Joke 1: The Irish declare war

Joke 2: The Cow

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided aquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it - yhen they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the  bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The Rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Joke 3: A man escapes from a prison

Where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.  He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair.  While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her,  kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.  While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped  prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent  lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.  This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.  Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.  He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.  Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Joke 4: What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "what is Politics?" Dad says, "well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the head of the family, so call me the president.  Your mother is the administrator of the money, So call her the government.  We're here to take care of your needs, So we'll call you the people.  The nanny, we'll consider the working class, And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.  Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.  Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his Diaper.  So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.  The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."  

The little boy replies, "The president is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep.  The people are being ignored and the future is in deep s*it.".

Joke 5: The Divine Golf Game

Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green.
Moses tees up and smacks one right into the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it onto the green.

Jesus tees off next and hits it into the lake. He walks across the water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake, and he hits it onto the green.

Next up is the old geezer. Smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as it's going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and snags the fish.  A bolt of lightning hits the pelican who drops the fish onto the green and the ball falls into the hole.   Jesus looks over at the old man and says "For F*ck's Sake Dad, can't you play golf like everyone else?"

Joke 6: The Marathon Runner

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.  One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! Its raining like hell out there!"  She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both! So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.  One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"  He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running".  The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"  The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"  The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" He replied "Only if it's raining."

Joke 7: The insulting Bus Driver

A woman gets on a public bus with her small child. The bus driver takes one look at the child and says, "My god that is the ugliest baby that I have ever seen."  The lady get so pissed off she throws her bus fare at the driver and storms to the back of the bus.

She takes a seat next to another lady. The lady asks, "What's the matter?" The mother says, "The bus driver just insulted me! It was so rude, you would think that public service workers would have more respect for their customers".

The lady then says, "That's horrible, you should go up there are yell at him."

The mother says, "That's a good idea, I think I will."

The lady then says, "Go up there right now, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

Joke 8: Uncle Ted

A blonde guy came home early from work and heard strange noises coming from his bedroom.  He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.  "What's up?' he asked.  "I'm having a heart attack !" the woman cried. He rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he was dialling, his four year old son came up and said, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he doesn't have any clothes on.".

The man slammed down the phone, stormed back upstairs, back into his bedroom, past his crying wife and ripped open the closet door.  Sure enough,there was his brother, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.  "You stupid idiot!" he shouted, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!."

Joke 9: The Irishman

The Irish man could not believe his eyes, and said this is unbelievable.  The American said " I will do it once again for you ."
He jumped from the window dropped ten floors, round the block and then back into the bar.

When the bartender realized what had happened, he looked across at the American & said " Superman - your an evil bastard!!!"

Joke 10: Eleven people on a rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.  They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very   touching speech.  She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......

Joke 11: THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY (Some true stories!)

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998.

STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door.  The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.  After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home.  Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of  his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance.  The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.  The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how  the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

STILL HAVING A BAD DAY?

Just remember, it could be worse.....

1.  The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid  cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer  whale ate them both.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3.  A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.  Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally

5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.   Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There you go, your day is not so bad after all is it?

Joke 12: A couple are making love

A week later, the girl notices the welts from the whipping session are starting to fester, so she visits her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"  The girl is embarrassed but admits what happened. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so. In all my years as a doctor, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I've ever seen!".

This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bar-tender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what  you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs.  And the hamster is really good.  The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.  He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.  The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.  The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

Arriving home yesterday evening, as I usually do, I felt the sudden urge to pee. What luck, I thought. And here I am just yards away from the back door.  Suddenly it occurs to me: My bladder knows I'm home! I double my pace to the door and fumble through my coat pocket for my keys.  There are no keys in my coat pocket.  
Me: Bladder, please ignore the information sent by Brain. Hands are unable to locate my keys and it will be a few more minutes before you will be able to void yourself.
Bladder: I'm sorry, but vision central is still reporting that we are standing right outside the back door. Intelligence reports from yesterday that it took less than 30 seconds to get from back door to bathroom.
Me: But I can't find the keys.
Bladder: Not my problem. Starting countdown to elimination: 10... 9...8...
Me: How about if I tie the evacuation route into a knot, forcing a catastrophic backup? That makes it your problem.
Penis: WHA...?????!!!!!!
Bladder: I've checked with Brain about this, and we think you're bluffing.
Hand reaches into pants...
Bladder: Okay okay! I'll give you another 60 seconds. But that's it.
Encrypted transmission to Penis: Sorry to scare you like that, but it was necessary. I'll make it up to you later tonight.
Penis: Whew.
Me: Hands, how's it going with the search for keys?
Hands: Well they're not in your pocket, where else did you want us to check?
Me: Everywhere! We've only got 60 seconds before Bladder starts his countdown again. Hurry!
Hands: Roger will-co.
Bladder: How's it going up there? 45 seconds left!
Me: Stop distracting me. And turn off that music. I can't concentrate.
Legs: Let's go slightly crossed and start dancing. That always helps.
Me: No it doesn't help. It just makes me look foolish.
Brain: Hands are reporting they've found the keys in your back pack. We should be all set now.
Bladder: I heard that. Resuming countdown. 10... 9... 8...
Vision Central: The back door key isn't on this ring.  Hands picked up the wrong keys this morning.
Hands: Vision Central didn't have a problem with that this morning.
Vision Central: It was dark.
Hands: Was not.
Vision Central: Was too.
Brain: ENOUGH! What keys are on this ring?
Vision Central: Front door and mailbox.
Brain: Legs: To the front door, on the double!
Bladder: Or the mailbox.
Me: Don't even think about it. The mailman hates me enough as it is.
Legs: Approaching front door, ETA 12 seconds.
Hands: Wait! We've dropped the backpack!
Brain: LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM!
Hands: Front door in range, keys inserted, lock released.
Brain: Hands, start working on the pants. There's a button and a zipper that needs to be disabled before we reach the evacuation point. Can you handle that?
Hands: No sweat, done it a million times.
Legs: We're in! ETA to bathroom: 5 seconds.
Vision Central: Watch out for the cat!
Cat: Meow!
Vision Central: Target in range.
Penis: Do we have a lock on the target yet? Last time I let go without target acquisition, Hands and Knees were busy cleaning for a half hour afterward.
Brain: Okay target has been acquired. FIRE!
Mouth: OOOOOOOOOOOaaaaaaaahhh!
Me: Whew, that was a close call. How long is this going to take?
Bladder: At least 12 more seconds. I'm pretty full.
Me: OK. Anyway Hands and Knees probably should get busy later, this place is a dump.
Colon Control: Did somebody say "dump"? Starting countdown: 10... 9...8...
Me: NO!

Joke 15: A Man walks into a pub with an octopus

The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I work out how to get its pyjamas off."

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Joke 17:   Looking For A Compliment

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. the wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.  My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."  She turns to her husband and says..... "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."  He thinks about it for a bit and then says "well...... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.  But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.  The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.  So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.  The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
But again that really sped them up.  So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.  Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.  The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.  Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers.  Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did.  And not one chicken has been killed since then.  I've got to go.  I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign...  it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.  It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY.  GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS.

Joke 19: A blonde goes ice fishing

Joke 20. TRUE COURT RECORDINGS

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
----------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
----------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
----------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
----------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
----------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
----------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
----------------------------------
Q. Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
----------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the 26 old, how old is he?
----------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
----------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
----------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
----------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
----------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
----------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
----------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
----------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
----------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
----------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
----------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.