Being
in a band is like being married, but worse, and on
tour there's no escape. It's a 24 hours a day
honeymoon to hell. How can you keep harmony? To avoid
D-I-V-O-R-C-E, don't:
Dawdle.
Every band has a Mr Dawdle and by the end of an
extensive tour, they'll be seething at his constant
time wasting. "Why should I get out of my comfy
bed early if I've got to sit on the bus for an hour
waiting for Mr Dawdle?" Departure time rapidly
gets later and later until that inevitable time when
you end up stuck in traffic and miss the gig. Only
draconian measures will improve timekeeping. In the
Wonder Stuff, if you were late for the bus you had to
spend the next day wearing a pair of Morris dancing
bells around your ankles. Suffice to say it was a
very punctual band!
Idle.
It's often Mr Dawdle who turns into Mr Idle on
arrival at the gig. Despite the fact that you only
stopped at the services five minutes ago for him to
take a leak, the sight of an Ampeg Bass Cab renders
him useless until he has laid some cables of his own
in a long visit to the toilet. He'll then nip out for
a chocolate bar/fag/can of pop, returning just as the
heavy item has been heaved all the way up the five
flights of stairs. Leaving the offending members gear
in the van can cure Mr Idle especially if he's the
drummer. The singer may be a more difficult case to
crack, but with the muscles you've got from carrying
all that gear, you can deck him once the tour is
over.
Vandalise.
Noel Gallagher can afford to drive a Rolls-Royce into
a swimming pool. Doing the same thing with your
ailing Transit van will soon be followed by that
sinking feeling. Similary, as Mr Vandal plunges his
guitar neck through the heart of his speaker he
thinks he looks super-cool. Not when you know he'll
be trying to cadge £50 the next day for a new cone.
One famous band has a cheap keyboard set up on stage
specifically for the purpose of being smashed every
night. However, sometimes their Mr Vandal gets the
wrong one! Deter him by sticking price labels on all
the equipment.
Over
indulge. The problem starts when the
band's Mr Over-indulgence turns up five minutes
before the show completely welded. To make matters
worse it's usually the drummer, the backbone of your
band, who renders himself an inebriated invertebrate.
Unable to stand, he thumps away relentlessly, right
up until the moment he falls off his stool. Your bass
player, meanwhile, went for a curry. His yawning
eventually turns to a technicolour madras of puke
when he can't keep it down any more. Focus your mind
on the thing that you're there to enjoy---the gig!
There's always time for the rest later.
Romance.
The band's Mr Romance pulls the love of his life who
becomes a bus barnacle impossible to shake off. With
five minutes 'til the doors open, your amp blows up,
and the love limpet fails to see the emergency. After
all, being in a band's only a bit of fun. Isn't it?
Not to you and your merry men it's not. Romantic
stowaways can create extra friction in what may
already be troubled waters. Without proper
communication, unresolved problems mount up and turn
into a mutiny. Remember: the band are your surrogate
brides and without your attention they'll go and find
someone else.
Carp-on.
It starts before you've even left. Mr Carp-On moaning
that "the bus smells funny" or asking,
"How much are we paying for this?" He
doesn't know, of course, because he hasn't spent a
week on the phone to find one cheap enough that you
could afford to play the gig. Get Mr Carp-On to
organise everything---see how he likes it.
Exhaust
yourself. Sometimes entire groups are
made up of members who insist on getting absolutely
trousered after every gig. Sooner or later this will
be reflected in your performance. A singer's throat
is trashed by shouting at parties, not doing the gig,
and Mr Exhausted musician will hit more bum notes
than Les Dawson. When you feel burn-out approaching,
retire to the B&B early for a change. It's good
to take a break from your band mates who have little
to say to you after three weeks anyway. There is an
incentive. You'll save pounds which you'll be able to
spend getting completely hammered the next night!
The
trick to a successful band marriage is simply to
talk. Make time for the group to be alone before and
after each gig so that if a band member is falling
into one of the above categories you can sort it out.
Like any bride, fellow band members need plenty of T-L-C
(Time, Loyalty and Communication). You'll be
pleased to hear that shagging is optional.
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