Ricky Martin's Bio

Okay, you know how he's gonna end up, but what about what he's already done? That's why I made this little bio here. This is a brief history of the one-hit wonder.

Okay, what better way to start off talking about a one-hit wonder than talking about his one hit? Okay, I think that he should just give up and make every track on his next album "Livin' la vida Loca", because that's all he can do. Better yet, why even release another album? Maybe if he quits now, he'll still be able to pursue a career as an Abercrombie & Fitch model. *L* Here's what Ricky himself thinks of the single: "That's the single because I want to say, 'Hey! Boom! I'm here! Check this out!' The song has a little bit of Latin, a little bit of ska, a little bit of rock, there's even a little bit of the '60s, sort of a James Bond sound." Guess what Ricky? That song is more like an episode of Dawson's Creek. NOT EVEN I CAN SIT THROUGH IT! I've only heard the whole song once, and it was at a dance. It was terrible. I was just standing there like, "Are you people deaf?" A few of my friends were singing along. Scary stuff.

Interesting facts

• Born: San Juan, Puerto Rico
• Was first in commercials when he was 6.
• Got into this boy band Meundo when he was 12.
• Quit Meundo when he was like, 17 or 18.
• I think he released some records in Mexico or something like that. Alls I know is that I don't speak Spanish, so unless it's in English or some form of English, I won't listen to it.

Ricky wasn't always into crap. He even said so himself! "I grew up listening to Boston, Cheap Trick, Journey, David Bowie. When I was a kid, my brothers and I were all into rock, rock, rock." Cool. I bet you're wondering what happened. How could a kid go from listening to David Bowie to frolicing around like, well, Ricky Martin? "One day our mother got tired of rock. She said, 'I can't stand it anymore!' and grabbed us by the ears and took us to a Celia Cruz concert. It really affected me." So his mother warped his mind. Now he sucks so much that I made a web page about his suckiness.

The worst song-title ever: Shake Your Bon-Bon
Excuse me, but does that mean what I think it means? Well, there are a lot of things that I think bon-bons could be:

• A synonymn for butt, south end, bootie, etc.-Then he's saying "Shake Your Bootie", which I think has already been done.
• Candy-Yup, bon-bons are a kind of candy. I can almost see Ricky Martin shaking a box of candy like some mental patient. Hey Ricky, send some of those bon-bons to me and Carson! *Maniacal laughter* (If you don't get it, read What Happened the second time I was on TRL.)
• Boobs-Okay, if Ricky Martin is telling millions of women to shake their boobs, he is one sick, perverted man.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is RICKY BLOWS!

Now go back.