Part EW: “The Von Crap children don’t sing MY ASS!”
“You guys, I know this is a little late, but here are your costumes.” Maggie said, pushing a cart of dresses and suits and stuff in.
“Can we say ‘disorganized’?” D'art said.
“DISORGANIZED!” Everyone shouted.
“Enough!” Sarah said. “First, we'll start with the easy ones. Max, come here.”
D'art and Max stepped forward.
“Not you Max, the other Max!” Sarah exclaimed.
Max stepped back.
“Not you Max, the other Max!”
D'art stepped back , Max stepped forward.
“Much better. One Nazi suit for you! Go change. Oh, and don't forget the tights!”
“Tights?!” Max squeaked.
Sarah smiled. “Just kidding!”
Max wiped his forehead and went into the dressing room.
“Next up, Lady Dek!” Sarah squealed.
Ms. Dekraai stepped forward to receive her nun's outfit and large golden cross, mumbling, “Not again...”, and then left for the dressing room.
“Now, would the other Max please step forward?”
D'art hesitated, but stepped up to receive his costume, and quickly left before things got more confusing.
“Okay, Space Cowboy, come here and get your costumes!” Sarah handed the Nazi suit and the regular clothes over to him and he joined the rest in the dressing room.
“Okay...will the Von Trapp children please form a line to pick up your costumes?”
After some pushing, shoving, and swearing a line was formed, they marched up to Sarah, took their costumes, and marched into the dressing room flawlessly.
“Next...Tèa.”
Tèa stepped up and gawked at her two dressed. “You honestly expect me to wear those dresses?” She hesitantly touched one. “They're so...sluuuutty!”
“Look, just stuff the bra and you'll be fine.” Sarah said and shooed her away. “Okay, Seifer, here's your sailor outfit, you know the drill.” Seifer took his suits and left.
Dani looked at the seven dresses still hanging on the rack. “Um, Sarah, I think you forgot to give out some of those,” she said.
Sarah looked them over. “Nope! These are all yours.”
“But which one should I put on first? And when do I change? And where?”
Sarah put her hand on her hip. “When the script says ‘change’, you change, and just so long as it's not on stage, we don't care where, and most of it's Velcro anyways, so put the nun outfit on first, and get to it!”
Dani dragged the nun dress to the dressing room and Sarah sat down and turned to Maggie. “Your turn, fairychild.”
After the makeup, it was about two minutes before the performance was supposed to start. It was then that everyone looked around and realized that no one had any idea what was going on. Seifer still couldn't find his whistle, Ratboy apparently had a snack while in the dressing room and rat guts were down the front of his suit, and Ari has locked herself in the bathroom and was meowing like a kitten because of her newest medication. Raven was in her cute little sailor suit and knee-high doc martins because she refused to take them off, and Dani was limping around in her nun shoes because she had forgotten to break them in. Tèa couldn't get her boobs straight, the Space Cowboy kept getting smacked by Rosie whenever he came close by her, and Max had his Nazi armband on the wrong arm. D'art had a memory lapse and had Sarah tie his tie...which she promptly turned into a noose, Ms. Dekraai was huddling in the corner crying from remembering her expulsion from the nunnery, and Tobias just could not get his hair and collar right. Samantha managed to loose one of her little white socks in the shuffle and, well, Missy just looked cute. Sarah and Maggs looked stunning in their black attire, consisting of black 3/4 length shirts, floor length black skirts, happy shiny docs (Maggie's were booty, Sarah wore her new sandals), and curly hair popped out from under black berets.
“I can’t do this!” Ms. Dekraai exclaimed suddenly. “There are just too many memories to deal with. You’ll have to get someone else.” She threw her cross to the ground, almost cracking it.
Raven picked it up. “Fine then, I’ll play the Mother Abbess, Ami, get over here!”
Ami ran in from the stage. “Yeah?”
“Come with me. You’ve just been cast as Brigitta.” Raven dragged Ami to the dressing room kicking and screaming where they switched costumes.
And then it was time. Sarah and Maggs gathered everyone in a friendship circle. Sarah proceeded to lead the group in prayer. “Holy Toaster, we thank you for giving us the courage to perform today. By the grace of your little slots, may our show be flawless.” Tobias snickered and D'art smacked him to keep him quiet. “By the grace of your little turney knobs, may the audience. And by the grace of your cute little cord, try to make sure we don't burn the house down. Ah-lien.” Everyone looked up. “Everybody ready?”
