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ENTERTAINMENT
CELEBRITY NEWS
Revolting Bones To Be Exhumed For Summer Tour.
Los Angeles, CALIF. (AP) - Long deceased 60's rock icons The Revolting Bones are to be re-united for a string of dates this
summer.
For their forthcoming shows the 'Bones', famous for tunes like "Mellow Bellow", "Kick-Start Me Up" and "lets Fly My
Kite Together" will be carefully re-assembled and manipulated by skilled puppeteers
Moncton is hotly tipped as a probable
venue according to a spokeswoman for the Cedar Trees Cemetery.
Pint-Size Pop Star Gets Trampoline Treatment
Avril Lavigne sitting beside her trampoline.
Due to her small stature on stage fans have complained that they often cannot see Avril during her shows. Not any more.
Avril has agreed to bounce her way through favourite's like "Sk8er Boy" and "Complicated" with the aid of her trusty childhood trampoline. So rest assured Moncton when Avril arrives this fall there will be no excuses. Everyone will get to thrill at the sight of Nepean's favourite daughter jumping, bouncing and hurling herself high about the stage.
Hollywood Tabloid Star Pondering IQ Enhancement Therapy
Simpleton Reflects on her intelligence.
Hollywood airhead
Jessika Simpleton is planning to have risky IQ enhancement therapy according to a reliable source.
Jessica, 24, famous for
being famous and appearing on reality shows believes that since her widely publicized separation from her freeloading equally
talent less husband Nic Latchy she needs to be taken more seriously.
"Look at Jessika's sister Ashby, she lip syncs in tune to
her music and manages to form well thought-out sentences" her publicist was quoted as saying.
"If Jessika gets the nod for IQ
therapy enhancement it may just be the yolk that cracks the chickens egg!"
Go for it Girl!
OBITUARIES
Record Breaking Tammy 'Elastic legs' Titmuss Dies During Final Stretch
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Tammy seen here posing during a photo shoot for 'Bizzarro Canadian Babes' magazine.
Canadians were in mourning yesterday after the loss of one of the country's leggiest ladies yesterday.
Markham born Tammy, 32 was attempting to bridge her legs across the Atlantic late yesterday afternoon when disaster
struck.
Only recently she had successfully straddled Niagara falls and many thought this attempt to be a little too far. However
Tammy was confident her legs would go the whole stretch. Sadly it was not to be.
She had managed to push her left leg out as
far as the grand banks when a sudden nor-Easter whipped her off balance and caused her to be catapulted out to sea.
Tammy famed
for her incredibly elasticated elongated legs set out to prove doubters wrong and get herself into the Guiness Record books. Sadly her goal of bridging the gap between Cape Spear, NFLD and
Bantry Bay,
Ireland was not to be.
Tammy and her legs will be sorely missed!
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LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT
What's On With Seamus Shadrack
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Greetings artists, thespians and culture lovers. Seamus here with all the latest happenings in New Brunswick's thriving world of entertainment!
This Friday catch up with Daisy Sludge's Cross Stitch Circle at the West
Midlothian Baptist Church of Wesleyan Adventists. Daisy and her friends will welcome you and show off their magnificent handy work.
Lime cordials and freshly squeezed orange juice will be provided as refreshments. Doors open at 10am.
The musical play 'Le Grande Foirasse', written and directed by famous Acadian playwright Nogaldihemenigilde St.
Saveur-Beaujolie opens this Friday at the Dieppe Chocolate River playhouse. St. Saveur-Beaujolie famous for writing plays about
Pumpkins and turnips has turned his attention to well, basically human waste. This tale essentially is about The Petitcodiac River and
its continuing decline as one of the worlds most polluted estuaries.
Tez Tezzman and his Wild and Wacky Spoon Ensemble will be doing two shows at Moncton's Capidull theatre this
weekend. Tezzman and Co. will be head cracking and thigh slapping their spoons to various well known pieces of contemporary
music. Tickets are $5.00 at the door
Moncton's annual Socialist Leftist Party will be hosting a series of Unionized protests across Moncton next month to coincide
with The Moncton annual Privatization and Free Enterprise Committee's planned protests aimed at abolishing Unions in New
Brunswick... Should be interesting!
COLLECTORS CORNER
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Tennis balls. They're light, bouncy and great fun to slap with a racket.
They are believe-it-or-not highly collectible. Just ask Buffy Turtles of Riverview.
"Tennis balls come in all shapes, sizes and colours. There are also many different manufacturers too! Whether you find one in Montreal or Delaware no two balls are the same."
Tammy also points out that balls retrieved from celebrity grand slams and World ranking tournament's are also high on the collectible list.
"They fetch a small fortune. Especially the ones that have been rubbed on the thighs of famous players!"
Righty-Ho! There you go! Go get some balls!
LITERATURE
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Former Iraqi Dictator Waxes Lyrical About Underwear Habits.
Strongly tipped as this year’s bestseller! Former Iraqi leader and political prisoner
Saddam Hussain has penned an enlightening and colourful insight into his love of underpants.
Hussain goes to great
lengths by giving us detailed accounts of his vast collection. From his hand made cotton Y-fronts, to his specially sewn in gold rimmed silky boxers. Its all in here, including a rather lavish set of cashmere tube socks.
His particulars are rumored to be hidden in a safety deposit box in northern Iraq. "The people who find my briefs will be rewarded someday" Saddam laments.
The book is published by Hemlock Press and is priced at $25.99
Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk
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RUNNING LATE?: No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
FLYING: Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
PARKING TICKETS: Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
FARMERS: Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
SAVE ON GAS: Start pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
Until next time dudes...
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