Vikings are Still Smarter
Three guys, A Bear fan, a Packer Fan, and a Viking fan are out walking together one day. Theycome across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Bears fan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Illinois." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Illinois was forever made fertile for farming. The Packer fan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Wisconsin, so that no infidels, Bear Fans or Viking Fans can't come into our preciousstate." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Wisconsin. The Viking fan asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state; nothing can get in or out." The Vikes fan says, "Fill it up with water." Contributed by Eric Hoffman
Top 20 Quotes from Mark Chmura
1. "I was showing her what a tight end is!"
2. "I was mentoring her."
3. "I thought the hot tub was water therapy for my neck."
4. "This isn't a Frat Party?"
5. " I was helping her with her Junior Achievement Award."
6. " But Frank & Brett do this all the time."
7. " I was doing my part for the United Way."
8. " I was showing her why I have a Superman tattoo on my arm."
9. " I was doing my part for Big Brother's/ Little Sister's oh I mean Big Sister's"
10. "But.. But *. My wife had a headache.
11. " I was helping her with hersex education class project!"
12. " I thought this was the site for the on the job training for the babysitter clinic."
13. " Please send your donations to the Mark Chmura Legal Defense Fund C/O the same Bank Reggie White used for his church fund!
14. " OJ got away with it!"
15. " I was working out my stinger"
16. " It's Ray Rhodes fault"
17. "It's Mike Holmgrens fault"
18. " I was doing public relations work for the Lambeau Plan"
19. " My other girlfriend wasout of town"
20. " I wanted to give Ron Wolf & Coach Sherman a challenge for the draft this weekend."
Even Assholes Hate Packers
A biker walks into a Green Bay bar and shouts, "All Packer fans are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back!"
The biker says, "Why? Are you a Packer fan?"
He says, "No, I'm an asshole."
Creation of the Earth
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." TheArchangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass and said "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Minnesota, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite shore-line along the Great Lakes. The people from Minnesota are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats andcarriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human football team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in Wisconsin." Contributed by Bennie S.
No time
A Viking fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke aboutPacker fans?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Packer fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Packer fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5", 280 pounds and he's a Packer fan, too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Viking fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
Of Mice and Packers
A man won the lottery and won about$140 million. He had three sons. He told his sons that he had won the lottery, that he now had a lot of money, and he would like to know what each one of them would like to have. Money was no object... The first one said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out and, since money was no object, bought him seven Jaguars in different colors so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week. The second sone said that he had always wanted a motorcycle, so the father went out and,since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles, 15 dirt bikes and 15 touring bikes, so he would have different bikes to drive every day of the month. The third and youngest son, being only eight years old, said that he had always wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the Green Bay Packers!!
John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Bronco's bench. He asked Coach Shanahanwhat it was for and was told it was a hot line to GOD. John asked the coach if he could use it and the coach said: "Sure, but it will cost you $100." Madden scratched his head and then said: "What the heck, I need some help picking the games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Madden was perfect that week.
The next weekend Madden was in Green Bay when he noticed the same kind of phone near the packer bench. He asked Coach Rhodes what the phone was for and Rhodes said: "It's a hot line toGOD and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100." Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Once again Madden was perfect.
The next weekend Madden was in Minnesota, at the dome, when he noticed the same phone near the Vikings bench. He asked Coach Green if it was a hot line to GOD. Denny said, "Yes it is, do you? want to use it?? It will cost you 35 cents." Madden looked at Coach Green and said, "Wait a minute!? I just paid $100.00 in Denver and $100.00 in GreenBay to use the same phone! Why in Minnesota do they only charge 35 cents?" Green looked at Madden and replied very matter-of-factly, "In Minneapolis, it's a local call."
Pyschotic Packers
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression,she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weepinguncontrollably the next?" Greg, sitting in the back of the room,raised his hand and answered- "Sounds like a packer fan??!!"
Script for a new Minnesota Vikings MasterCard commercial
Tickets to the big game: $150.00
Case of beer before the game: $12.99
Randy Moss Jersey: $180.00
Two beers and two hot dogs: $23.00 Two more beers and two more hot-dogs: $23.00
Two more beers since you spilled yours in celebration of Randy Moss's first touchdown: $15.00
Dry-cleaning bill after spilling beer on your Randy Moss Jersey after Randy Moss scored his SECOND touchdown of the night: $30.00
Four more Beers: $30.00
Doctors office call after getting punched in the nose by some loser sports fan dressed in a green shirt with a big piece of cheese on his head: $75.00
Watching the Vikings on Sunday, in Lambeau, severely kick the crap out of the Packers: PRICELESS!!!
