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CLASSIFIEDS
1.
Turnip Sale! 50% Off!
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New Brunswick Healthy Eats;
Sussex, NB
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If its Turnips you want, we got 'em! Nice fat round wholesome Turnips. The best New Brunswick can buy! Put your culinary skills to the test and boil this beauty up to-day! Call 555-6784 and order your Turnips right-away!
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2.
1LB Of Dough.
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The Dough Brothers;
Dieppe, NB
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Gastide and Cleopice Gagnon are proudly offering you ready made dough! No more preparation. Roll it, shape it then all you do it bake it! Yes we prepare dough for bread, bagels, pies and puddings! $9.99 per LB. Don't delay dough it today! Call: 555-2398
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3.
Piece Of Human Earwax.
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Euclide's Acadian Art;
Dieppe, NB
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Here's a lightweight, compact and very malleable portion of Earwax that I am selling. I have aquired quite a large amount over the years and made some great sculptures! This piece alone would make a great home-made for your bedside table. 100% organic! Finger picked from my very own ears! Call 555-9999
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4.
Guaranteed To Knock The Wind Out Of You!
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Flattering Flatulence;
Albert Mines, NB
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'Fartaids', Canada's answer to awakening irritating rectal hibernation proudly offers you the chance to unplug your bowels with ease. Just pop a couple of our fruity flavoured fart chews and you'll be expelling air without a care! Call 555-FART
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5.
Acme Erection Enlargement Pump.
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Auto Erections; Moncton, NB
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One previously owned penis pump, vaccum sealed, no cracks. Easy fit! Max strength for max length! Comes with a free dual power erecto blaster. Ideal gift for a partner, loved one or simply to amuse yourself with! Yours for just $29.99. Call 555-PUMP
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6.
Taser Fun!
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Terry's Top Notch Tasers; George Blvd, Moncton, NB
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Canada's favourite Cop toy provides hours of electrifying fun. At 20,000 volts a shot its a guaranteed stunner! Shock your friends and family! Completely paralyse them! Hours and hours of fun! A real jolt at just $749.99! Come on give me a call, 555-7845. Warning: Due to possible risk of cardiac arrest please refrain from using this on heavily medicated and intoxicated people.
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7.
Camoflage Army Clogs.
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Artie's Army Surplus; Memramcook, NB
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I am selling a pair of wooden, standard issue, dutch army clogs. These were hand-carved by Holland's foremost clog carver Hansel Hooydinkle during the mid 1960's. Only fifty pairs were made due to the footwear being a little obstructive during Army excersises. A rare treat for clog collectors. Asking $25,000 OBO. Call 555-8989
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8.
Own Your Very own Island Hideaway retreat!
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Larry's Land Sales; Alma, NB
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Located midway between New Brunswick and Nova Scotia in the Bay of Fundy Charlies Island provides more than just a getaway! This nine-tree one acre rock deposit is a real treat at $6000.00 per foot. Spend lazy weekends atop an Isle and revell in the enormous tidal swell a while. Call: 555-ISLE
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9.
Own Your Own Vicker's VC-10 Today!
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Bert's Metal Birds; Shearwater, NS
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This is a real beaut! A class 'A' Bird. A bitch with wings! Fly's like a swan, sings like a sparrow and growls like an owl! An excellent 1960's mid-air refuelling rig in real nice condition! Haul 'er up, take her out and bring 'er down! Moves like any a girl I've seen! Top notch piece of aeronautical engineering! Yours for $450,000.00. If your a terrorist you are not legible to buy my products, otherwise Call 555-FLYS
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10.
Something YOU can afford! Blow out sale now on!
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Dealz On Wheelz; Riverview, NB
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Grab my nipples while they are hard and twist the be-jesus out of them! Here's one car I am literally throwing off the lot! This 1989 Caprice is an absolute bargain! Squeeze me, pinch me, castrate me, any which way you want me! Just leave $500.00 in my sweaty palms and walk off with the prize of the month! Call 555-DEALZ
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11.
Red Mercury Topaz! Rock Solid Deal!
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Dealz On Wheelz; Riverview, NB
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Now I'm really talking! Would I bulls#@t my customers? This is the hottest deal in the history of hot deals! You can take this away from me today for just, wait for it - $7,000.00 Taxes in! Yes Sir! I am literally throwing this at you for free! Buy from me and I'll throw in the rock for free! That's right! Call 555-DEALZ
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12.
Two-For-One! 1987 Station Wagon Complete With Safety Guard Rail!
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Dealz On Wheelz; Riverview, NB
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Am I Mr safety or what? Look at me I'm giving you this beautiful four door lime green '87 station wagon for just $3000 dollars! Not only that it comes complete with the guard rail it smashed into on the way to the show room! Own a piece of highway memorabilia today! Call 555-DEALZ
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13.
Old Victorian Outdoor Home-Made Thunderbox.
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Agatha's Ancient Antiquities; George Blvd, Moncton
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One Victorian outdoor thunderbox for sale. Well used. Heavy termite damage in the flooring. Hairline cracks to the enamel bowl rim. Still great to sit on. Fantastic if you thinking of buying an outhouse and want to save on indoor plumbing. Environmentally friendly too! Call; 555-7121
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14.
Old abandoned Outhouse Giveaway!
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Land's End Lavatories; Meat Cove, NS
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This really is the creme de la creme of outdoor comfort. Situated about 1km from the nearest dwelling you can do your business with next to no bother at all. Situated in an idyllic field of dreams this toilet is a must for toilet users everywhere! Draw backs? Flies can be a little bothersome during the height of summer. Asking $27,000. Call: 555-7844
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15.
Super Scenic Cliff Top Toilet Sale!
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Land's End Lavatories; Meat Cove, NS
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You really are sitting on the edge of the world with this great bargain! Privacy and solitude couldn't be better! Perched infront of a 1000ft drop you can be REST assured you'll get the most out a really relaxing outdoor crap! Asking $50,000. Call: 555-7844
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| Greater Moncton Cavalier is not suitable for minors. © Copyright 2002-2005 Naughty Nigel Productions & Swordfish Designs
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