“Wait! For all you Catholics, come over here and pray yourself,” Maggie said. About half the group went over and said a little prayer.
Missy raised her hand timidly. “Knock 'em dead!”
Everyone cheered.
“That's the spirit!” Sarah exclaimed.
“Now go out and make us proud!” Maggie said.
Everyone went to their places. The show was about to begin.
Sarah's voice came over the house speakers. “Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and others. During this performance, we request that you turn off all cellular phones, pagers, and children under the age of five. In the likely even of an emergency, exits are to the front and the back of the theatre, to your left and your right. No animals are harmed in the making of this production. Thank you for flying Delta airlines.”
Raven walked onstage. “Maria!” There was a moment of silence. “Maria!” Another moment. “Maria, where are you?!”
The lights went down and a spotlight went on Dani, who was at the top of the auditorium. She began to sing while walking down the stairs.
“…that rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime
that flies from a church on a breeze
To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls...”
Just then, Dani tripped on the stairs and had to grab onto the railing to steady herself, but she quickly recovered and finished the song on stage. The lights went out and there was rousing applause.
Dani came in and sat down by Raven's desk. “I'm so sorry, Mother, but I just love singing so much that – ”
“Don't quit your day job.” Raven interrupted.
“I have no intention of doing so, but as I was saying, I just love it so much that when I get out there on the hilltop and just belt it out – ”
Raven stood up and walked to the front of the stage. “Look, you all know what happens, right?”
“Right!” The audience responded cheerfully.
Raven snapped her fingers. “You, go, now!”
Dani looked dejected and walked offstage.
The lights went down. The audience cheered.
Dani walked onstage carrying a guitar case and a little Toaster carrier. The church bells went off and she put down her luggage, kneeled, and actually crossed herself. Then Seifer walked onstage.
“So you're the new governess,” he stated.
Dani smiled sweetly. “Yes, the abbey sent me. I'll be here until September.”
“Yes, well...wait. Come here.” Dani took a step toward him. He twirled his finger and she turned around. “You're going to have to put on another dress before you meet the children. I don't want them thinking that you're some kind of two-bit hooker.” The audience laughed at this.
Dani looked down at her dress. “Well, this may not have been in Princess Diana's wardrobe, but it certainly doesn't make me look like a two-bit hooker, and besides, it's all I have, so it's just going to have to do for now.”
Seifer rolled his eyes and blew into his whizzer ring. After a moment, the stage came alive with the sound of the children rushing to get on stage. They scrambled to get into a straight line and adopt military posture. Surprisingly enough, they accomplished this in under a minute. Seifer walked down the line, inspecting them. He took a nasty flea-ridden rat from Ratboy, made a face, and tossed it at Dani, who promptly caught it and made it disappear. When he got to Tobias, he found the boy busily sketching away and snatched the pad of paper from him. Tobias started to protest, but Seifer hit him on the head with the pad and he shut up quickly. Seifer reached the end of the line and turned to face Dani.
Seifer blew his whizzer ring once. Rosie stepped out. “I'm Lisel, I'm sixteen, and I don't need a governess, especially not when she’s you,” she stated, giving Dani a look of disgust.
“I'm glad you told me, Lisel, we'll just be friends then,” Dani said in a friendly voice.
Seifer blew his whizzer ring twice. Rosie stepped back and Tobias stepped forward. “I'm Fredrick, I'm fourteen, and my last couple of governesses said I was implausible.”
Dani laughed. “Now, why would they say something like that?” She asked curiously.
All the children just gave her an evil grin.
Seifer blew the whizzer ring EW times. Ami stepped out. “I'm Brigitta, she's Louisa, and I think that's the ugliest dress I've ever seen.”
Ratboy stepped out. “You shouldn't say things like that Brigitta!”
Ami glared at him. “I don't bloody care, because it is the ugliest dress I've ever seen, and that's the ugliest stain I've ever seen! I don't think it'll even come out,” she said, pointing at the red stains on his costume. She then turned to Dani. “That won't come out, will it?”
Dani looked at the shirt carefully. “No, I don't think it'll come out, and I think we're going to get along just fine.”
Ami glared at her. “That's what you think.”
Seifer just blew on the whizzer ring, not bothering to count how many times. Missy stepped out and tugged on Dani's dress. “I'm Mis...Marta. I'm Marta. Or at least that's what the lady backstage is telling me.”
“Well, I think the lady backstage is very wise. So, if you're Marta, then you must be – ” Dani started.