Typically confused Packer
A Vikings fan, a Bears fan, and aPacker's fan were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
The Vikes fan won the first prize - a whole years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. The Bear's fan was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And the Packer's fan won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
Whenthey met in the pub a week later, the Bartender asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said the Vikes fan. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said The Bears fan.
"And how's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," the Packers fan said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Headlines
Two boys were playing football in a Minneapolis area park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a plank of the nearby fence,wedges it down the dog's collar & twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Vikings Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Vikings fan," the boy replied. "Buccaneers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Buccaneers fan either," the boy said. "Then what are you?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Packers fan." The reporter starts a new sheet inhis notebook and writes, "Redneck Bastard Kills Family Pet."
Antiques
Once upon a time there was a man who was on vacation in a town by the sea. One day he entered a little antiques shop and was looking around. On a table near the door was the most beautiful little brass rat. Now usually rats are not considered a thing of beauty, but this was so delicately wraught that it took ones breath just to behold it. The man picked up the little rat and went to the shop's owner and askedthe price. The man told him the price and also said that it was a non-returnable item. The man bought the little rat and started the walk back to his hotel.
As the man walked along he heard a little sound behind him. He turned around and there was a rat following him. He walked a little faster and the noise got louder. He looked back and there were 10 rats following. He began to jog and still the sound became louder. There were 20 rats, then 30, then 40.... The man began to run toward the sea. Hundredsof rats followed him. Finally at the water's edge he took the brass rat and threw it out into the sea as far as he could. All the rats followed their brass brother and drowned.
The next day the man went back to the Antique Shop. When he entered the shop owner began to shake his head and say "Sorry, no refund. No refund!" But the man just smiled and said, "Oh, I didn't come for a refund. I came to see if you have any brass Packer statues."
Hunting in Wisconsin
Two Packerfans were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other Packer fan looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Crappy Team's Summer Jobs
Ray Rhodes was talking to his wife about redecorating their home. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. Ray wrote this down and went to thewindow, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told Ray she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" Ray's wife was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. Ray wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" Ray's wife then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," camethe reply. "But I have some of the players laying sod across the street.
'Twas the Night before Xmas
'Twas 5 nights before Christmas and all through the dome, Every creature was shouting and sucking down foam. When right off the bat Favre coughed up the ball, But the Vikings could not take advantage at all. Then out on the field they punted and punted, And the strength of both offenses seemed to be stunted. Then what to my wondering eyes did appear, A 40+ yard field go, Gary'sfirst one all year.
Then the fireworks started and passes did fly, Moss scored long and short but fumbled one try, The Packers scored big on a great field goal fake, But the purple came back, the lead to take.
With the Vikes up by 4, the Packers looked pissed, And were cursing themselves for opportunities missed. When out on the field Farvre drove down for the win, And made Viking Fans utter "Here we go again"
The clock had gone crazy and the refs turned a blind eye, On the sidelines theVikings had started to cry. And as Packer receivers kept making receptions, Robert Griffith saved all with his best interception.
The metrodome rocked and the fans in good cheer, Were obnoxious and tormented the Packer fans here, As the Green and Gold watched playoff hopes slip out of sight, Fans yelled "Purple Christmas to all, and to the Pack- Good Night!"
Three Fans
A Jewish Giants Fan, a Hindu 49ers Fan and a Packer Fan were driving in the country one night when their carbroke down. They walked to a nearby farm house and asked if they could spend the night. The farmer told them yes, but he only had two extra beds but he had a clean barn full of fresh straw and one of them would have to spend the night there.
The Jewish Giant fan said he had spent several years on a kibutz in Israel and sleeping in a barn wouldn't bother him. Out to the barn goes the Jewish man and everybody else went to bed. Fifteen minutes later there was a knock at the door and there stood theJewish man. He said he couldn't sleep in the barn because there was a pig in the barn and his religion forbid it.
The Hindu 49er fan said no problem, he had grown up in Bombay and he wouldn't have a problem sleeping in a clean barn with a pig. Out to the barn goes the Hindu and everybody else went to bed. Fifteen minutes later there was a knock at the door and there stood the Hindu 49er fan. He said he couldn't sleep in the barn because there was a cow in the barn and his religion forbid it.
ThePacker Fan said no problem, he had grown up in Green Bay and there was no way a pig or a cow was going to keep him from a good nights sleep. Out to the barn goes the Packer Fan and everybody else went to bed. Fifteen minutes later there was a knock at the door and there stood the pig and the cow.
