will find the right guy for me… And he will take me away from all of you, from all this madness—

The voice gave an exasperated sigh. ‘Don’t be such a wuss. I doubt that you will ever find such a man,’ it said, taunting her. ‘All you do is masquerade and fight off guys around you—.’

Marina smiled knowingly. Ah… because they are all jerks who only see women for their face value and not for their wittiness and brilliance!

‘Don’t be silly,’ the voice scolded her lightly. ‘The kind of man you are looking for is practically extinct! What chance have you got in finding one?!’ it spat out.

What the-?! Marina’s eyes flashed dangerously at the small voice’s constant badgering. Shut up! You are just a voice—!

‘So you better go home and settle off with that latest guy your parents had found for you,’ it advised her. ‘… before that other guy you almost killed retaliates and decides to fight for his right over you!’

Marina laughed evilly inside her head. ‘Then I’d have to poison him again! And, perhaps, when that chance comes, I’ll be making sure there won’t be a next time…’ she thought, her eyes gleaming with a wicked promise.

‘What will I do with you, you evil, evil girl?’ the small voice cried out in exasperation.

‘Try shutting up for starters, will ya?’ she thought as she unceremoniously plopped down on one of the benches to wait. And as she sat there, she couldn’t help but notice all the lovely couples around her. There were only a few days left before Valentine’s Day. And obviously… loooove was in the air.

‘Puh-leeeez…’ Marina thought, rolling her eyes as a couple in the next bench snuggled and ate off on the same ice cream cone. For her, love was too sacred and was meant to be shared in private. Not exposed like this in some public place for all these stupid people to feast on… like some wild live show or something…

And speaking of wild live shows…

Marina grimaced in disgust as the couple across from her French kissed like there was no tomorrow. Holy shit! This was worse than a bad horror movie!

Ten minutes had passed, still there was no sign of him… She scowled at her wristwatch then cocked her head impatiently from side to side. Why was she enduring all of this? Where was the blockhead anyway?

“Right here, dimwit.”

Marina’s eyes narrowed at the familiar voice behind her. “Who’re you callin’ a dimwit, you nitwit—Oh!”

But before she could even attack or utter a vile curse, an ice cream cone was thrust into her face. Cookies and cream! Her favorite! But…

‘Ice cream?’ Marina thought nervously, glancing back at the disgustingly sweet couple beside her. ‘Surely the blockhead wasn’t thinking of…’

“Bribing me, aren’t you?” she accused, eyeing him suspiciously, but she eagerly took the treat with two cherries on top anyway. “I’m assuming you actually bought me a nice outfit for tonight…?” she asked him expectantly, popping the first cherry into her mouth.

The mischievous gleam in Kaede’s eye was his answer to that as he sat himself beside her to enjoy his own ice cream, a Triple Chocolate. 'Despite the… setbacks I’ve encountered… yes. I believe the thing I bought you is quite—”

“Wait,” she said reaching out for his cone. “Can I have that?” she asked, pointing to the lone cherry on his scoop.

Kaede glared at her. “You glutton. I already had yours topped with two!”

“But I already finished them!” Marina whined, staring miserably at her now cherry-less ice cream. “And you’re not eating yours!”

“Ever heard of ‘saving the best for last’?” he asked her grimly, bringing his cone way out of her reach.

Marina pouted then crossed her arms in front of her in a huff. “Selfish.”

“Spoiled brat,” he countered.

Then there was a tense silence.

Kaede’s lip thinned. He couldn’t believe they were bickering again, and this time, over some pathetic ice cream topping… Why were their squabbles getting shallower by the moment?

“Fine,” he said in defeat. “Suit yourself… Next time, all I’m buying you are cherries,” he grumbled disapprovingly as he watched the fruit disappear instantly into her mouth. “So as I was saying—”

“Oh yeah,” she interrupted him, grabbing the small package beside her. “Here’s yours.”

Kaede caught the package in his hand. “You really didn’t have to,” he said, a frown marring his youthful face. He knew she was in a financial fix at the moment…

Marina stopped licking her ice cream momentarily to send him a mischievous look. “Oh, but I insist. And we had a deal remember? I buy yours if you buy mine.” She shrugged her shoulders, an angelic smile on her face, before she proceeded on eating.

