Well, this semester the 12 sets of unknown flies in my lab have been named after each of the 12 teams in the ECAC hockey conference. Surprisingly, each set of flies adopted the characteristics of their assigned school as soon as they were named. Here's what they look like (and yes, I know I have too much time on my hands!):

HARVARD: Mating seems to be a problem in this bottle, what with all of the flies too busy saving the world from the dumber flies and all. They seem to spend most of their time basking in their own glory and not much else, though they thamk their lucky stars they live in the bottle they live in and not that hellish Yale bottle. All the other bottles revolve around this one in their eyes.

BROWN: Amazingly, these flies appear to have nose rings, which is a neat trick since flies have no noses. There seems to be a perpetual protest in this bottle, with half of the flies protesting their forced condition and the other half protesting the rights of the protestors. Naturally, this leaves little time for mating. Much lamentation that they might be the weak sister of the Ivy League bottles.

VERMONT: No trouble finding mating in this bottle, or long hair or pot (another neat trick, since flies have no hair and have nothing which which to hold a joint in their mouths). Though pleased with their high mating rate, they chafe under this TYRANNICAL Resident Coordinator whose name escapes me right now. They spend a lot of time wondering what the hell a Catamount is, but they thank their lucky stars that their bottle's mascot is at least better than Union's.

UNION: The smallest of the bottles, this tends to be the plain, unannoying bottle of the group. These flies tend to go about their own witness, paying homage to their alumnus Chester A. Arthur (it's true) and complaining that while all the other flies get to go home in May, they have to stay because this bottle is on trimesters. Also complain about their small hockey rink with one bathroom. They spend a lot of time wondering how their bottle's mascot came to be the Skating Dutchmen, but they take comfort in the fact that at least their mascot isn't as dumb as Colgate's.

COLGATE: Again, mating doesn't seem to be a problem in this bottle, though they've somehow smuggled beer in there (perhaps from the Dartmouth bottle....more on that later). This bottle also tends to stand in the middle of nowhere, but it doesn't seem to bother them. This bottle strongly resents the existence of the Cornell bottle and wishes it would go to hell, but has heard that they have some pretty good food over there. They spend a lot of time wondering what the hell is up with their torch mascot, but they take comfort in knowing what it is and thank the heavens they don't have Yale's mascot.

YALE: The flies just seem to go around shooting each other in this bottle....go figure. Maybe it's because this bottle's in the ghetto. A great deal of time is spent reminding visiting flies that their bottle is GREATLY superior to the Harvard bottle. They also look like Smurfs....hmmm. They're perfectly confortable with being called Eli, thank you very much, since they appear to understand it, unlike the identity of a Catamount or Hoya.

CORNELL: Mating is a problem in this bottle since the flies keep flying to the top and jumping over the edge. The food is very good in this bottle, though nobody notices since they're too busy throwing it at the Harvard bottle. They get VERY self-conscious when other Ivy League flies come to visit. This bottle is also EXTREMELY crowded, but the jumping off the top thing might help that.

CLARKSON: Mating is a big problem in this bottle since the male flies so greatly outnumber the female flies. The problem is further compounded by the general bad attitude of the male flies, so mating is definitely kept to a minimum. They appear to concentrate on reminding the other bottles how many hockey games they've won and how much better they are than the St. Lawrence bottle.

ST. LAWRENCE: Combine Vermont's drugs, Colgate's isolation, and a general lamentation for their obscurity and you find this merry group of flies. They take comfort in being superior to the Clarkson and having superior mating performance than their North Country counterparts. The main purpose of this bottle's existence is apparently to serve as a buffer against the Clarkson bottle's surly attitude.

RPI: See Clarkson for mating difficulties, though the problem here is compounded by the fact that all the flies have facial hair despite their gender. [Editor's note: sorry Julie!] These flies tend to hate anything that doesn't involve math and tend to be the nerds of the group. However, they LOATHE the Clarkson bottle, so we love them anyway. Much lamentation about their bottle's ghettoesque locale.

DARTMOUTH: Basically, see Colgate. I suspect that there is a microbrewery in this bottle which supplies itself and the others with liquor, which enhances mating, so nobody's complaining. The flies seem very comfortable with their existence in this bottle.

PRINCETON: Everybody in this bottle immediately formed themselves into eating clubs, whatever that means. This population is very sure of itself and is quite positive that there are no other flies on earth with the same intelligence, good lucks, and monetary clout. This, however, tends to reduce mating if production from that suspected Dartmouth microbrewery slacks off.

Thank you for taking the time to read this little vignette, and I hope you have a nice day.