Finding himself in the cinema, he said, "Let there be LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!" And he regaled the masa with his grade-B action movies, and they loved him, and he, them, so Erap was born.

And it was so, in the evenings and mornings of his second decade. And Erap said, "Let there be stars (and starlets) to fill my nights, celestial bodies to fill my bed, with beauty queens and actresses of all shapes and sizes."

And it was so. Erap blessed his stars and said" Increase and multiply! Fill the Philippines with my name! In my name shall ye fill the earth and subdue it. And the starlets begot him children, JV, JR, and other illegitimate children too numerous to mention, and he saw all that he did and said that it was good, very good.

And it was so, in the evenings and mornings of his third decade. Then he saw the Ilokano 'god' and the Waray 'goddess' on the face of the earth, and he knelt and kissed their feet and hands (and asses) and said, "Let me be mayor of San Juan and I will pledge undying loyalty to thee and thine own. Whether thou goes, I go, whatever thou doest, I do."

And so when Martial Law was declared, Erap set an example. He imprisoned those who opposed him, threatened the townsfolk of San Juan with violence if they did not comply. He did all the things that were right in his eyes, and no one opposed as god (Da Apo) was on his side. He ruled like a lord in his fief, and saw that it was good, very good.

And it was so, on the mornings and evenings of his fourth decade. And during the past few decades, Erap said, "Let there be wine, smoke and jueteng. Let sabong and jai-alai entertain the masses. Let me be a shining example of all these vices. Let me eat, drink, smoke, gamble and be merry for tomorrow I will do it again."

And it was so. But 13 years ago, Erap was ousted by the Yellow Brigade, because his god went to Hawaii. He was unrepentant in his loyalty to Da Apo.

And Da Apo died in Hawaii, kept as a popsicle in a giant freezer, where his widow, Imeldific, insists on a hero's burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani to this day. Erap was distraught, his god died, and he was fired by the canaries. And he raised his first and shook it against the Yellow President and her cronies and said, "BULLET DAY I WILL GIANT YOU (Balang araw, ako maghihiganti!) I WILL BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY! (no translation needed)" And the earth trembled at his oath.

And for a time there was some progress in the Philippines after Cory, but when the elections came, Erap said to the huddled, bleeding and ignorant masses, "IBOTO NINYO AKO AT TUTULUNGAN KO KAYO! AKO AY PARA SA MAHIRAP!"

And the masses, like sheep to the slaughter, did so, and Erap said, "Let there be a LANDSCAPE (landslide, in proper English) VICTORY, to show the world that I am the president the masses love!"

And it was so, and there was weeping and gnashing of teeth among the educated and the enlightened, for they knew that darkness and chaos had come not only in Ateneo, but the whole archipelago. But the masses cheered their hero, who was really a Macoy loyalist all the way. And Erap wanted this Ilokano 'god' buried with honors at the Libingan ng Bayani, but the people would not let him, and he relented.

Then all the cronies, all the kamag-anaks, kabits and 'toma'-gochis were appointed. People with questionable backgrounds went to the offices of ministers, assistant ministers, secretaries of state. The 'bebble gam' king became minister of defense. The son of 'god' became the governor of Ilocos Norte, while the daughter of 'god' became congresswoman. Loyalty before principles was the order of the day.

And Erap pursueth his enemies without mercy. The first to feel his wrath were Dick Gordon of Subic, followed by Manoling Morato (alias Ling-Ling) of the Board of Censors. Next in line were Lito Lapid and Rey Malonzo, mayors both, not for winning in public office but for running in the opposition party. Joey Marquez was next.

Those whom Erap perceiveth his enemies were persecuted and harassed with unpaid tax charges and fiscal anomalies. He bullied that small newspaper, the Manila Times and its publishers, the Gokongwei clan with lawsuits and spurious charges of tax evasion. And then Gokongweis apologized and withdrew the article, and Erap smiled that crooked smile, and walked that crooked walk, and said, "I won again!"

And Erap sought but failed to have some laws passed. The SAL (statement of assets and liabilities to track down possible candidates for kidnap or blackmail?), the warrantless arrest (shades of martial law) encouraged by his right hand man, Ping Lacson, the abolition of English as a second language (I don't know about you, but the way RP is experiencing a brain drain these days, it might just work), legalizing gambling as a form of revenue (jueteng, jai-alai, sabong, masiao, betting on horse races).

And these were the scandals galore that doggeth Erap in the office of Malacañang: the textbook scandal at DECS, the pyramid scam by Reli German's ex-wife, Bay; the 'JR' scandal (a beauty queen who claimeth parentage with Erap); the Romy Jalosjos fiasco (see the Jacuzzi, the air-con, the hamburger stand, the tennis courts at Muntinlupa prisons? That is punishment!); the counter investigation of FVR about the Expo Filipino funds; the Imelda Marcos' pardon'; the 'Loot'-cio Tan tax suit; the vcr tape of Erap gambling in a casino with a drug lord; releasing the cannibal MANERO and Dolphy's son for arson and homicide for burning down Mina Aragon's house with her mother and children in it) just because the father is Erap's buddy.

And the righteous crieth out, "Where is justice?" In a little while, after 6 years, you may see it. Then again, you may not. And the misdeeds of Erap, his eruptions and his shenanigans, are they not recorded, and are still being recorded in the book of ACTS? (for actors, silly).