‘Somehow there is a catch to all of this…’ Kaede thought, a nagging feeling rising from the pit of his stomach as he eyed the package in his hand. The whole set-up was too nice—

“Go ahead. Open it.”

Open it?… Oh yeah…

He gingerly slipped his hand inside the paper bag. And soon enough it came in contact with something soft… and stretchable…  and… He tried fingering it further but… nothing. His hand was practically bigger than the whole thing.

‘That’s it? That was it???’ he thought in confusion. He thought they’d agreed to buy clothing… not hankies…

He pulled the whole thing out abruptly… And it took him all his energy not to drop down dead on the spot…

‘What the hell?!’ Kaede thought, his brain cells refusing to function momentarily as the bright orange tiger stripes glared up at him. Heck! This was even worse than his polka dot ensemble!!! And all his underwear were way decent than this!!!

From the corner of her eyes, Marina watched the raven-head as she innocently pretended to busy herself with her ice cream. I wonder if he’ll be pleased with the nice color combination—?

“What is the meaning of this?” he asked tersely, waving the puny high-cut bikini style trunks in her face… His own face… surprisingly deathly calm… Definitely not a good sign.

“It’s a swim wear, you dufus,” Marina said, blinking innocently. “You know… when you go to the pool—”

“I know what it is,” Kaede said through gritted teeth. “The question is… what am I supposed to do with this,” he retorted… Though he had an awful feeling he already knew the answer to that…

“Well,” Marina said, beaming. “You’re supposed to wear that thing tonight, of course!” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “All your fan girls will surely have a massive seizure when they see you in that!”

‘Of course…’ Kaede thought miserably, cringing in disgust at the little piece of clothing. He should’ve known… and he thought she genuinely wanted to be with him… Tough luck.

Good thing he’d anticipated this and came prepared…

“Here,” he said, throwing her the package he had with him as he wallowed in misery. “I’ll wear this if you’ll wear that.”

“Oh, Rukawa-kun,” Marina gushed. “You shouldn’t have! Really! I have lots of these at home—”

But she was cut short when the little triangular scraps of cloth came into her full view.

‘What are these?!’ her mind screamed in outrage. She couldn’t possibly wear… table napkins at the pool party—! Wait!

Table napkins were way bigger than this!

“Wait. There must be some mistake here,” she said in confusion, looking at the tag. “It says here ‘extra small’. It’s not my size. This thing’s too small for me…”

"It is?” the raven-head asked nonchalantly. “I guess you’ll have to make do… because the shops here employ a No-Return-No-Exchange policy.”

Kaede was oblivious to the world as he continued to stare miserably at the magnificent tiger-striped swim wear he was doomed to wear for tonight… totally unaware of the crackling massive concentration of energy swirling around the girl beside him.

“Let me get this straight,” Marina growled, taking in deep breaths to subdue the impending explosion of pure physical strength. “You’re expecting me, Marina Akagi, one of the most respectable and outstanding students of Shohoku High, to wear this… bit of shameless clothing for tonight?”

Kaede nodded dumbly.

Marina’s jaw dropped to the ground, her face turning vermilion.

That’s it…

The ice cream cone was crushed unceremoniously in her hand as she released all the pent-up energy enough to cause a nuclear meltdown—one of the catastrophic events she was capable of staging at this particularly unstable state of mind…

The feel of the cool ice cream seeping onto his thigh sent Kaede reeling a few feet back. “Hey, watch it! My slacks—!”

“I don’t give a damn about you slacks!”

Marina gave the thing in her hands one final disgusted look before she turned to the dumb soul who had the guts of actually suggesting that she wear it. Darn it! She was no whore!

The nerve of this guy!!!

“Kaede Rukawa, you pervert!!!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Later that evening, Kaede tugged viciously at the thing tightly hugging his torso… in a pathetically futile attempt to loosen it.

Darn. Why did this thing have to cling so much?

“And so as I was saying, you’re supposed to—”

Kaede sighed in exasperation as Marina’s blabbering brought him out of his depressed stupor. “Yes, yes, yes. You’ve already told me all about the plan for the hundredth time tonight,” he spat out.

