If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot.....
* Do * pick a more subtle color to wear than
bright yellow pants.

* Don't * invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.

When you go on a burglary spree * Do * ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.

" But I know the people who live here " is * Not * a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.

When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test * Don't * say, " Well, I can't do that sober ! " on camera, and then plead not guilty.

If you are going to steal a car * Do * pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.

* Don't * answer a question with the phrase, " Who me ? " when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.

* Don't * repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.

* Don't * say, " I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car ? " before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop.

* Do * pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.

* Do * ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.

When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, * Don't * bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's boot.

* Do * come up with something better to say than, " These aren't my pants " when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.

If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard * Do * make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.

* Don't * ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, " I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb. "

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a " dark, carbonated beverage. "

2 " Have you seen the new cars coming out next year ? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one. "

3. " If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous. "

4. " Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter ? "

5. " The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm. "

6. " If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. "

7. " When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage. "

8. " Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls. "

9. " Not only that, but their music drives me wild. That " Rock Around The Clock " thing is nothing but racket. "

10. " I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying " damn " in " Gone With The Wind, " it seems every movie has a " hell " or " damn in it. "

11. " Not only that,but it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to ? "

12." Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore. "

13. " Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar. "

14. " I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas. "

15. " Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball ? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President. "

16. " Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country ? "

17. " I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making
electric typewriters now. "

18. " It's too bad that things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet. "

19. " It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work. "

20. " Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat. "

21. " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me like that, they won't be able to sit down for a week. "

22. " Did you know that the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service ? "

23. " Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops. "

24. " I'm just afraid that Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business. "

25. " Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress. "

26. " Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married ? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer. "

27. " I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it. "

28. " That drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

29. " There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel. "

30. " Anymore, no one can afford to be sick. $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood. "

31. " If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."

32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home. "

33. " If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair. "

34. " We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees. "