Jorge Julio vs Jeff Jarrett

People often ask me, "Hey John, why doesn't Jorge Julio go by the nickname 'Double J'? That sounds cool and awesome!" and I respond to them, "Idiot! That is a totally lame nickname! Besides, Julio is 'God' not 'Double J'!" And then I tell them this tale...

Many moons (6 months) ago, Tony Batista was in the Orioles locker room and went up to his pal Jorge Julio and said, "Double J... Truly, you are God!" Now, Batista is latino, so he pronounces "J" as "hey". Julio thought to himself, "Double Hey? That sounds pretty wicked. It shall be a new nickname for me!" And so it was done. Julio began printing shirts with the words "Double J - the J is pronounce 'hey'" on them. They sold like hotcakes, which led Julio to open a hotcakes stand. But that's a different tale altogether.

What Julio did not know is that some crappy, unimportant wrestler named Jeff Jarrett had copywrited the nickname "Double J" several years earlier, perhaps because he had seen a vision that Julio would walk among us one day and hoped to profit off his name. But upon hearing about Julio's shirts, Jarrett wanted a piece of the pie. He sued Jorge Julio.

The judge ordered a temporary injunction against Julio, ordering him to cease using the nickname until the case could be heard. Because it was the middle of the season, Julio was constantly traveling with the Orioles and couldn't appear in court. Therefore the case was postponed and Julio was unable to sell his awesome t-shirts with their diefic catchphrase on them.

Once the regular season ended in late September, Julio was free to attend court proceedings. There was convincing evidence from Julio's side that he alone should have rights to the name, but the judge, perhaps under the spell of the evil Trot Nixon, ruled that Julio didn't have total rights to the name! He and Jeff Jarrett had to share the rights and split all profits down the middle! This was not acceptable to Julio, so he did the one thing he knew no wrestler could resist... He challenged him to a wrestling match. Winner gets 100% rights to the nickname "Double J".

The match took place last night, in front of a sold out crowd at Maddison Square Gardens. Here is the recap of the match. Jorge 'God' Julio comes out first and says that he won’t forgive Jarrett for what he did to those goats. He knows that out on frontier country, a man has to watch his property, but that doesn’t excuse Jeff for turning his goats into a circus tap dancing act! Julio promises to eat Jeff’s left arm and prove once and for all, who the best Shakespearean actor is.

Above: Julio batters Jarrett in an all-out brawl

Jeff Jarrett comes out now, and boy is he pissed off. He charges right into the ring, then pulls out his gun and shoots it at Julio. Only there are no bullets in it, cause Julio changed them to wine before the match began. Julio begins beating on Jeff and screaming about how it was obvious that the name "Double J" is better suited to Jorge Julio. Julio then hits a sidewalk bomb on Jeff.

He goes for the cover, however, a moose breaks up the count by licking the ref (who’s made of salt) to death. Now refless, the match degenerates into a no-holds barred brawl. Jeff uses the opportunity to nail Julio with a bottle of Tide detergent. Julio is then put into a washing machine and cleaned. When he comes out, he finds that his colors have faded, so they’re both back in the 50s when the Andy Griffith Show was cool.

Jeff receives a huge mass of crowd support as he locks Julio in a Sharpshooter. Julio manages to reverse it with the Triple Ultra Belly to Back Moonsault Plex. Julio goes for the cover, but there is no ref.

Suddenly, the Joker from Batman runs down, dressed in a ref’s uniform. He tries to give birth to Julio’s unborn child, but since the Joker is a man, that’s impossible. Julio suddenly receives a call on his “Jorge-phone” and takes a break to go save the planet of Talock 7 from utter destruction. When he comes back, he finds Jeff Jarrett and the Joker have begun playing strip poker. Jorge Julio joins in and is quickly in his underpants, because he sucks at poker (he is a solitaire man).

Above: Johnson's betrayal of Julio is like when Judas betrayed Jesus.

Now nearly naked, Julio is on the ropes. Jarrett is pulling out every trick in the book to get one up on Julio. Suddenly, out from the back runs Orioles starting pitcher Jason Johnson! The other Double J of the Orioles has arrived to save Julio! He slides into the ring and Jarrett quickly flees. However, right after helping Julio up, Jason Johnson takes him down with a massive spear! JASON JOHNSON BETRAYED JULIO!

Johnson grabs a microphone and says that he is angry because the Orioles non-tendered him, meaning he is a free agent. Johnson reveals that he has lost his faith in 'God' after the incident. With the tides against him, Julio has only one choice... he summons the all destructive power of Siva, Hindu god of destruction. Siva, however, is busy at an all-day Monster Truck rally. So, without any divine aid, Jeff Jarrett applies his patented finisher, the Bitchslap. Jarrett gets the one... two... three and wins the rights to the nickname "Double J."

Thus is the reason why Jorge Julio doesn't go by "Double J" or sell sweet shirts anymore. It's all Jeff Jarrett's fault.

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