Marina frowned in disapproval at her cohort. This was one of the biggest and most brilliant plans she’ll be staging in all her 17 years… And the blockhead here better not ruin it!

“Listen up, Rukawa-kun,” she said in a threatening voice, leering up at him. “If you don’t get this thing right, I’m going to hound you to the ends of the earth and make a living hell out of your pathetic life!”

Kaede merely raised an eyebrow at what she said. What caught his attention was her constant fidgeting and tugging at the strings of the covering the had for her upper body… Was it really that… or her lack of it?

He had only one thing to say about this whole thing though… If he knew it would turn out like this in the first place… he would’ve gladly paid a million dollars for this piece of cloth she had managed to squeeze into…

That’s how…. err…. stunning she looked tonight… And it was taking up all his self-control not to grab her and—

“Hey, are you listening to me?” Marina interrupted, frowning at the weird look the blockhead was giving her.

Kaede smirked then pretended to roll his eyes. “Yes, Your Highness. And I’m all set too.”

“Good,” she said authoritatively before peering at the growing number of people gathering around the pool. “Plan Revenge-Against-The-Lowbrows is about to commence,” she snickered mischievously.

Kaede sighed at the deviousness of his partner-in-crime. They stood there in a place faraway from the crowd as they ran through the final steps of her plan. He didn’t know why he’d agreed to it in the first place—

The scene where she’d whispered seductively into his ear flashed in his mind…

‘Oh, yes…he remembered now…’ he thought grimly. How could he forget—?

“Ready?” she turned to him expectantly.

‘What?!’ he thought, starting to panic. Now? Already?

“Wait!” he interjected, buying himself some more time. “Let me get this straight first…” he said, taking a deep breath before proceeding. “We’re supposed to… kiss? Right in front of the whole school?” he asked incredulously.

“Yes!” Marina snapped absent-mindedly, never taking her eyes away from the growing crowd.

"We’re supposed to kiss?!” Kaede repeated dumbly, quite aghast. That was an understatement actually… ‘I dunno why you’re objecting to this,’ a small voice inside his head chuckled.

Shut up!

Looking back and seeing that the blockhead’s shocked expression, the meaning of his recent words dawned upon Marina. “Kiss?! What?! Absolutely not!” she exploded. “I’d rather jump off a cliff than lock lips with the likes of you!”

“Hey!” Kaede protested. Making him do outrageous stuff was one thing… but insulting him was another! Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to this—!

Marina read the thoughts that had passed through his eyes and decided to calm down a bit. She needed the blockhead here terribly and she couldn’t afford loosing his support now. She sighed in exasperation.

“Obviously, you weren’t listening to my words of wisdom,” she said, trying to gather up all her patience. “K.I.S.S. is an acronym, you dimwit. And it stands for Keep It Simple…” she explained tiredly, rolling her eyes. “…Stupid.”

“Oh.”

“See, the key to the success of this plan is of our convincing acting prowess,” she explained further. “Most schemers I’ve seen fail in this because they are either too tense, too stiff, or they tend to over exaggerate… And knowing the likes of you who don’t have an ounce of drama in their system—”

"Uh-huh,” Kaede said, crossing his arms in front of him, challenging her to continue with her words.

“Ehehehe… of course, I am just joking, you dramatic person you…” she gushed, scratching her head. “So you get my drift?”

“Yeah, I think so,” he answered hesitantly.

“So you ready to K.I.S.S.?”

“As if I have the option not to,” he retorted, miserably rolling his eyes.

“Yes! Now we’re getting down to business!” she beamed, snaking her arm through his. “Time for some serious action.”

Kaede cringed as she proceeded on dragging him towards the crowd… towards his doom.

Oh dear god, please help me…

What with his miniature high-cut tiger-striped trunks and with her matching skimpy orange string bikini littered with kiss marks all over…  They were really gonna cause an uproar… And the big question was… To what extent?

And armed with the acting that would put Leonardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet to shame… there was no doubt they were bound to win an award tonight…

The most prestigious…

The most exalted…

The most awaited…

The most coveted one of them all…

…The Most Indecent Couple Award.

Kaede groaned. Why me?

To be continued…