“No! Wait! I'm Marta, and I'm almost five, and my birthday is Tuesday, and I want a cerulean blue parasol.” Missy smiled.
The audience clapped and "awwww"ed.
“Cerulean blue is my favourite color too!” Missy smiled and stepped back in line. “So you must be Gretl.” Dani said to Samantha.
“Nooooo! I'm Sammy,” she said sweetly. “You should know that!”
“Oh, uh, my mistake, Sammy,” Dani said.
Seifer then walked over to her and handed her a whizzer ring. “Here, you're going to need this for as long as you’re here. Everyone knows to respond to it. Now, I’ll get you some material for new clothes and you stay with the children.” He started to leave the stage when Dani blew the whizzer ring loud and clear. He slowly turned around to face her.
“What is it?” He said, clearly annoyed.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to call you,” Dani said apologetically.
“Captain. Call me Captain.”
“Well, Captain, I’m sorry, Captain, but I don’t think I’ll be needing this, Captain, since I honestly don’t see how you expect a normal human being to respond to a whizzer ring, Captain,” Dani said, handing the ring back to him.
Seifer looked at ring, looked at the audience, looked at Dani, looked at the ring again, and then promptly turned around, kissed his hand, smacked his butt, and walked off.
The audience roared.
Everything went smoothly until a few scenes later, when Rosie was supposed to have a duet with the Space Cowboy. Even that started out alright, but quickly ended in disaster.
The song went on just fine, until the Space Cowboy was close to the end of his part…
“You need someone older and wiser telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen
I'll take care of you”
“No you won’t!” Rosie screamed, smacking him hard.
Sarah, fearing disaster, abruptly ended the scene by shutting the lights off. Barely audible over the audience’s applause was the noise of a chainsaw. Once the audience died down, Sarah flipped the lights back on, and Rosie was caught like a deer in headlights. She quickly came to her senses, hid the red-stained chainsaw behind her back, smiled sweetly, and kicked the Space Cowboy’s body offstage. She smiled once again, and dashed off herself. Sarah quickly shut the lights off and the audience roared with laughter.
Dani fixed the bed, and then kneeled down to pray. “Dear God, please let the rest of this show go smoothly. Oh, yes, God bless, Lisel, Fredrick, Louisa, Brigitta, Marta, and Gr-Sammy.” She paused to count. “Wait, I thought there were seven, oh, yes, the little dirty boy. Well, God bless the little dirty boy! Oh, and you can tell Lisel that I locked the window before coming out here, so she’ll have to come in through the servant’s entrance.”
Just then, a bloody hand knocked at the window. Dani looked at it and shrieked, not expecting the blood to be there. Suddenly, the window burst open to reveal Rosie.
“HEEEEEEEERE’S JOHNNY!” She screamed.
“If I had any sense, I’d push you right back out that window, young lady!” Dani exclaimed.
“Well, maybe you could if you had about six more inches and ** more pounds!” She snarled.
Dani sat down on the bed and “huffed” loudly. As Rosie went to change, Dani shouted, “I hope you know those stains won’t come out!” at her.
Rosie stuck her head back on stage. “Well, that’s not my problem, I’m not the nanny, I don’t do laundry.”
Dani rolled her eyes as the thunder crashed. In ran Missy, Sam, Ami, and Ari.
“Did the storm scare you?” Dani asked, speaking mostly to the little twins. They nodded, but Ami got in a defensive stance and said in a nasty tone, “No, the script just told us to come out, so we did, hel-lo!”
“Well, the script also told you to come in and sit on the bed, so get up there and be quiet,” Dani snapped.
Lightning crashed again and Ratboy and Tobias scurried out.
“Oh, I guess that you weren’t scared either?” Dani asked.
“Well, actually, he was about to cast a circle of protection…” Ratboy started, but Tobias elbowed him and stuck to the script. “Nah, we just coming to see if you were scared,” he said.
“Well, hop up on the bed and you can join us while we sing our next song.” Dani said as Rosie came back out, dressed in a pretty nightgown.
They sang “Raindrops on Roses”, and were just about to finished when all of the sudden Seifer walked on stage, laughed, and walked off. The lights went out. The audience laughed.
The children were playing on stage in their curtain clothes, with Dani half-watching them, half-playing with the guitar prop, trying to teach herself how to play in five minutes. Just then, Seifer walked on stage with Tèa on his arm and D’art following.
“Children I’d like you to meet – what the heck are you wearing?” Seifer exclaimed.
