My thoughts on love

Why am I still single at 30? Or better yet, why I've never had a girlfriend? Why have I been rejected so many times, over and over again?

These questions and many others keep haunting me each time I see a couple on the street, in the park or in my own house, when I see my brother and sister and their respective couples; and of course the same questions come to my mind when I'm lonely in my room, eating dinner alone or watching a movie in the dark, or when I take a walk in the park. Each time I think about this, an aching feeling clings to my heart and suddenly the pain, the fear (and the anger) make tears come to my weary eyes, once again.

I began to ask myself the above questions 15 years ago, when I first begat to feel the need to have someone by my side as a teenager, and until now I've felt the cold bite of loneliness and rejection from every girl I've met.Time after time I've put my heart in the hands of a woman just to hear the same answer, the one that hurts me more than anything else in the world: "No".

During all this time I've written the saddest poems ever. I try to put all the pain into paper, trying to cope with my feelings, somehow trying to discover the reason behind my failure. "What's wrong with me?" I ask myself. Why can't I have at least a little love from that person whom I thought could be the one I could share all my dreams, all my illusions, all that care, all that love I've been storing for so much time, waiting for somebody to accept it?

I've filled dozens of pages in my journals trying to explain to myself my present situation, and no matter what I write, I always end up with no answers. The only feeling that seems to be real is the pain and a little voice that whispers in my hear: "You'll always be alone ... you'll never find her, no matter what you do or where you go, there's nobody for you on this world." And then I cry. And the next day seems to be so empty, so gray, so sad; melancholy is so a heavy burden on my back that even now I wonder who or what gave me the strength to go on, feeling so tired and so defeated as I felt back then.

Strange enough, with each rejection my heart grew stronger, because before that, I used to cry until sorrow almost seemed to overwhelm me to the point of death. At first it took me a year to recover, and each time it took me less and less, until I was able to accept a "No" for an answer without feeling frustrated.

During the last year, in which God touched my heart and made me willing to hear His Word and the miracle of His Son reached me, my point of view changed thanks to His Love. I'm still single, and in this time I've reached the conclusion that the right question to ask is not "Why", but "What for...". I shouldn't ask: "Why God doesn't give me a wife with whom I can share my love, my dreams, my passion, and who can give me her caresses and her love?" The fact is that this new knowledge allows me to see that it was through women's "un-love", that God showed me the Love of His Son. That's the way He chose to draw me to Him, so that in turn I could give free love not just to one single woman, but to all the people around me, and this new love is not selfish ("Why nobody loves me?") but all-encompassing and devoid of self-interest. It has become real love, and not just that limited feeling of "falling in love" with just one person, and that for my own sake, to feel loved without giving anything in return. Now I can give love without reserve.

To illustrate my point I'll use this metaphor: In the past I had a single glass of water (love) while in the middle of the desert. I was reluctant to share that limited amount of water with somebody else, and that beacuse I was so worried about running out of it (my selfish love). If somebody asked me to share that little glass or if I found somebody who was "worthy" of it, I'd be willing to give her just a drop enough to moisten her lips, while I retained the rest for myself out of fear (fear to give all of my love to a woman who could as well take the rest of it and leave me empty). Once God touched my heart and I received undeservedly the Love that is in Christ Jesus, it was as if I had found an ocean right there in front of me, so now I had a vast quantity of water to spare. Then, how can I withold such a free gift from the rest of the world? Now I can offer not just a glass of water, but a whole lot more to each person who asks for it, and after that, even to those who don't even ask, because it's free! That's real love as Paul defines it in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8.

Now I'm more confident in the words spoken in Proverbs 19:14, and if it's not in His plans to grant me the wish of my heart, I must be glad, joyful, and give thanks because the Love He has bestowed upon me is infinite and everlasting.

2003.06.16