Swerving Packer Fans
A State Trooper pulls over a car, covered in Packers logos, on a lonely back road and approaches the driver, who is wearing green and gold from head to toe.
"Sir,is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The Packer fan replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Sir ... that's your air freshener."
Bless Thy Vikings
AViking fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Green Bay Packer fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their obnoxious green and yellow colors. He would swerve his purple and gold van as if to hit them and, at the last instant, he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the van driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to say Mass at St.Joseph's Church, about five miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Packer fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved as if to hit him but, just in time, he swerved back.
Thinking he'd narrowly missing the fellow, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and hedidn't see anything. Remembering his passenger, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that Green Bay Packer fan."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the bastard with the door!"
Giggling Idiot
A packer fan is driving back from a game (the Packers lost of course) when he cuts off a guy in a pickup truck. The guy in the pickup signals him off the road and both pull off the road into a parking lot . The guy in the pickup gets out and takes apiece of chalk. He draws a big circle in the lot and tells the Packer fan to stand in it and not move. The pickup driver pulls out a knife and slashes the Packer fan's tires. The packer fan starts to laugh. Then the truck driver pulls out a crowbar and smashes the windshield. The Packer fan laughes even harder. Then the pickup truck driver smashes all the windows and keys the car. The Packer fan is laughing hysterically now. The pickup driver goes over and asks whats so funny and the Packer Fan says "When youweren't looking I stepped out of the circle 3 times!!"
Dog Lover or Just Dim?
A Packer fan, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep startedlooking better and better to the Packer fan. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Packer fan took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Packer fan had ever seen. She was in a pretty badway when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Packer fan started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for awalk?
YOU MIGHT BE A PACKERS FAN IF....
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
Youthink Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was recently ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
You lit a match in the bathroom and your houseexploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get an Old Milwaukee out of the refrigerator.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think "no kidding" means birth control.
Blockhead
A young ventriloquist was playing a packer bar in wisconsin when he cracked a few hillbilly jokes, prompting a huge burly man to stand up in the audience and shout "Ah'm a getting mighty tired of these kinds of jokes! Not all of us in wisconsin are stupid y 'know." "I'm sorry, sir," the flustered Ventriloquist replied. "It's all in jest." "Hey," The burly man snarled, "I ain't a talkin' to you. I'm talkin' to that smart ass on yer knee!"
3 nuns
3 Nuns went to aViking/Packers game. Their seats were in front of 3 dimwitted (aren't they all?) Packers fans. The first guy said, "I'm moving to Georgia, there are only 100 Viking fans there". The second guy said, "I'm moving to Denver, there are only 50 Viking fans there". The third guy said, "I'm moving to Wisconsin, there are only 3 Viking fans there". One of the nuns turned around and said. "Why don't you all go to hell! There are no Viking fans there!"
Civil War
Did you hear about thecivil war between Minnesota and Wisconsin? The Wisconsinites charged the border with grenades in hand, heaving them as far across into Minnesota as they could. A Minnesotan then walked along the border, picking the grenades up, pulling the pins out, and tossing them back across into Wisconsin.
School's in...
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Green Bay packer fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are green bay too. Not really knowing what aPacker fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl named Tracy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Packer fan" she retorts. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a proud Viking fan" boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Tracy why she is a Viking fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Vikingfans, so I'm a Viking fan too" she responds. The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" Tracy smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Packers fan."
Traveling with da Pack
Three Viking fans and three Packer fans are traveling by train to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. At the station, the three Packer fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Viking fans buy only a single ticket betweenthem. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Packer fan. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Viking fan.
They all board the train. The Packer fans take their respective seats but all three Viking fans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.The conductor takes it and moves on. The Packer fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After visiting the Hall of Fame, the Packer fans decide to copy the Viking fans (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (not wanting to be out-done by the mighty purple fans). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Viking fans don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexedPacker fan. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Viking fan.
When they board the train the three Packer fans cram into a restroom and the three Viking fans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Viking fans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Packer fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
No Team der, eh?
In an airport, a person from Wisconsin wearing a Packer hat and a person fromNorth Dakota are sitting next to each other, waiting to get on a plane. The Packer fan asks 'Where are you from?' The man answers 'North Dakota'. The Packer fan replies 'Oh, you don't have a professional football team in North Dakota, do you?' The man from North Dakota replies 'Neither does Wisconsin.'
Get Outta There!
A lion in the Minnesota zoo was lying in the sun licking it's ass when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," saidthe zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious animal in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Green Bay Packer fan into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its ass?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth" said the zookeeper.