Samantha ran up and tugged on his pant leg. “We’re wearing curtains, Daddy!” She proclaimed proudly.
“They’re playclothes, not curtains…anymore…” Dani said, looking up at Seifer.
“The Von Trapp children don’t play!” Seifer roared, scaring the children offstage.
Dani stood up and put the guitar down gently. “The Von Crap children don’t play MY ASS!” Dani roared back at him, scaring Tèa and D’art offstage.
“Ever since I’ve started this play, you’ve been driving me crazy you psycho bitch!” He exclaimed.
Dani slapped him. Seifer was about to continue to rant, when Dani extended her elbow. “Talk to the elbow, you’re not worth the extension,” she said.
“Ooooo, I’m quaking in my boots,” Seifer said sardonically.
“That’s it! I quit! I can’t take this anymore! Now I see why the other governessess quit on you!” Dani screamed, and started to storm offstage, but Tèa ran back on and gagged her.
“If you do anything to screw this up for me, I swear I will…” Tèa suddenly remembered that she wasn’t supposed to be at that point in her character yet, dropped Dani, and ran over to Seifer, cooing, “Honey, are you okay? Did the mean nanny hurt you?” Dani turned practically purple at this and ran offstage, and Sarah wisely cut the lights.
The next major scene was the duet between Tèa and D’art, but besides Tèa’s southern accent, and a few minor light problems, that actually went pretty smoothly.
“Hey! My Mara Jade could kick Luke Skywalker’s ass any day!” Max exclaimed, holding up his trading card.
“Well, hey, anyone could kick Luke Skywalker’s ass, even you, but there’s no way your Mara Jade could beat my Jess Swift! I mean, she’s like the female Han Solo!” D’art retorted.
“Well, my bottled Favourite Local Omnipotent Computer Virus could beat all of your cards put together,” Max said.
“Eh...you’ve got a point there…” D’art said, giving in.
“Score one for the Dark Side!” Max crowed.
“Yeah, yeah, I need to go talk to the Captain, I’ll trade cards with you later,” D’art said, walking towards Seifer. Max shrugged and went out onto the terrace to join the children and Dani.
“Captain Von Trapp! I need to talk to you about your children,” D’art started.
“What did the little monsters…err…dears do now?” Tèa asked smoothly.
“They have the finest voices in all of Austria! I’d like to take them on tour…”
“To Nashville?!” She asked excitedly.
“Um, no, they’re not country singers, heck, even country singers sound better than them, but we don’t exactly have a lot of good musicians around here anymore…” D’art said.
“The Von Trapp children don’t sing!” Seifer roared again.
Dani stuck her head out from the terrace. “The Von Crap children don’t sing MY ASS!” She bellowed, then ducked behind the scenery piece again.
“One moment please…” Seifer said to D’art and Tèa before start toward the terrace.
“But wait - !” Tèa started.
Seifer glared at her. “I said one moment please,” he growled. Tèa jumped back, startled.
“Well I never!” She exclaimed to D’art while some yelling was being heard from the terrace. Suddenly, there was a large crash. The audience winced in sympathy. Seifer walked back on with a limp.
“Come on, I think I hear the phone ringing,” Seifer said, and Tèa and D’art followed him offstage and Ratboy dragged Dani onstage laughing.
“But Kurt, I haven’t danced since I was a little girl!” Dani protested lightly.
“Aren’t you still a little girl?” Ratboy asked.
“Shhh, no one’s supposed to know that,” she kidded. “Now, lets see, I think it’s two steps this way, one step that way, and then we turn…” They tried to dance a little, but Ratboy kept messing up. Seifer walked on stage and looked down at them from the top of the stairs for a little while, letting his expression soften some and slipping more into character.
“No, let me show you how it’s really done, Kurt,” he said, coming down the stairs and gently taking Kurt’s place. The waltz music started and Dani and Seifer staying in step, glaring at each other more than gazing. Realizing they were supposed to look like they were falling in love, Dani took one of her hands and pressed it against his cheek…naturally, she pressed hard on the cheek that was still smarting from when she had slapped him earlier. She saw Seifer wince in pain and smiled just a little bit. Suddenly, Seifer bent down and kissed her hard, then broke away and walked offstage, leaving Dani sputtering. She ran offstage in the opposite direction. While the children did their “So long, farewell” song, she slipped out the back door and the curtain closed for intermission.
To Part Four!
Back to the index of our lives
Back to the cheese factory