Ice Fishing
The Packers and the Vikings decide to have an ice fishing contest. On the first day, the Vikings catch 8 fish and the Packers catchnone. On the second day, the Vikings catch 6 fish and the Packers catch none. On the third day, Ray Rhodes decides to send over Brett Favre as a spy to see how the Vikings are doing so well. Favre comes running back to the other Packers after spying on the Vikings. They all gather around him excitedly. "Well, what did you find out?" Rhodes asks. "Well, coach," Favre replies. "They're cheating! They dug holes in the ice!"
Yes, Father…
A Viking fan used to amuse himself by scaringevery Green Bay Packer fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their obnoxious green and yellow colors. He would swerve his van as if to hit them and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the van driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed so he turned around and pulled over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to say Mass at St. Joseph's Church, about five miles down the road!", replied the priest. "Noproblem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Packer fan walking down theroad and instinctively he swerved as if to hit him, but just in time he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the idiot. Even though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and he didn't see anything. Then heremembered the priest and he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that Green Bay Packer fan." "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the bastard with the door!"
Accident
There's a Packer Fan driving from Green Bay to Minneapolis, and a guy from Minneapolis driving from Minneapolis to Green Bay. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Packer manages toclimb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at the twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Viking scrambles out of his car, and looks at his wreckage. He says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Packer walks over to the Viking and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God, that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The Viking thinks for a minute and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! Weshould be friends. Now, I am gonna see what else survived this wreck." So the Viking pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Packer, "I think this is another sign from God, that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Packer says, " You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Packer hands it back to the Viking and says, "Your Turn!" The Viking twiststhe cap back on the bottle and says' "Nahhh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up!!!"
Yeah, Yeah
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female body. Out of respect and propriety, the Broncos fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Niners fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Packers fantook off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Bronco's cap and replaced it. Next, he lifted up the Niners cap, and replaced it. The officer then lifted up the Packers cap, and replaced it, then lifted it again, then lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time. The Packers fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking andlifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Packers hat, I find an asshole."
Fishin' Buddies
Two packer fans go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like thisuntil finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Silly Packer Fans
How can you tell you've met a fairweather packer fan? They invite you into their home to show you their proud collection of VHS packer gametapes, but the 70's and 80 volumes are missing.
Crash & Burn
National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a program they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the lastwords of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh,Shit!" Only the state of Wisconsin was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey, hold my beer and watch this!"
New MasterCard Commercial
Tickets to the big game: $150.00 Case of beer before the game: $12.99 Vikings Jersey: $80.00 Two beers and two hot dogs: $23.00 Two more beers and two more hotdogs: $23.00 Two more beers since you spilled yours in celebration of Randy Moss's First touchdown: $15.00 Dry-cleaning billafter spilling beer on your shirt after Randy Moss scored his SECOND touchdown of the night: $30.00 Four more Beers: $30.00 Doctors office call after getting punched in the nose by some poor sports dressed in green shirts and cheese on their heads: $75.00 Watching the Vikings on Monday Night, In Lambeau, with a 25 game home win streak, being a 7 point underdog, with their back-up quarterback, and a rookie receiver, severely kick the crap out of the Packers: Priceless!!!
THE HERO...
Two boys were playing football in Powderhorn Park in Minneapolis when one is attacked by a deranged Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter, who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Minnesota Vikings Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal Attack", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Vikings fan", the little hero replied. "Sorry,since we are in Minneapolis, I just assumed you were." Said the reporter and starts again. "Tampa Bay Bucs Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack", he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Bucs fan either", the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Minneapolis was either for the Vikings or Tony Dungy's Bucs. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Packers fan." the child proudly stated. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved FamilyPet."
Local Call
John Madden was in Green Bay covering a football game one Sunday. He was walking along the Packers' sideline when he noticed Mike Holmgren standing next to an unusual phone. Madden asked Holmgren about the phone to which Holmgren replied, "That's a hot line to God, and for 50 bucks you can use it." Madden dug out $50 from his pocket and used the phone.
The following week Madden was covering a game at the Metrodome. As he walked along the Vikings' sideline,he saw a similar phone next to Dennis Green. Madden asked if the phone was a hot line to God, and Green replied, "Yes, and a call will cost you 50 cents." Madden then asked Green why this phone cost so much less to use than the phone in Green Bay. "It's a local call," Green said.
Tracks
Two Packer fans were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other Packer fan looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.""No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
GREEN SIDE UP!
Mike Holmgren was talking to his wife about redecorating their home. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. Mike wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told Mike she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, andyelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" Mike's wife was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. Mike wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" Mike's wife then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have some of the players laying sod across the street.
MORE FUNNY JOKES
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